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25: Making and Breaking

Darcy sneaks through Celene’s castle to reach Blat, but Eggerton gets caught in traffic.

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: Drug use, bereavement, gunshots and police violence – and need we mention panic and screaming?

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

The popping sound of Peri the fairy appearing.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, it’s you!

You’re not even a real fae.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know why we’re so acrimonious all the time.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No reason! I‑I don’t find you attractive at all!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We should probably go and have tea some time!

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You! You, red one. What are you doing with my boys?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(in his low, gruff Blathoxil voice)

The employer of your boys might actually be an evil clone.

A blast of energy and screaming as Celene disintegrates Mumsy’s boys.

MIKE (AS GOH)

Aaa! It burns! Aaaa!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It was worth a shot.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Hello! I am merely a humble portal salesman.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry, what did you say?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I’m wearing gloves for shoes! I have seen better days

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why can’t you use your own portal to run to a market square where you could get as much food as you want?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Buffet restaurant! Buffet restaurant! Buffet restaurant! Run!

He runs into the portal and disappears with a roar and a pop.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, Celene. Here I come. Arrrrgh!

She runs into the portal too and disappears.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Blat. Why don’t we pause before I kill you, and you give me the goddess that I want and just allow me to place it in this crystal?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

(roars)

Don’t do it!

Blat!

EGGERTON

The sound of busy car traffic.

SEAN

Eggerton is walking down a street, pushing his way through passerbys. And it’s very busy and crowded and everyone’s trying to get somewhere. Large vehicles spewing exhaust honk and try to make their way through. Shops selling every variety of strange good line the streets on both sides as Eggerton is trying to force his way through the crowd.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hello! Hi! It’s nice to meet—okay, hi. Hello? Hoooonk to you too! It’s nice to see you! Uh, excuse me? Uh, no, okay, that’s all right. Uh, sir? Sir? Nope. Okay. Wow, they’re so tall! Um, okay.

(shouts)

Has anyone seen a fae stone? Hello?

SEAN (AS A SMALL CHILD)

Mommy, what’s that?

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Uh, I don’t know.

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

He’s a funny looking—oh, I shouldn’t say that.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Yes. Don’t say that.

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

I’m sorry.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

We don’t talk about people like that.

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

I know. I know, I’m sorry. He’s very short.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Yes. Uh—hello, little person!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! Hello. Well, average but hi. Hello. How are you?

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Hello, average little person. Are you in trouble? Are you lost?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a little lost. See, I came here on a date. And now I’m trying to get back to the fae stone so I can go prevent the end of time as well as the end of all existence. But I’m having a bit of trouble getting around here. There’s no eagle showing me the way. I tried talking to a squirrel but he just hissed at me—

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Oh, oh, yes—

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

Mommy. Mommy.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

One moment, please. Yes, Timothy?

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

(whispers)

He’s got bare feet.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Oh, yes, that’s very true. But he also seems to have something wrong with his brain. So we just want to step back a little.

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! What? Where are you going?

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

Bye, strange man!

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

No, we’re not going anywhere. But you might want to try the park for that large stone you talking about.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The park? Which way’s the park?

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

It’s that way. Okay! We’ll see you! Nice to meet you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay, thank you! Hugs? No? Okay, no hugs.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

No, no, no.

(whispers)

Run away, Timothy. Run away.

SEAN (AS SMALL CHILD)

Yes, Mommy. Okay.

MARISA (AS MOTHER)

Run away. Quicker.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, they were nice.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie and Marisa King.

Episode 25: Making and Breaking.

DARCY

SEAN

We return to the ice castle. A dark hallway leads on for far too long. Darcy pauses to catch her breath to try and gauge where she is in a hallway that is three to four times the length of what it could actually be to fit inside this castle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(panting)

I hope I got rid of that weird shadow person.

Ugh. How am I going to find where everyone is? They were… they were underground… and I have no idea which direction that is from here. I know, maybe if I find a window I Ican just get my bearings.

MARISA

So is there a window in this corridor?

SEAN

You do see a window up ahead.

MARISA

Okay, so I run up to the window and I look out. And do I see anything significant in terms of landmark or…?

SEAN

You see Peri.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(high, cheerful voice)

Hi!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… hello.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, hi. I was just looking for Eggerton. Ha ha.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! Eggerton? How do you know Eggerton?

SEAN (AS PERI)

No reason?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I mean, it’s fine. I think it’s great that you know Eggerton. I—

SEAN (AS PERI)

Really? You approve?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! Very much so.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughing with relief)

Oh, he’s so cute! His little cheeks!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Very cute little cheeks. Um… Have you seen Eggerton recently?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You have!

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughing)

Yes I did!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Where, may I ask?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(evasive again)

Nowhere. Nowhere. We weren’t—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no, I’m sure whatever you were doing was wonderful and exciting!

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughing)

It was a little exciting.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Where would that have been?

SEAN (AS PERI)

At the place with the bucks and the stars?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! In the forest?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(laughs along awkwardly)

SEAN (AS PERI)

No.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no, no, that’s silly.

SEAN (AS PERI)

We had a latte.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! So you mean a cafe?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah! I just happened to be there. You know. I was just happening—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is there a cafe in the basement?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(laughs)

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, just Celene and death!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, yes. Well, that makes sense.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, it was in the future. Well, your future, not my future.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, how—

SEAN (AS PERI)

It gets confusing. I get really confused. Because now would be my past, I guess? Maybe Eggerton—yeah, I don’t know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How did you come from the future?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Just followed the fae stone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The fae stone? Which fae stone?

SEAN (AS PERI)

You don’t know where the fae stones are?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, no, I don’t, not all of them.

SEAN (AS PERI)

You can’t feel them?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… No?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Well, that’s sad.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s sad. Very sad. It would be wonderful if someone could help me feel them, or even find them…

SEAN (AS PERI)

Well, I don’t think I’m supposed to show you where the fae stone is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, surely something as wonderful as a fae stone is meant to be shared with the world!

