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18: Going Downhill

Darcy and Eggerton wander the rebooted storyverse in search of an artifact, while Blat encounters a mysterious stranger who aims to change his destiny.

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Content Warning: War and mentions of death, vomiting and other bodily functions, possession, separation, cannibalism? and blows to the head.

PREVIOUSLY

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Previously on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

SEAN

Rising out of the trees, is Temple Idries, except now the stump is covered in flowers and greenery.

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

So what brings you back to us, oh Prophet?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I need to convince everyone else on this continent that they need to follow the Goddess of the Moon.

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

It’s important that you clear your mind…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh huh?

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

And you channel the goddess Loxsyn and then the visions will appear before you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(screams)

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

Focus. Calm your mind.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Focus. Calm my mind.

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

Think good thoughts! It’s as if you’re still connected to Morrigu.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m absolutely still connected to Morrigu.

SEAN (AS MOTHER SPECKLEY)

You’re what?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m never going to be able to rid of Morrigu!

SEAN

And in front of you, the water flashes and fills with a scene. You see Darcy and Eggerton and they are on a battlefield.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that didn’t go too well.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We held the riverbank… we’ve done our job.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT)

(gruff mechanical voice)

Awaiting orders.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, I’m getting to it.

SEAN

You see all of the knights marching through what appears to be a gateway of blackness.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

We’re sounding the retreat. As you probably noticed, the storyverse is beginning to collapse.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And we’re stuck here?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

It’ll be a normal mission. We have taken out most if not all of the Shattering from this world.

It might be a little disorienting, but it’s in collapse. So it will reboot very quickly.

A huge implosion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Not again.

THE STORYVERSE

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy, what if we find the Shattering in this Storyverse? And rather than take it back to Moira, we take it to Celene and trade it for Blat.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait… wait… first of all, I don’t think we find the Shattering; we conquer the Shattering and we find an artifact of the Shattering.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Same thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, you want to wrangle with Celene?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No. I‑I-I want to give her a thing so she’ll give us a thing and then no wrangling.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s wrangling. Trust me. We’re gonna be wrangling.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, maybe you do the wrangling. I’ll do the trading.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Now, listen, I will say… I’m a little freaked out by Moira right now. Doesn’t she seem kind of weird and off balance and surrounded by big knight things that I’ve no idea where they came from?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I did notice the big knight things. Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. You named them.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. Well, everybody needs a name.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Also, she did leave us alone in this rebooted universe. Ah! The tiger face again. Tiger face. Tiger face.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. Oh, uh… ahhhhhh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ah, that’s better.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, good.

SEAN

There’s a flash of light. You guys are floating in a very familiar void of emptiness.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Come on!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

This… this… Uh-hoh.

Alright, let’s start again.

(sings)

Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of mead… I take it down and drink it alone in the void…

(he breaks down)

I can’t do it again. I can’t. No, I can’t do it again!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why are we here?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We were rebooting weren’t we?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Or maybe this is the reboot.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

Oh no.

SEAN

And there’s another flash as existence comes back around you like a bubble popping up. And your ears are ringing and you’re standing on a road. There’s grass off to the sides. Uh… a few sparse trees and the road leads up to a… basically a hill ahead of you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Phew.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Why didn’t we do that last time?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Because I don’t think we had the option last time. We needed Blat to get us out of there. But don’t tell him I said that.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, we do need to get him back. And I think my plan is the best plan so far because it’s, um, the only plan. So let’s goooo find the Shattering!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Or its artifact.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Or its… you know, semantics don’t help at a time like this. I’m the General. I’m setting the direction and tone of our adventure.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, are we gonna walk up this hill?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well… you walk up the hill and let me know what’s up there. And if it’s worthwhile, I will then come. Otherwise, I will stay here on the flat road.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, you’re leading. You’re the General; you’re going ahead of me up the hill.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Fiiiinnne.

Let’s go up the hill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Move.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall.

Episode 18: Going Downhill.

UP THE HILL

SEAN

As you start to head up this hill on the road, it starts to sort of swing back and forth a little and become a path and the hill’s a little taller than you thought as from further away.

And about halfway up you see what looks like a young woman seated on the side of the road in the grass and she’s picking at some flowers. And she appears to have short blonde hair and wearing a simple floral print tunic and pretty normal pants and sandals from this distance.

And that’s what you see. What do you guys want to do?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s go talk to her.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You go ahead, General.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I will lead the way! Follow in my footsteps and record these happenings for the history books.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. Okay, I’ll follow in your footsteps.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, your feet are bigger than mine though. So…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think that’s unlikely.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you’re like, almost twice as tall as me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, I like to pride myself on my small feet.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know my feet are kind of wide. I think they’ve gotten a little wider as I’ve gotten a little older.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just, just talk to the lady.

SEAN (AS JILL)

(to herself)

…loves me not, loves me, loves me not.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hello there fellow adventurer! My name is Eggerton, the, uh, fairy and I am a General in, uh, what… what’s the name of our thing? Well, no one…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hi, this is Eggerton and I’m…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I am Eggerton, the General of the Armies of Good Things and Waiting and Patience.

SEAN

She stands up and steps behind a bucket that was down on the ground beside where she was sitting.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I liiiike your bucket.

SEAN (AS JILL)

Um… you like my… you’re a General… like from an army?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I… yeah, sorta… um…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hi, I’m Darcy. What’s your name?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Oh, I’m sorry. My name’s Jill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! And you have a bucket. Isn’t that interesting, Jill? So where’s Jack?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Jacklyn? You know Jacklyn?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh yes, I’ve heard of them.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(whispering)

Who’s Jacklyn? What’s going on?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

You know, that old story? Jacklyn and Jill? They go up the hill?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(whispering)

Why? What’s at the top of the hill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

Um, I think…

SEAN (AS JILL)

Okay, you guys are freaking me out a little bit. I’m just gonna like step over here. And you guys can just pass…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, sorry. Sorry. We don’t mean to freak you out. Hey, so what are you doing out here? Uh, is everything okay?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Yeah, everything’s fine. Um… you know… just… um… just waiting for my friend. Um… just um… just working.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Are those pleather curds?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Um, yes, yes… I was having some… some… pleather curds.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

And do you have whey to go with it?

SEAN (AS JILL)

No, I just have pleather curds.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s too bad. I heard those two things go great together.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, that’s wrong. That’s not the right one.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That’s what?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, is your friend okay? What happened to your friend?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Why do you think something happened to her friend?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Yeah, what happened to… what happened to Jacklyn?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Did you do something to Jacklyn?!

SEAN (AS JILL)

Oh my god!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, we gotta go find Jacklyn. What did Darcy do?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay… calm down. Shhhh…

SEAN (AS JILL)

I told Jacklyn to meet me here!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh no, oh no. Oh geez.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s okay. Calm down you two. Calm down General. Calm down.

(over Eggerton’s inhales and exhales)

Take it down. You just said you were waiting. Where are they?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Jacklyn has travelled from a long way so I’m just waiting here until Jacklyn gets here but I‑I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this and I don’t really know you two. And, um, you look… well, you look nice…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why thank you.

