Darcy, Blat, Eggerton and Snegal prepare to rescue Jacklyn and Jill from the Shattering – but quickly run into trouble.
This week’s podcast recommendation is the sci-fi drama Girl In Space!
The Peeps This Week:
- GM: Sean Howard
- Players: Marisa King, Michael Howie and Carter Siddall
- Story Consultant: Laura Packer
- Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
- Sound Design and Music: Eli McIlveen
Content Warning: Screaming, panic, kidnapping, violence, angry mobs, malpractice, giant animals, cannibalism?
Fast-paced music.
ANNOUNCER
Previously, on The End of Time and Other Bothers:
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you by any chance Jacklyn?
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
I need to get Jill back!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
The only way you’re going to get Jill back is to stick with us.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
I am Derek von Frompton. I have been sent explicitly to grant Darcy assistance for her assistance.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Look at this!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
“Adventurers Wanted For Hazardous Journey. Safe return doubtful.—Snegal.”
CARTER (AS BLAT)
And somehow the offer from the Shattering seems more palatable.
SEAN
In the clearing ahead, next to the fae stone, you see a completely enclosed wagon painted every colour under the sun.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Snegal come up with plan to take back the Shattering. Snegal been very busy building the Blat Caravan!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Why is it bigger on the inside?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
This is a better wardrobe than I had in my era.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, hi Mister Bowl!
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Hey Eggerton!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Is Pfillllll-thi-tckkkkt with you?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, yes! Pfillllll-thi-tckkkkt made it out.
SEAN
Pfillllll-thi-tckkkkt backs away, but leaves there in front of you a gleaming mace.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now… we can do some adventuring.
SEAN
And that’s when you hear a blood-curdling scream from the hallway.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
AAAAAAGH!
INSIDE THE BLATAVAN
A grinding bass note—the sound of the Shattering.
SEAN
The caravan rocks suddenly, and Jacklyn’s scream from the corridor is cut off, and a strange dark bubbling sound makes its way into each room.
MARISA
I swing open my door and tear out into the corridor looking for Jacklyn. Do I see anything?
SEAN
You see the door open at the end of the hall, a darkness that’s too dark to be a colour creeping out in tendrils but framing a familiar figure: a gaunt, wasted figure of a man and a top hat who greets you.
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Ah yes! Darcy! It’s too bad you did not accept our invitation for work.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Von Evil! What are you doing here?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
It is Derek von Frompton at your service once again—
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t believe you’re at our service. I believe you’re here to create more evil! What’s happening?
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Ah, but I am merely reuniting Jacklyn with their friend.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You can’t take Jacklyn. I won’t let you! Eggerton! Blat! Help! Help!
SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)
Yes, yes, yes. Well, I’m afraid we already have, Darcy.
SEAN
And he just steps backward into the inky blackness, and swings the door shut.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No! No!
MARISA
And I run to the door and I’m pounding on it.
SEAN
The door is dissolving into a blank wall as you reach it, Darcy—disappearing under your fingers.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jacklyn! Eggerton! Blat! Where are you?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What are you doing to that wall?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I am… hurting my fingers and my knuckles—Jacklyn! Jacklyn’s gone!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Where did they go?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
The tall—the tall skinny—the guy from the dinner—the house on the trail—it’s… Jacklyn’s gone!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Derek von Frampton.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Sure, whatever! Yes. He just took Jacklyn!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Where did he take them?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know. He just said that he was taking them to reunite them with Jill.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, that’s nice! That’s what they wanted.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No! That’s not good, Eggerton. Jill is in a very bad place. We can’t lose Jacklyn too.
SEAN
There’s a sound behind you as you’re talking to Eggerton, Darcy, and it’s almost like something clunking down in place.
MARISA
And I look behind me…
SEAN
You see a brand new door made of ancient oak and like, metal engraving around the edges and massive hinges like out of some dungeon kind of environment.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Is Snegal still working on the architecture of this thing?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I presume as such.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
But… Snegal! Snegal! Where did this door come from? Snegal?
SEAN
There’s a pop.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Yes, hello Darcy! Snegal at your service.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal, this door just appeared here. Are you still magicking things? Where—what does this door go to? Why is this door here?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, this? Oho, I actually, I don’t know this door. Oh, interesting…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You don’t know this door. So this door doesn’t belong here.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Well, I may have chosen one of the doors sort of at random. It seems to have a mind of its own and change out every once in a while. Some of them I recognize.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So are you telling me this is a wandering door, Snegal? This is a door to somewhere you don’t know and have no idea?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Uh, no. I… yeah, that’s what I’m saying.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, what happens if we open it?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I don’t know! Do you want to open it?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m not sure. I think… Eggerton should open it.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, well, you know, I would… oh, ha ha, it’s made of wood, too. I would but I really think this is the kind of thing where Blat would want to be part of the conversation, because—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! His Evilship?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yes! Could you could you go get Blat for us and let him know that there’s a door and it’s made of wood and Jacklyn’s gone and, I don’t know, some bad stuff’s probably going on. And it smells kind of like black licorice in here. Did anyone else get a whiff of that?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(sniffs)
You’re right.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That’s weird, right?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That’s really weird.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Blat!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, hold on!
