Our reunited adventurers make their way back toward the Academy, but stop off at the Temple Idris, where they find some familiar faces – and a few surprises.
Don’t forget to check out this week’s recommended podcast: Dark Dice!
The Peeps This Week:
- GM: Sean Howard
- Players: Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King
- Story Consultant: Laura Packer
- Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
- Sound Design and Music: Eli McIlveen
Content Warning: Panic, shouting, confusion, yada yada; separation, fire and overeating.
ANNOUNCER
Previously, on The End of Time and Other Bothers:
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton… we might be the bad people right now.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Whaaat?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t want to be a prophet of Morrigu!
SEAN (AS THE PRIESTESS)
Slaad! Kill the little one.
MARISA
(gasps)
SEAN (AS A SLAAD)
Lazbo will fight the little one.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
The little—who’s the little one?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Bazooka!
SEAN
And lightning races down over all the wood and strikes in at Blat. One of the giant limbs tears off the tree.
SEAN (AS CELENE)
Sanctify this temple again to the goddess of your choosing.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We choose Loxsyn to be the goddess of—!
SEAN (AS CELENE)
Are you sure, Blat?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Shattering!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Shattering!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Found it!
SEAN (AS THE VOICE OF THE SHATTERING)
So, to stop me, you’re going to march on entire worlds, and massacre everyone in them.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Aren’t you trying to end time?
SEAN (AS JILL)
What’s happening? Aaaaa!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Holy crackers!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
They took Jill!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you by any chance Jacklyn?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Why do you have Jill’s bucket?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uh-oh.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, that’s kind of our bucket now—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Aaaaargh!
The sound of a bucket whacking Eggerton in the head.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
You have to help me find Jill!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Where were the two goddesses that were fighting each other just a moment ago?
MARISA (AS KANGAROO DARCY)
(explanatory grunts)
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Darcy says the goddesses were tricked by a series of other gods to go to the moon and battle it out for infinity.
MARISA (AS KANGAROO DARCY)
(emphatic grunt)
THE TEMPLE
SEAN
We hear the sound of crickets on a hot summer day as we find our three adventurers walking down a familiar path—bedraggled, sweaty, but so happy to be out of that ice cave.
And ahead of them, rising out of the forest, is the top of the burned and somewhat destroyed but still standing Temple Idris.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, hold on. I’m pretty sure this time I can get it out of my shoe.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh boy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
And—ahh, there it is! It was an ice shard. Blat! It was an ice shard. Can you believe that? All this time it was ice and it didn’t melt. I… there was something about that cavern that was just not quite right.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Look up.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ohhhhh.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Thank you.
So, something’s happened to both the Academy of the Fallen and Temple Idris?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That tracks.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(sighs)
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Now when you say “something”, are you specifically referring to Darcy causing its destruction? Or…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait, now. I did not cause the destruction of the Temple Idris. Maybe the Academy of the Fallen?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So by “maybe” you mean “definitely”…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
And by “not” you mean “maybe”.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You said that Cyrus didn’t really tell you exactly what happened, and he seemed fine, right?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, alive, yes. A little sad actually. I think we need to maybe take him out for tea one time.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Gee, that’s a change for him—sad. So different.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
But you were there also. So can’t we pin some of the blame for all of this on you as well?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I suppose if you were to use the transitive property in understanding how Darcy’s release of the Shattering inside the Academy of the Fallen… then yes, some of it could fall on me. But…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
He was the general at the time.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ahhhh.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I was the general. I was a general. I did lose my hat, so I’m not the general anymore, I don’t think—although this bowl is quite nice. I don’t… I’m not feeling general-ish anymore. I’m feeling less general. More specific.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I think you’re quite general.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! Well, all we know is, I certainly am not to blame as I was possessed by an evil force at the time.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, you mean the evil force that blew up the Temple Idris?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I see.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, we’re all to blame for everything. At least we’re sharing the burden.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, we’re… we’ll spread it around.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, let’s go see if we can find Lazbo.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah. And does anyone have a copy of our insurance policy?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We… we had an insurance policy?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I hope so. Look at that tree!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Lazbo? Lazbo, are you here?
SEAN
Ahead on the path, you see a figure in a white robe, hunched over—quite large with long arms down to the ground. It’s a Slaad, and the hooded figure turns when you shout “Lazbo”, and you see a familiar face, except you’ve never seen Lazbo in a white robe before. And Lazbo starts coming towards you slowly.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Lazbo! Lazbo! How are you?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I’m sorry, I don’t believe we have met.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What are you—what are you talking about? It’s Darcy. We had a whole thing with flying alligators, and we were gonna go to the ice castle and then we got split up. It’s me! It’s me, Darcy.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Oh, yes. Darcy. Oh, I see the symbol of Loxsyn. Are you also a priestess of Loxsyn?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I… I’m not a priestess, and neither are you, I don’t think?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Allow me to introduce myself to you all. My name is Sister Lazbo, at your service.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game the set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall.
Episode 27: Something Else Again.
SISTER LAZBO
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I see you have journeyed to the Temple Idris. Allow me to usher you and your somewhat confused friend into the Temple.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
She is often somewhat confused.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
But I…
(sighs)
I don’t know anymore.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
See?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, this isn’t a parallel dimension or something, is it?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh no. That would be bad.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Parallel… no, I assure you, I am merely Lazbo, the Keeper of the Temple.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So Lazbo, did this priestessing thing happen to you recently? Within the last day or so?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
No, I have been a priestess of the Temple my entire life.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(mutters)
Parallel universe, parallel universe!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
When would we have crossed into a parallel universe?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
When don’t we cross into parallel universes? All the comings and goings and ups and downs and gods and goddesses—oh, lord. I’m surprised we’re all three of us in the same dimension right now.
SEAN
And you hear a familiar voice shout out from the doorway of the temple, and it is Jacklyn.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Darcy?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jacklyn?!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Darcy!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What are you doing here?
SEAN
Jacklyn starts running towards you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hello! I can’t believe you’re here! What’s going on?