SEAN (AS JILL)

Yeah, uh, but if you’re… if you’re travelling to Wayward it’s just over… if you keep going over the hill you’ll… you’ll reach… Wayward.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well uh, maybe we should go to Wayward; is that your capital city here?

SEAN (AS JILL)

(laughing)

Capital? No, no, it’s just my village. I’m heading there after I get some water and well, I thought I might see Jacklyn but…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is Jacklyn coming from Wayward or going to Wayward?

SEAN (AS JILL)

No. Jacklyn’s coming from Farther which is the way you came from?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

We came from Farther?

SEAN (AS JILL)

Well, it’s the next village on that road you were… you were walking on.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Feels like your map designers kind of took the easy road on that one. So tell us about Wayward!

SEAN (AS JILL)

You guys aren’t from here are you?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Welllll, I’m from this place that you may or may not have heard of…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, we’re not. We’re… we’re visiting.

SEAN (AS JILL)

Oh, okay.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

SEAN (AS JILL)

Um, well, um… I just… um… I was just going to head up and get some water at the well and you’re welcome to travel with me up the hill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sure! We’ll go up the hill with you to get some water.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, we will get water up the hill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Mm-hmm.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

From where water originates.

SEAN (AS JILL)

It-It’s just water.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. Just water.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I know. Okay. Uh, yeah, we’ll follow you up there. Let’s go.

SEAN (AS JILL)

Okay.

SEAN

So she starts walking up the road with you two just sort of humming to herself and kicking at the pebbles in the road and every once in a while you see her turn and look back the way you guys came from just checking the road.

MARISA

So I take Eggerton aside, we walk a little behind Jill, and I say…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, if Jacklyn was where we were, do you not remember there was a huge battle where we were?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, but then everything got reset.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah but do you think Jacklyn would get reset? What if they were hurt?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, we got reset sort of… I think.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I know but nothing happened to us in the battle. Remember, we got through it.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. But that’s only because of my bravery.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, yes. Definitely your bravery and the three huge knight things that were there to crush everything in their path; that might have had something to do with it too.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I was very good at Generaling them.

SEAN

And you both almost walk into Jill who has stopped moving.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hi. Hi!

(giggles nervously)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sorry, sorry about that.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hi Jill. How’s things? Long time, no see.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, are you OK… Jill?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hi Jill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Jill?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hey Jill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello?

SEAN

Jill’s head turns almost not as a part of her body. And you see dark, black eyes.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Shattering!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Shattering!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Found it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Shattering! I’m stepping back. I’m moving away from Jill.

SEAN

And her body then follows when her head hits the limit of its movement. Her body then follows until…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

The Shattering’s not very good at humanoid physiology.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, I don’t think that’s what’s important right now. We’re in trouble.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

We’re… we’re not in trouble. It’s just the Shattering. What’s the worst that could happen?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Jill? Jill? Are you still in there?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Jill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

No, there is no Jill in here. Oh wait, ha… there is.

(contemptuously)

Crying little thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Listen, you… you let that poor girl alone. You hear me? You… you release her.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(grunts)

Says who?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Says Darcy.

SEAN

And Jill takes a quick step forward.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gulps)

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Darcy! We’ve met before haven’t we?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, yes, we have.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(sighs)

SEAN

And Jill steps back a little and turns to face back the way you came.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

And now you bring war.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I‑I don’t know that we brought it.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No, we… we were there but kind of the war had already started when we got there. So really at most you could say we follow war but we definitely don’t bring war. I wouldn’t say I’m a war bringer or monger, maybe a war follower. Or a war seconder.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Alright.

(sharply)

Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We are here to make sure that people like you aren’t taking over. That’s… that’s why we’re here.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, we… we are gonna set the record straight.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(under her breath)

I really wish we had Blat’s bazooka right now.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I see. So to stop me, you’re going to march on entire worlds and massacre everyone in them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(tentatively)

That wasn’t my plan.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean by massacre?

SEAN

Jill’s body slowly turns and her head angles down so she’s gazing at Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That’s unsettling.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

“Massacre” is to destroy everything living in this Storyverse, this world… until it resets.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What would that achieve?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(laughing)

It’s your plan.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, as I said, it’s not really OUR plan. We’re… we’re cogs I’d say..I mean… I’m a General cog… I’m… I’m the bigger cog.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Oh, a General?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. Umm… but you know, not that important of a General now that you’re asking… more of like a second tier General, like I do craft services for the soldiers. That’s my division. Uh… we held a river but there was just a walking fish named Trevor. Umm… and I tried telling the soldiers to go and do things, but they kept saying “Oh well give us orders, give us orders!” and I tried giving them orders but they always…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We didn’t massacre anyone!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We fought against the Shattering; we fought evil. That’s… that’s what we did.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, that too.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Oh, I’m evil am I?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I feel like the whole twisty head black eye thing kind of… is a go-to evil move. I mean, if you showed up with peanut butter sandwiches and high fives we probably wouldn’t think you’re evil. Why are you looking at me like that?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

War makes strange bedfellows doesn’t it?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah well, I have had to sleep with Eggerton the past few nights in the tent.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I thought… ummm… we weren’t going to talk…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you know, it’s a bit stinky in there I have to admit.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I know. I mean, someone’s got to…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Too much craft services Eggerton. Too much craft services.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I can’t help it! My body produces extra gas when I eat field rations but Moira wouldn’t let me bring a kitchen or a campfire.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, okay, maybe this is not the place for this.

(to the Shattering)

Listen, when you possess other people’s bodies, that is generally the indication of someone evil because… I’m sure Jill doesn’t want you in there. Huh? Huh? She doesn’t want to have those black eyes and the twisty head going on.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

You’re right. She doesn’t. I’m fighting for my very existence.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, what am…

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I am not the one trying to eliminate an entire species from existence.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Which species would that be?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Me.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I thought you were like an individual.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

No.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I feel that we may not have been given proper lessons on the Shattering so here’s… okay Darcy, why don’t you tell the Shattering three things that you know about the Shattering?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um, I know that you’re evil… we’ve definitely been told that.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Mm-hmm… that’s one. Yup, definitely.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And your name, “The Shattering”… that in its essence means you’re splitting universes apart and destroying things.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yup, yup, yup.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You know, when you shatter a teacup it’s not very useful anymore am I right?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Exactly. Yeah, and who wants to shatter a teacup? Nobody. Everyone likes tea cups.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I do like tea cups and tea.

(getting back to the matter at hand)

And third! That black eye thing is very disturbing. Nobody likes that.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Again, if you showed up with golden eyes and high fives we wouldn’t think you’re evil but…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rainbows and unicorns…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Rainbow…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Read the room.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Read the field, read what’s going on here.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I hear these notes. And I will take these notes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Alright, that’s reasonable. That’s surprisingly…

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

But a world without breakage, a world without entropy cannot exist. A world without death, a world without any change. THAT is my role in this world. All worlds. Energy must go somewhere.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Aren’t… aren’t you trying to end time? Like all of it? Because that… that feels like more than a couple of tea cups.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Noooo.