SEAN
And Snegal walks over one of the doors, opens it…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Hey Blat! Oh, hi Blat! Uh, Jacklyn’s gone, there’s a new door and I don’t remember the rest of it.
Silence.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Who likes my new hat?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Snegal likes your new hat, Your Evilship!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Excellent. Okay, well, I’m very happy to have your opinion. I’m just gonna try on several other outfits. So just closing the door now! Okay, buh-bye.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Carter Siddall and Michael Howie.
Episode 30: Snake Oil.
INSIDE THE BLATAVAN
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, I guess if Blat doesn’t want to come, he doesn’t have to come.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Blat!
MARISA
And I throw open the door.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Get out here right now! Jacklyn’s gone!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Wha… what? Jacklyn’s gone?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Jacklyn’s gone, just the way Jill was taken.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, just when I thought everything was going our way—look at this hat! Now I’m going to ruin it adventuring.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You could just leave it here and then it would be fine.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
…But it’s my new hat.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton, Blat. I’m just gonna lay this out.
You don’t have to always be wearing a hat when you’re adventuring. It’s fine to have bare heads. Okay?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Uh… I…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You don’t need a pot on your head. You don’t need a top hat. We can actually go and do things without hats. Now get out here, Blat!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I lost my original a hat over a year ago. I’m just happy to have a hat again. Hey, what’s this door?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uh… I dunno! Maybe you should open it.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, it doesn’t match any of the other doors. Frankly, I think this is a bit of a bad design on Snegal’s part. Well, opensy-upsies!
SEAN
So Blat steps forward to the new door and goes to open it, and it is locked.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ah, of course. Locked. Well, no adventuring today! Back to the closet!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait, wait a minute. This door appeared after Jacklyn was taken. Is this a clue? Is this someone trying to help us get to Jacklyn and Jill? I don’t know, help me out here, guys. Help me out.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It’s a bowl.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It’s not a pot. It’s a bowl. My hat.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh for the love of Loxsyn. I don’t care what you put on your head, just as long as you get your head in the game! What are we going to do here?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Um, can you sort of back up a little? Where did Jacklyn—which door did Jacklyn go in?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know! The weird creepy guy was just standing in the hallway with all sorts of black tendrils everywhere, and then he just backed up through this door that just disappeared, like a puff of smoke. I don’t even think was a real door.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! The door where this door was?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
The door here at the end of the corridor, the one that keeps changing?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Are you saying he displaced this door to go through his imaginary evil door?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No, not really. See, it’s a really complicated interdimensional magical problem. You see, there’s actually multiple doors and probabilities that are aligned, but any time one of them takes over, it can pop into existence here, but only this door is like that. Um…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That was really smart.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. Oh, thank you!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I didn’t know you’d studied interdimensional magicry. That’s a very complicated art.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, well, you know, I’m an imp from the lower dimensions. It’s sort of my, you know… I didn’t do very well in school. But uh, yeah,
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, we all we all have our talents, Snegal. We all have our talents.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, and so does His Evilship, ha ha, he has lots of talents.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
My talent was predicting days ago that this is a parallel universe problem! You each owe me ten credits! Blat called it—parallel universes!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay! Here’s ten credits, Your Evilship.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
These are credits from our era. How do you have future money?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, your wardrobe has credits in some of the used pants.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What? Just a moment!
CARTER
Blat walks back into his humongous closet.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
The have funds here that I don’t even recognize! Who’s… Roxflop? “The County of Roxflop”? Is this from the past? Is this from the future? What is this?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I don’t know. I just kept opening doors till I found clothing that looks like it would fit you, Your Lordship. This is what I found.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So we’re on some sort of… crazy caravan that opens up into different universes and time periods. Wait!
Why can’t we just use this caravan to simply take us to the time from whence we came?!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um… well, I only took ten doors. I was really focused on, you know, finding one that had clothes that fit you. So that was this door.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
But didn’t these clothes come from our era?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, I think so. Yes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ah! So you’re saying there’s a chance!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, maybe?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, Snegal.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Did I do good?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
If our relationship wasn’t a little bit weird, I could kiss you right now.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohohoho! We could sing the Friend Song!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh, yeah, maybe later. Eggsy! Darcy! Our problems are solved! We can simply use the magic caravan that the imp created to take us back to our era!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t think that’s how it works.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
But… look a this! Roxflop! What the heck is Roxflop? We have money from it!
These are credits! These are our bills!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We can’t go home until we rescue Jacklyn.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well… Jacklyn’s… maybe with Jill now?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah, and maybe they’re getting tortured?
Silence.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Is time still ending? Like, is that one of the things?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
There were black tendrils. I think time’s still ending.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, okay, okay. So. What if we just go get Jacklyn and Jill… we prevent time from ending… then we go back to our own time!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh! It’s so easy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We’ll just stop the end of time. That’s such a great idea, Eggerton.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I thought so. And thank you for acknowledging it. Look, I’m gonna go get my fairy cake pouch that I just made. And I’m gonna make a checklist of things we need to do. First on the list: Rescue Jacklyn and Jill. Second on the list: Stop the end of time. Third on the list: Go back to our time.