SEAN
And impacts with Darcy in a giant bear hug.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(laughing)
Oh! Oh my gosh. It’s good to see you too.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
See, now I know we’re in a parallel dimension because I don’t know who this person is, but they seem to know who you are.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, that’s Jacklyn.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
See? Now you’re in a different parallel dimension than me!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
How do you know who that is?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Wait, if we’re in different parallel dimensions, how are we talking?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t know how it works!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jacklyn. Jacklyn, can you tell me what’s been going on?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
You found Blat.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah. Yeah, we did! We found our friend Blat, right.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I’ve been waiting… You left me here.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh. Yeah, yeah, I guess we did. I think… I think things just got a little crazy and, uh…
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
But you came back.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes. We always come back, ha ha.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I don’t know. I…
(whispers)
It’s been a little strange here.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Jacklyn, what happened to all of the other Slaad? There was a ton of Slaad here but—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
No, we don’t… we don’t talk—
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
What do you mean, lots of other Slaad? There hasn’t been a circle with Slaad in a millennia.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
A millennia, huh?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh, salad! Salad. We were talking about salad. Didn’t there used to be a salad bar here? Who likes croutons?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I like croutons…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh good. Well, why don’t you and I go over here, while we let the other people discuss, um… salad-related issues.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Oh, you have salad? Okay, I’ll come with you.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ugh! Salad.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Let’s not talk about salad, Eggerton. We… there were more Slaad, Jacklyn. Where are they all?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I know there were. I don’t know! I was in the forest with Mother Speckley when suddenly, I turned around and she and all the Slaad were gone.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So it’s just you and Lazbo?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah, I came running back to the tree and… I thought you all might be gone. I thought… I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been debating whether to stay or not. And I keep deciding to stay and wait for you. I’m glad to see you’re back.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, we’re all back now. And we should figure this out, because we also have to find Jill and maybe it’s all related.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I have information on that. But… yeah, I haven’t. I don’t know what to do with Lazbo. I—they’re—she now is very different than they were.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What happened? Because last time Lazbo was just Lazbo.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I know. I don’t know. I don’t understand.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Where did they get the robe?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I came back and Lazbo was like this and she keeps going on about how she’s been here alone—I think she’s lonely—for a very long time. As a keeper of the temple. She doesn’t know who Mother Speckley is, she doesn’t know anything I’ve asked. Oh, she’s coming back.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You see, and and that’s why there’s a sneeze guard.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Oh, I see. I will look into this at once.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Absolutely. So! Have we figured anything out over here?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Absolutely not!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, well, it’s par for the course.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Well, I’m somewhat hungry. Would anybody like a Helen?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, that sounds like a delicious sandwich.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
It is a sandwich. Please, come into the Temple.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
All right, well, why don’t we go in and you can tell me about these flying alligators. They sound kind of dumb.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I’ve never seen a flying alligator. Come with me. I’ll take you to the sandwich station.
MARISA
And we all follow Lazbo into the temple.
INSIDE THE TREE
SEAN
We are high up over the tree that is open to the elements in its charred center, and circling, coming down closer and closer. And we see a small figure, a flightless fae, following a robed Slaad off towards the kitchen as Darcy, Jacklyn and Blat gather near the altar.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So you’re saying you’re the only two here now?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah, well, there are sometimes people that come through. But yeah, there’s no one else.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You mean travelers. When you say people.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah, like visitors to the temple… it’s very strange.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah! It’s a little strange that a whole bunch of Slaad could just disappear along with Mother Speckley.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Have you been down to the basement where that pool is where you can see things in it?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah, it doesn’t seem to do anything when I look at it, but… it never has.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Great.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, perhaps Lazbo has simply snapped and, well, is just happy now handing out sandwiches with female names to the occasional passerby. And who are we to interrupt that life choice?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah. I don’t think Lazbo’s very happy but… but yeah, she seems content, doing what she’s doing. I did find this in a letter down in the basement…
SEAN
And so Jacklyn pulls out a piece of parchment and hands it over to Darcy. And it says… somewhere, I have it here… So it’s basically a letter from what appears to be a Mother Helen to Sister Lazbo. And it covers some of the just, basic things of how much food and supplies are being sent in the next shipment. And then it has a curious last paragraph that reads: “All signs suggests that the Beast’s base of operation currently resides in Paradox.”
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So you just found this?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I may have stolen it.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
From Lazbo?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yes, Sister Lazbo.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So there’s a Mother Helen…
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
And we don’t know where they are.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Right.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
But this definitely mentions Paradox, which might be in a bit of a shambles related to something I may or may not have done, and potentially behooves me to go and see what happened there—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
You have to bring me this time. If “the Beast” is what I think it might be then that might lead us to Jill.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That’s true. I think. I think all paths are going to lead to Jill and the Shattering, actually. Yes, you should definitely come with us. And we should tell the others.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Plus, take a look at this. This is a rather large onion shipment that’s getting sent here every so often. Who knew there was so many onions in a Helen?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jeez, does Lazbo like onions that much?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
She pickles them.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Ah, that makes sense. Yeah.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
They’re actually quite good on a sandwich with the horseradish mustard. I highly recommend it.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So do we bring Lazbo with us?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I think? I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do. I was gonna head out but then I… kept waiting for you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, well, I think we need to head back to Paradox. Eggerton! Are you done over there?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah, we’re just eating some sandwiches…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, are they… are they good?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
They are the best.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Thank you, thank you Eggerton.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Did you save one for me?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
…Yes. But… but then something bad happened to it.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You ate it, didn’t you?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, I was walking.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Mm hmmm.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
And the sandwich magically jumped up in the air and attacked me!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Mm hmm. Right.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Can you believe it? The only defense I had was to take a bite out of it! But then it just got angrier. So I had to take another bite, and another, and before you know it—crumbs,
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I thought you thought no one else wanted sandwiches.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ahem! Uh, so maybe we should discuss this plan we’ve got! To do things. Elsewhere.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We’re going back to Paradox.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I thought you said all you needed was mustard.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So, Paradox! Ha ha, that sounds fun! Let’s all get ready to go. Maybe we should get some sandwiches for the road, Sister Lazbo?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Okay, I can do that.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay. And by the way, I’m really impressed with what you’re doing with the mustard these days.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Thank you.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I think you’ve really brought up the game for the region. And I’m really hopeful that in the next Mustard Quarterly, you’re going to get profiled. I know someone who works there sometimes, so I’m going to put in a good word for you. No promises! I don’t want to promise things I can’t keep.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
That would be amazing. I—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So. Sister Lazbo.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Yes, yes. Oh, I’m sorry. You are Dar… Dar…?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Darcy.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Darcy, yes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you interested in joining us on our journey to Paradox or are you staying here?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I believe you’ve already joined with me. You wear the symbol of Loxsyn.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, yes, I do. But I still don’t know if that means you’d like to travel with us. Or do you have to stay here overseeing your temple and the onion shipments?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
How… how do you know about the onion?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Wait, wait, what kind of onions are we talking about here?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know. I can smell them. That’s how I know. There’s a very oniony smell in this place.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
It’s the secret ingredient to my Helens.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(gasps)
Of course it is.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Is it onions?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Hmph! And I was being nice to you! I’ve never!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m—I’m sorry Lazbo I don’t actually know what the secret ingredient is. It was just a wild—
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
It was onions!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, there’s… different sorts of onions. Who knows what sort that is?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
I’ll get your sandwiches! You may all leave at once!