SEAN

And Jill starts to advance on you Eggerton.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Ohhh… really?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Um… noo… Safe space here. Let’s follow the rules.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This feels evil… this is feeling evil!

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Youuu. She has you believing I ended time?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you… you are the Shattering and time ended aaand that kind of feels like the thing the Shattering would dooo…

SEAN

Jill’s face gets very close to yours…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’m uncomfortable with this…

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(hisses)

Whyyy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, Creepy Jill, Creepy Jill… over here.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah look… look at her, she’s big and tough. Look at her.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Ask Moira who created and detonated the bomb, why don’t you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

There was a bomb?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Oh yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Creepy Jill.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Yes Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Does the name Ananka mean anything to you?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

No.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

Wow. I thought that maybe Ananka did the bomb, you know Eggerton ‘cos Moira said Ananka did something… right?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Tell you what, seeing as you have massacred—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t like that word.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

—all of my people here, I will give you this world.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That’s nice of you.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Yesss. I will take but one small artifact from it.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Actually, we need that artifact to get our friend back.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Which artifact do you need?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

The one that we’re gonna find here… because we’re real good artifact finders.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Well, why don’t you name the artifact you want?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uhhh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That one that you want. That’s the one we want.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah… that’s… ha… funny how that works out sometimes… so if you could just let us know where you put that object and maybe describe it because we have…

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

You can have the bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it’s… it’s the bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

It’s the bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I thought it was a nice bucket…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s right here. That’s easy.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Alright. So okay, we’ll take the bucket and… ummm…

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Perfect. And I’ll take this.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What’s this?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s that?

SEAN

And the black eyes disappear. And you see Jill sort of shaking her head like…

SEAN (AS JILL)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened? What have you done to me?!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uhhh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Nothing.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

We didn’t do anything but an evil presence did take over your mind for a minute.

SEAN

She starts to grasp at the air around her.

SEAN (AS JILL)

What’s happening?! What’s happening?! What?! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

(screams)

SEAN

She just disappears.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Holy crackers!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It took Jill!

(weakly)

But we do have the bucket.

THE SWAMP

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So your religion is working for you? Excellent. Sooo…

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(unintelligible noises)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh yes, I see. It all does seem to be working out for you. Uh… you don’t like…

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(more unintelligible noises)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right, excellent point. It is a lovely temple that you have.

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(happy garbling)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Th-the moon? That’s of no interest?

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(angry grunts)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Nooo… right. Yes, of course. Uh, no moon there. So… uh…

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(smacking of lips and low rumbling)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, that’s really fine. I can’t stay to eat.

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(deep, sinister laughter)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…or be eaten. Or… whatever you’re asking.

MICHAEL (AS SWAMP PERSON #2)

(strange hooting noises)

SEAN (AS SWAMP PERSON #1)

(more sinister laughter)

MARISA, MIKE AND SEAN (AS SWAMP PEOPLE)

(laughing and hooting and slobbering)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

OK, well I’m gonna leave you folks alone. OK… alright. Good luck with everything. Buh-bye.

MARISA (AS SWAMP PERSON #3)

Bah-bye.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So let’s see, that is… 54 nos, one yes… no peat moss. Lord, I am bad at this. But I…

A rustling of paper.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh wait. Of course. I forgot all about this special letter that was in my vampire pants. Let’s see… ahem.

“Prophecy of the Fallen as spouted by the Oracle of Idris.”

Oh, this is quite interesting.

“The Ancient One stirs beneath the land / for Morrigu has given to him her hand…”

Ohhh.

“To rule the kingdom that shall never be / Against them stands but the Three.”

That sounds like it might be important. Um.

“One must rise to beguile the gods / the Beast within will soon be seen / Another brings the great tree down / as death claims the final clown.”

Well, that’s a bit oddly written.

Ahem. The last stanza.

“When the Three stand on fields bled blue / And heaven splits the sky in two / One shall rise to claim his throne… / And the earth shall be overthrown”?!

He crumples up the paper.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Get rid of that… my heavens… “earth shall be overthrown”? Well I’ve no interest in overthrowing the earth.

Wait a second. If I still have Morrigu inside me and I could use that to possibly fight against Celene? And then… I wouldn’t have to do this anymore? Let’s see… what’s uh… what’s up next?

(consults his map)

Let’s see… in about a day and a half of walking I’m going to come across a church where they worship facial tissues. Oh, I can’t do this anymore! It’s the stupidest thing. That’s it.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, excuse me, young man.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hi. Y‑yes? Hello.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, would you mind opening the door to my hut here? I’ve just got all these groceries.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh… uh… your hut? Do you live here by this temple here?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, yes. The Swamp people. Yes. They’re quite lovely. A little stinky.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I… you just don’t appear to be a swamp person.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh no, I’ve been around… been around… if you just wouldn’t mind opening the door.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh well, alright. Uh, here you are. Your door is open.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, thank you so kindly. Oh, please just, um, come on in. Come in. Close the door behind you. I’ll just set these down over here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um, alright. Okay.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(straining)

I’ll take the lid off my cauldron and… uh… are you good at cutting carrots? Here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, well, I’m not bad I suppose. I’ll cut some carrots for you.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

What’s a young man like you doing in the swamps?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I have a job you see where I have to try to convince people to give up their religious way of life.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(laughing loudly)

HA! That’s a horrible job.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, it’s quite terrible. And the funny thing is, I’m quite bad at it.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I can’t convince anybody.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Huh… it doesn’t sound easy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I’m enslaved you see by a Goddess. Uh, Celene the Goddess of the Moon.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, yes… Celene… yeah… yeah… difficult… difficult goddess. Difficult energy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So how much carrots do you want in here anyway?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, that’s good, that’s good. Here. Work on the onions.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Onions! Very good. You don’t want it to be too carrot heavy. Alright. Onions. So, uh… do you worship the same God as the Swamp people? Wh-who do the Swamp people worship?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, no, I don’t worship the Swamp people’s gods. I’m just an old woman. I work in the… the Old Arts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The Old Arts!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I see. Old Arts.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Now, if you’ll just climb into the cauldron.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Climb into the cauldron?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes, just get in there… it’s nice and warm.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It is quite warm in here!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes, it is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do I distribute the onions around evenly?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes… just put them in with you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Excellent, excellent.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, that’s good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now when you say that you worship the old arts…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I notice that you’re preparing food with a cauldron. Now I’m sorry if this is an outdated term and I don’t mean…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, just let me shift you a little there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh alright.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Gotta stir it. Don’t want it to stick.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’ll just use my leg here.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

If I swish it around that’ll stir.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now I‑I don’t mean to use an outdated term that may offend but the old arts… would that make you some sort of a… witch?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, we don’t use that term anymore.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I’m terribly sorry.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

No, it’s OK. It’s OK.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I knew I was being offensive… I’m sorry.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

I’m a Mistress of the Dark Arts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Mistress of the Dark Arts! Well, that sounds very foreboding.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, indeed. So that’s it for vegetables? Just carrots and onions?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, you know I don’t want to set off my stomach.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh, very good. I see. So it just seems like it’s lacking a main ingredient.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