MIKE
And I walk out of the room.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We’re also out of bread.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So while Eggerton’s making fairy cakes, Snegal, can you tell me if this floating door you’re talking about, this door here that’s in the middle of the hallway—will that take us where Jacklyn and Jill just went?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Does it look like the door that the Von Whatever stepped through?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know! I couldn’t really see! There was blackness everywhere. It was all covered in smoke and tendrils.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Well, what seems to be happening with this door is, every time it opens and closes, it sort of fades into the wall. And then, you know, a new door appears. Took me a long time to get back one time, ha ha. It was a bit… Go through it carefully.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So. If we go through this door, we don’t know where we’re going. That’s what you’re saying.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah, I’ve mapped most of the doors in the caravan.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You’ve mapped the doors?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, I’ve mapped maybe four of the doors.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Have you mapped this door?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No, it keeps changing.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Grr…! Changing… door concept is very difficult.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I know where we’re going. The county of Roxflop. I’ve got 4000… whatsits in Roxfloppian currency…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(sighs)
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, everyone in the closet!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I do hope Roxflop is pleasant this time of year.
All right. Hopefully, this door leads to Roxflop.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, but this door here leads to Roxflop.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That door?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
The wardrobe door.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So… all of my clothes are in Roxflop?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Well, that is where all the credits are coming from.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Hmm.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
So if you want to go to Roxflop, we can just go stand in your wardrobe, Your Lordship.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Is there anything else to do in Roxflop?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Well, we could sing the Friend Song in there, or play dress-up or, um…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Why are we going to Roxflop?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Because I have 4000… whatsit whosits—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Credits.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
How is that gonna get Jacklyn and Jill back, going to Roxflop?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t know where they went! I was hoping it was Roxflop because I’ve got money from Roxflop!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, it would be highly coincidental if they just happened to be in Roxflop where you have all these credits for. I doubt that’s the case.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’ve also got credits from our era! Maybe they went to our era, and it would be safe for us to go there where we could both be home, work our old jobs, and save Jacklyn.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You want me to ladle foodstuffs while saving the world?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Then write a new resume. You’ve got experience now in goddess-fighting and universe-saving.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal, is there any way to tell where they might have gone?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, sure!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Thank you. So can we trace where Von Evil went with Jacklyn?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, about how long ago was the door there?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I guess now about five minutes.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
SEAN
Snegal walks up to the area of the door, and starts pulling out weird-looking gadgets from his pouches.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, um, residual… how long did you say?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Five minutes?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Five minutes… residual… hmm.. oh… oh, that’s not good.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What? What’s not good?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’m picking up readings of the Shattering.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. There were a lot of tendrils.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
…The Shattering took Jacklyn?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes. Snegal. Listen to my voice.
Derek Von Evil, who represents the Shattering, burst into this caravan and took Jacklyn. And then disappeared. Definitely Shattering all over him. All over. Lots of it.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. They’re probably with the Shattering, then.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes! I know! How do we get to where that is?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, you want to go to the Shattering?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, I don’t want to but I think we have to.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Your Lordship, where do you want to go? We could still go to Roxflop and do singalong or dress-up in your closet.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m really thinking that there’s more to do in Roxflop that you’re not telling me. But… can you get this door open so we could go to wherever the Shattering lives?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. I don’t know where this door goes.
Silence.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
This is a new door. See, this door changes. If we go through it, whoever goes through it will be stuck there because it will change into another door.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Right.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I probably should have chose a different door.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So how do we get to the place that the Shattering is with Jill and Jacklyn?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Well, I’m not a hundred percent sure. But there is a dark, giant black void in the sky, right over Paradox with tendrils coming out of it up on the mountain. I think that might be the Shattering.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Ughhh. That doesn’t sound good.
Eggerton! You better make a lot of fairy cakes!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(from down the hall)
On it!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So, Roxflop—does it have a local theatre scene? How are the restaurants?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’m not sure. I found some receipts to some theatre plays. But see, I can’t get out of the closet. See, the door goes into the closet, and there’s no other door. I was trying to figure out how to reverse the door but it just brings you back to the caravan now. See, it’s sort of got a pocket—ha! A pocket wardrobe!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yes.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
It’s a play on “pocket universe”.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Very amusing.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ha ha.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So you’re telling me, then, that I have 4000 simoleons for Roxflop, but we can’t spend it because the only place in Roxflop we can get to is a walk-in closet.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, at present, yes, Your Evilship.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, you might as well take us to the Shattering then, because there’s no point in keeping this Roxfloppian currency. Oh… I was going to be so rich in Roxflop.