SEAN
And Lazbo tromps off.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Darcy, I cannot believe you did that. I am just so, so ashamed right now that you would guess someone’s secret ingredient in polite company. I just…
(sighs)
We’re going to need to sit down and talk about this later.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I think you’re just upset because you couldn’t guess what the secret ingredient is—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, you know, I think maybe we should all just get our stuff together and get ready to go.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m just saying, you’re supposed to be a gourmand. You’ve eaten like fifty of these and you didn’t know.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Look—fifty is… polite. Thank you for that. I have been trying to cut back. However, maybe we should all just get our stuff ready. There is some things you should know about Paradox, Blat. Um, I was there recently, and it seems that some of the people are just a little bit grouchy.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Because the Academy of the Fallen got blewed up?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I see. Just like this place got blewed up?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Uh… maybe a little more blued? Like think violet-ed up.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(sighs)
So really, no different than where we were before, except now we’ve got some traveling sandwiches.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, we have—are the sandwiches ready?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
(sullen)
Here are the sandwiches.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Excellent. I’ll carry those. And I guess we’re ready to go now, right?
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
(bitterly)
And you can tell everyone the secret! I will spend the next ten years of my life perfecting a different secret sandwich.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh, Sister Lazbo, I’m very sorry—
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
It’s done.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I wish you all the blessings of Loxsyn and… and I hope that everything goes well with you from now on.
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
Thank you. I hope you travel safely.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Thank you.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I mean, is it a red onion? A sweet onion? We don’t know!
SEAN (AS LAZBO)
That’s it! You can leave now! All of you! Out! Out!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right.
ON THE ROAD
SEAN
We return to the road, the scent of rain still on the air, as the four dripping-wet adventurers, now, with Jacklyn in tow with their bucket held dearly, they make their way on the road—the very long road—back towards Paradox. And night will soon be falling.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Jacklyn, did you catch any of the rain in that bucket by chance?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Could I have a sip? Because I already went through my canteens.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Uh, okay.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, here we go!
(slurping noises)
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Uh…
Eggerton goes on slurping.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Give me the bucket. Gimme!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ahhh. Thank you.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Fine.
(sighs)
How much further is it?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, it’s far enough that I think we’re gonna have to camp for the night.
So what about over there in that clearing?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Fair enough. I will have the first watch.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Oh, maybe we should prepare for camp? I can do some of that.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Prepare for…? Well, we have a bucket and sandwiches. What else do we have to camp it up?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I thought we could make a fire.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! Make a fire. Well actually, I’m pretty good at making fire. As you can… see!
A fire blazes up.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
There we are!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Whoa, the whole log’s—that log’s on fire!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh yes, yes, I’m… All right, I’ll be honest, I’m not very good at putting fires out, but uh… This should keep people toasty as we, uh, lie on this grass to sleep. All right, so the grass is getting a bit hot over here. You know, maybe the clearing isn’t the best bet. Maybe we should walk a little further down the road before we—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Eggerton, your cloak!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Whoa!
Panic ensues. Eggerton screams.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
Eggerton rolls and manages to put his cloak out.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now you see if we had a bucket of water, that would have been easily fixed,
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But then I would have nothing to drink.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You could have drunk half of it, and then we could have poured the other half onto your blazing body.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Listen. Luckily the grass is still wet from the rain and you haven’t burned down the entire forest, Blat. I think we could still camp here the fire is containing itself nicely. Let’s just all try and get some sleep.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Do we have a tent?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Sure, right here. Why would I have a tent?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I dunno, we’re sleeping outside and I don’t have my relaxation sounds, I don’t have my little bubbling fountain, I don’t have my pillow, I don’t have my neck pillow, I don’t have my body pillow. I don’t have the fan that I’ve got that was magic by the gnomes that kind of just waves and makes nice light-sounding breezes—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We were almost just killed by the goddess of the moon. I think you should be grateful that you have the ability to sleep here at all, body pillow or no body pillow. Let’s just… let’s just enjoy the night air, shall we? I’m gonna be over here communing with Loxsyn. Nobody bother me for a few minutes.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I have an extra cloak you can use.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, what if we get some sticks and then we can—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
You’re not putting sticks through my cloak.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, maybe I’ll just curl up next to Blat here and—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, I’m on watch! I’m on watch.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, but you can—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I can’t watch with you just—here’s a bucket. Curl up with the bucket.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
He’s not curling up with my bucket!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
He has to curl up with something. Look! A collection of small pebbles.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ooooh! Those are nice.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Excellent. All right. I’ll be standing over here wondering how things have gone so wrong.
SEAN
And is Darcy communing?
MARISA
I’m communing!
SEAN
Can you read us Commune?
MARISA
No!
Laughter.
MARISA
Because I can’t find my page. Okay, there we go. Uh…
“When you spend uninterrupted time in quiet contemplation with your deity, you lose any spells already granted to you. You are granted new spells of your choice whose total levels don’t exceed your own level +1 and none of which is a higher level than your own level.” So that’s what I’m doing right now.
SEAN
Right. So you can reselect all of your spells.
MARISA
Yes.
SEAN
Your rotes stay.
MARISA
Talk amongst yourselves!
MIKE
If we’re having a sleep I get my HP back, don’t I.