No, you just keep sitting in there… everything will be fine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Alright.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes. Here, you can stir yourself. Here… hold this.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… oh… oh… the spoon. Well… alright. I’ll use that instead of my leg. I was getting tired of kicking. Ahhhh, Mistress of the Old Arts. So what do you get up to with all this Mistressing and “old arting”?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, I just… I just sniff it out.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sniff it out?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

A keen old nose still to this day.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hmmm.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Find the next one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The next one? Yes. Yes. Oh, wait a second… you don’t believe that it’s your life’s mission to find some sort of Chosen One is it?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, no, no. Nothing but that. Nothing like that!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, thank goodness. I had a group that swore up and down that I was the Chosen One of their religion and, uh, that didn’t work out very well at all. Now look where I am.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

I’m just going to sniff you a little. Hold on (takes a deep inhale)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you. I do smell quite good. I was able to take a bath a few days ago.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

I’m just going to anoint your eyebrows with this stock ointment here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh,well. I‑that’s getting a little personal. I…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

That looks good, yes. A little on your nose.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh..uh… ewww. Um… well, this looks like it’s about done and, uh, I am getting quite wet. I wasn’t a big fan of this outfit but I do appear to be soiling it and it’s the oldest one I have.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, yes. Let’s take that off! Here, I’ll take it from you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Stay in there. No, no, just pull it off.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, alright.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

That’s much better.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It-it’s a vampire outfit.

(whispering)

Don’t worry. I’m not really a vampire.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, I know a vampire at a thousand paces.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Horrible, stinky fellows.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes… it’s terrible, the vampires. It’s so depressing.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Living forever. Their breath! They really should do something about that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Oh Lord in Heaven yes. A blood based diet’s just gonna give you the terrible, stinky breath.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Speaking of blood…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

We’re gonna need a little of yours.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Excuse me?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Dark One.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

We’re just gonna need a little of your blood.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I‑I’m sorry. One more time. You’re gonna need a little of my…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes! There, we’re done. That was fast, wasn’t it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ow-Ow!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes, here we go. Just collect it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

OW!

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yesss… oh… good, good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Look, I‑I don’t mean to question your diet but are… are you putting my blood into your cauldron stew?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Oh, it’s not a stew.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, it’s got carrots and onions in it.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

This is a raising.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A rais…? Ah Lord. I think I have a good vocabulary and everyone just keeps using these terms that I’m not familiar with. A raising?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

I believe… outside… you were about to make a proclamation. Now would be a good time to continue… that proclamation.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh… right! Very good. Well, it’s… it’s a long story. But it seems I have an old, dark character living within me.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(excitedly)

Yes! Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

By the name of, uh…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

Yes! Say her name!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, what… what was that?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(rapturously)

YESSSS!!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The name was… Morri…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

YES!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Morri…

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(orgasmically)

OH-HAAAA!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…gu?

SEAN (AS CRONE)

AHHH!!! HA HA HA-AAAAHHH!!!

(starts to cackle uncontrollably)

YES! YES!!

(more diabolical cackling)

Oh, that hurts.

MIDROLL

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey, everyone, Sean here, and I got a few really cool, super awesome announcements. And then I promise to get you back to find out what Blat is doing ‘cos at this point, I don’t even know what he’s doing. Okay, first off, I was supposed to announce this a number of weeks ago. We have created a new Facebook group on Facebook. That’s where Facebook groups normally are. And it’s called the Reckless Play Guild. And it’s really cool because it’s really active. And it’s not just The End of Time and Other Bothers. Four different live plays have come together. So we’ve got The Lucky Die. We’ve got Dark Dice, we have Dumbgeons and Dragons and us all there and we’re doing some super fun things there. So give it a search: The Reckless Play Guild; we’ll put a link to it in the show notes. Click the link to join. We’ll get you approved in there right away.

Speaking of Dumbgeons and Dragons, they just released a new episode. And it’s sort of special because I’m in it, as is Travis from The White Vault and Liberty and all those shows. So it was a super fun time. We were at PodCon, I got up at 6 a.m. in the morning and trudged down to Pike Place and met up with Russ and the gang. And I have to say I love Dumbgeons and Dragons. They are such an amazing crew and cast and just all around great people and the show is super fun. And I got to play Snegal, who I believe now is a level 14 sorcerer not sure if that’s canon yet, but check it out. We’ll put a link in the show notes. It’s called: the episode is PodCon Two bonus episode one: “When Portals Collide and Birds Fight Back”. So that was super fun. Please give it a listen. Follow them. I love them so much. And it was again just an honour to be there.

Last thing before I get you back, we’re gonna be at Podfast. Podfast? We’re gonna be podfasting for the month of March! We’re gonna be at Podfast Expo… Podfest Expo… I’ll get it right at some point… March 7th to 9th. It’s in Orlando; you really don’t need to know what it’s called… you just need to know it’s in Orlando, March 7th through March 9th. I’m gonna be there. It’s, I think, our first year having a full audio fiction track; we’re gonna have representatives from Mars Fall, from the White Vault, from Girl in Space, a whole lot of other shows. So come on down. Say hi if you’re in the area. I will try and bring a few special things down so if you do spot me Say hi, I’ll hit you up with something and that’s about it. Without further ado, let’s get you back and let’s all find out what in bejeezus Blat is up to.

MIDROLL: ORIENTATION

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, um, welcome everyone to Orientation. I’m just gonna close the doors, sit down. Oh look at you wonderful three new knights for our regiment.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

(low moan)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Uh, please… please hold questions. Uh, I will ask questions. Okay, so here’s Slide One. “Welcome to the Nexus.” Uh, so… ah…

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Nexus does not compute.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, oh right… um… oh I don’t think you’ve gotten your programming yet. Right. Uh, so the Nexus is just where you live and we’re gonna fight the Shattering.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

SHAT-TE-RINGGGGGG.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yes, uh, so let’s go to Slide Two. This is about brains of people who work here are not to be eaten.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

Eat brainnnnns.

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Always eat brains?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No.

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Sometimes eat brains.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No, no, no, no. Oh no. There are certain brains…

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Often eat brains?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No. There are certain brains we don’t eat.

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Eat some brains, not all brains.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yes. Yes! Oooh, I think you might be a lieutenant-in-training.

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Eat his brain?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Mmm… yeah sure.

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Eat my brain?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No. Not that… no. We need your brain… what’s left of it.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

Needs salt.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yes. Okay, so let’s go to the final slide…

MARISA (AS KNIGHT #3)

I ate final slide.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh. Yes, well, I guess we didn’t really need it. You’re all looking at me funny. I think I’ll go now. Uh, you’re all great. You’ve all passed. Welcome! Yeah, no, okay. You can just, uh…

MARISA (AS KNIGHT #3)

Juicy brain.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Uh, no.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

otherbothers.com.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Uh, yes, go to otherbothers.com quickly. And, uh, click on the link to Patreon, fill out the fields and then… uh… get away! AAAAAHHHHH!

MARISA (AS KNIGHT #3)

(low moan)

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Ten dollars monthly gets you brain.

MIKE (AS KNIGHT #1)

Can we say that legally?

CARTER (AS KNIGHT #2)

Void where prohibited.