A LITTLE LATER
SEAN
We’re high over a clearing we’ve been over so many times. But the light is a little dimmer. A female eagle looks down at the caravan parked next to the fae stone as the adventurers step out, but quickly changes her perspective to the distance. It’s jarring, suddenly taking into focus the mountain rising high above Paradox. The falls which are so high up are less than a third of the way up the mountain, and the mountain climbs high, high into the sky, where dark roiling clouds and dark black tendrils are swirling out in every direction.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Huh. You know, if you were to be like, Hey, what’s the weather gonna be like today? Evil. That’s what it would look like, I think.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yep, evil with a 30% chance of death.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Mm hmm.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So, do we have to take this caravan up that mountain?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, yeah, I guess so, yeah. Or we could walk there.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wouldn’t that take a really long time?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah. Lots of time to get caught up! You probably have so many stories to tell Snegal.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I have so many stories to tell you, Snegal.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, you do?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You will not believe. Did you know—there were goddesses. And they fought each other.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yes! And I made one fall over. All by myself.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Hohoho! I want to hear all these stories.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, let’s get walking and I’ll fill you in.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Or we could take the… okay, we’ll walk.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
No! Why are—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
The caravan’s good. But the caravan is so wide. Can we do a three-point turn to get this thing in the right direction? What, uh…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh yeah, there’s room for two people to sit here on the front, ha ha.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Great! So I’ll just sit up here with Darcy while you two catch up. A goddess fell over! That’s interesting!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, yeah. Okay, we’ll be inside if you need us!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
The controls are pretty simple.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, well, we’ll try to muddle through. I’m quite technically oriented.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
So there was one time when Blat set me on fire.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
He set me on fire too!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Really?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah! Ha ha.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That’s so cool! I’m so glad we have that in common.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
After you.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, thank you.
Snegal and Eggerton go inside. The door closes.
SEAN
So Blat and Darcy are sitting in the driver’s seat of a coach, garishly colored… and in front of each of you are an amazing array of buttons and levers.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So, you’re the technically oriented one. Why don’t you make this thing go?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It’s a caravan. I thought there would just be a set of reins or something. I don’t know what any of this stuff is. All right. Let’s see. Is there a green button? Green button, green button, green button, green button—green lever—green button, green button—green button! All right, I think if we press this we’ll… go! Here we are… and depress!
SEAN
Roll 2d6.
CARTER
2d6! That’d be a 4.
MARISA
Oh no.
SEAN
So the wheels turn sideways and the entire caravan crashes to the ground. And then the wheels pull in and you see like, strange openings opening up in the sides, not too big—and then water starts gushing out the back. But you’re not really moving.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, write this down, Darcy—we’ve figured out how to empty the toilets.
Laughter.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now then. If green’s not the color, we’d better be looking for a red button. A red button. Red button, red button, red button, red button—red lever—red button, red button, red button—yellow button, we’ll save that for a moment—red button, red button—red button! All right, now this I’m confident about. And… depress!
SEAN
Roll 2d6.
MARISA
(laughs)
CARTER
That would be a 3.
SEAN
What happens? Anyone?
MIKE
Fire shoots out a small cylinder in the middle of the roof of the caravan. Like, industrial fire.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, so we’ve lost the heating system. But that’s all right, it’s quite a warm day. Now, as I said, Darcy, we could then go back to the yellow button. Yellow button, yellow—excuse me, I think you’re covering it with your hand. There we go. And yellow button… depress!
SEAN
Roll 2d6.
CARTER
7.
MIKE
Hmm!
SEAN
So the cart lurches forward quite dramatically in high speed, heading right for the trees at the end of the clearing.
MARISA AND CARTER (AS DARCY AND BLAT)
Aaaaa!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Do something, Blat!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! Perhaps this is where the levers come into play! All right. You grab the green one and I’ll grab the red one and let’s both move them up at the same time?
SEAN
Roll 2d6.
CARTER
5.
SEAN
The cart crashes hard into the line of trees, sending both of you flying forward.
MARISA AND CARTER (AS DARCY AND BLAT)
Aaaaaaaa!
SEAN
You each take 1 damage, unless you have Armor.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(groaning)
INSIDE THE BLATAVAN
SEAN
Eggerton, you and Snegal are thrown sideways, then back towards the back door—then flying forward down towards the front of the caravan and the new door.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Aaa!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oho! Blat’s getting the hang of it, it feels like.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(panting)
We shifted several feet backwards, then several feet forward and… oh, wow.
So anyway, that’s when I saved everybody’s lives.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, wow, that was really, really cool, ha ha ha.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Uh huh.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Wow, that’s so cool. What’s your next story?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh yeah, so then Darcy professed her love for me.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I know! Again. It was so awkward.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I knew it all along.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(from outside)
Snegal!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal, get up here!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’ll be right back, Eggsy!
SEAN
Snegal comes out the back and flips open the top and runs forward.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh yes, hello Darcy! Blat, what are you doing in the trees?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, I was hoping to… I don’t have a clever excuse. I don’t know what I’m doing—there’s nothing labeled!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, sorry. I was gonna label, just didn’t have time. I didn’t think you were gonna show up. I’m happy you did, ha ha. Um. Would you like me to drive, or show you?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, just drive, Snegal.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Does it have something to do with the levers? Just give me that. Do we pull them down at the same time?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, no, you use the foot pedals. Ha ha.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
These foot pedals?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I see you ejected the plutonium core.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
The what?!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
We have more of those, it’s okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We… what?!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Here, just gonna put this in reverse.