MARISA
Yeah, well, I think we all do.
MIKE
Sean’s examining something. He’s considering. I think he can’t read it. It’s too close.
SEAN
I can’t. I’m getting old. Um, well, I know when you make camp you can level up…
MARISA
I don’t think we have any ability to…
SEAN
We’ve never really done this whole “sleep and you heal” thing. Hello, welcome to Dungeon World. Anybody see it on the sheets they have, of the basic and special moves? The one that says “Basic Moves”—there you go, and “Special Moves” on the back.
MIKE
Encumbrance… Make Camp! “When you settle in to rest, consume a ration. If you’re somewhere dangerous, decide the watch order as well. If you have ene—If you have enough XP you may level up. When you wake from at least a few uner—uninterrupted hours of sleep, heal damage equal to half your max HP.””
MARISA
Okay.
SEAN
I don’t think we should ask Michael to read anymore.
Laughter.
MIKE
I can—I…! People pay me to read things! Sometimes.
SEAN
They need to think about that.
MIKE
Ohh!
SEAN
Okay. Yeah. So let’s see how many hours of sleep you get and then you will go back to max.
MIKE
Do we roll 8?
SEAN
You get to heal damage equal to half your max HP.
MIKE
Okay, that’s 7 and a half points for me.
SEAN
Right. So let’s see if—
MIKE
Do I roll? Do I get to roll something?
SEAN
You don’t get to roll anything.
MIKE
Hmph. I’m gonna roll stuff.
SEAN
Okay, so Marisa, you’re communing.
MARISA
I’m still trying to find my other spells…
SEAN
(laughs)
MIKE
Why do you have so many pieces of paper?
MARISA
(laughs)
MIKE
We’ve got like four copies.
CARTER
Because she cares about the game.
MARISA
Here we go. All right. All right. Go ahead. Continue.
SEAN
She found them. We found the two sheets out of 32.
MIKE
Is “cares” the right word?
CARTER
Isn’t it?
MIKE
“Obsessively hoards papers” versus “cares”.
SEAN
Carter? Is Blat doing anything special?
CARTER
Blat is just staring off into the middle distance, wondering how things went so wrong when he was away for such a relatively short amount of time.
SEAN
And we haven’t really discussed this. Does… We can just play it out, you don’t have to answer—but does Blat remember everything that happened as Blathoxil?
CARTER
I think Blat remembers bits and pieces but not everything.
SEAN
Okay. Cool.
MIKE
So it’s sort of like remembering a dream.
CARTER
Sure.
SEAN
So we’ll write that down as the thing to do in the End Notes.
MARISA
I’m spelled up!
SEAN
Okay.
MIKE
Just say no to spells, kids.
SEAN
So you’re on first watch.
CARTER
Mm hmm.
SEAN
Who’s on next watch?
MIKE
Who’s on second?
(high-fives himself)
Self five!
CARTER
What’s on second.
MIKE
Aw, come on. I get points for the time.
SEAN
Who’s on third.
CARTER
I Don’t Know is on third.
Laughter.
SEAN
Who? Who’s on third?
CARTER
No, Who’s on first.
SEAN
Who’s on first.
CARTER
“I don’t know.” “Third base.”
Laughter.
MIKE
We’re funny.
SEAN
All right, who’s on second watch?
MARISA
Not me, I’m still communing.
MIKE
I was planning on sleeping straight through.
MARISA
So it’s Jacklyn.
SEAN
Okay, so Jacklyn.
MIKE
I’m curled up at Blat’s feet with a couple of pebbles.
MARISA
Then I guess I’ll take third watch. And then we’ll wake Eggerton up for fourth.
SEAN
Okay, so Blat, just do a Con check for me. So just roll 2d6.
A loud rattling noise.
MIKE
Giant d6.
SEAN
He’s rolling the…
MARISA
Ooo, a 9.
SEAN
Okay. Do you have a Con bonus?
CARTER
I do not.
SEAN
Okay.
MIKE
(looking over at the dice)
I legitimately thought that was 10 for a second and didn’t know why you were all counting wrong.
MARISA
So you can neither read nor do math.
CARTER
Correct.
Morning birdsong.
SEAN
So the good news is that nothing really bad happens.
MIKE
Nothing really bad happens…
SEAN
Yeah, the bad news is you wake up in the morning, and Blat had fallen asleep on watch and so everyone just wakes up in the morning and…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We’re awake!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(huge yawn)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m sorry, wasn’t someone supposed to take over for me? When I say “first watch” that means there has to be a second or more.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah, you’re supposed to wake up the next person, Blat. You just let Jacklyn sleep through. You must have fallen asleep.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Is that how it works?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That’s how it works!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’ve never done watch before.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Did you not take the watch classes with Moira at the Academy of the Fallen?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
There were watch classes?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
They were every Tuesday night—watch classes on how to do watch properly.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, I figured I didn’t need one because I’m wearing one right now. Look according to this it’s seven thirty… I want to call that a 2—7:32 in the AM.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Never mind.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Does anyone have any schmear for my bagel?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No. No, we don’t.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, I just—I thought—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Get yourself ready, we’re getting to Paradox,
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But I need to have breakfast first.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Why don’t you just eat a fairy cake?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, a thing happened with my fairy pouch and now I’ve just got these pocket fairy cakes. And I had to use some ingredients I’m not too familiar with. And there was a lot of stress at the time so I’m not sure—but you know, you’re right! You’re right. What could possibly go wrong?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No, wait—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’ll just eat this one here.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No, I don’t think you should—oh no.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I will take him drunk or stupid or whatever is going to happen, rather than all of this complaining.
SEAN
Roll for fairy cakes.
MIKE
That’s a 6! +1 for a 7.
SEAN
-1 because these are the batch.
MIKE
So a 6.
SEAN
Hard move time.
MIKE
Hard move. I don’t know what that means.
MARISA
What does that mean?
MIKE
I don’t know. I’ve never heard that phrase before.
MARISA
No.
ELI
Yes you have.
MARISA
Have we?
SEAN
Eggerton pops it in his mouth, swallows it, looks at you all like, See? Right?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Everything’s fine! I dunno!
SEAN
And then his eyes roll up in his head, he goes stiff as a board and he falls over backwards.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. That’s on me. I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t know that there were ones that could just kill you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Is he okay?! Eggerton!