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, we’re not supposed to share it with the world.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uhh… shared with Eggerton’s good friends?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Well… I mean… I guess I could share it with Eggerton’s good friends.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I mean, think of it this way. If you show me where to find Eggerton, maybe you’ll run into him again!

SEAN (AS PERI)

(gasps)

But just by happenstance.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

A chance meeting. Aren’t those the best kind?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, I’m not trying to find him.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Not at all.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, he’s going to call me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, I’m sure he will.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(softly)

He’d better.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, I guarantee he will.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So could you take me to this cafe? Where you found him?

SEAN (AS PERI)

I don’t know. I could take you to the fae stone, but then you have to just like, think of the cafe, and you just follow it there, through the matrix.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So then you’ll have to describe it to me in great detail as we get to the fae stone.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh! I can do that. Oh my god, it was so amazing. And okay, so when you first walk in, you look around and you see Eggerton’s not there…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh huh. Oh, yeah? Really!

EGGERTON

SEAN

We return to another busy street, this one even more crowded with lanes of traffic, with these very large fast-moving vehicles zipping, unheeding of anyone, past as Eggerton stands with a few people on a corner with—just on other side—a beautiful green park filled with trees.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Are you going to the park too? Isn’t it beautiful? It’s all green. And I think—I can feel the pull, it might be the fae stone there. It’s so exciting! Why are we standing here though? It’s just right there—

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Are you talking to me? Excuse me?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, yeah! Hi! Yeah! Yeah. I’m Eggerton.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Um, yeah, great. I’m just on a phone call if you don’t mind.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What’s a phone call?

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Yeah, no, no, we need to sell.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What are we selling?

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Excuse me. Hold on.

(to Eggerton)

I’m sorry—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why are you sorry?

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

I don’t know who you are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m Eggerton.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Yeah. I don’t care.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s not very nice.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Yeah. And I’m very busy right now. If you don’t mind.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. No, I’m okay with that.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Great.

(into the phone)

Yeah, sorry, Sarah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Who’s Sarah?

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

(sighs)

Yeah, no, I can’t move. I’m stuck at the lights.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think you’re stuck. I mean, wait, is there—are your feet…? Hold on, let me check your feet. I’ll see if there’s anything under them.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

This man is touching me—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(grunts with effort)

No, no, there’s a little bit of gum on this one, that shouldn’t be sticking you.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

What are you doing? Don’t touch me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m seeing if you’re stuck! You said you were stuck. I want to help you.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

I’m not stuck. If you would just put my foot down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, there you go. What about the other one? Let me check the other one—

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Look, I’ll show you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Yeah!

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

See, I can lift it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so you’re not stuck.

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

No, I’m not stuck now. Thanks for your help.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(shouts)

Sarah, he’s lying to you! He’s not stuck!

SEAN (AS IRRITABLE MAN)

Okay, I just actually realized I’m at the wrong place. I’m just going to go down this street. Nice meeting you. Bye!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was nice to meet you too! Bye!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, you are just delightful.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, thank you so much.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

I was watching your interaction with that very rude man. And I thought oh, it’s just so cheery and we don’t often see people like you who take time to interact with others.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is sad that people here seem very very, you know, in a rush to get places.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

(groans)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And they keep walking to where they want to go and then stopping, complaining about stopping, waiting for a while and then continuing. Why don’t they just go?

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, there is a lot of traffic—oh, here, we can go now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Perhaps you could help me get across.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Of course I can help you get across! Here, let me take your arm. And here we go.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

We have to hurry.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why are we hurrying? We don’t need to hurry.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, the big cars will run—

SEAN

VROOOM!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We can take all our time—oh, that was loud.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Aaa! Ooh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was fast. No, it’s okay, don’t worry.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

A little faster, a little faster.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We don’t need to go faster. It—whoa!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh! Oh! Oh my goodness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That one was angry!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. And here we go. Other side.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, thank you! You take your life into your hands every time you walk these roads.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know, where I come from we prefer roads without these big angry machines. We have little machines that move pretty quickly. But you know, it’s very polite.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, that sounds so nice.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is nice.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

A quieter, slower time.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, not necessarily—I mean, there were a couple of, you know, alleged explosions.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So maybe not quieter. But it was maybe nicer. Except for all the Centurions. They were kind of mean and rude. They’d always be like, “Give me your ID!” But you know, I feel like it’s okay here. People seem kind of nice sometimes. You’re nice.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

You’re a writer, aren’t you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I like to think so.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, you write fabulous stories!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasp)

Well, thank you.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Such an imagination you have!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you! I should have you talk to my boss, Karen. She never believes it.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, well, anytime, young man. Anytime.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

I come to the park to get away from all the noise and awfulness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ahhh. Well, you know what? I’m looking for a fae stone. Do you want to come with me and find it?

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, I can’t walk too quickly…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s okay! We can take our time.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, okay!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t have anywhere to be in an urgent manner. There’s no reason to hurry along and meet certain… reasons for speediness and expedition.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, there’s nothing wrong with being unemployed. That happens to all of us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, I have a job. I have a job in the future. Well, I think it’s the past.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

You’re so positive. Of course you’ll have a job in the future.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I have a job in the future—

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

That is absolutely the attitude to have.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But I’m also a general. I’m actually part of the Defence League that is trying to prevent both the end of time, which we’ve kind of put on pause right now because we’re also trying to prevent the end of existence!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh my goodness. You know, my grandson plays these games where you you have little figures and you move them around and you pretend that you are dragons and there are all sorts of fantasy creatures…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

I always wanted to be a dragon! I’ve never met one.

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Well, you know, I think if you just choose to be a dragon, they’ll let you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Really!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

You just tell the people in the game with you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, I’m gonna try and be a dragon. Ready?

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

(chuckling)

Okay! All right!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

One, two, three—RAARRRGH!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

(laughing)

Oh my goodness! You are just so much fun.

SEAN

Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling!

SEAN (AS ICE CREAM MAN)

Ice cream! Get your ice cream!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

What’s ice cream?

