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23: Anywhere and Everywhere

Darcy desperately seeks a way to help Blat, while Blat desperately seeks a way to save Eggerton.

YES! Other Bothers has returned! We’re thrilled to be back in your headphones every two weeks with more ridiculous adventures.

Also: if you aren’t caught up on Dumbgeons & Dragons, now’s the time to do it — Sean got to be a special guest for Episode 83, their massive arc finale!

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: References to death and drugs; shouting, screaming, brawling and unsolicited touching.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whispering)

Hey, it’s Eggerton! I’ve got a quick important message for Winter. Everyone else, stop listening for a second.

(aloud)

So as it turns out, it wasn’t quite as serious an injury as initially thought, and it turns out that I’m okay. So Winter, everything’s okay. I’m gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay, we’re gonna rock and roll and, uh, I hope you enjoy the next episode. Thanks for listening!

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(in his gruff Blathoxil voice)

So the plan is simple. We kill Celene. I get rid of this thing that’s inside of me that’s making me talk this way. And things go back to normal.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I found a way into the castle.

SEAN

Darcy, your amulet begins to heat up.

The snow begins to melt beneath your feet to reveal stairs and a door.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe Loxsyn’s communicating to you through me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why? Why would she do that to me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait! Wait, m‑my amulet… it burns! Maybe… maybe this isn’t right!

MARISA

And I run back up the stairs and throw myself on the ground.

SEAN

And with that, the door disappears.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No!

MARISA

And I pull out the smash bauble.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Didn’t they say that this would get me back?

SEAN

And you step out into a beautiful sunny day.

SEAN (AS SLAAD)

Ohhh! Ohhh! Oh, it’s you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The Chosen One is in trouble!

SEAN (AS SLAAD)

Then come, we must go!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, let’s go, let’s go!

SEAN (AS GRUFF VOICE)

I’m Beehox. You’d probably know me as a troll. I’m gonna kill you both.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka.

His bazooka materializes.

SEAN

So it narrowly misses Eggerton, strikes the far wall and detonates, sending a rain of stones and shards out in every direction.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggsy, come here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I don’t think I can, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Come on, Eggerton… we’re gonna find that fairy cake satchel.

Eggsy?

TEMPLE IDRIS

Birds chirp in the background.

Running footsteps approach.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(panting)

Come, come this way! We must find Mother Speckley for you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! Hurry! Get her! Where is she?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I don’t know! Hold on, come. Open the doors! Open the doors, open the doors!

The door creaks open.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Wait. I swear, she was here in the main chamber.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Lazbo, we have to find her. This is urgent.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I understand. But… why is there nobody here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why is there nobody here? I don’t know! You’ve been the one here. Where is everyone?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I was out in the garden.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you must have noticed everyone just leaving!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Nobody left. I will check downstairs! Wait here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

SEAN

Lazbo runs down into the tunnel, and you are alone inside Temple Idris. And aside from the receding footsteps of Lazbo and his heavy breathing, you hear nothing else.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello? Hello, Mother Speckley? Anyone? Other Slaad? I need help! Somebody!

SEAN

And your amulet begins to glow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

Loxsyn.

Loxsyn, what are you doing to me? I’m so confused! I thought you sent me on one path, and then you closed the door and now my friends are in trouble. You have to help me. Loxsyn?

SEAN

And you hear a voice, and it says…

CARTER (AS LOXSYN)

(whispers)

Apple fritter.

MIKE

(laughs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sternly)

I do not have access to any baked goods, Loxsyn. This is not a good time for your appetites to come to the fore. Just help me, please.

SEAN

Your amulet begins to glow even brighter, filling the room with a blinding light. And you sense an apparition of an ephemeral figure, stepping forward out of the light, that you can sort of see through. And she doesn’t look happy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Loxsyn! You came! Please, you have to help me. What do I do? What do I do?

SEAN (AS LOXSYN)

(whispers)

Bring baked goods.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t have baked goods! You know what’s going on! This is urgent. My friends might be dead already.

SEAN

And the figure nods, and gestures at the altar, where a book begins to form, solidifying.

And then the light is gone, and Loxsyn is gone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

There’s nobody. I can’t find anyone!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t understand why everyone’s gone.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I don’t understand either. Whew! It’s just everybody.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right. Listen, I have to look at this book.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

What book?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The book on the altar.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No—there wasn’t a book on the altar, ever.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, there is now, Lazbo.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh.

MARISA

So I walk over to the altar.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

What is it?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It was left here by my goddess.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(with reverence)

Oh.

SEAN

As you approach the altar, you see a book you saw once before, long ago, in the Academy of the Fallen. Except it doesn’t have your symbol on the front. It doesn’t have Eggerton’s symbol on the front. It has Blat’s symbol on the front.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait. This wasn’t my book. This is… this is Blat’s book. Why?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

The Chosen One’s book?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, the Chosen One’s book.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

(gasps)

May I touch it?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I guess. Go ahead.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Everyone will be named Lazbo from here on out!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, if there is anyone left.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, that’s a good point, actually.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So? Did you feel anything?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No. Well, yes! I felt pleather and dust… and a sense of wonderment.

Pause.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, give it to me.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay.

MARISA

So I pull it away from Lazbo and I open it.

SEAN

Okay, you open the book.

MARISA

What do I see? Can I read it?

SEAN

Inside, as the first time you opened these books, it just looks like unreadable gibberish.

MARISA

(laughs)

I don’t remember the words I’m supposed to say.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

What? You’re supposed to say words?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The first time we used this book, I think there were words, and… and I can’t remember. I’m too stressed out!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Try “Chosen One”.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, okay. That’s a good idea. Um… Chosen One!

Silence.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Is something supposed to happen?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… Blat.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh! The Prophet!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, the Prophet!

Blathoxil.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh! Oh! Try “The Lazbo Sandwich”.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think that’s going to work.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

You could try it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The Lazbo Sandwich.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Thank you.

Silence.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Nothing’s happening! We don’t have time for this!

MARISA

And I’m rifling through the pages and I’m shaking it up and down…

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Um, I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve never been alone before. We always have circle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we can be a little circle.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, thank you. Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I could use your help, Lazbo.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I’m kind of lost—and you’ve no idea where Mother Speckley could have gone?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No, they were here, just an hour ago when I went out to tend the flowers.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I think I know what I have to do. I have to get this book to Blat.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

To the Chosen One?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

To the Chosen One. So let’s take the book and go through the portal back to where I came from.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay! Open the portal!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you have a bauble? I broke mine.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No, I used mine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There’s none here?!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I don’t know!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The shiny bauble thing. Isn’t there a storage unit for them? The Shiny Bauble Cupboard?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

No, Mother Speckley gives them out!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Arggh! Where are they? Have you checked the basement, with the.. the marble pool that turns into water? Have you checked that?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Yes, it’s our sandwich preparation area now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. Oookay.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Carter Siddall and Michael Howie.