MARISA
And I start shaking him.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I think he’s breathing. It’s hard to tell, like—His pulse. Can you feel his pulse?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah, I can feel something faint.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
That can’t be good, can it?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, we’ve done this before.
CARTER
And Blat picks up Eggerton by his arms, wraps his fists around his chest and just begins stabbing upwards.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Dah da da dah da da daaa…
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(heaves)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. It’s out?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(breathless)
What happened? Why does my chest hurt so much?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, that’s because I was just pounding on it.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So much… that hurt. Okay here, you know, I’ll just have a fairy cake—
CARTER AND MARISA (AS BLAT AND DARCY)
NO! NO!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(chomps)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton!
SEAN
(laughing)
Roll for fairy cakes, ‑1.
MIKE
That’s a 9, +1 is a 10, ‑1 is a 9.
MARISA
All right.
MIKE
So!
MARISA
Is that still a partial?
SEAN
Yeah, that’s a partial success. So you roll—first of all, everyone gets half their hit points back from sleeping, we didn’t do that.
MIKE
Yeah. So I’m at full.
SEAN
Right. And now you would get more, potentially.
MIKE
So let’s roll the d8 anyway and just see what it is, because it’s a good habit to have. If I can find my d8. It’s the one with the 8.
SEAN
That’s it there.
MIKE
5.
SEAN
Okay. And Eggerton is now…?
CARTER
Speaking in tongues.
SEAN
Speaking in tongues.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(growls)
Florxen eex vork hoff!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh brother.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Flokkin snurrrr!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Is this supposed to happen?
Eggerton goes on muttering.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
There’s sometimes side effects to his fairy cakes, which is why I’m taking these fairy cakes—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Obsin neeker!
MARISA
And I take the pouch, and I throw them as far as I can into the forest.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
ROLFIT SNOKER FLOOKEN NAA!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That’s right, you’re gonna make a new batch that’s actually going to be good and not full of ingredients you don’t have any idea about.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Sneekol hluken aagh.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You can say that to me all you like but we’re going to Paradox right now and you’re not eating any more fairy cakes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Snikken snu!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Fine. I don’t need to talk to you either.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Hmph!
MARISA
And I start off down the road.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Let me get my bucket.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Let’s go, Jacklyn.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(mutters unintelligibly)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Thnicken snu!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So! Eggsy! Why don’t you tell me all about the fascinating job that you held in the future?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Hlacka slooken irnknu—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! I’m sorry! I can’t understand a word you’re saying! I guess we can’t talk about this any more!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Wuh wujipidigibada—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Tell me about the exact, perfect recipe for the best kind of fairy cakes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Flits snid snickt—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! No idea what you’re saying, nope, gonna have to move on to something else…
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Do you think we could speed up a little and get a little further ahead?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes. Yeah, maybe a light jog. That’s good for getting everything going in the morning.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Yeah, I’m with you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Let’s go.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So, Eggsy, why do you think they’re running so quickly?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(“I dunno” noise)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well. You’ve caught on quickly. Well, that wasn’t as much fun as I thought.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Flikin slulukim, blingin sloo flee flah.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, shut up.
MIDROLL
ANNOUNCER
It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.
SEAN
Hey everyone, welcome back to the main storyline. How long did that take to come back to? We’ve got a lot of fun surprises coming in this episode.
But first, it’s time to give some shout outs to some amazing old timers—I still haven’t come up with a better name for all of you amazing people who have been with us since the beginning. So I want to give a shout out to Lyndsey L. Werner, Elin Feldmann, Penina Finger, Christopher Gronlund and Maxamillian John. You are all so amazing and I just adore you all.
And I also want to welcome some new patrons. It is so amazing to see new people coming in and supporting the show and getting excited . So let’s give a warm welcome to Kathleen Whittaker, Beth Duckles, Tate Hollander, Barnacles and Haley. Thank you all so much.
And I hope you guys are all checking out all the amazing stuff we’ve been dropping, because it’s been crazy and we have more planned. Farlorian Fridays are every Friday, so every patron at every level has been getting access to The End of Time retrospective of all 26 episodes, that was pretty amazing; ring tones we released in June, the End Notes for Episode 26, that was epic. And one of my favourite bonus scenes ever: Eggerton having a nightmare. All of that and more is available to all you patrons, and so thank you all so much for supporting us.
Last shout out I want to do is to a show that I’m told at some point you might hear my voice on. It’s a live play called Dark Dice. It’s a horror actual play D&D podcast that uses immersive soundscapes to create this extra layer of creepy—and man, does it get creepy. It is super fun. Six travelers embark on a journey into the ruinous domain of the Nameless God. And I hear at one point it goes a little comedy, because they bring in Russ and Sean—Dumbgeons and Dragons and End of Time. How cool is that? That’s coming soon. Anyways, I just want to say thanks to you all, and let’s get you back to the story.
MUTINY
MIKE
Okay, everybody. Sean got us here early. It’s Saturday, it’s like 40,000 degrees outside, we’re gonna have to sit up here—maybe we can all just, you know, just hammer this one out quick. Do we really need to do an hour-long episode every time?
CARTER
Absolutely not.
MIKE
All right, so what’s our—Marisa, what’s our strategy? How are we going to get him to agree to a two-minute episode?
MARISA
Um, we could drug him.
MIKE
With what?
MARISA
I’m thinking something in the tea that makes them really sleepy and he doesn’t even notice that we haven’t done an hour episode.
MIKE
Okay, well, I did just buy this Draught of Sleeping…
MARISA
Is it called Blatavan?
MIKE
Sadly no, but it was next to the Blat Repair Shop.
MARISA
Oh, okay.
MIKE
But I feel like if we just put a couple drops into his tea that should slow him down enough that we can get away with this. Here, Carter, why don’t you take this and put a couple drops into his tea.
CARTER
Is this necessary? ’Cause it’s pretty hot in here and I’m feeling sleepy because of it.
MIKE
(also sleepy)
No, I’m sure we’ll be fine. If we just you know, get that into his tea and then we can all just do the episode. We’ll do that before he gets up here.