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

You don’t know what ice cream is?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No! Does it come in spicy? That’s always my favourite flavour.

SEAN (AS ICE CREAM MAN)

Ice cream!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, no, it’s very sweet. You might want to get yourself one.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

Sweet like a fairy cake?

SEAN (AS ICE CREAM MAN)

Anybody want ice cream?

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, a cake? Yes, it is like cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay! Let’s go get some!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

I will buy you one because you are unemployed and I want to help you get on your path to where you need to go in life.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That is so sweet of you.

SEAN (AS ICE CREAM MAN)

Ice cream!

MARISA (AS ELDERLY LADY)

Excuse me.

SEAN (AS ICE CREAM MAN)

Ah! Mrs. Fedelstein.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN THE ELDERLY LADY)

Oh, hello there Archie. How are you today?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE THE ICE CREAM MAN)

Pretty good. You know, the feet, a little tired, you know, but—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you want a foot massage?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. He’s—he’s a little odd, this one. I just met him.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Ah. What can I get you Ms. Fedelstein?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

I will have the chocolate vanilla twist.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Yup. I got ya, always got the—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooooh.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

I’ll just take that off…

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Doesn’t that look good? Thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That does look good.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

What would you like?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hmmm. Could I have one of these with sprinkles, sparkles, glitter, stripes in both directions, polka dots… and maybe just a little bit of fairy dust on top?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

It’s just one of the numbers. Just pick a number.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. Um, 764.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

No, like on the side. Look, let me show you, come around.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Look, I got Number 1, which is what Mrs. Fedelstein has.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, that’s Number 1.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Number 2…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Number 2.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Number 3.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Number 3.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Or Number 4.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, which one has the most glitter?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

4.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, I’ll take a Number 4, please!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Here you go.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Thank you, Archie. Here you are.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Thank you, Mrs. Fedelstein. Have a good day at the park.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

You too.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait. Wait. Do you have a little kitchen in there?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

No, it’s… it’s an ice box.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but you’ve got like—I see some sprinkles. And that looks like maybe some sugar or something?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

I don’t tell anyone about the sprinkles—

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Okay! Why don’t we go find that stone you were talking about—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait wait wait!

(whispers)

I can make something.

Okay, watch out, I’m coming in, I’m coming in—

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

He’s climbing in! Mrs. Fedelstein, he’s climbing into my—what are you…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(stuck headfirst in the cart)

Okay, okay! Now I’m gonna take this bowl—

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

This is against regulations.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, a little bit of this, and throw that in… Hello, Mr. Bowl! You’re different than my normal bowl. But you seem nice!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Sir, I—

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Archie. Archie. He is searching for a job. So maybe he’s just trying things out to see where he fits. You know?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And now a mixing spoon… and swirl that around, and some sprinkles… oh look, a pigeon! Pigeon, hello!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

He’s trying to put a pigeon in my cart!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I’m not putting it—I’m asking the pigeon if he wants to come help.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

No! No pigeons are allowed in this cart!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No? That seems kind of discriminatory.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

I’m sorry, but there are health codes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There are health codes?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Yeah, I don’t think you should be in my cart with your feet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What’s wrong with my feet?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Yes, young man, perhaps we should leave Archie to his route.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, it’s almost done. Just a little bit of this…

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh my.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A little stirring counter-clockwise—okay. Now, everybody close your eyes. Close your eyes real quick.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Close your eyes.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

If it makes this end faster, sure.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay. I want everyone to think about something they love.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

People not in my cart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, think really hard about that.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

(dreamily)

Rainbows.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Rainbows! Yeah, rainbows! Okay, and everybody go “Ooooo, fairy cakes!”

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Ooooo, fairy cakes!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Seriously?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Just do it.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

(without feeling)

Ooo, fairy cakes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And… open your eyes!

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Ooh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A bowl full of fairy cakes!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Where did those come from?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I made them! You helped! With your love!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What? Where did you—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why is this… this black one, I think that might be yours, sir. There you go. And look, Mrs. Fiddlestein!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Where did you have these?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Here’s a rainbow one! And look. We’ll put a couple sprinkles that I found.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Well, that’s just marvelous!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

(mutters)

I wouldn’t feed this to my dog.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. Okay, try it. Try it. I want to see if you like it. Try it. Try it.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Okay!

(eats it and smacks her lips)

SEAN

Roll for fairy cakes.

MIKE

That’s a… Oh, no, that’s an 8. Which means…

Laughter.

MIKE

I just drugged a stranger.

SEAN

So you are going to feel great, but…

Everyone you see is an animal dressed in the clothing of that person.

MARISA

Okay.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh my goodness! I think my arthritis is gone!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? Really?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Wow!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s incredible.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Yes! I mean, I haven’t felt this good in my joints for ages!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wonderful!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

I don’t know if we—what’s in these? Have you drugged Mrs Fedelstein?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No! That’s just—

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh, I just—Archie! Oh my goodness!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh! Archie, your face!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What happened? What’s with my face?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Well, the horse! The horse face!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh…

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Oh! Archie, what is happening to you?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What have you done to Mrs. Fedelstein?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, it’s okay. Sometimes the fairy cakes take a bit of a turn—

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Officer? Officer!

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

Yes, perhaps we should call the authorities.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Officer!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Okay, what is is this? Another ice cream-related mishap?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

I’m afraid so.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello, officer! My name is Eggerton. How are you today?

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Okay, you’re obviously a homeless dwarf…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Why don’t you have shoes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Where’s the dwarf?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

This man, I think I believe he may have drugged this little old woman. My friend, Mrs Fedelstein.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, no, I didn’t drug her. I just gave her a fairy cake and it’s taken a bit of a turn, that happens sometimes—

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Okay, what’s the street lingo here? “Fairy cake”? What’s that mean.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s just—look, here! Try one.

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

I’m not gonna just eat something that—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s okay, have a fairy cake!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

(choking noises)

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What are you doing?!

SEAN

Roll for fairy cakes.

Laughter.