Episode 23: Anywhere and Everywhere.

THE TUNNELS

SEAN

We shift to darkness. We hear grunting, rocks moving. We hear the dripping of water, muffled and distant, and it smells quite awful. It smells of death and dismemberment.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(grunts with effort)

Just have to get Eggerton free.

CARTER

And Blat checks to see if there’s any more rubble lying on top of Eggerton.

SEAN

No. Eggerton is fully exposed.

CARTER

Blat pulls Eggerton free, and checks to see if he’s breathing.

SEAN

He is not.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Alright, Eggsy. I don’t know if this is gonna work. But we’re gonna try something.

Morrigu.

A deep, roiling rumble that fades away to nothing.

SEAN

You feel something fighting against a barrier inside of you—a barrier placed there by another goddess quite recently. And it surges forward. You feel energy start to course through your veins… and then a growing hatred and frustration as it recedes again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. Great. I can’t call on Morrigu.

Another brief rumble.

SEAN

And you feel it surge again, and then fade, with even more anger and frustration.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Let me try something.

Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu Morrigu.

The rumbling grows—but fades yet again.

THE FAE LINES

Tinkling, echoing harp music.

SEAN

Eggerton, you hear music.

And it’s as if you just want to keep sleeping. The music’s getting louder and more insistent.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sleepily)

No, turn it off.

SEAN

And you’ve heard this music before. And it’s getting more insistent and louder until it’s roaring in your ears.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(mumbles)

Okay, I’ll get up, just five more minutes.

SEAN

And when you peek one eye open, you see a door that goes up into the heavens. It is massive. And way, way, way, way high up, written on the door is “The Rolling Scones Bake & Cake”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Cool.

SEAN

And you suddenly have flashbacks of shells exploding, and a cave-in, and feeling the life leaking out of your body. But you’re here lying on the ground completely intact, as you feel yourself in front of this door, and the music is playing quite loudly from inside.

The harp slowly gives way to a calliope, playing a familiar tune. The pitch wavers drunkenly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hokay, so I guess, you know, this is just how things go sometimes—you wake up and there’s a door. Uh… looks pretty cool! So you know, maybe I’ll go check out the party.

Hello? Knock knock? Anyone there?

His voice echoes unnaturally.

SEAN

As you approach this door, it slowly shrinks to match your size.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s convenient.

SEAN

And you knock and it swings open.

MIKE

I enter.

The kitchen music suddenly kicks in and speeds up to a madcap tempo.

SEAN

And suddenly you’re in a bowl—a giant mixing bowl.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

SEAN

And you are racing up and over and down and everyone is screaming.

High-pitched screams and laughter.

SEAN

And a fairy cake pops into your mouth and down your gullet. And the bowl banks to the left and everyone screams.

More screams.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yooo, Eggsy! Dude! It’s good to have you back!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mixing Bowl! It’s been so long.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yeah! It’s good. You haven’t forgotten anything I taught you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah!

MIKE

(breaks off, laughing)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I spend every night remembering our time together.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Cooool!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It wakes me up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat. It’s lovely.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yeah, dude. We’re gonna fly along the fae line! Here comes a good one. A loop-the-loop!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay—

The music accelerates along with the mixing bowl and friends. Screams and laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(screams)

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Oh no, we lost an apple!

(aside)

I never liked the apples, actually.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They can be kind of cranky.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yeah, totally tubular!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, a little sour—

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Here we go! Going up!

Screams.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

(panting)

This is a good one.

The music starts to slow as the bowl climbs higher.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so we’re at the top of this hill, which means we’re going to stay here, right? We’re not gonna go anywhere else. We’re going to stay right here and have a nice conversation, maybe some peppermint tea.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Whoa, dude.

Halt the ride, everyone!

The music grinds to a halt. Shouts of “whoa!”

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Whoa, dude, what’s going on, Eggsy?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I don’t know. I mean, I was. I was with my friends. And then there’s, you know, my arm felt bitey. And the number 8 kept floating around in my head for some reason, but then I woke up here!

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

We’re your friends.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! It’s so nice to see you, Strawberry!

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

It’s nice to see you too!

SEAN (AS A SQUEAKY VOICE)

We’re your friends too! Ha ha ha hey!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey! It’s… Pleather Plums!

SEAN (AS PLEATHER PLUMS)

Ha ha! Woo! I’m gonna get in your pocket!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Whoa ha ha, okay! It’s that kind of a party. Cool.

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

They’re very forward, the Pleather Plums.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They are.

SEAN (AS PLEATHER PLUMS)

Are you ticklish?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(giggles uncontrollably)

Well, I don’t know if I’d call that ticklish, but… uh…

Oh, hey, Sugar. It’s nice to see you.

CARTER (AS SUGAR)

Hello! I’m bad for your teeth but good for happiness!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. And that’s that’s what we’re going for! Right? It’s just happiness. No sadness ever!

CARTER (AS SUGAR)

Look! It’s Red Dye Number 5!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right! Now it’s a party.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Dude, why are you stoppin’ the party? We were just starting to rock out on the fae lines!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know, it just—it was—it was a lot. It felt like a lot and I’ve got this nagging feeling that I forgot to do something.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Whoa, dude.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Right? Right? Isn’t it a lot?

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yeah. Like you forgot to like, eat a fairy cake.

(gasps)

Or do a line of fairy dust!

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

Or brush your teeth?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, that definitely wasn’t it.

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

Oh.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Make your bed?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no. Um…

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

I’ve got nothing.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Or tie your shoe.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(smacks his lips)

Why does everything taste dusty?

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Ohhhh! It’s because you died!

Manic laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, wait, wait, wait…

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Whoa whoa whoa, halt the ride, halt the ride.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, wait.

You all died?

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

No!

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

No, no, no. You. You died.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—no, because I’m here!

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Yeah, and we’re riding the fae lines!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but see, I’m here. So I’m not dead. Because I’m here. I’m—I’m engaged with reality. So clearly, I’m alive still!

CARTER (AS SUGAR)

I’m talking sugar. This is not reality.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

I’m a giant mixing bowl you’re inside of. And we’re hovering in the air over a fae line.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so I see your point. But. I feel like we’re doing a lot of inductive reasoning right now. And if you really want me to get on board this line of yours, you need to get some evidence piled up.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

A line! Get a line of fairy dust going!