UP THE HILL

SEAN

And we cut back… to standing on a road, leading up on a hill to a somewhat confused looking small, flightless fairy and a human looking Darcy.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So what you’re saying is that the bucket was the artifact and, um, the Shattering took Jill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think that’s what happened. I mean, I think it’s offensive for a human being to be considered an artifact but somehow that’s what the Shattering seemed to do and just take her like she was some kind of object.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What do you think the Shattering meant with all that stuff about Moira and lying and not, you know, being the one responsible for the end of time ‘cos it feels like… that’s in contradiction to most of what we’ve been told.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I have to tell you, it makes me a little worried.

SEAN

You hear a whistling coming from the direction you came from. So, heading towards the clearing in the hill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

Oh no, it’s Jacklyn.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe, it’s just some other person going up a hill…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

To fetch a pail of water?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, or curds and whey… you know… whatever they’re in the mood for.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh brother, read your story books. Alright come on… let’s… let’s meet whoever this is.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, let’s go. Wait! Don’t forget the bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, yeah… you hold… no, wait I’ll hold on to it. Alright, let’s go.

SEAN

You see a figure approaching wearing a simple cloak, a brown wool tunic and pants and heavy boots. You catch a round and happy face as someone is whistling with flashing green eyes as they get closer and carrying a bucket and sort of swinging it merrily and heading towards you both.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Do you think that’s Jacklyn?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. One hundred percent. One hundred percent Jacklyn.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK… you go break the news to her.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’ll wait here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

And watch our six.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? I’m supposed to break the news that “hey, your best friend Jill just disappeared and was taken by the Lord of Darkness.”

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think they’re best friends Darcy but that’s okay. Uh, maybe we can, uh, you know, redefine the strategy after you tell her and I’ll just hang out here with the bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello! Uh, excuse me.

SEAN

The figure is spinning around like attacking someone with their bucket and then pauses and goes…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Hey, hello.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um, hey, are you by any chance Jacklyn?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Uh, yeah, that’s me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well. Very nice to meet you. My name is Darcy.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Hey Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have matching buckets. Ha ha. Isn’t that… cute?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I know that bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, do you?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Wh-why do you have Jill’s bucket?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh-oh, this was a bad introduction. Um, so we… um… Eggerton! Eggerton, you wanna come here for a minute?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hi, I’m Eggerton.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is Eggerton. Isn’t he cute; he’s a fairy.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

You haven’t answered my question. Wh-where’s Jill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Why do you have Jill’s bucket?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, you didn’t… tell Jacklyn yet?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Not yet.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Tell me what?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, so I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh boy.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Which would you prefer to hear first?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I want you to show me Jill. Right now.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, we’ll start with the good news. This bucket is in magnificent condition. It may have a little bit of the Shattering on it.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Aaaaahhhhhh!

SEAN

Jacklyn swings their bucket at Eggerton, charging at your head. What do you do?

MICHAEL

I… duck.

SEAN

Okay… roll Defy Danger, Dex.

MICHAEL

Defy danger, Dex… that’s an 8 with a zero bonus for an 8.

SEAN

And that is a partial success; read to me what happens on a Defy Danger, partial success.

MICHAEL

“On a 7–9, you stumble, hesitate or flinch. The GM will offer you a worse outcome, hard bargain or ugly choice.”

SEAN

So would you like to go tumbling down the hill and break your crown?

MICHAEL

(gasps)

SEAN

Or… would you like to be hit by the bucket?

MICHAEL

Well, I don’t have a crown so I’m gonna go with the bucket I think.

SEAN

Okay, you’re getting hit by the bucket? Okay, so you take… uh… can you roll for me a 1d4?

MICHAEL

4!

SEAN

You take 4 hit points damage. So Jacklyn swings through, clocks Eggerton solid and sends him sprawling backwards into the road…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

AAAAAAHHHH!!

SEAN

…and spins and looks at you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, wait, we didn’t hurt Jill! We didn’t hurt Jill! Please, wait, wait… I can tell you what happened. I can tell you what happened to Jill.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, so, so we met Jill.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…coming up the hill…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…to fetch a pail of water… anyway, that’s not the important part! The important part is that when we got to the top of the hill, Jill was possessed an… and her eyes went dark and this evil presence was talking to us and… and then they told us to take the bucket and then Jill just disappeared. It’s the truth. I swear.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

That’s insane!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s happened to us before.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

But where’s Jill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know. She’s just gone.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Why do you have her bucket?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, uh, it was just left on the hilltop; I‑I thought I should take it.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

That’s so crazy. I‑I don’t know why but I believe you. I need to find Jill. I need to find Jill. I’m sorry… no, I’m not sorry I hit your friend. I need to find Jill.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Owwwwww.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

OK.

MARISA

I go over to help Eggerton up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can you… can you stand Eggerton?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I want her bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You want…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

…Jill’s bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um, um…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that’s kind of our bucket now.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

AHHHHHHHHHH!

SEAN

What do you do? Charging, swinging the bucket.

MICHAEL

Um, I… scream.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

AHHHHHHHHHH-HA-HA!

SEAN

You take a bucket to the head. Roll d4.

MICHAEL

Three.

SEAN

You take another hit point. So, Eggerton goes flying backwards; you hear a resounding… and Eggerton goes flying backwards…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Ahhhhhh!

SEAN

…into the grass.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Wait, stop. What… can I ask you…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I know how to use this bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I know. Clearly you do. Uh, can I ask you a question?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

(gritted teeth)

After you give me Jill’s bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why do you need Jill’s bucket?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

(angrily)

‘Cos it’s Jill’s bucket!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Okay, I have something to tell you. And I’m sorry if this is gonna sound really weird. But… but this bucket is really important to us and… and… let me tell you why.

(in a strangled voice)

We’re trying to stop the end of the world.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

GAHHHHHHHH!

SEAN

What do you do?

MARISA

I duck.

SEAN

OK… roll Defy Danger.

MARISA

And what do I do? Dex?

SEAN

2d… yeah… +Dex. So…

MARISA & SEAN

2d6.

MARISA

(referring to sheet)

It’s so long… I have to find my Dex.

SEAN

Or +Strength. Whichever’s better. Your main sheet.

MARISA

Oh, yeah. My Dex is better. Alright…

SEAN

+1.

MARISA

I roll a… ohhhh… a 3+1 is a 4.

SEAN

Roll d4! Roll d4.

MARISA

It’s a 1.

SEAN

So you take one… so it basically glances off of your shoulder… ummm… but Jacklyn is not… does not look happy and is looking like they’re gonna swing again.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, Darcy, I’m coming to rescue you. Ready? Bazooka!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no, that’s not gonna work, Eggerton!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh yeah, that wasn’t me…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, wait!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Wait… no… wait… what?

MARISA

So I cast Hold Person.

SEAN

Okay.

MARISA

Which is a… so how do we cast spells again? Uh, roll Wis.

MICHAEL

Tee-hee-hee!

SEAN

So roll 2d6 plus your wisdom to cast a spell.