MIKE

(laughing)

It’s an 8 again.

SEAN

So the policeman is having the most amazing experience of his life. But he is…?

We’re looking at Marisa…

MARISA

Oh no. Um… He thinks he’s in a large body of water.

SEAN

(laughing)

He thinks he’s in a large body of water.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

What—you can’t just go shoving things down people’s throats!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m not shoving it. I’m putting it up for them to try, and then they eat it.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Okay, but just get down off my cart. Get off my cart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m gonna get off the cart.

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

What have you done to Officer Fox?

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Are you okay?

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

I think I’m fine. What I want to know is—why are you flooding the city?! Why are you flooding the city?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, okay, I’ve seen this one before. Okay…

You’re on a boat! It’s a calm sea!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

I’m not—this is an ice cream cart!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

No, get off my cart! No!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Everyone on the cart! Everyone on the cart!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait! It’s okay, it’s okay!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

I’m fine—we just have to all get on the cart. You! Across the street! You’re gonna be killed! You’re gonna die!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay! Everyone’s okay! There’s no extra water. The fairy cake’s just making you feel a little extra right now.

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

I’m getting out my gun!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No! Whoa! What’s that?

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

All right! Now! We have to choose quickly. Who are the important people in society?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This is going dark!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

The cart can only fit three of us!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh oh. All right. I gotta go.

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

It’s my cart! I own the cart!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Your cart? Get on the cart!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

All right!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

You’re a small business owner—we’ll need that in the future! Ma’am?

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

My arthritis is better. I think I can be of some use in the new civilization…

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

All right, Ma’am, up you come.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay. Everything’s okay—

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

He’s the one who did this!

CARTER (AS POLICEMAN)

Criminal! Criminal!

Gunshots.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh geez! All right! Okay, you guys have a nice day! I’m gonna go find the fae stone. Okay, bye! Bye now!

MARISA (AS MRS. FEDELSTEIN)

(sobbing)

DARCY

SEAN

We return to the corridor that goes on and on. And Darcy is walking along, looking a little concerned as Peri hovers in the air beside her, talking, well, incessantly.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(dreamily)

And then there was the scones—oh, but I couldn’t figure out which flavour. But that’s when he came in. Oh, just the tinkle of the door. And then just seeing his little rosy cheeks—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I… I think I have a really clear picture now of of where you were. Because you’ve been so descriptive and—

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, that’s right! I was explaining to you. Ha ha ha!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS PERI)

That’s enough? Are you sure. Because I haven’t really told you about like where we sat, or where he touched the table…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I think it’s good. I mean, you described the sign—

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, the sign!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The sign outside was very helpful.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I did good? Okay, good.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, you really described the outside a lot because that’s how nervous you were to go in at first.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, I was, I was real nervous.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Because I was like, what if he’s already there? I wanted to be there first. And then I was like, but what if he thought to be their first ahead of me? It was really hard.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s a… quandary. That’s for sure. Those types of things.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Dating’s horrible.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, tell me about it.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Not that we’re dating! You know, we’re not official or anything like, you know what I mean? He may not call, it’s cool. Cool cool. Cool cool cool.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. You just gotta play it cool, right?

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, I’m gonna kill him if he doesn’t call me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, that too.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So how long until the fae stone?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh wait! We’re going to the fae stone!

(laughs)

Oh right! We were just talking so much. Uhhhh… where are we in the corridor? Hold on, hold on. Oh, we can still get there. We can still get there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, that’s great. Um, I feel like I gotta get to Eggerton quickly.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh right!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know what he’s up to.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Why? Why do you have to get to Eggerton?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, because… we don’t like being apart for very long!

SEAN (AS PERI)

What… He doesn’t like being apart from you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well, no—because we’re just really good friends. That’s it. That’s all that’s going on

SEAN (AS PERI)

How good friends?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uhh… not that good.

SEAN (AS PERI)

But he doesn’t like being away from you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, because I’m sort of a…

SEAN (AS PERI)

Girlfriend?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I do his shopping for him.

SEAN (AS PERI)

You… you what?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I do his shopping for him.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, so you like, work for him!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, that’s right.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughing)

Oh! I’m sorry. I’m just a little jealous, you know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, of course.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know why I thought that—just that you’re with him all the time. And he talks about you—

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. He almost doesn’t like me, really, it’s just… he likes food and I do the shopping and so I get him the food and that’s that’s all our connection is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What does he like?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Uh… you. I’m sure.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Has he mentioned me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, I haven’t seen him for a long time, remember. This is why I need to catch up.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, right, right! Yeah, okay, so…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I can mention you a lot when I see him.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(bashful)

Oh, okay…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, so, I’ll put in a good word.

SEAN (AS PERI)

But don’t make it obvious.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, not at all.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Not unless he talks about me first. Well, maybe you could work it in a little to remind him if he’s not talking about me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely. I can do that.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay. Okay, so—oh! Here, we’re here! Ha ha.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow! Here it is!

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah, we took three lefts on this corridor that doesn’t end and… so now, okay… Oh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s wrong?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(whispers)

Um, I’m not supposed to be seen with you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

Why not?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Because you’re not supposed to—you’re not supposed to be in here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I think that… depends on your point of view!

CARTER (AS ANOTHER FAE)

Hello, Peri!

SEAN (AS PERI)

H‑hello! Hello, Billian.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

So! Break almost over?

SEAN (AS PERI)

(laughing nervously)

Yeah! Yeah, I was just, um, walking down this hall and oh, look who it is!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Hello.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

You’re big.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ve been told that.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

I don’t think she’s allowed to be here!

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, no. What? Really?

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

I… I think so.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, my God. What should we do, Billian?

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Um… I could sound the alarm!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! There’s no need for alarm-sounding. I was just leaving! Wasn’t I, Perry?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. Yeah. She wanted to know how to leave. I was going to show her the way through the—I mean, not through the fae stone. I just was going to take her back the other way.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

So she’s not a fairy, so she can’t go through the fae stone!