Screams and woohoos.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

That’ll make you feel better, Eggsy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I… Okay, so what you’re saying is I am no longer alive. But I’m alive. But I’m not alive.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Well, your body is dead right now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

My body is dead. That’s not a lot of fun, though. I mean, I—it was a little slow, but I kind of liked that body.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Oh, yeah, no. It’s not your time. we’re gonna send you back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s nice of you!

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

We’re gonna do the ride. But you keep stopping the ride.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! Well, if we’re just gonna ride for a bit and then I get to go back, then yeah. Let’s party!

Jubilant screams.

THE TUNNELS

SEAN

We return to Blat in the darkness, and he is dripping with sweat. His face, that you can’t see, contorted in effort. And there is an energy in the room, a buzzing sound you can almost hear—but Morrigu cannot break the bonds holding her.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gritted teeth)

I can’t believe that the one time I want to call Morrigu, nothing happens.

Loxsyn! Break the bond. Loxsyn.

Loxsyn?

SEAN

Nothing happens.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(groans and gasps)

SEAN

Though you do hear a sound coming from down the corridor, as if there’s a conversation happening… just leaking through the gaps in the stones that you have freed in uncovering Eggerton’s body.

CARTER

So Blat, dripping in sweat, tiptoes over and places a pointed ear against the wall.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

(big and slow)

I got a 3 of clubs.

(chuckles)

Beat that.

MIKE (AS SECOND BIG VOICE)

(also big and slow)

I’ve got a full dungeon.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Wha? Goh! Oh, rust it!

MIKE (AS GOH, THE SECOND BIG VOICE)

Well, that’s why you don’t bet your scabbard unless you’re willing to lose it, man.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

You cheating again?

MIKE (AS GOH)

I’m not cheating! You just don’t know the rules. Look, I’ve got a 2, a crown, an anchor and a 3. That’s all full dungeon.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

I’m done with this game.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well gimme your scabbard and go back to your mama.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

(petulant)

Fine. Here’s my scabbard.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Thank you. I’m gonna put it up here on the wall.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

It’s empty anyways.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(gasps)

You cheat!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Heh heh. You didn’t say the sword in it.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, it’s implied. You don’t say, hey, give me all of your coin purses and then be like, but first empty them of coins. No. No, you just give people the coin purse.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

You didn’t ask for my coin purse! You asked for my scabbard!

MIKE (AS GOH)

It’s an analogy, dammit!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Oh, you and your analo-whatevers.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, I’ll say it again. A metaphor is comparing two different things.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

A simile is comparing two different things using “like” or “as”.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

But that’s the same thing! I don’t understand.

MIKE (AS GOH)

(with growing outrage)

One of them is more specific than—you know what? We’re fighting this one out again!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Bring it!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Here we go! Table flip!

A table flips with a crash. They both roar.

MIKE

(begins coughing violently)

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Are you okay?

MIKE (AS GOH)

(spluttering)

I’m good. I’m good.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Okay, let me know when you’re ready to fight.

Goh takes a few breaths to work himself back up, then both of them roar once again.

TEMPLE IDRIS

SEAN

We return to temple Idris, and we see Darcy stepping out of the large doors and staring outward, holding a book. And Lazbo comes stumbling out behind her.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay! I got all the—well, a lot of sandwiches. Do you want to carry a couple of the sandwiches?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ll take some sandwiches, Lazbo, but I don’t know—it’s going to take forever to get to this place without a portal! Are there any hidden portals around here?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Well, I found the horseradish.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How is the horseradish gonna help us?

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Well, I don’t know. But I looked! All I found was horseradish. Oh! And we’re making special mustard, ever since Eggerton showed us how.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(impatient)

That’s great, Lazbo. We’re in a bit of trouble, though? So I need you to focus on a way to get us back to where I was, which was Celene’s icy palace place.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Wait, we’re going to Celene’s?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, yeah! That’s where Eggerton and the Chosen One are.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Oh, I didn’t know that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have to go into the lion’s den, Lazbo.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have to go deep into the heart of darkness.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay, I’m gonna go get a weapon.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s a good idea! Get a few weapons! Get lots of weapons.

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

I’ll be right back!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, great.

(sighs)

SEAN

And your amulet starts to light up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sarcastic)

This is great. Great, Loxsyn, this is really helpful. You keep lighting me up, but you don’t actually give me any light to see what I need to do. This book is doing nothing! I can’t get back to Blat! I can’t get back to Eggerton!

(miserable)

I don’t know what to do, and you just gave me one Slaad who enjoys making sandwiches and putting horseradish in them. I… I’m about ready to give up.

SEAN

You hear a whisper, as if on the wind, Darcy. And at first you think it says “Cheesecake”. But as it repeats a few times, you catch it saying “Ego plebium”.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What…

(gasps)

That’s it. That’s the phrase! Oh thank Loxsyn! Thank you thank you thank you!

Ego plebium!

SEAN (AS LAZBO)

Okay, I got the weap…

Darcy?

Oh, maybe she went inside.

(shouts)

Darcy? Are you inside?

THE FAE LINES

The cartoonish kitchen music starts up again, faster than ever.

SEAN

We return to the party!

A cheer goes up among the kitchen items.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look! A shooting star that’s a rainbow too!

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

It’s a double rainbow!

More cheering.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Now, Eggy, we’re coming to the end of the journey.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aww.

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

Aww.

The music gradually slows to a crawl.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, wait—

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

You’re gonna have to get off, or otherwise… you’re never gonna get off the ride, Eggy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aww. Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. I have to get off the ride of life? Or I have to get off this ride and go back to life because that was a little unclear.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Exactly, dude.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, that checks out. That tracks.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Remember, you can travel the fae line any time, as I’ve told you over and over!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I can travel the fae line! I’m glad that you told me that without any context. Thank you.

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

Here we go! We’re approaching the end light!

The music starts to accelerate again.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right! Everyone hold on!

MARISA (AS STRAWBERRY)

Bye, Eggerton!

SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)

No, Eggy, you have to jump off!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! Everyone let go, I’m jumping!

Screams.

THE TUNNELS

SEAN

We return to the darkness, where Blat has his ear pressed up against a crack in the stones. And a bit of light is leaking through, allowing him to see for the first time. And he’s catching what looks like movement in a room on the far—just on the other side of this caved-in mess.

Distant muttering and shouting.