MARISA

It’s a 7… +2 is a 9. So on a 10+, the spell is successfully cast. On a 7–9 the spell is cast but choose one: I draw unwelcome attention or put myself in a spot; your casting distances you from your deity, take ‑1 ongoing to Cast A Spell. And after it is cast, the spell is revoked by your deity. So I think… oh… unless…

SEAN

You can keep the spell if you take one of the other things: draw unwelcome attention or take a negative 1. So you decide if you want to keep the spell so you can use it again…

MARISA

Um, no, I’ll-I’ll…

SEAN

You’ll let it go?

MARISA

I’ll let it go.

SEAN

Okay. So you cast Hold Person.

MARISA

So… yeah, here… sorry… here you go. You can read it. There.

SEAN

Yeah. Sooooo… until you leave their presence, they cannot act except to speak. Cool. Okay, and so, what happens? Wh-what do we see?

MARISA

So Darcy gets up and, uh, throws out her hands towards Jacklyn and Jacklyn suddenly just freezes on the spot, the pail in mid-air coming through on a swing. And they look a bit shocked. But they cannot move and they’re stock still.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Huuuuh. Wait… what have you done?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I’m so sorry I had to do that Jacklyn. This really has nothing about you. And we have nothing against you or Jill but we are trying to save the world. And we really need this bucket.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

No, no, no, please! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just… Jill was everything to me. And I’ve never told her. I need to tell her. You have to help me find Jill. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won’t attack you again. Please.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How can I be sure of that ‘cos…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I swear on my father.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…my friend is looking really woozy. You’ve hit him twice in the head now.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(slightly dazed)

I’m good. Put me into play!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

OK… look… take… look… can you take my bucket and give me Jill’s bucket?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(to Eggerton)

I don’t know. Can we?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Look at all the candle lights they put up to let people know that I’m performing tonight.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

OK, I think I have to make that decision. Uh, no, I don’t think I can. I think I need this bucket. But… but… but… but!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

But I’m the one that goes to get the water. She never gets the water.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You mean… you always get the water?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Yes. She always waits for me and I go up the hill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Alright. We’ll take… your bucket.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Thank you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And we’ll help you find Jill.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Thank you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Now I’m gonna let you go now.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And, if you try anything…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I won’t. This is really weird.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There might be a big scary creature who appears here so you better just stay calm.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve been trying to lose weight and those kinds of words are hurt…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not talking about you Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

S‑sorry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s fine. Now you should eat a fairy cake.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s a good idea.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

What’s a fairy cake?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, you wanna have one with me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s really yummy. Okay…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I can’t move.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…let me… let me do the talking, Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA

So I throw my hands again towards Jacklyn. And they can suddenly move.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Thank you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re welcome.

SEAN

Jacklyn sets their bucket down at your feet.

MARISA

And I pass Jill’s bucket to Jacklyn.

SEAN

They cradle it.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so I’m… I’m gonna have a fairy cake now. Uh, I’ve got, you know, classic purple swirly here.

SEAN

Roll for fairy cake.

MICHAEL

Rolling for fairy cakes.

MARISA

Too long since we’ve heard that. What is it?

MICHAEL

That’s a 5. With bonuses.

SEAN

It doesn’t taste right.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(smacking his lips)

Is this one of the poison ones?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you make poison ones?!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, only sometimes just in case someone tries to sneak into my cache.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton! You should have separate pouches then for the…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(retching noise)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, no. Oh no.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s OK… everything’s gonna be… hurp!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Use the bucket… just use the bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay, thank… it’s a good thing we found this…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Oh not…

(sighing)

Oh… OK.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Use the… use the bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Hoarkkkkkkkkkkk! Oh God! No, it’s OK… no, it’s… I think the worst of it’s—

(as if the depths of hell have opened up)

Ooooooooaaaaarrggghhhh!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’ll-I’ll go get some water.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Water would be very… Ooooohhhhharrrrkkkkkk!!

(weakly)

I’ll never do it again. GAKARGGHHHHHH!

(weeping ensues)

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Here. I brought some water.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

WHOOGGGHHHHHHH!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Um… I’ll just… uh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you. Uh… thank you, Jacklyn.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Can I pour this into something?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’ll-I’ll do this. I’ll just drink it.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

You’re not drinking from this!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

BLEEUUUGHHHH!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

You’re not putting your… those lips on Jill’s bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK… I’ll scoop… I’ll scoop out of your bucket.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

No! You’re not putting that hand in Jill’s bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh no… I didn’t puu…

(more retching)

Oh okay, that was not good now either.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Does anybody have a flask?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy? Do you have a canteen in your… in your bag?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, yes I do. Here, here.

MARISA

And I pull it out and I dip it into the bucket and I bring it over to Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. AAAHHHGGGUUUUGH!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, no more poison fairycakes.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ll try and remember that.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Why do you… why are you eating poison… why do you have poison…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He thinks through things in a strange manner. We don’t like to ask questions a lot.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

OK.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

These things just happen.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Can… can someone please…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

BLEEEUUUGHHH-UUGGHH-UGGGH!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Can you please… can we step over here? Can you just go over what happened again? And… and what can we do to find Jill?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, yeah, let’s… let’s go over here. Um, okay, so… I don’t know what happened to Jill. She disappeared. Is there somewhere in your… this world… because you know… of course my world too… why would it be a strange world… uh… this place that we’re in that, um, has recently seen some dark times or having trouble? Uh, anywhere that used to be light and unicorns and rainbows and now isn’t?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

There’s unicorns?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh well, nah… it’s just a metaphor really.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Oh, that’d be cool.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Like, uh, your village. Wayward? Is that what it’s called? Is everything okay there?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Um, yeah, no. Well, I mean, I don’t really fit in. And I’m not really supposed to be seeing Jill but… but that’s always… like…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s not really what I’m… I’m sorry about that. And… and I hope you and Jill live happily ever after once we find her. But um, but I just mean like, something dark going on. Like any creepy people around anywhere.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

HEEUGGHHAAAAGGGHHHHHH!

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Well, that’s a little weird.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but he’s with me so…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Oh. No, I haven’t heard anything. Um, it’s like… you know that feeling where you’re just doing everything again?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Really?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You mean like things were… rebooted?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I don’t know what that means but yeah, like… like I’ve done this before. And it’s… but not always, like this seems new. But some things are just like… the same.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I‑I could see that. Um… just give us…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

They should have a word for that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… Deja vu?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

No, like a good word for that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, if you just wait here I have to talk to my friend.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(under her breath)

If he can talk.

(to Jacklyn)

Just hold on for a minute.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’m gonna inspect this bucket and see if there’s anything…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We also have to clean out our bucket. So…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

Eggerton!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

There’s a well at the top.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you feeling better?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

But be careful. It’s slippery.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I’m feeling much better now, thank you. I think I got it all out of… AUUAAAGHHHH! Okay, that was the last of it. I can see the fairy cake in there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, gosh. Oh, boy. Okay, I hope this doesn’t lower the value of this artifact. We’re gonna have to clean it out really well.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I’m pretty sure that you gave the artifacts to Jacklyn.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! No, listen, I don’t think I messed this up because remember… the weird, possessive person said that they were waiting for the bucket. And… and if that’s the bucket that was supposed to get the water which is Jacklyn’s, not Jill’s, then I actually think we have the right bucket. So we did swappy-swap-swap and I think that’s the right thing in the end. Oh my gosh, I’m sounding like you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, you’re finally starting to make sense.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Now if only we had some way to test if this bucket had the Shatter… well it has some stuff in it… but if it also had the Shattering in it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

Yes! That’s brilliant, Generalissimo. Here. Use your detector….