SEAN (AS PERI)

Right! Right, right. I was gonna to take her down the hall to the Jester.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

The Jester?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Oh, the Jolly Jester is not very jolly.

SEAN (AS PERI)

No.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Quite ironic.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah. So, uh—

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

This feels like an alarm-sounding situation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! I actually was let in by two fairies on your drawbridge. Uh, everything’s fine.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Oh, I thought we had three out there now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I think that might be true? Maybe they need four!

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Hmmm…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Then two could look one way and two could look the other. Three seems like an uneven number to me.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Celene doesn’t want to be you know, disturbed right now. Right? She’s killing, you know, the Chosen One in the basement and you wouldn’t want to disturb her—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

W… what? Excuse me? I’m sorry, what did you say about Celene?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh, she’s killing the Chosen One in the basement right now. She wouldn’t want to be disturbed, right?

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

No, she’s been looking forward to that, yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. So you know, she may be a little angry. So maybe we should just keep it quiet and we’ll just—we’ll just usher her out.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Well, if I go on to the front, and I’m one of the four…. you’re gonna have to go to the back and be one of the four there. But then what to do with the big one…

SEAN (AS PERI)

Right…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why don’t you just take me to a lower level, near the basement?

SEAN (AS PERI)

Or we could freeze her?

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Oh! Freezing her! I haven’t done that lately.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I don’t like freezing.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Yeah.

(whispers)

Sorry. I don’t know what to do, I was panicking.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I‑I think that you guys should just take me back to where I came—just take me outside of the castle and I’ll be on my way and I won’t disturb anyone any longer.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

So I’ll contact Catering and see if they have anything we can freeze her with.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay! We’ll wait here.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

All right! Just a moment.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Thank you.

(whispers)

Peri.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(whispers)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

I need to get to the basement.

SEAN (AS PERI)

I thought we were going to the fae stone! It’s right here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, um, I feel like now I need to get to the basement. Is there a fae stone down there?

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, no, this is the fae stone in the castle.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But Peri, your friend was right. I can’t use the fae stone. I’m not a fairy.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh. Oh, I didn’t—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And then you’d have to come with me and then they’d know you weren’t on guard in the back. And I feel like there might be questions that would make it awkward for you. I think what would be less awkward for you, is if you just get me to the basement.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay, but that’s past Catering.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, well, there isn’t a way around Catering?

SEAN (AS PERI)

No, you have to go right through Catering.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, maybe I could sneak through.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay… um…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, so if you can just show me the way then of course I’m going to tell Eggerton that you helped his personal shopper get to where she needed to go, and he’s just gonna be so happy about that.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Oh really? Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS PERI)

You sure you don’t want to stop at the fae…? Okay, okay, we’ll just—he’s probably not there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, he might have already gone off somewhere else. He’s always flitting around, that Eggerton! Ha ha.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(quietly)

Is that a euphemism?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…yes?

SEAN (AS PERI)

So he… he has a lot of girls?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh! Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, I don’t mean that. I just mean he just flits to and fro as fairies do.

SEAN (AS PERI)

(relieved)

Oh. Oh, okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Allright, well, we’ll just follow Billian down to catering.

SEAN (AS PERI)

Okay, why don’t you go ahead of me and I’ll follow you and…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, great. Okay, so just follow me!

SEAN

And she pops out of existence.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

Well, good news and bad news.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

All right! I have three bags of ice. We can freeze her with—

Hello? Hello?

I never get to freeze anyone.

Laughter.

MIDROLL

ANNOUNCER

Ooh! Ooh! It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers!

SEAN

Hey, everyone, it’s Sean. And I just want to say how awesome it is to be back and to have this table coming back together again. We are having so much fun and thank you so much for being with us on this journey. And I want to give a special shout out to some of you who have supported us or raised your donations! That is so amazing, and helps us keep going and keep creating this show.

First of all, I want to give a thank you to Lana—I hope I got that right. And Victoria Snyder. Thank you so much. And I also want to keep working my way through the oldies but the goodies! I need a better name for those still. So let’s give a shout out to Oz Osborne, Person #42—Mottel! Eddie Kristan and Jacob H. Thank you all so much. And for everyone else who’s listening and sharing this, or reviewing this in iTunes it means so much.

And now I want to give a shout out to a show that has captured my soul. I cannot stop listening to Caravan. It is an audio fiction serialized drama. It is not an actual play but I love it. It is a beautifully told story—I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like a fantasy meets an old Western but it’s modern. And it’s told from the point of view of a character that we don’t often hear from in entertainment and in media. And it’s got gay relationships and romance and I love it and I can’t get enough. Check out Caravan—you will not regret it.

And I also want to say thank you to everyone that’s checked out our new show Civilized, our fully-improvised dark comedy sci-fi show. We really appreciate you all listening and giving us that boost and those reviews are so amazing.

And hey, I’m done talking. Let’s get back to the show.

SKETCH: UNION MEETING

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, welcome to meeting to start union in honour of my two boys whose greatest dream it was to be unionize—

SEAN (AS STAR)

(giggling)

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Hey! What’s the laughing about?!

SEAN (AS STAR)

Sorry!

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, none of that. It’s sad that Goh and Rothkar no longer with us.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(giggling)

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

And we continue this in their honour even though I did not believe in unioning.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

But it is important to honour their memory.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Very important. Here are cookies.

CARTER (AS FAE)

Ooooh!

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Oooh. Thank you.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(giggling)

Maybe we should send another group to go and speak to Celene about the union demands!

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Too soon! Too soon.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Yeah, no, good point.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Okay, I’d like to stand and say words.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Please do.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

As ice monster people look down on me.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Well, they mostly look up.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

They technically look up at me because I am so giant and made of ice.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

But Rathkar—nope.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Rothkar.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Rothkar.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

And Goh. They always looked at me like a monster first.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh, that gets me right here.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

They did not see me as what they call an “NPC” in some circles. They saw me as me.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Yes, that is them!

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

They were wonderful souls.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

They were. They flipped too many tables, but they were good boys.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Too many tables.