CARTER

And Blat puts his lips up against the hole, and slowly and carefully says,

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There appears to be a scabbard back here.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Hey! Wait—stop it for a second.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, I—

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

I heard something. Let go of my head!

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, you let go of my toe first.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

We’re going to let go together, okay?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, on three.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

One… two—

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Wait, I already did it.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, well, now I win. Ha ha ha! I win!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Hey, come on!

MIKE (AS GOH)

I win!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

No, I swear I heard—didn’t you hear that? Quiet.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, I heard you cry like a big baby…

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Shut up. Shut up. Quiet. Listen.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, two scabbards. There are two scabbards back here.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Nope, didn’t hear anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

No, I swear I heard something. I swear I heard—

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay, okay, okay. Quiet.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Okay, quiet, quiet.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Definitely three scabbards.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

No, you’re right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, it’s nothing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s the wind. Just the wind. Okay, all right, well, let go now, you won.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right, I win.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Fine. Here’s my scabbard..

MIKE (AS GOH)

Thanks.

(mutters)

Stupid scabbard without a sword.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

I’m not playing cards with you anymore.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I don’t wanna play cards with you anyway.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

I’m gonna go over here by this wall and just sulk.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right, I’m gonna—I’m gonna go in this corner and twiddle my thumbs and look down and not pay attention to anything really that’s outside of my direct field of vision.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Hey, there didn’t used to be a wall here, did there? That’s weird.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, you know, they’re always redecorating.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Yeah, that’s true. Celene.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, they ever since they started you know, playing that magic “does it bring you joy” thing, people just keep adding things and throwing stuff down here. It’s really rude.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

You said that like a Red.

MIKE (AS GOH)

A… what? What?

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

What? We did the personality—you’re a Red, I’m a Green.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, right, right, right! Thought you were talking about my mother.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Why would I be talking about—

MIKE (AS GOH)

That’s just a—are you calling my mother red?!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Ha ha, I might be now.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, that’s it! This is happening!

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Oh yeah? Come on!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Table flip!

The table flips again. They roar.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

There’s no table left. Ha ha ha.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I flipped it anyway.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Okay.

I’m gonna go back over by this corner.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh yeah, twiddle thumbs.

MARISA

(laughs)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whispers)

Blat! What are you doing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat! What are we listening to?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggsy?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, what are we doing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought you were dead!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Nope, not dead.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A very large amount of rocks fell on you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Don’t remember that!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do you know what I was about to do?! I was trying to call Morrigu so Morrigu could possess your body so that you could stay alive!

I was going to sacrifice you to Morrigu so that you wouldn’t die! But now you just woke up!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—thank you? I think?

I mean, it’s sweet of you…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now we’re at the end of the tunnel. I hear two morons on the other side of this, who apparently are distracted at the moment after fighting for absolutely no reason.

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Did you hear that?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Hear what?

SEAN (AS FIRST BIG VOICE)

No, it was nothing.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, do you want to see a cool new trick I learned? I was on a roller coaster. Watch this! Ready? Ready?

(grunts with effort)

Hrnggh—!

A popping sound.

SEAN

And Eggsy disappears.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What the hell is…?!

(mutters)

Should have sacrificed him to Morrigu, is what I should have done.

(mocking)

Ooo, Loxsyn has to come in—Loxsyn doesn’t allow me to talk to Morrigu anymore. Now I could have gotten rid of this stupid voice, to have Eggerton try the voice for a while. But now he apparently can come back from the dead and has special disappearing powers! And—

Wait a second. Don’t I have special disappearing powers?

THE FORGOTTEN PLANES

Pounding, trashy metal guitar and drums.

SEAN

Darcy is tumbling head over heels, down, down through layers and layers of rock and earth and molten lava.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Aaaaa!

SEAN

And suddenly pops into the Forgotten Planes. The world here is grey and red, with pockets of magma bubbling up and little bits of rocky ground interspersed in the magma.

And striding forward is a ten-foot tall, entirely blood-red demon with an eight-foot axe materializing in his hand.

SEAN (AS REGINALD THE DEMON)

(roars with laughter)

Ha ha! This is gonna be fun!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Aaaaaaaa!

MIDROLL

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

It’s… the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey, everyone, Sean here. We’re back. And wow, does it feel good to finally be back. Thank you all so much for your patience. And it’s time for some midroll shout outs!

But first, I want to give a shout out to the Reckless Play Guild on Facebook where you can join a bunch of us that have all come together in an amazing Facebook group that is just so much fun. So we’ve got ourselves in there, Dumbgeons and Dragons, Dark Dice and The Lucky Die all in there. And it’s truly amazing—interviews happening, all kinds of fun stuff.

And speaking of Dumbgeons and Dragons… you may want to listen to Episode 83, because it is the grand finale of, I believe it’s been five years they’ve been playing this one arc—three years on mic… and a certain individual got to play Tiamat! That’s all I’m gonna say! It rhymes with me!

Yeah, it wasn’t very subtle, was it? It was super fun. I highly recommend it. But don’t start there. You gotta listen, you gotta catch up—83 episodes. Super fun. I really love that show.

Let’s do some shout outs. Let’s start with our old timers, the people who have been with us for so long and never gotten a shout out and I’m slowly working through the backlog. So first on the list is Ben Gidalevich. So sorry if I pronounce any of these wrong—I’m trying so hard. Joe Wreschnig, Britta Olofsson and Josh Clavir. Big hearts to all four of you and everyone else who is listening. You are all so special to us.

And because we’ve been off the air for a while we have a long list of new patrons to read, which is so cool! The first one is a handle, aspoonie500—then we have Bart Schuurmans, then Travis Love, Nikki Bennett, Victoria Snyder, Gwen May, Katie, Toby Zitsman, Tara Brannen. Amanda Miller, Ellen Ros—I assume that’s not Ross from the show I know—And Aaron Boyd. Thank you all so much. We really appreciate your love and all your support. And without any further ado, let’s get back to it.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: INTRODUCING…

SEAN

Oh, hey. Hey, Marisa? Oh, Carter, you’re here too. Cool. Hey, I need to introduce you to our new cast member. You know since Eggerton’s dead. Um, so this is Samantha.

MARISA

Oh, okay.

CARTER

Samantha?

MARISA

Hi, Samantha.

MIKE

(in an absurd falsetto)

Hello. How are you?

CARTER

Uh, good… I thought we came up with an idea to explain why Eggerton isn’t dead. Because he had like, 8 hit points.

SEAN

Yeah.

CARTER

Before the roof caved in.

SEAN

Yeah.