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, it’s Eggerton. Not Lissimo.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, sorry about that. Use your detector, uh…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah. Yeah, my Ice‑T. Which we’re not allowed to drink apparently. Uh, okay, so I’m gonna turn it to this little circly Detect setting…

SEAN

And it glows green… meaning there is no Shattering left in this world.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

There’s no Shattering left in the world at all. That’s… so… what’s the…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(darkly)

Oh no.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But the bucket could still be the artifact even if it doesn’t have the Shattering…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can it be? Is Jill the artifact we needed?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe. If only Moira had taken time to really explain how some of this exposion… expish… If only Moira…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You have been hit on the head multiple times. It’s okay. It’s okay. I‑I know what you’re saying Eggerton. I‑I know what you’re saying. Um, Moira’s chapping my ass a bit, I have to tell you but listen… you might be right… we… we might have the wrong artifact so I told Jacklyn we’ll help them find Jill. And that’s what I think we have to do. But the thing is, I don’t know if Jill is on this world anymore.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

BLEEEUGGGGHHHH! Okay, no, that’s definitely the end. That’s the end of it. Okay, so what if we… wait… wait… why don’t we ask Moira… she might know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

First of all…(starts coughing)

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, it’s very smelly. I’m sorry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

First of all, since you gave yourself a poison fairy cake I think I better help you with your wounds there.

MARISA

So I reach out and I touch him and I use Cure Light Wounds.

SEAN

Roll for Spell.

MARISA

…which is…

SEAN

Oh, no, it’s a…

MARISA

No, it’s a rote.

Yeah, it’s a rote. So, uh, you get to roll 1d8 and heal yourself of 1d8 damage.

SEAN

…a rote. Cool.

Do you get a plus on wis… I think or no…

MARISA

Uh, not… no, I don’t think so.

SEAN

OK… cool. So, roll 1d8.

MARISA

Don’t roll a 1.

MICHAEL

1d8. 5!

SEAN

You get 5 hit points back. That’s really good.

MARISA

Okay.

SEAN

So what do we see? What happens?

MARISA

OK.

SEAN

Do we see anything?

MARISA

Yeah, when I touch Eggerton, there’s a faint glow that encompasses him and, uh… and he looks also glowy and tinkly.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I feel much better now. It’s like all of the poison has left my system but that, um, bucket full of… you know, the smell…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

…is big… big… big…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no, no, no,

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Heerrpppp!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

It’s just… it’s kind of… heearrrppp!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve never been good around… you know…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton. Eggerton!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Heerpppp! Just take the bucket… take the bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m taking the bucket.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

HEERRPPPP!

MARISA

So I run up to the top of the hill and I douse the bucket into the well and I clean it out as best I can.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(calling)

Did you put all the puke in the well?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I did what I had to do Eggerton!

MARISA

And I run back down the hill… with the bucket. And…

SEAN

Roll Defy Danger; it’s slippery and you’re running.

MARISA

Oh, come on! So that is…

MARISA & SEAN

2d6.

MARISA

Plus Dex, I guess?

SEAN

Yup.

MARISA

That is a Nine… but I still think that’s a partial fail.

SEAN

Sooooo…

MARISA

I stumble, hesitate or flinch.

SEAN

So, basically Darcy comes down, starts to slip, starts to fall. The bucket goes flying out of Darcy’s hands.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Woah! Wooahhh!

SEAN

…as she tumbles head over heels…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oooaaahhh… ooouuuf….ouuuuf!

SEAN

…and lands next to you all.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! Ohhhh.

SEAN

And her head, her crown, strikes a root… for 1d4 damage.

MARISA

Three.

SEAN

Three hit points damage.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So the crown was a metaphor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Actually, it’s a normal term for your head… never mind… it doesn’t matter. Ouch! That hurt.

SEAN

Jacklyn kneels down beside you.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Are-are you okay?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I‑I’m okay. I think I’m just a little shaken up.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’ve done it many times. Here, I‑I’ll go refill that for you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, don’t really need it refilled. I’m…

SEAN

Jacklyn goes back up the hill to get water.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(calling after them)

I just want an empty bucket!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

Did Jacklyn leave the first bucket?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know which bucket…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, hold on, I’m gonna turn on my thing quick and test that bucket. Click.

SEAN

There is no Shattering in this world. It is green.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think either bucket has the Shattering.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

What we need to do is ask Moira what to do in this situation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have to find Jill; that’s what we have to do. She’s the artifact!

I‑No, because the Shattering, who I take to be very honest, said that the bucket was the artifact…

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You take the Shattering to be very honest?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know, we had a very good conversation and I feel like when you really sit down and you try and work things out, you have to start somewhere. So I’m giving…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s called the Shattering.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. And there’s no illusion about…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It talks like this.

(in evil voice)

“Hello. I am the Shattering; I am here to be your friend.” That doesn’t sound very un-evil to me.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That is exactly how you sound in the morning.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s fair. I’ll give you that. That’s very true.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But then I become less evil throughout the day.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Ehhhhh… Okay, so I’m gonna… I’m gonna call Moira real quick while Jacklyn’s, you know, gettin’ water from the puke well.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’m right… right here.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, heh, heh, heh, heh! I‑you didn’t scare me. You’re very quick, aren’t you? Yeah, it’s… it’s… you’re Jacklyn of the Hill, I guess we could say. Uh, is that what you’re called? No?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’m from Wayward.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

You’re wayward. Well…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey Eggerton, why… why don’t you go over by that tree over there…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…and do your business.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’m going to go urinate against this tree.

And maybe talk to myself and sometimes my pee sounds like a woman talking back to me so don’t be alarmed.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay thanks… too much…

Okay… too much information! Thanks Eggerton, thanks Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

It happened to me as a child.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ah yes.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay… I’m going…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Remember… many times on the head with your bucket. You…

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Would you like the bucket of water?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, thank you… I‑I will take that. In fact, I can carry both buckets if you like.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

That’s okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, you take that bucket. So, uh, where do you think we should start looking for Jill?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

You guys aren’t from here, are you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What gave that away?

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Uh, the glowing bracelets. The glowing when you touched him. I‑I’m not stupid. Um…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re not from here.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I know. I‑I’ll… I’ll do anything to help find Jill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Here’s the problem. I don’t think Jill’s any longer from here either.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think she’s… somewhere else.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Then I’ll go with you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Really? It-It could be dangerous.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I will do anything to find Jill.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You are really handy with that bucket.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’m really good with bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, we could use some people who are good in battle. We are not so good.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I‑I got that.

MICHAEL

Cut to… shaking off in the trees. Eggerton turns the switch on his medallion to Coms.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, Moira. Moira. Moira, are you in there?