SEAN
Hey everyone! I am so excited for today! Oooo, I’ve never been this excited! Look at you! Come on! Come on come on bring it bring it bring it…
MARISA
Give him the drops. Give him the drops now.
MIKE
Just put the whole bottle in.
MARISA
Yup.
CARTER
Aaand topped it off.
SEAN
Aw, look at that! You’re filling up my tea! Hey, everyone just joining us! Remember to go to patreon.com/albasalix to contribute and make some amazing magic happen! Or you can go to otherbothers.com.
MIKE
Uh—
SEAN
Oh my god, wait till you guys hear what I prepared—
MIKE
Sean. Sean, have this cup of tea. Just drink that.
SEAN
Oh, than you so much.
MIKE
Have a sip.
SEAN
Oh yeah, so good. So good. I just want to say that—
(starts slurring and falls over)
MARISA
Yay, we adventured! Done.
MIKE
Yeah. It’s otherbothers.com. Let’s go to the pool, guys.
IN FROM THE STORM
SEAN
It is approaching midday—except the sky has grown inky black. The wind has picked up making it hard to walk. And lightning crashes down, the thunder right on its tails, lighting up everything around the party as they struggle forward, their cloaks huddled around their bodies. And ahead of them is an old rickety building: a two story house that seems almost out of place, almost from the future in its style. Almost reminding you of Steadfast in how it is built. And it is just off the trail.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(shouting over the wind)
Well, when I thought I destroyed Paradox, I didn’t think I actually would change weather patterns! This is crazy! The wind keeps whipping things in my face—maybe we need to stop at this… strange building? It looks so weird.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I don’t think we should stop there!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No no no no, wait. We’re just gonna call this a win. We’re from the future, we worked our way into the past, we did some… deeds both good and questionable, yada yada yada; we’re back in our time. Okay! So we’re just gonna spend the night in here and then starting tomorrow, I’m gonna see if my job still exists!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Your logic is very questionable!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I’m sorry! Everything that we do here is just so logical!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(shouting over the wind)
What?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, are you speaking in a normal fashion again?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What? Oh, I can finally understand you better!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You couldn’t understand me?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well no, I kept talking and then you just didn’t listen. It was very confusing!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ugh, you’re very confusing…
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Look! This looks like our architecture.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, the haunted house over here!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, I wouldn’t say it’s haunted…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, we don’t know. Most of the time the things we encounter are haunted or zombified…
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
This storm is very strange. I don’t know about going into a strange-looking house that’s never—that just doesn’t look like it belongs here!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You think we should forge ahead in this storm, Jacklyn? You can barely hold on to your bucket!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I know! I know. It just seems a little like, I don’t know, those stories they tell around the fire!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Blat, go look in a window and see if you see anything.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh yes, this won’t cause any problems. “Hello! I’m a big demon! Mind if I peep at you?”
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, do it with subtlety. Don’t let them see you.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Woah, woah, Eggerton! I got you.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Aaa! Aaaah! Updraft! Aaaaagh! Hold on!
Okay! Woah. Okay, that was a big gust. Maybe we should just go inside before I I fly away—and not fly away like I would like to fly away? Because flying away with my wings, that’d be kind of neat, but they’ve never really worked. But I feel like if I fly away right now, it’s not gonna be a good flying—
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
What?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay. Okay, everyone huddle against this wall. Huddle against the wall.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Huddle up! Huddle!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Blat! Blat, what do you see in the window?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, let’s see. Well, it’s dark. And…
SEAN
You see a table, fully set with a meal, once your eyes adjust—candlelight flickering. And a gentleman is sitting at the very end of it and is looking right back at you. You’d say… it looks like a man who is so skinny, like stick-figure almost, skinny. He’s wearing a slate-gray top hat on his head, some kind of suit and jacket, and the sharpest nose you’ve ever seen. And he’s clearly looking right at you as he gestures at the seats at the table.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, here’s the deal. There’s a guy in there that looks like that he’s from a little bit further in this present time period, but not quite in the time period that we’re from. However. Eggsy, you still got those 30 credits that you won off of me?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I do!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Good. We’ll probably need them for legal tender to pay off this guy, because well, he’s got food and lodging.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
There’s food? Let’s go!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait! Wait!
MIKE
And Eggerton runs into the house.
The door opens, and closes behind Eggerton.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Dahh! Has it ever ended well for us when people have food set out? Remember? That’s how we met Celene!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ohhh, that’s right…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Arghh! Now we have to go get him!
MARISA
And I… am I able to just crack the door open a little bit?
SEAN
Yeah, the door creaks open.
MARISA
Okay.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(whispers)
Eggsy? Eggerton?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So anyway, we just saved the universe. We’re still trying to save time and I’m super-duper hungry. And this all looks delicious. Thank you so much for inviting us into your home, sir.
SEAN (AS THE MAN)
(a smug, officious little voice, with perhaps a touch of Kermit the Frog)
Yes, please help yourself.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, I’m gonna have some of these pleather things here and—oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, do you have a kitchen?
SEAN (AS THE MAN)
Yes, of course! But the food is prepared for you, to your liking. You will find fairy cakes at your setting.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What? Oh! Oh! There are fairy cakes!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton! Eggerton! Stop!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m gonna eat all the—what?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No. Stop.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But there’s fairy cakes. There’s fairy cakes. I see them.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Stop. Don’t touch that.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That one’s purple. It’s a little swirly!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No. No. No. Stop. Stop it.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Just one.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hold it.
Eggerton scarfs down the fairy cake.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Argh!
SEAN
(laughing)
Roll for fairy cakes.
MIKE
It’s an 8.
SEAN
You are… hysterical.
MIKE
I’m always hysterical.
SEAN
So you gain hit points, and you are hysterical.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Darcy! Darcy! This fairy cake! It was incredible! Woah! Have you—what’s on your plate?! Oh wow, you gotta try what’s on your plate. I bet it’s incredible!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, just don’t touch any more food.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What? What?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uh… just go over there. Over there in the corner.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Over there? What’s over there?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Blat! Get in here!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, okay, I’m gonna go over there!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, buddy, what’s going on?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Over here! This is the wildest corner I’ve ever been in! This corner is off the hook!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
He had a fairy cake.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Of course he did.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, I’m gonna come back to the table.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay. All right.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So, he says that we can have anything we want and the food is prepared to our liking!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m sure he does.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That was a really good—what’s happening?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m not sure. You’re eating and you’re freaking out. Why would you freak out?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Aaaa! Aaa!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Put your head between your legs. Put your head between your legs. Head between your legs.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Head between my—okay, my heads are between my legs. Why am I so close to the ground, Darcy?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, you’re short, for one thing.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay! Okay!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Shhhh.