SEAN (AS STAR)

(sniffling)

I didn’t expect to be—I’m not feeling anything!

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

It’s okay. We’re all a little sad today.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Now let’s try be happier and talk about what we need in union. You over here! What do you think?

CARTER (AS FAE)

Well, I just got this notice from Celene.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Oh.

CARTER (AS FAE)

She said if we disband the union immediately, she’ll give us a .5% raise. All in favour?

SEAN (AS ANOTHER FAE)

Oh. Aye?

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Uh… yeah. Seems less trouble.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Uh, I have a math question.

CARTER (AS FAE)

Okay.

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Um. When you take .5…

CARTER (AS FAE)

Uh huh?

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

And you add it to zero… does that mean we’re going you get paid?

CARTER (AS FAE)

Do you get fed?

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Uh, I get to eat the wayward adventurers…

CARTER (AS FAE)

\.5% more!

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

Oh! I’m on board with that.

SEAN (AS ANOTHER FAE)

Me too! Where do we sign?

MIKE (AS ICE MONSTER)

All right. Aye.

CARTER (AS FAE)

So we dissolve the union at our first meeting! Again I’m very sorry for your boys.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Thank you.

SEAN

Leave a donation for the boys in their name at patreon.com/albasalix—or go to otherbothers.com and click on the Patreon link.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

We appreciate.

Music sting.

EGGERTON

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

(absurd Arnold Schwarzenegger voice)

I can’t believe it! Stuck homeless again. Why? Why did I choose to just pop in for one meal? I’m so hungry…

(sobs)

Eggerton runs up, screaming in panic.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaaaaa!

SEAN (AS ARCHIE)

Hello?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(breathless)

Wha? Who are you?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh! My name is Gulhart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Guildhurt?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Gilhart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Gillhod?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Gilhart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sure!

I’m Eggerton!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Hello!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you see any little metal things flying past me? There was a lot of them but I think I outran them.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Are you talking about automobiles?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No! Those are angry though, aren’t they?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ahh, you get used to them.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Really? I don’t think I could get used to those.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, they’re around this area quite a bit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, these were like little flies that came out of this black contraption that an angry man had, and they kept trying to like, bite me but I got away from them.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You are talking crazy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know, it sounds crazy! But nonetheless, here I am!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am not comfortable with crazy people. I am not crazy. What I am doing is I’ve come back here to try and construct my magical branch portal.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A magical branch portal?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Here in the park is the one place in the entire multiverse that has a special tree that allows me to create the circular portal. I am not a crazy person!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That sounds like the most rational thing I’ve heard in days.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Thank you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so where does the tree come from?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

The tree is here in the park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Here in the park?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yes, this park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This very park!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

This very park, yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s go, new friend, and find your tree!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It’s just here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This one?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Is right here, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The one we are standing next to right now is the magic tree?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I have run out of food again. I left my own portal in a different time period so now I have to build this one here now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so how much wood do you need?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It’s not much, it’s just strips, and then you got to curve them.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The strips?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You’ve got to curve into a circle.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay, well, this is a big tree.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You just strip it down—don’t let anybody see you strip it!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Because then they will know this is the magic portal tree branch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They will. I mean, if I was walking by and I saw someone pulling small twigs off the tree to bend and form into a portal shape, I’d go “Ohhh! That’s a magical portal tree!”

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You and I are thinking together now. I’m sorry I called you a crazy person.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay! It’s okay. The people here are a little off if you know what I’m saying.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It is quite high energy. I blame the caffeine.

SEAN (AS A PASSERBY)

He ran that way! I saw him run that way!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Um. So there may be some of those weird people coming. So what we’re going to do real quick—I’m going to find a way to get as much of this down as I can. Then we’re going to build a portal, then we’re going to go to the fae stone with the portal, and then we’re going to go through it together. Okay?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I just want a way to make money.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah! We’ll do that too. We’ll do that too. But you know—here. Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to try and climb this tree.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Uh huh?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ready? Okay, give me a boost.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, I boost you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You boost. Ready? One… two… three…

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

(at the same time)

Eins… zwei… fling!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Waagh! Okay, I got a branch!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

All right?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But it’s still attached to the tree.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, I need it off the tree. It doesn’t work then.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Can you reach my toes?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, I—

They both dissolve into ticklish laughter.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ja, it’s fun, but I don’t know why it’s helping.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, pull. Pull my feet.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Pull your feet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

Straining and struggling.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Down! Down! Down!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(panting)

Okay. Here’s the branch. I got the branch.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay, strip it!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Strip it?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You strip it. You have to strip it good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, can you, like, lay down a fat beat for me while I do this? I kinda need to get into a rhythm.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

This is quite an unfortunate request but I will certainly attempt to honour it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I feel that with your, with your… ducal tones, that it will be perfect for tree-stripping.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Gerhart will do this for you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

All right, here we go.

(clumsy but vigorous beatboxing, with much spitting)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah. Okay, that’s tree-stripping music, all right. Uh huh. Uh huh. Check it out. Check it out.

I’m strippin’ a tr—

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Excuse me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Excuse me, have you two rappers seen anybody run past here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, yes… a little old lady ran past the other direction.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Thank you. Thank you. Sorry to interrupt.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No problem.

(whispers)

That was one of the weird ones.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, I’m terribly sorry, it’s a good thing they didn’t stop. Okay, back to portal stripping.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay!

Uh! Un un uh! Strip the tree, strip the tree, strip the tree. Aaaand—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, is thinner! Thinner! It is much thinner. You can’t make it too thick or it doesn’t work, I don’t know why.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay! I’m sorry, my fingers are a little sweaty and clammy from all the running and the climbing. And my fingers, I dunno, they’re kind of fat and short. I always felt—now, you’ve got long, luxurious fingers.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You’re welcome. Why am I stripping the branches? If you got those like, you’ve got artisinal hands—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You offered.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I did offer… Why don’t you take over? I’ll do the phat beat and you do the tree-stripping rap?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

All right. This has to be half the size it is now. All right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, ready?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Here we go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And—oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, it’s too fast!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Too fast! Too fast! Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

This is a delicate operation!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, ready? Okay.