SEAN
And Snegal starts using the pedals to reverse the caravan and turn it around.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That’s strange, there’s this high-pitched beeping sound now that we’re going backwards.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, I think it’s a safety device.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Safety device? This thing doesn’t seem very safe to me at all.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, not with you steering it doesn’t.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! I didn’t see you leaping into action either!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I know where my skills lie, and it’s not in driving this contraption.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, so we have to figure out where we’re going.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Towards the big black thing.
SEAN
Okay, so there’ll be a map of Paradox that we will now release. You guys are just outside of Paradox. This is the highway that leads—the river loops and goes through a tunnel.
MIKE
Like rivers do.
SEAN
Yeah. So the Lower Twist and the Upper Twist, and down in Paradox, it’s quite far up, right—the waterfalls. So really the only way to get around to the mount is to basically take this—I guess you could try anything, but you could take the road around and there is…
MARISA
Do we fly? Or are we on the ground?
SEAN
You’re on the ground. And it is now—the caravan is rolling in towards Paradox.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. So we are heading towards Paradox. We’ll have to drive through in order to get to the mountain. Can we roll up the windows at all?
(lowers his voice)
I don’t think we should be seen in Paradox.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I mean, we could ride inside the caravan.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Can they not see in? Will we look suspicious. This is, while a lovely vehicle, Snegal—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oho, thank you.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
—a tad ostentatious. I think we’re going to be noticed.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. I wanted to make sure people knew where to go for the adventure? You know, the party.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Right, right. Right.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, you don’t you don’t like the colour.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, no, no, it’s just, it’s very large. And again, there’s the beeping noise when we back up. Could we perhaps hide our identity a little? Like—ooh, ooh! I remember old stories of vehicles like this—they would often sell health products that were in no way effective. It was a conny-manny shill kind of thing. Snake oil salesmen! That’s it! That’s what they were called.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Why would they use that word? That’s sort of demeaning. To snakes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, I suppose so. Perhaps snakes need oil? I’m not quite sure. But…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay! How do we make it look like that?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Simple. We’ll just yell outside that we’re selling these health products; more than likely we’ll be ignored, because no one will want to buy anything, and we’ll be able to drive through Paradox without anyone noticing us!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Okay!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Wait! But shouldn’t we write something on? Look, I have all this extra blue paint.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. Ah, let’s see. Let’s see. What can we write down quickly? Um. Uh….
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
“Snake Oil Salesman”?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, no, that’s a little on the nose.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. Okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We need to make up a name. A name for a fictitious product. Uh…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
“Con Oil”?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
“Con Oil”—again, a little bit, um… No, it has to sound professional and medicinal.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
How about “Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic”?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic it is!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know if this idea is gonna work.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Don’t worry. If we say that it does enough, people will obviously think that we’re charlatans and they won’t want anything to do with us. So. What does it care? Simple: everything. Foot fungus, gout, emphysema…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Dandruff.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Dandruff, uh, migraine headaches…
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hangnails.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Hangnails, and uh… that feeling you get when you don’t think that you’re doing a good enough job at work.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Or you’re afraid that someone doesn’t love you back?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yes, exactly that! It must be hell.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’ll take some!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It’s not real, Snegal! We made this up!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. Okay, sorry. Got a little excited.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, so um, is there some sort of a sound system in this device at all?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Yes, right here. Okay, we we just speak into this.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, but you don’t want it to go inside.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh, no, we want the noise to go outside.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! I’ll go work on that right now.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Do you have time to do that?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah. Here, just use these pedals here, I’ll just—no put put your foot where my foot is—ohohoho…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! Oh! All right…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohoho it tickles, ha ha—you push down like this.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, on this one now, uh…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Wooooo!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aaa! All right, too fast! Too fast! All right, okay, nice and slow and steady…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
You got it!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So you put the sign up…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
And then get the sound system hooked up… and I think we’ll be able to travel incognito!
ANNOUNCEMENTS
ANNOUNCER
It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.
SEAN
Hey everyone, Sean here, and it is so good to be back. And I have so many people to thank this week so please stick with me. First I want to start with our amazing new patrons who have pledged and we just can’t do this without you. Thank you all so much. So a giant shout out to Laura DeMuro, Matt Gamelin, Alex Tsikerdanos, J. Yurika Imai, C P, Kona, MadMac and Michael Divinski, otherwise known as Barty—that’ll be Bartholomew [from Civilized].
And I am still working through the backlog of the oldies but goodies, the people who have been with us for so long as patrons. We can’t do this without all of you and we are so grateful. And we have finally made our way up to Michelle Booze is in the house! There we go! Thank you, Michelle! And David Dixon, and Erin Anderson and Teela, Taylor Hoefer and Marc Elliott—and we still have more patrons that have been with us for so long, and I want to work through all of you.