Now listen, mister. Who are you? And why do you have so much food prepared?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m Eggerton! It’s not my food!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m not talking to you, Eggerton.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m talking to the man in the hat.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh yeah, right. I… I have a hat but it’s a helmet.
SEAN (AS THE MAN)
The name is Derek von Frompton. His Lordship wishes to repay you for the assistance you granted, with food and lodging.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Whose lordship? What assistance? What are you talking about?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. Let’s pump the hate brakes here. We don’t know if this is a bad situation or not.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Fine, Blat. Why don’t you take over?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Yes. Blat, it is a pleasure to meet you.
SEAN
And the gentleman stands—again, a little too tall, a little too skinny—doffs his hat to you and gestures at a plate that has been set for you that is filled with an array of demonic foods you haven’t seen since your childhood.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! Lord, it’s been so long since I’ve eaten charcoal. Ahh, prepared to my liking! Oh, this is fabulous.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Well, yes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So, you see Darcy? It’s not that bad. Just sit down, take a load off.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you seriously—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Take a load off, Darcy! It’s not that bad!!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you seriously eating food that’s been prepared for you by a stranger? Have you learned nothing? Now listen, mister.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Ah, yes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I want some answers.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Very well.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Because most of the time, these idiots get us into all sorts of trouble by not asking questions. So, I’m asking you, who are you and who do you work for?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
I have told you the truth. I am Derek von Frompton. And I work for his Lordship, of the mighty army of the Shattering—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Gah! You see!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Did he say the Shattering?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes! He said the Shattering!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
He said the Shattering! Ohh Loxsyn!
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
I’m not happy with this, but I have been sent explicitly to grant Darcy assistance for her assistance that she granted us.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
When did I ever assist—ohhhh.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That was when you let the Shattering in! And it killed everyone! And it was terrible!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah… that’s what I think he’s talking about.
SEAN
Jacklyn is really clenching their bucket and stepping away from you, Darcy.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uhhh… well, I didn’t mean to assist the Shattering, and I think the Shattering knows that.
SEAN
And Jacklyn charges you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
W‑wait!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
AAAAARGH!
SEAN
—and the man gestures and Jacklyn disappears in a puff of smoke.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What did you do? Where’s Jacklyn?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Where’s Jacklyn? Oh my lord we lost Jacklyn!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Again.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
We’ve lost Jacklyn again! It’s all happening again! Oh no!
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
My apologies. It was very little time to react but you were our guest of honor and they were clearly about to attack you.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What—where did they go? You didn’t hurt them, did you?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Hmm. Let me check. Ah, no, I don’t believe I have hurt them.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
They are a friend of ours. Unlike you. So bring them back right now.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Very well. But in order to do that, I must rebuild my power.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, okay—
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
So which of you wishes to be touched?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No. Back away.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Huh? What? I’m sorry—the charcoal briquette is very fine, but I’m afraid we must draw the line at the touching.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Oh well, I must not touch you if I don’t have to bring them back. But if you want them back, I must rebuild that power. So I have used all I had reserved. I suppose I could go hunt for some person on the street, or on the path, wherever it is we are, some unsuspecting soul—and suck their life energy in order to return your friend.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(weakly)
Okay. Okay. So… that was a really good fairy cake, thank you. But um, are you not sure where we are right now?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
No, I’m afraid I don’t know where we are right now. I was simply sent, ha ha—I was sent here, yes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But it’s windy outside, so you probably don’t want to go outside.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Yes. Well, why don’t we just conclude the business and then we can both go on our way, since neither of us wishes to be here at this time.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You don’t want to be here?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
No, I love babysitting a bunch of idiots.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, then why wouldn’t you want to be here if it’s what you love?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, Eggsy, sit down. Alright, I’ll put my half-demonic self versus the Shattering top-hatted assistant any day of the week. Do what you gotta do to get Jacklyn back.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
You wish to be touched?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t wish to be touched. But I’m… willing to do whatever in order to get someone back.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I am not going through any more adventures with you talking like some husky woodsman or something like that. You are—
SEAN
The figure—shoom!—like, turns into liquid almost, as he leans incredibly far forward, a hand striking Blat right in the chest as dark energy begins to pour out of Blat’s eyes into his mouth—and Blat’s back starts to arch backwards. Someone roll a d6 for me?
MARISA
I will roll a d6, since I haven’t rolled yet.
It’s a 3!
SEAN
It’s a 3. You feel more than hear the scream coming from Blat as his soul is sucked into the mouth of this man, who starts to grow a little fatter.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Ahh! I need a bit more! We’re almost there! Just one more!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Stop drinking Blat!
SEAN
Roll another d6 unless someone does something…?
MARISA
3.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
And there we go!
SEAN
And he suddenly pops back into his chair.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
(chortles)
Ahh. So good. Allow me just a moment to feel it before I bring your friend back.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Blat! Blat, what’s going on?
SEAN
Blat loses 6 hit points.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(manic from exhaustion)
And that is why we try to be a bit more polite to people.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Blat, quick! Have a fairy cake.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That’s a terrible idea! Give me a fairy cake.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Do not give him a fairy cake!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t feel well!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It’s all good. Here you go! There you go.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. It’s time to eat a fairy cake.
SEAN
Roll for fairy cakes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(gulps)
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Look how he just mashed it into his face.
MIKE
8. That’s an 8. I rolled an 8 again.
SEAN
(laughing)
That is a partial success. So Blat—roll how many hit points Blat gets back. He’s down 6 right now.
MIKE
Mm hmm. 6.
SEAN
+1.
MIKE
7.
SEAN
Blat, you are returned to full health. However, you are now… not confused, but…
MIKE
Disoriented?
MARISA
Loopy?
SEAN
Oh, even better: Blat, you believe everything around you is a conspiracy.