CARTER

So he’s not really dead. I think maybe he was like, knocked unconscious or something.

SEAN

Yeah. Well, you know, it leaked that he had 8 hit points and the fan base sort of was like… basically revolted. And basically we’re losing viewers, so the producers made a call, said he’s out and we’re… now we have Samantha.

MIKE

Hello! I’m Samantha.

MARISA

You look really familiar, Samantha.

MIKE

I get that all the time. It’s because I have kind eyes.

MARISA

And you wear flannel too.

MIKE

I—sometimes, sometimes. I find it’s very warm on cool days.

MARISA

So what character are you going to play, Samantha?

MIKE

Oh, I’m gonna play Smeggerton.

MARISA

(skeptical)

Uh-huh.

MIKE

Yeah.

MARISA

What kind of character is Smeggerton?

MIKE

Smeggerton is a very aggressive, mean spirited fae.

MARISA

Hmmmm.

MIKE

Who always saves the day.

MARISA

Mm hmm.

CARTER

It’s Mike.

SEAN

(whispers)

Aw, goddammit, Carter!

MIKE

I don’t know what you’re talking about! How dare you!

SEAN

Michael, they know it’s you.

MIKE

I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m Samantha! I’m new!

MARISA

But if you go to patreon.com and check out our Patreon page, maybe we could make Mike talk like that for a whole episode.

MIKE

I bet it’s patreon.com/albasalix.

MARISA

Thank you.

MIKE

Or if you go to otherbothers.com you can find—see, I’m already fitting in!

MARISA

Samantha, you really helped out there. Thank you.

SEAN

You’re welcome,

Music sting.

PARADOX

Forest birds twitter in the distance.

SEAN

We return to a clearing with large and cracked fae stone in the centre of it. And with a popping sound, Eggerton appears, standing on top of the fae stone just outside of Paradox.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So cool!

I was there! And then I went, hnngh! And that sound happened. And then I was here!

SEAN

A bunny rabbit screams and runs off into the forest.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay, bunny! I’m a natural part of the ecosystem like you! Don’t be afraid!

Oh, well. Okay, so where am I? I need to get my bearings. Uh… wait, wait, wait. Are there any female eagles?

Yup, there’s one! Okay. I’m near Paradox. I know where I am.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Hi Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

Cyrus!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I didn’t expect to see you here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Give me a hug, buddy!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

No, that’s okay—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aw, there it is! Bring it in!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

That’s—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You’re not gonna believe the day I’ve been having.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Are we done hugging now?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah. Okay, there you go. Good job. Um. So here’s the thing. Um. How’s the Nexus holding up?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

You pretty much destroyed it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

When you say “you” do you mean “you” me? Or do you mean “you” Darcy and I was there?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I’m not sure the distinction matters.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it matters. Trust me, it’s going to come up later. Okay, okay. It’s fine. It’s fine. So. Is there anyone left in Paradox? Because there’s a bit of a problem with Celene and Loxsyn and this other goddess whose name I’m not allowed to say.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Uh, yeah most of Paradox is still there, I’m sad to say.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why are you sad about that?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I appear to still have my job.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And that makes you sad?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

It does.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know what? I think every day you should find three things to be joyful about, Cyrus.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

You know what would make me joyful?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What would make you joyful?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

If you could get my book back from Darcy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s not happening.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s gone. That’s so long gone.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I should have known.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m pretty she made some pirate hats out of some of the pages. Then she might have used some to line like a birdcage or something…

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

(sighs)

Can I help you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes! Three things, right now, Cyrus, that you’re joyful about. Let’s hear ’em.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Okay. Um. Somebody appeared on the fae stone.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

One!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

The fae stone is still here and not destroyed.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Two!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I wasn’t killed in the pandemonium.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Three! That’s amazing. Okay, let’s—

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I’m not sure if the last one makes me feel good, though.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s sad. But you know, it’s okay to be sad sometimes!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Really?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. All feelings are good feelings!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

That actually makes me feel a little better.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m glad. Now Cyrus, let’s go check out Paradox. Might need to raise an army. Um. War of three goddesses happening. Don’t know what happened to Darcy. Jacqueline still missing. Jill still missing. Haven’t heard from Ananka. Haven’t heard from Lady Speckley. Haven’t heard from Moira. Blat’s been taken over by a few different people and talks funny now. I think it’s bothering his throat.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Yeah. I actually have a—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do we have any lozenges, by the way? I bet he would love a lozenge. Let’s pick up some lozenges at the store.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I forgot how joyous you are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Then we’re going to go and find out what’s going on. Then we’re going to raise an army of good…

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I’ll just be over here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Then we’re going to go forward into the future and fight for what is right and pure and lovely and happy and—where’d you go?

Oh, there you are! Okay, let’s go into town!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Actually, Eggerton, I have a message for you from Moira.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? Why didn’t you say so?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

(sighs)

She says, don’t ever show your face in Paradox again. Or she will kill you.

Silence.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

She’s probably just joking around. Let’s go into town!

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Okay, I’ll take you to town. But the school’s not there anymore.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Like it… when you say it’s not there, do you mean like, it’s crumbled or like, it’s gone?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

It’s gone.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, wow. That must have been quite the effort to move it.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I believe it was.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Huh.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I believe there were a few expletives in the message I was supposed to tell you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I bet there were. She’s very passionate person.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

She is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Want a fairy cake?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

No, but thank you. If you want, I can take you into Paradox but there’s not much there right now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, we definitely need to pick up some sparkles. So let’s go into town, get a couple of supplies. Then you can come back with me and we’ll go save the day.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

All right, come this way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right.

THE FORGOTTEN PLANES

A low rumble of flames.

SEAN

We return to bubbling magma and smoke stinging the eyes of Darcy, who’s blinking rapidly as a ten-foot demon charges forward towards her with a roar.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Raaaargh!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait! Stop! Stop! Why are you running at me?!

SEAN

And the axe cleaves Darcy in two—

and Darcy rematerializes in a world of smoke and ash and bubbling magma. Standing whole again.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wha…?!

SEAN

As a ten-foot demon spins, laughs—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Ha ha ha! That was too easy. Call your weapon!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is happening?! I don’t understand what’s going on!

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Wait.

What are you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m—I’m a human?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

What are you doing here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know! I—I… there was a book and it was Blat’s book and I said “ego plebium” and I was suddenly here. I don’t even know where I am.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Did you say Blat?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat? Do you know Blat?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Of course. Blat and I go, well, pretty far back. We’ve been training together. He’s been improving pretty remarkably.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! You’re—you’re his trainer person!