Now, it’s time for a special show recommendation. Now, I don’t know if anybody listening has not heard of this show, but if you haven’t, you are in for a load of amazing fun. The show is called Girl In Space. It is about… a girl in space. Who is she? Nobody knows—not even her. The mystery continues to unfold. There are so many amazing things happening, and Season 1 just ended with the most epic finale ever. Now is an amazing time to go and listen because you have all of Season 1 ready there for you. Just search for Girl In Space in any podcast app. Trust me, you will not regret it.
Okay, moving on, I want to talk about the Patreon bonus content that has been rolling out. I can’t thank Eli enough. He has been working so hard to get our engine running again. And we have some amazing stuff that has dropped, like the bonus scene for our and up patrons called “Rattling the Bones”. It is an hour-long epic side quest, it is super fun. Everyone really enjoyed it. And there is so much Farlorian Friday content! Every Friday we release something special for all of you, all of our patrons at any level because we love you all so much. And you have to hear “Golf Clap”—thanks to our Discord for the idea. That was so much fun to record. And we just can’t wait to do more like that on another Farlorian Friday. And of course we have our End Notes and so much more. If you want to learn about any of this, or become a supporter, please go to otherbothers.com and click on the Become a Patron button, and you can see examples of all that we have.
And now we’re going to get back to the action, because… there is no midroll this week. There is no little scene, because there was a little bit of a spoiler in the re so we pulled it. You’ll hear that in our next episode. So let’s return to our gang as they get back to their roots.
PARADOX
SEAN
We open on the outskirts of Paradox, on the way to Farloria Route 1, where the caravan is heading. Blat is driving quite well at this point with his feet. A giant 20-foot orange caravan covered—and hastily scrawled on the side, it reads, in blue paint: BLATHOXIL’S TICKLE TONIC.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, at least that top hat came in handy.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You see? Always wear a hat!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yeah, you do kind of look the part.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Thank you! Oh, if only we had some fake moustaches in here. But no, just money for an area that we can’t get to.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I have a question.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Certainly!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What if people want to actually buy the Tickle Tonic?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No one’s gonna want to buy the Tickle Tonic—when’s the last time you bought a tonic from someone just driving through your town?
MARISA (AS AN OLD WOMAN)
(shouting)
Excuse me! Excuse me! Hello! Hello!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Just a moment, I’m sure this old woman just wants to ask directions or something. Ah… yes, my good woman?
MARISA (AS THE OLD WOMAN)
I couldn’t help noticing your caravan! It says “Tickle Tonic”.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yes, that’s correct, madam. Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic!
MARISA (AS THE OLD WOMAN)
Well, I’ve been looking for some Tickle Tonic!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh… really.
(aside)
What are the odds of that?
SEAN (AS ANOTHER VILLAGER)
Excuse me! Excuse me!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh, yes, sir!
SEAN (AS PA)
Stop! Stop! Stop!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh… okay! I’m not quite sure how—I’ll slow down.
SEAN (AS PA)
My son here—we need we need some tonic! Look!
MIKE (AS SON)
Pa, is this guy gonna make me look normal again?
SEAN (AS PA)
He is, son. He’s gonna make you laugh. No one’s gonna laugh at you anymore.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Why? What’s wrong with his nose?
MIKE (AS SON)
I got hit with a rock.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I see. Um…
SEAN (AS PA)
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut in front of you, Milda.
MARISA (AS MILDA THE OLD WOMAN)
No, no, it’s fine. I’ve waited twenty years for Tickle Tonic, I can wait a few minutes more.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
But you just heard of Tickle Tonic! How have you been waiting twenty years for it?
MARISA (AS MILDA)
No, I remember Tickle Tonic passing through town about twenty years ago. Do you remember?
SEAN (AS PA)
I do! It cured me of my foot problem!
MARISA (AS MILDA)
That’s right, it was Tuckifligogie’s Tickle Tonic then.
SEAN (AS PA)
Yes. Oh, what a lovely man! He said he would come back and never did.
MARISA (AS MILDA)
Yes, I do think he might have rotted in jail one town over, but anyway, the Tickle Tonic was marvelous!
SEAN (AS PA)
Oh yes, it was great! And my son really needs some, sir! Bla… thoxil, sir.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Um… madam, are you saying that this previous Tickle Tonic actually cured you of whatever was ailing you?
MARISA (AS MILDA)
Yes. Yes, it certainly did.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. Um. Just a moment, please—I have to go back inside. Just a moment. And really, your nose looks fine, sir.
MIKE (AS THE SON)
Oh, that’s nice of you to say, sir. You busy later?
The door opens and Blat goes back into the Blatavan.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, so this is a little unforeseen, but there are some local morons outside who actually think that we have the cure for all of their problems.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
We do have the cure for all of their problems!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, we don’t!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Why did I write on the side of the van that we had the cure?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No one was supposed to want… We’re obviously charlatans! Why are people asking for this fictitious product?