(gently)

Ba bap bap bap ba… ba bap bap bap ba…

SEAN

(giggling)

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I like this. It’s happy.

See, this is half the size. Then you have to tie them together. But you also have to make a circle. You can’t do that if it is too hard and thick!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ba bap bap bap ba… Do you often find branches are too hard and thick for you? Ba bap bap bap ba…

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I think you are trying to say something naughty but I am not going to take the bait.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(laughing)

Ba bap bap bap ba…

SEAN

We cut to 25 minutes later, and Eggerton is holding a perfectly formed, round shaped branch-like portal device.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know what would be even more fun than using this as a portal? Watch. Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna put it over my head and around my waist and I’m gonna start spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Don’t do that! Then half of you will go to another dimension!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

—and spinning and spinning and—whoaaaaaaaah!

Laughter.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I don’t even know why he was thinking of going!

I’ve lost my dear friend! The only one who has ever understood me!

(sobbing)

I have a portal… and yet I have nothing.

DARCY

SEAN

We return to that endless corridor, and Darcy is advancing slowly. Ahead of her are two double-swing doors and on the other side, she can hear the sounds of a kitchen at work.

MARISA

So I tiptoe up to these doors.

SEAN

Okay.

MARISA

And what can I hear going on?

SEAN

You hear orders being shouted, you hear plates being set down, you hear frying and pans. You here a kitchen serving a large volume of meals.

CARTER (AS A COOK)

Who used all the ice? Where’s the ice?

SEAN (AS ANOTHER COOK)

I don’t know! Put another order in. Order up!

MARISA

Okay, so first of all, I look around this corridor. Do I see any doors that might lead to a basement?

SEAN

As you say those words… you see a door.

MARISA

Wow. So I go towards the door…

SEAN

And a popping sound happens behind you.

MARISA

And I spin around to see…?

SEAN

You see half of Eggerton sticking out of the floor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What—?

MARISA

…which half?

Laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(muffled)

Can anyone help? My feet are stuck in something? Hello? Someone there?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy, what are you doing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you doing?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m stuck! I was hula-hooping through a dimensional portal. And I think it like, activated and I went through but not all the way. So now I feel I can’t see anything but my feet are like, I can feel the air with my feet. But I can’t see anything or move.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This just sounds like a normal day for you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. It’s been a bit weird. A little weird.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, what if I try and pull you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Okay, try to grab my leg.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, here I am. I’m grabbing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaaaa! That was scary. Okay, that was you, right? That was you grabbing my leg?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That was me!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, do it again. Do it again. Sorry if I kicked you. And—whooaaa!

(he emerges, panting)

Whew! How you doing, Darcy?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

I’m good, but keep your voice down!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(not keeping his voice down)

Why am I keeping my voice down?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

Because we’re in Celene’s ice castle!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re in Celene’s ice castle?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Shhhhh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, it’s okay, everyone calm… calm down…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Shhhh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, what’s the sit rep on the recon—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You tell me!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

—of the attack module strategeos…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You tell me what the sit rep is! I hear that Blat’s under attack downstairs and you’re flitting through different dimensions? You were supposed to be with him!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well I was, and then I died?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then I went to this awesome party…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You would not believe the things I saw.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You died?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it was cool. And then I went on a very nice date. It was a very nice first date with a nice young fairy—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

With Peri?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know Peri?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. Peri’s obsessed with you, just so you know. And not nice obsessed. I think slightly dangerously obsessed. So just watch your step.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I dunno, Peri seemed pretty nice to me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Listen!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think Blat’s in trouble. We’ve got to get down to the basement!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The basement where?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Of this castle!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We want to go into the basement of a goddess’s castle?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have to help Blat!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Where’s Blat?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Down in the basement!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! Where you left him!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I didn’t leave him here. Well, technically, I guess I left him here but it was a tunnel connected to here? So it was here-adjacent.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We need to get to the tunnel. So do you know how to get to the tunnel?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ummm. I dunno, is it that door?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, let’s try it!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA

So I go over to this door that Eggerton pointed to.

SEAN

The door that appeared when you thought of it.

MARISA

Yes.

SEAN

Like the window.

MARISA

Yes?

MIKE

(whispers)

What window?

MARISA

So… can I open this door?

SEAN

Yeah.

MARISA

Okay, so I open the door.

SEAN

You see… The door creaks open and you see steps going down into the blackness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See, there you go! Basement. Let’s roll. You first.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right. Um…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, is that the sound of a kitchen?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. No. We don’t have time for the kitchen, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, it’s just, I had to make these fairy cakes. I’ve got this mixing bowl but I lost my pouch. So I need to get a new pouch. I’ve got fairy cakes to go for a while. It’s kind of awkward to carry them—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, just put them in my satchel.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! You have a satchel?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, here you go. I’m going to keep a couple in my pockets.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s probably a good idea with you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, and one behind my ear. This one’s long and skinny so it fits. And I’m going to just tip them into…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right. All right. I can’t take the bowl though.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aw, I like this bowl.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re gonna have to leave it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t want to leave—oh wait, what if I wear it as a helmet?

SEAN

(laughs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fine. That’s fine.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

General… Eggerton!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The other hat was better, but okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was better, but I didn’t pack it. That’s sad.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, come on. We need to go down these stairs.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, wait. Wait.

I want to have a fairy cake first.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you sure that’s a good idea?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I feel like, you know, I’m a little bruised and my arm’s a bit sore from where the troll tried to eat me…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t afford to have you dopey or drunk or stumbly or anything else that’s not just on-the-mark, ready-to-go Eggerton right now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why would I be anything other than on-the-mark, ready-to-go General Eggerton?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Because your fairy cakes have side effects.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sometimes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

A lot of the time.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Some of the time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think more than some of the time.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, it depends on how we wanted to define “some” and “more” mathematically.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, just… just have a fairy cake. Take a fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, I’m gonna have this one. This is like a knockoff purple swirly made of ingredients. It’s not purple, but I imagine purple? That was my happy thought in my love when I was making it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you say knockoff?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, no, no, no, no. It’s a fairy cake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re going to take a knockoff fairy cake?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, don’t worry. Here, I’m just gonna eat it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No—ughh.