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry for cleaving you in two. I just don’t see too many people. Got a little excited, thought I had a new student.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, I guess it happens sometimes.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah. Oh. Please, come over. Would you like some tea?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

Yes. I would.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Here, I’ll just set the table.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you so much.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Have a seat. I’ll just lean my axe over.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, that’s—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

What do you like in your team?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… really nothing. But is it peppermint tea? I like peppermint tea, or chamomile?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I have chamomile.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ohh, chamomile is great. Yeah.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Here we go.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, thank you. This is… oh, I can tell you how good this feels. I haven’t felt this calm in a long time now. But just knowing that, you know, Blat, and you’re a big ten-foot demon. That makes me feel so good, because I bet you could just come and save us all and it’ll be fine.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Uh, I can’t leave the book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Well, unless you wanted to trade places with me and live forever in the book as a teacher but I… since you’re not a demon, I don’t know how you could do that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Would I have to cleave people in half?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh, yes. Ha ha, it’s really the best part of the job.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I don’t really do that too often.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh. Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So you can’t leave here.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

It’s a bit one-note, I get it. But it is fun. Um, no, no, I’m just a teacher. It’s just the book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So can you help me? You see Blat and Eggerton—do you know Eggerton?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh, yes. Blat’s talked about him quite a bit. Okay. Yeah.

Oh wait, you’re that Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m the Darcy, yeah! Yeah.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh! Oh.

(clears his throat)

I mean, yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(suddenly awkward)

Oh, well. Yeah, no, I… we don’t talk about—it’s fine.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

No, it’s all—I didn’t mean to bring anything up—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, no, it’s just—we don’t bring—anyway! Oh, chamomile tea.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah! Look, have a cookie.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Good. Oh, thanks—that’s so good. But—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

They’re a little charred. It’s just the temperature.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, ha ha, thanks. I’ll take anything right now.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

We don’t really cook them. I just put the dough out. And it cooks on the plate.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, it’s very hot here.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So the problem is that Eggerton and Blat are in a lot of trouble. See, they’re going up against a goddess, and I was supposed to help them. But then we got separated, we always get separated for some reason. And then I came back to the tree to try and find the Slaad and Mother Speckley, but they’re not there, and that’s when the book came. And that’s why I’m here… but I don’t know what to do now.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah. That was a lot really fast.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sorry.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah. I don’t think—you should tell Blat he’s not ready to take on a goddess, when you see him, but

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But he’s taking on the goddess now.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah, no, he shouldn’t do that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. That’s what we thought—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I mean, it’s a goddess.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But he’s very bullheaded. And it doesn’t help but he’s been possessed by a different goddess—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

He gets that from me a little.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who’s very angry and makes him angry.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Oh yeah, I can understand that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So you see, he’s not the Blat you knew, I don’t think. He’s been possessed.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Well, I don’t think you should make those judgments. I mean, just because, you know, we like some art on the side and like to get angry doesn’t mean that that defines us, right?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right. Okay, um, I’m just saying that… Do you know who could help me? Or, or…

Wait. I guess if you’re a teacher, you would know about the Academy of the Fallen?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Well, yes, I work for the Academy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, so it must be fine! If you’re a teacher and you’re teaching… I bet it’s fine! And everyone’s fine and I didn’t do anything wrong—

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Why wouldn’t the Academy be fine?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, when I left it, there was a lot of destruction going on…

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And… death.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How would you not know about this?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I’m in a book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How do you get your paycheques?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I don’t. I live in this book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, don’t they send things to the book?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Well, yeah. They haven’t sent anything in a while…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think this is a really one-sided job you’ve got going on here.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah. It’s got its perks. I mean…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You should renegotiate.

Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is, you don’t know? You haven’t heard from them?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Okay, start from the beginning.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Just start slow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Here, I’ll pour some more tea.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

So let’s start with the whole goddess thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

About Blat?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. So Blat’s been possessed by a goddess called—I think I can say it here…

(whispers)

Morrigu.

THE TUNNELS

SEAN

We return to the partial darkness, where Blat is slowly moving stones out of the fallen wall, and exposing more and more light of the chamber on the other side, where a couple unusual, icy-looking creatures are relaxing, and each reading a magazine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, whatever these guys are, they don’t hear very well. I’ll just see if I can take them out one at a time.

CARTER

And Blat steps out from the small hole that he’s created, out into the hall, and walks towards the first magazine-reading guard.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Hey, Goh. Did you see the article on the the Ice Capades?

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Yeah! It looks like it’s gonna be awesome this year. They got Brian Boitano.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh, wait. Did you hear that?

MIKE

(laughs)

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Brian Cattano? Really?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, Brian Cattano.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh my God!

SEAN

Okay, so Blat, as you’re approaching, they are utterly oblivious to you. They are coated in ice, almost look zombie-like, and each of them is reading a magazine with their back to you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, let’s try a different approach.

CARTER

And Blat taps on the shoulder of the one closest to him.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Huh? Just a minute I’m—sorry, wait. Goh?

MIKE (AS GOH)

What?

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Are you behind me?

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, I’m taking this relationship quiz. Did you know that you’re like a scorpion?

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Really?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah. I think like, we need to bring this up in circle.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Okay, but someone—if you’re there…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

And you didn’t tap me…

MIKE (AS GOH)

No.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh, God. Is Celene standing right behind me?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Let me look. No, not Celene.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh. Whew.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, that would be scary.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Ha ha, man.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Ha ha!

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Whooo!

MIKE (AS GOH)

We would have been in trouble!

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh, my God, reading a magazine!

MIKE (AS GOH)

If Celine came in, I’m doing—you know what? You know what? I actually circled a recipe that I thought she might like, but I was like, no, I’ll never give that to her.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

No, don’t.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, she doesn’t accept that kind of stuff.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

No, not from us.

MIKE (AS GOH)

It’s very rude.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sorry, I got a little turned around back in the hallway.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Could you tell me how to get to Celene?

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh! Uh…

SEAN

One of the guards gets up, throwing down the magazine.

SEAN (AS FIRST ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh.

(clears throat)

I am Rothkar… and thou shalt not trespass here!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just need to see Celene real quick.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Okay, just keep going down the path.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, yeah. You know what, she likes to go up two storeys.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Up two.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah. And then to the right, like not the first—

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

(whispers)

No, we’re not supposed to tell anyone where she is. We’re supposed to, like…

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, we’re just supposed to direct. You know what, this is what happens when you don’t have representation at the management level.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I know. I keep saying we should have a union.