All right. All right. All right. I’ve got an idea. I’ve got an idea. So… what is a completely unreasonable amount of money we could charge for this ridiculous product?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Hmm. 4000 credits!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
4000 credits! All right. Just a moment. I’m gonna scare these people off.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
But Blat… did you leave Darcy out there with them?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, no, no, she’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. It’s fine—
Blat exits again. An excited crowd is gathering.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Darcy, how you doing?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uh—I don’t have the Tickle Tonic on me! No, please keep your hands to yourself! Keep your hands to yourself.
SEAN (AS PA)
We need the Tickle Tonic!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No, we have a whole case that I just—we have to go and check on it because we have to keep it cool. I’ll be right back—
SEAN (AS PA)
Block the road! Don’t let them leave!
MIKE (AS THE SON)
No one’s getting past me, Pa.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, folks! I’m back! Ha ha, thank you Darcy. Uh, you might want to get back inside.
So, we’ve got a limited supply of the Tickle Tonic—
SEAN (AS PA)
What?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So unfortunately, we’re gonna be charging a little something extra for it, because we had to ship it all the way from Roxflop. Um…
SEAN (AS PA)
I was first in line! After Millie.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, all right, sir. So for just a mere 4000 credits this Tickle Tonic can be yours.
MARISA (AS MILDA A.K.A. MILLIE)
Thank goodness! I had 10,000 saved up just for such an occasion.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, come on, lady! You have 10,000 credits?
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
I’ll take two!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Two?!
SEAN (AS PA)
Millie, I’ll pay you anything for one of those!
MIKE (AS SON)
Pa, I don’t need to go to college. Just use the money you’ve been setting aside—
SEAN (AS PA)
But son…
MIKE (AS SON)
You’ve spent the last twenty years scraping gum off the underside of tables…
SEAN (AS PA)
I have.
MIKE (AS SON)
Just for me to get a higher education. But I’ll tell you what, Pa, I’d so much rather fix this here nose and fall in love with this Blat man.
SEAN (AS PA)
Son, you’re speaking the words to my heart. We’ll take two as well!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now, wait a second, sir. How about this as a more economical solution. What if you just threw another rock at your son and that would straighten his nose out?
MIKE (AS SON)
That… that could work.
SEAN (AS PA)
What? What are you saying?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m saying, take your son away from the caravan, throw a rock in his face as hard as you can, aim for his schnozz and that’ll probably straighten itself out—and it won’t cost you one single credit.
MIKE (AS SON)
Do you provide the rock?
SEAN (AS PA)
Son, step back.
MIKE (AS SON)
Oh, okay, Pa.
SEAN (AS PA)
Son, we need to purchase something to feel whole—to feel like we belong in this world! We need a solution that’s in a bottle.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Alrighty, sir! Uh, just stay there, please. I’ll be back in a moment.
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
Please hurry! We tend to get a little riotous when we don’t get what we want in this town. Come on, everybody, gather in!
SEAN (AS PA)
Bring the pitchforks!
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
That’s right! Get ready to rock the caravan!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Eggerton. I need you to subtly go out the back of the caravan, collect some rocks and put them into bottles.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You want to put rocks in bottles.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I want you to put small rocks into bottles.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You mean pebbles.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
FINE. Pebbles. We need to sell something to these local idiots.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But we could just… I mean, I have all of these fairy cakes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What if we distill the fairy cakes into liquid form and put them in bottles?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You know, there’s actually a chemistry set in one of the cupboards in my kitchen. So I feel like this is probably the best plan we could ever come up with.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
How quickly can you do it?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Um…
SEAN
The caravan is starting to rock back and forth.
Alarmed shouts from the party.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. All right. The only small hiccup I foresee is that it seems that about two-thirds of the time when people take this stuff, weird and freaky things happen to them.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, you know, sometimes it’s hit or miss. But what if… what if we find a magical elixir with which to mix the fairy cakes?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Where are you going to find this magical elixir?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, I have quite a few. I haven’t determined what they are yet!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh! Oh, look, there’s a purple one! There’s a purple one!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! I knew you’d be attracted to the purple one.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yes! The purple. Okay, okay. Give me the purple one. Here we go.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
So a magical elixir to fix ’er?
Silence.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yes.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Interesting.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, that would have been a much better name to put on the side of the caravan.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Do you think that that would be easier to pronounce?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
A magical fixer elixir?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh yeah, I guess it is. I guess—okay, lesson learned, everyone. Someone make a note in the marketing agenda for the next—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! I’ll do that.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’m secretary!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You are the secretary.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Aaa, the rocking is getting worse!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, I’m going in the kitchen and I’m gonna get this little vial, I’m gonna get a beaker…
The jazzy kitchen drums start up, at a much faster clip than usual.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Hey Eggerton! Dude!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, Bowl. We are on a tight deadline.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Okay, all right, man!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
All right.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
But what are you doing, man? Why aren’t you using me?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, ’cause see, this is actually chemistry. Well, I guess all baking is kind of chemistry…
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Yes! Dude, come on!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But this is like super-duper chemistry. Okay, you know what?
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
I’m feeling a little hurt here, Eggsy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, you know what I’m gonna put you on top of Bunsen Burner.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Ohhhhh, oh yeah! Ohohoho, I feel good, Eggsy! That’s feeling good.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, I’m gonna put this elixir into you…
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
What is that? Woah, this is some strong stuff.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah, does it feel good?