SEAN

Roll for Fairy Cakes at a minus 1.

MIKE

Minus 1. Oh no!

SEAN

But you’ll add any pluses you have.

MIKE

I have +3 now, so…

SEAN

So you’re at +2.

He rolls. Laughter.

MIKE

Incidentally, it’s an 8.

SEAN

So you’re healed for… you get the plus on that, what was it? +3 on the damage, or the restoration.

MIKE

Restoration, which I’ve not done in a while. Um… I’m just gonna roll 2d6 and see what happens.

SEAN

No, I think it’s a—isn’t it a d8?

MIKE

It doesn’t say.

(reads)

“When you feed someone one of your fairy cakes, sweets or nom-noms… roll +Wisdom. On a 10+ blah bla blah, heal them for d8—” All right. You know what? Smartass. With your facts.

Laughter.

SEAN

It’s amazing what happens when you read your sheet!

MIKE

I get… 7 hit points back! Full health.

SEAN

+Wisdom.

MIKE

+Wisdom is + 1. So I go to full.

SEAN

I thought you said you had a +3 on the roll? Is that for some other reason? I’m confused.

MIKE

That’s on the Fairy Cake roll.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE

And then +Wisdom for healing.

SEAN

How do you get +3 on the roll?

MIKE

Isn’t that for Charisma?

(reads)

Oh, it’s for Wisdom. Oops!

SEAN

You’ve been increasing Charisma all this time when you need to increase Wisdom.

Laughter.

MIKE

(laughing)

It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

MARISA

And you’re not even that charismatic!

MIKE

Ohh! Rude. Nonetheless, I’m at full HP.

SEAN

And really beautiful.

MIKE

Yeah!

SEAN

And… you are stoned.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton. Do you feel better?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

Why are you so loud?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not being loud. I’m being quiet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(loudly)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Argh! Side effects, side effects, side effects! I knew it!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(hearty, stoned laughter)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Shhhh! Be quiet!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Shhhh! This is Celene’s castle. Why are you being so loud and immature?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s just—let’s just get through the door!

MARISA

And I drag him through the doorway.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Whoaa!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Come on!

SEAN

Okay, so the door closes behind you, as Darcy drags Eggerton, mumbling and laughing, down the stairs.

CARTER (AS BILLIAN)

Uh, hello? Ice? I thought the ice person came—aw, it was nothing.

BLAT

SEAN

We return to a giant ice cave with a stuttering giant crystal flickering madly, with blue light across the surface, as it beats erratically, as if at the end of its existence, struggling to not shatter. Beside it, floating in the air, is the goddess Celene in all her glory. And she is but a few feet away from Blat, with his wings flapping madly as he aims his bazooka at the crystal… and defiantly presses the trigger.

And the crystal… well, let’s roll damage please.

MARISA

Don’t we need to roll for hitting first?

SEAN

Well, it’s Volley. Let’s roll to hit, actually. Thank you, Marisa!

MARISA

No problem.

SEAN

So let’s roll to hit. Let’s roll Volley to hit.

MIKE

So much rolling.

SEAN

And you get a plus on this for your Dex.

CARTER

8.

SEAN

Okay, so on a 7 to 9, that’s a partial success.

Okay, you have a couple choices. “You have to move to get the shot, placing you in even greater danger”—I don’t know how that’s possible. “You have to take what you can get: minus 1d6 damage. Or you have to take several shots: reduce your ammo.” But you don’t have ammo, we don’t do that. So…

CARTER

I’ll decrease my damage by 1.

SEAN

1d6.

MARISA

Ha!

CARTER

1d6! So possibly no damage at all.

SEAN

So you put yourself in greater damage or… you take what you can get and it’s minus 1d6 damage.

CARTER

No, I can’t put myself at any greater danger.

MARISA

Yeah.

SEAN

Okay, so you’re gonna do minus 1d6.

CARTER

So I’ll just roll one…

SEAN

So you’re flapping madly backwards as you fire, and you just—the shell goes a little short of its target. Let’s roll damage.

CARTER

5.

SEAN

Now roll a six-sided die and…

CARTER

Subtract that.

MIKE

Come on 1.

CARTER

2.

MARISA

So it’s 3.

SEAN

The blast roars outward… it probably can be heard for anyone that happened to be nearby. Flame rolling outward, ice slowly melting and dripping down, sending a cascade of water as the crystal emerges from the flame, still standing…

And then it ruptures, shooting shards in every direction, the blue light suddenly extinguished, plunging the entire chamber into darkness, except…

The eyes not 20 feet away open and are blood-red. And a red light begins to fill the chamber as Celene begins to grow in size.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Not what I was expecting.

SEAN (AS CELENE)

Oh Blathoxil. My little Blathoxil. You have no idea what you’ve done. You will spend a lifetime in agony, feeling yourself destructing over and over when I am done with you. You will feel the full brunt of my anger.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look, it’s Blat, Darcy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey Blat! Blat! Over here, buddy!

SEAN

Two tiny figures emerge from a side passageway, the door closing behind them, off, far down below you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I was right. We are going to die together.

OUTTAKE

SEAN

It’s a busy street with people walking, carrying bags…

I’m gonna start that again.

CARTER

They’re not carrying bags. That was stupid.

Laughter.

SEAN

That was so stupid. F——Sean, come on. Come on!

It’s a busy street. The smell of diesel, and it’s a sunny day as large vehicles honk and make their way down this busy…

The busy street that’s already a busy street.

MARISA

(laughs)

It’s really busy.

MIKE

It’s like, you guys don’t even know super busy this street is.

CARTER

But no one was carrying bags.

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

A Fable and Folly production.