MIKE (AS GOH)

We should. Okay. You know what? When I finish—

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

The circle’s not working.

MIKE (AS GOH)

No, the circle’s not working. That’s some silly idea from the woods. When I’m done the Sudoku puzzle, we’re going to sit down, we’re going to write up a charter and we’re going to present it—you’re going to present it to Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

All right, but who’s going to be foreman?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, well…

(considers for a long while)

You know what?!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah?

MIKE (AS GOH)

I’m foreman!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah? No, I’m—!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Table flip!

Roaring and struggling.

SEAN

So Blat, the two ice zombies start to fight and wrestle off to the side, leaving the passage clear forward.

CARTER

Blat takes a few steps down the hall, turns around, looks at the two of them still fighting and thinks,

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What the hell. I need some help. I’m going to try something.

CARTER

And walks to the two of them rolling around on the ground, punching each other.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

I got your toe!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Aw, no, not my toe. Awww, darn it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, uh… scary news.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh? Yeah?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Uh?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I heard that Celene isn’t the real Celene but, um, an evil clone.

MIKE (AS GOH)

What?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So. Who wants to help me kill it?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah! Oh my God. Celene will be so angry someone’s cloning her!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, we’re going to get—this is how we get the leverage for the union!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh my god. I’m bringing back her head.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, that’s a good—okay, I’m gonna bring back both her big toes.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh ho ho! Look at us, we’re working together, ’cause we’re a union!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

All right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Let’s do this.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

All right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Put down the empty scabbard and pick up the sword.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, that’s a good point.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah. Let’s get the swords.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Thanks Goh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right. Let’s go.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Rothkar’s got the sword. Oh wait, what’s your name?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. My name’s Blathoxil.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Nice to meet you. Blathoxil.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Blathoxil.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Blathoxil.

They carry on trying out the name.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You guys can just call me Blat.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Blat.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, that’s great. That’s actually helpful.

MIKE (AS GOH)

I like that. Blat. Blat Blat Blat.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay. Which way?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, I thought you guys—

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, yeah! We know! Ha ha ha.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh yeah. I’ll go first because I’m the leader.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Hey.

MIKE (AS GOH)

What?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Let’s go together.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh! Good idea. Arm in arm.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Brothers in arm.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

All right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay. Okay, wait, no, there’s a doorway. Okay, let’s turn sideways, and I’ll go through first.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Hey.

MIKE (AS GOH)

What?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

All right, but I’m going through first, the next one.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, that works, that works. We’ll take turns. Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is gonna be one hell of a union meeting.

PARADOX

SEAN

We return later in the day to the half grown-over road leading back to the fae stone, as they enter the clearing, Cyrus in the lead, and Eggerton tottering behind with a giant bag full of glitter and cakes and food from town.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, they weren’t quite as friendly as I expected, that I’ll say that much.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Your poster is all over town, as I said.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. And my disguise of putting my finger below my nose as a moustache was not effective.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Though it was fun to watch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was. And at the end of the day, if an entire community hates you, you might as well have fun.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Yeah, well, here you are, back to the fae stone.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, look, Cyrus, I’m glad that you came on an adventure with me, that you got to see why it matters to have different types of sprinkles and sparkles and glitters.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

And why it matters to not have an entire town hate you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Mm hmm. It was very informative.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, it worked out nicely as a lesson plan.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I’ll take these feathers. I don’t think the tar is coming off.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, I’m going to need to get in the lake. But thanks! I mean, I think you could probably take some of the feathers and put them behind your ears.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I’ll consider it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. Well, look, you remember that sometimes it’s okay to be sad. And that it’s okay to take a break. And to find happiness in the little things.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Mm hmm. I’ll ponder that, Eggsy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. And if you see any weird little Irish birds, say hi for me.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

I will do so.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. Now I’m going to just—you know, I don’t really know what the best way to get back onto the fae stone is, to get on the fae lines but—okay.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Here, I’ll help. Give me your—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know, just pick—can you just grab me?

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Look, just put your—what are you doing? Ugh—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, and then—

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

What are you doing? You don’t need to get—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, there we go! All right! Now I’m going to stand on your shoulders—

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

Agh! My nose. My nose.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, now I’m going to jump off of you like a diving board, right into an elegant dive.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

What? Maybe I should brace… I’m really not ready for this.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ready? On three! One—two—three—hup!

MIKE

And Eggerton does a belly flop onto the fae stone, and with a pop, disappears.

SEAN (AS CYRUS)

But you forgot all the… food.

THE FORGOTTEN PLANES

SEAN

We return to the Forgotten Planes—magma and smoke—and come down to a tiny bit of earth floating in magma, with a tea set on it, as Darcy finishes telling her story.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And then that’s how I finally got here, and you cleaved me in two and then you offered me tea. And that’s how we got here.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I see now. Hmm. So the Goddess is inside of him, bonded with him.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. I think so.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Interesting. He hasn’t visited me in some time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s probably why.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

There’s a chance if he visited me, Morrigu may not be able to follow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh!

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Because we’re able to say the word here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s true. And nothing happened!

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, so do you think if I can get the book to Blat… maybe he could come to you and that would fix everything?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Well, the second he leaves, he’d be rebonded, but he could stay here with me for a while. You know, we could talk through old plays or, you know, maybe he could bring a book.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I don’t think he’d want to stay here forever.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

No, I understand that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But maybe while he’s here with you, we could figure out a way to get rid of… Morrigu. Sorry, that name just makes me really nervous.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I understand. Yeah. I can send you back. But where did you come from?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, uh, Temple Idris. Do you know that? With the tree?

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I know of Temple Idris. Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So that’s where I was. But I don’t want to get back there. I need to get back to where I was with Blat and Eggerton, which was Celene’s ice palace. And I don’t know if you know where that is.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Is the book there?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, right, the book is at Temple Idris.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

So that’s where I can send you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So I have to get back there. But then how do I get from there to Blat? Because they don’t have their shiny baubles, and there’s no teleportation there.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I don’t know, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sorry, I expect you to have all the answers just because I really need someone to have all the answers.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

I can give you some cookies to go.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I’ll take some for Lazbo.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Okay. Here. The ones you like.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thank you very much. It was really nice to see you. You are a comforting presence in an otherwise… turmoil world.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

(touched)

Really? That means so much to me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well, it was really nice to meet you.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Please, come again anytime. I’ll try to watch and not cleave you in two.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, that would be great. Because I feel like you come on with a really strong greeting that isn’t always positive to visitors.