SEAN

(static noise)

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh Moira, where are you when… this is why I wanted Ananka because she always answered the medallion even when I was in the cage outside the castle.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

This is Knight 14735.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Proceed with message.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Umm… hi. It’s Eggerton from… the… adventuring party. Uhhhh, you know, from the end of time.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Your message has been delivered.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No…

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Thank you.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That wasn’t the message. Okay.

SEAN

(static noise)

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh… okay gotta start over. Okay, I’m gonna try again. Click. M‑Moira. Are you there?Moira?

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

This is Knight 14735. Proceed with message.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, Moira… so we came across the Shattering… the Shattering was in this person. The person then got disappeared but left the bucket without…

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Your message has been delivered to Moira.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Okay, I’m gonna do one more. I can get it out in one go. I am known for my brevity. Okay, so click. Hello Knight?

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

This is Knight 14735.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I’m ready this time.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

The message machine is full.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh no!

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Please call back later.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Ahhhhh… always happens to me. Well, at least it’s not like those newfenangled medallions who don’t even set up their voicemail knights. Anyway…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(calling to him)

Eggerton! How’s the, um, urinating going?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Um, I’m having a problem with the stream. Could you come help?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Nope. Um, why don’t you just come out here and tell me what the problem is?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Because it’s a Moira kind of problem. And I feel that it would be best served if you came over here and helped with the Moira stream of urine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry, Jacklyn. This is gonna seem strange to you. It’s just how we do this on our world. I’ll be right back. Just one second.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Please don’t leave me here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I‑I’m not leaving you. I’m just going over to that shrub over there.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Please promise me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I won’t leave you.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s all fine.

SEAN (AS JACKLYN)

I’ll wait here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

MARISA

So I walk over to the bush.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispering)

Wh-what’s wrong?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So I called and I tried to leave a message but the knight didn’t give me enough time so I tried a couple more times and then it ran out of space on the message machine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What knight?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

The knight that answered… uh… 117–47, or something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(exasperated)

She has the knights answering her communication devices now?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Apparently. And you know I thought they were kind of friendly… he was a little on the rude side but, you know, I would be too if I had to carry all that plate mail around all day.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(in exasperation)

Huhhhhh… so what you’re saying is you did not get in contact with her.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No. I thought we could try your medallion in case maybe mine was rerouted somehow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um, you just said all the space was used up. My medallion isn’t gonna make any difference.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well, maybe your medallion goes to a different knight.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hmm. Yeah, but I still think all the space would be used up.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

So maybe we could try your medallion and just see what happens.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fine! Here… take my medallion.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh I guess…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You try it.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Excellent. Okay, I’ll turn it on. Uh, hello? Hello Moira?

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

This is Knight 14735. Please leave a message.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, Shattering here. Took Jill, we need Jill back, we have a bucket, I don’t know what to do with it. What’s the artifact? Call us back. Bye. Love you.

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Your message has been delivered. Please say “one” if you want to see other delivery options.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! One!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why would you say “one”?!

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Your message has been deleted.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Noooo! Okay. Okay, we got to try again. We got to try again.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

GAHHHHHHH!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Start over.

MICHAEL

Cut to 45 minutes later.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Moira! Shattering! Jill! Gone! Buckets! call us!

SEAN (AS KNIGHT 14735)

Your message has been delivered. Please say “one” if you want more delivery options.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

No.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Good. Just give it back to me. Give it back to me.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK, OK… here you go, here you go.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(grudgingly)

Alright, fine. Your idea worked. I owe you an apology Eggerton. Sometimes you have good ideas.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

That wasn’t an apology.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, I’m sorry that I doubted your good idea.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re welcome.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so uh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

P.S.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re now taking Jacklyn with us on all of our travellings. Okay, let’s go.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe she can hang out with, um, Scribbles.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe they would like to do that. I don’t know. I guess now we just wait until we hear back from Moira because I don’t even know how to get out of this place now.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But we can just turn the dial and push the button.

SEAN

Your medallions begin to chime.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Ohh! Ohhh… ohhh! It’s chim….OK. OK. I’m gonna answer mine first. Hello. This is Eggerton.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(curtly)

Is Darcy there?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

May I speak with her?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Well she’s right next to me. She can hear you.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Why do I have 175 messages?

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s actually my…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I am travelling with Eggerton, Moira. I think you can put two and two together. That makes a hundred and ninety-three or whatever you just said.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay. Is there Shattering in your world?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, no, actually it’s all gone.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Do you have an artifact?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, so we have two artifacts…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Perfect.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait… wait, there’s no Shattering on any of them. So, I’m sorry… I’m a little fuzzy on this. Does that mean they’re good artifacts or not?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, if there’s Shattering you’re not supposed to bring anything back; it’s been very clear. If there’s no Shattering you bring back an artifact.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! So wait… we might be fine. I think we have the right artifact.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

OK… so we can take pretty much anything…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(under her breath)

Oh god….

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

…and be like “Hey, it’s an artifact.”

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

It has to be pertinent to the story.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Look, I found a blade of grass… that Jill stepped on.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Pertinent to the story. Okay, you know what,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we have two…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I don’t care what you bring back…

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

…and this is going to be the artifact that we bring back and put in the Artifact Museum. Because nobody…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

…seems to… what? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton!

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

Yup.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s listen for a minute.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I was listening.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s use our listening skills.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I was listening.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Moira, we have two buckets; does it matter which one we bring back?

SEAN

Your medallions are not operating. They are dead.

MARISA

Oh…‘cos we didn’t recharge them.

MICHAEL

Okay, I’m putting mine back to Recharge.

MARISA

I’m putting mine on Recharge.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

I think we should take the buckets and take it to Celene and trade an artifact from a Storyverse for Blat.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! We’re not doing that, Eggerton.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

But then we’d have Blat back.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I want to get Blat back too, but I think there’s another way. And also we have to help this Jacklyn person find Jill.

MICHAEL (AS EGGERTON)

We can do that too, but I’d like to hear your other way.

SEAN

We pull out, seeing Darcy and Eggerton continue to go back and forth, while sitting on a stump nearby, Jacklyn watches looking from one to the other. We pull back until they are but dots.

THE SWAMP

Grinding guitar chords.

SEAN

We cut to a small hut in a swamp. The roof of the hut has been ripped open, and a darkness that is darker than the night flows down from the sky and fills this hut as a little old lady cackles in the corner.

And in the centre of this darkness is a cauldron bubbling and in it… is Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(in deep, gravelly voice)

I’ve tried being good. Let’s get rid of Celene another way.

SEAN (AS CRONE)

(diabolical cackling)

A pounding, trashy heavy metal finale.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role‐playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with Carter Siddall as Blat, Marisa King as Darcy and Michael Howie as Eggerton.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN AND CARTER

(in the manner of Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam)

Goooood morning William Shakespeare!

MIKE

That’s exactly how it went.

SEAN

That’s the title of his sex tape.

MARISA

No, that’s Is This A Dagger I See Before Me? BOOM.

Shouts and laughter.

CARTER

Name of my Shakespearean sex tape.