MARISA
But that’s Darcy.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
So good.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. I understand what’s happening.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh good, good! Okay, so why—why did he drink you?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Why did he drink me?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Because he works for Big Dishware, that’s why! You ever notice that allll this food is underneath dishes? He’s just trying to sell us dishes! Why? To put food on it that we like, so that it’s more enticing.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
I will not have you malign my side project. These dishes are of the highest quality!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I thought so! All right, try something like that again and this dinner plate gets tossed to the ground. That’s right! I’m willing to do it!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Darcy, I did I miss a step?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I think it’s your fairy cakes again, Eggerton.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, these ones aren’t my fairy cakes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, fine, his fairy cakes.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
But you requested to be touched!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I requested to be touched, though I didn’t really want to be touched. You’re very touchy with your dish sellin’ and your soul stealin’.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Fine! You told want to achieve Top Seller in this region—which has no salespeople!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What—how can I sell this stuff?! I’m walking around. I don’t have a card or a wagon or anything! What, I’m just gonna put a plate down my pants and hope someone will buy that from me?!
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
The top seller gets a car!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
A… a what?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
A car.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, those are very angry. You don’t want one of those.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay. All right. How much does this go for? Just one of these right here.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Uh I—
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
30 credits.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
30 credits! Sold! You’ve got 30 credits, pay the man!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We don’t need a plate! Why are you buying a plate?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
And you get a commission of 50%.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
50%?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So should I just give him 15 credits and you 15?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
No. You give me the 30.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I give you… okay, here’s, here’s 1… 2… 3…
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Give me the 30!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I am. 4… 5… 6…
MARISA
And I grab all the credits from Eggerton—
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Wha!
MARISA
—and I shove them in the hands of the top-hatted gentleman.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Yes. And now you get 15 here. And if anyone assisted you in that sale, they would get half of that.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, so—
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
And you would move up to manager in the program.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So what you’re saying is you’re helping him build a pyramid of sales.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
We don’t use the word “pyramid”.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, sorry.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, so I have 15 credits… and a plate. What if I want this glass? How much does that cost?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Stop it! Sit down! You, Crazy, go over there!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, wait a second! I think I’ve figured this out.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You! Top Hat! Bring back Jacklyn, right now!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah. Jacklyn.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Fine.
SEAN
And Jacklyn is back. swinging the bucket through the air, spinning around—and looking very disoriented.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Wha?! What? Huh?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jacklyn! Jacklyn! Just stop.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I was in the blackness again!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes, exactly. So calm down.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Calm down…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
When you swing your bucket it takes you to the blackness.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
What?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So stop swinging your bucket. How about that?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Calming down…
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I don’t think that’s tr—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hey. Shh.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, sorry.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay. All right, now everyone just—stay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Jacklyn! Would you like to buy a plate? It’s of the highest quality!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
They do not want to buy a plate. Stop it.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
(straining)
Rrrgh… not swinging the bucket…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But how much is the plate?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
The plate is—
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
30 credits.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
30 credits. I have 15—all right. How about this? The glass, a knife, a fork and the cloth napkin. How much would that be?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, get a spoon, get a spoon.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Spoon!
MARISA
And so I grab the edge of the tablecloth near my end, and I yank it so hard that all the tableware goes smashing to the ground.
Blat lets out a scream of anguish.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
NO!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh. oh no.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, let’s stop talking about tableware.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It’s okay, everyone, the food’s still good!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Do you two realize you’re dining with a representative of the Shattering? Do you realize this?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I don’t think we’re dining. I’m just eating stuff off the floor, and—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, stop it! No floor eating!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
‘Kay, but—
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
There is limit to how much I will put up with, even under orders!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Listen, Derek Von Evil. I don’t answer to your Shattering. And you better go back there and tell them that we don’t need any of their thank yous or their feasts—that we’re fine without you.
(quieter)
And also—what happened to Paradox?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Your questions are over.
SEAN
And with a popping sound of black smoke and tendrils, Derek von Frompton disappears.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(lets out a breath)
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What an unusual gentleman.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I knew it! So after all these months, your plan the entire time was this stop me from becoming an important dishware executive! I’m on to you, Darcy! Coming from the future just to stop a man from making a decent living with plates and glasses and cutlery and such.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It is kind of rude to, you know—like, he’s trying to build himself up into a new life trying to adjust and then just to take it all away like that. I mean, he can’t sell these plates now, look at them!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(gently)
Jacklyn.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Darcy was… was that the Shattering?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t think so? I think it was someone who’s part of the Shattering ensemble, if you will.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I need you to tell me what’s going on and who I can trust.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, I don’t really know what’s going on. But I will tell you this: I’m not part of the Shattering. And what he was referring to was a complete accident on my part, and I think Eggerton can support me on that.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
She opened up the thing that brought the Shattering inside—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
—by mistake.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, was pretty intentional because she didn’t know what it was going to do. Well, she knew what it was going to do, but didn’t really pay attention when she was told what it was gonna do.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I didn’t know what it was going to do.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You knew that when you were somewhere close to where the veil is thin or some such stuff, that the Shattering would come to you. And you were inside the Academy—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Thank you, Eggerton. Thank you. Thank you for your input.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
—and you opened it, so I’m not sure why you’re surprised that the Shattering then came to you inside the Academy.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I don’t care about any of that. I need to get Jill back.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
The only way you’re gonna get Jill back is to stick with us.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That’s probably true.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
Okay. All right. I’m gonna go look for food.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, there’s fairy cakes right here.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Do not eat any more fairy cakes!
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I’m not eating a fairy cake.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Wait!
Have you noticed that the walls are made out of the same building material as the ceiling? This means something.
SEAN
Scene!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard, and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie and Marisa King.
Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.
Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Story consultant: Laura Packer.
Game consultant: Stephen Smith.
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Evelyn Jones.
Check us out on Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our fabulous fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.
OUTTAKE
MARISA
I’m so confused.
MIKE
Uh-huh.
CARTER
You’re supposed to be.
ELI
I was expecting you to say “That sounds like a great sandwich.” “Sandwich?”
Laughter.
ELI
“Why, it’s a cake.”
MARISA
That’s good, Eli.
SEAN
(in Lazbo’s voice)
That’s good. I wish I’d thought of it.
CARTER
Monday morning improvving.