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

Yeah, ha ha, well, it’s sort of my thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, got it. Sometimes we have to stick with our thing. Anyway, I better get back because I have no idea what’s going on. And thank you for everything!

SEAN (AS REGINALD)

You’re welcome. Darcy Good luck and… yeah, good luck.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How do I leave?

SEAN

And he snaps his fingers.

THE TUNNELS

SEAN

We are walking down an icy tunnel—ice on all sides, a little slick to walk on—that is slowly widening. And ahead of Blat walk two ice zombies, arm in arm. And ahead of all of them is a reinforced rock and steel door set in the dead end that they now approach.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Okay, so I guess the fake Celene is on the other side of this. Oh, but how are we going to know if it’s the fake Celene or the real Celene?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, I bet we should ask her a riddle.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, that’s good. That’s good, Goh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Right.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, that’s good. Okay, do you know a riddle?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Uhhhh…

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh, let’s ask Blat.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Blat? Blat?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, actually, the riddle would be… we shouldn’t be able to kill Celene. So if we’re able to kill Celene, that’s the fake Celene.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

And she’s a witch!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yes. It all checks out.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Right. Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

So if we can kill her… that’s the fake.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s right.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, you know what I just remembered? Last month they had a feature on how to kill a witch in the magazine. We shoulda brought it with us!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Aw, come on. Really?

MIKE (AS GOH)

We’re so afraid of real Celene that we left our magazines behind even though the magazines have the way we’re going to defeat the fake Celene and earned the real Celene’s trust. Anyway, how we going to get through this door?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So neither of you know how to get through this door.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Oh no, Star does.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Star does.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR)

Yeah, Star.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Who is Star? Where is Star?

SEAN (AS STAR)

(high-pitched voice)

I’m Star!

MIKE (AS GOH)

And the sound of the voice is coming from very high up, and it’s a very tinny, tiny voice. And looking up, you see floating in the air, a four-inch tall, what you might call a pixie, with shimmering pink wings and emerald eyes and green skin.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Star? I was wondering if you could open this door for us.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ha ha, sure! Not a problem! Once you’re dead.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… see. So you don’t want to be part of the union.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Wait, there’s a union?

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh yeah, the union! Okay, so here’s the deal. We’re gonna get together—

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh, you’re organizing without me? I’m just at the end of the hall!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, well, we were coming to see you right now! Because we couldn’t do this without you, obviously. So what’s going to happen is we’re going to kill a fake Celene. We’re going to leverage—

SEAN (AS STAR)

What?!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, there’s a fake Celene. We’re going to kill the fake Celene—

SEAN (AS STAR)

Goh, you’re an idiot.

MIKE (AS GOH)

What are you talking about? This nice demon man told us that there is a fake Celene. We’re gonna kill the fake Celene, earn the real Celene’s trust and use that to leverage unionization, because management without representation is mismanagement.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Goh, you’re an idiot.

What’s your name, sir?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am Blathoxil.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Blathoxil… wait, let me check.

SEAN

And she pulls out out of nowhere this giant stream of paper.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Blathoxil. Blathoxil. There’s so many people on the kill list! Blathoxil, Blathoxil… nope.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, did you look under “Blat”? He goes by Blat too.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Oh, wait. Blat… Blat… No. Oh, wait, here you are!

No, you can go through.

Well, that’s no fun.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right, let’s go. I think we can all fit through this door three abreast, too. It’s pretty big.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Goh, are you really that much of an idiot?

MIKE (AS GOH)

What are you talking about?

SEAN (AS STAR)

Fine. Yeah. Go kill the fake Celene.

MIKE (AS GOH)

All right. Why don’t you come with us?

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ha ha, yeah, no, I’ll just I’ll stay here. Have fun, guys.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Okay.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Good luck!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Let’s go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We should try, though, to gather as many people as possible to get in on this union idea.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah, yeah, let’s put out a general notice. We’ll put it up on the walls. We can have an AGM next week. We’ll have some tea there—iced tea, obviously. And we’ll get together we’ll talk about it, we’ll write the charter, we’ll get some points down on paper. And then you can go present it to Celene.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But the first meeting should be killing the fake Celene.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Hmmm. Good point. Good point. So who else is in the castle that we can we can bring in on this?

SEAN (AS STAR)

Really, Goh. Why don’t I just open the door for you, Goh? Here, I’ll just open this—

SEAN

And she flies down and starts pulling open this giant door, as if it was effortless.

A massive creaking sound.

MIKE (AS GOH)

They’re very strong.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So I see.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Yeah, so um, good luck with your recruitment! Fake Celene is in there, maybe she’ll join your union.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Well, no, see, we’re going to kill fake Celene—

SEAN (AS STAR)

Uh huh.

MIKE (AS GOH)

To gain the trust of older Celene—or real Celene.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Right. Yeah.

MIKE (AS GOH)

And then real Celene is going to trust us. We can use that to leverage unionization because management without representation is mismanagement.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(over Goh)

What was your name? Blathox…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Blathoxil. I’m the uh… union representative.

SEAN (AS STAR)

You’re good. You’re really good. Been nice knowing you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Last chance. I think if you came with us, there’s probably a raise, and dental in your future.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ha ha.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Oh, dental?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Dental.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Really.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Full dental.

MIKE (AS GOH)

‘Cause I was crunching on an ice cube the other day and I feel like I—here, look, I feel like I cracked this back molar—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that’s pretty bad.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Yeah. And you know what, they don’t give ice zombies dental normally—

SEAN (AS STAR)

I’m just ushering you through, here we go, ha ha, right into the big chamber, and I’ll just close this door behind you. Good luck at your first meeting!

MIKE (AS GOH)

Bye!

The huge door slams.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, you can’t win ’em all.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard, and players Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.

Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer.

Game consultant: Stephen Smith.

Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger and Ryan Cushman.

If you like what you hear, check out our Patreon. Supporters get weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at otherbothers.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN

We return to Temple Idris, high up, coming down to see a figure running towards the giant tree, a Slaad leading her towards the tree.

I’m gonna do that again.

Quiet laughter.

MIKE

(whispering)

Who’s “her”?

SEAN

Yeah.

MARISA

(whispering)

Me.

MIKE

(whispering)

But he didn’t say that.

SEAN

I know.

MARISA

(whispering)

I’ll make that apparent when my voice comes in.

Laughter.

MIKE

(whispering)

Okay. Good note.

MARISA

(whispering)

That’s why we support and listen to each other.

MIKE

(whispering)

What?

Laughter.

CARTER

(loudly)

Have we started recording yet?

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

A Fable and Folly production.