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
WOAHHH—this is good stuff, dude!
(panting)
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
As you heat up it will evaporate through this intricate glass tube system and drip into this little mortar and pestle bowl…
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Dude, this is heavy stuff.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah! It’s fine, it’s fine. We’re just distilling the most potent parts of it. And now I’m gonna crush it up into a fairy cake… and pour that concoction into a beaker, put a little cork in it…
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Ho ho, aren’t those beakers cute?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I know! Aren’t they adorable? Okay, okay, you stay here, Mixing Bowl, keep doing what you’re doing.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Yes, okay.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m setting up some other mixers—or some more beakers for it to drip into. I’ll be right back.
Blat! Blat, Blat, Blat—here’s the first one.
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
I got it, I got it, I got it!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, chill out, Mixing Bowl!
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL)
Yeah, duuuude!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, just ride it! It’ll be over soon. Uh… worst case scenario, three weeks. Okay, Blat. Here’s the first sample. Um…
SEAN
The caravan is being lifted into the air.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m not entirely certain what it’s gonna do…
Outside, the crowd is starting to chant: “We want Tickle Tonic! We want Tickle Tonic!”
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
The rocking is making it bubble a bit. Here you go, here you go!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, just give it to me.
Blat hurries outside.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, everybody! Here we go. So I’ve got enough for—
SEAN (AS PA)
I’m first!
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
I was first!
SEAN (AS PA)
Get out of the way, Millie! Pitchfork to your face!
A loud clang.
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
Aaaa!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No!
MARISA (AS MILLIE)
Now I need more Tickle Tonic!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What the heck is going on with you people?!
SEAN (AS PA)
He has the tonic!
MIKE (AS SON)
I want the tonic.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. Uh—madam! Madam! Here’s some Tickle Tonic. There you go.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Good! Finally!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yes, just take it and apply it to the open holes in your face. And, uh… son? Son.
MIKE (AS SON)
Hello.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m gonna toss it to you. Here’s what I want you to do. Put your arms down.
MIKE (AS SON)
Arms down.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Just put your arms down. And—hyoop!
Blat hurls the tonic at the son, who recoils as the bottle smashes into his face.
SEAN
Roll for Fairy Cakes.
MIKE
I guess you roll for Fairy Cakes.
CARTER
Oh, I guess I can roll for Fairy Cakes.
SEAN
At a ‑3.
MARISA
A ‑3? Why?
CARTER
(laughing)
Because we don’t know what we’re doing.
MIKE
It’s science.
CARTER
Please roll high. Please roll high.
That would be a 5.
MARISA
(laughing)
Oh no.
MIKE
-3…
CARTER
Is a 2.
MARISA
That’s a fail! You could put that on your sheet.
SEAN
Millie… So as you are watching the vial explode onto the face of the young man, you hear a crunching sound from where Millie was as she begins to grow in size and transform into a giant…?
MIKE
Angry octopus.
SEAN
A giant angry octopus with giant arms, roaring out… And this octopus, like all octopi, is very intelligent. And very angry.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(low, burbling screech)
AAAAAAAA MORE TICKLE TONIC.
SEAN
And tentacles start wrapping around the caravan, trying to find more Tickle Tonic..
SEAN (AS PA)
Oh my god it’s an octopus!
MIKE (AS SON)
Pa? Pa, what’s happening, Pa?
SEAN (AS PA)
Oh my god—son! Son! Oh!
MIKE (AS SON)
Ughh! Aghhh… Oh, it’s better now.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! His nose is fine, but she’s now an octopus! That’s a 50% success rate—
SEAN (AS PA)
But he’s blue!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You can paint it! That’s it for us, ladies and gentlemen—we have to go back and find a cure for uh, octopusesness.
More burbling noises from Millie. Blat runs inside.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, the crowd’s starting to disperse, but there’s a giant octopus outside! Why do we do?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait! I have this mace, remember? Maybe if I could just make contact with one of the tentacles, she’ll let go of the caravan.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
The caravan’s being lifted into the air!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! Swing the blunt object! Swing the blunt object!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
But Darcy has to go outside to do that.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Can’t I just lean out of the caravan and try and hit a tentacle?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay! Do it, Darcy, I’ll hold on to your foot!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hold on! Here we go!
MARISA
And I swing this mace, and I try to make contact with one of the tentacles.
SEAN
Darcy lifts the mace in the air, begins to swing it… And it is a Talking, Righteous Mace. And it says…? Who’s going to do a mace voice?
CARTER (AS THE MACE)
(a big, cartoon-heroic voice)
And now I shall layeth the smack down!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh, uh, good! Thank you! Smacketh down goodly!
SEAN (AS THE MACE ALSO)
But wait, brother! What is this we are attacking? Is it truly a creature that deserves to be attacked?
CARTER (AS THE MACE)
Obviously, this must be a creature of great evil!
SEAN (AS THE MACE)
Oh. Is it of great evil, woman who wields us?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well… to be fair, it was just an old lady who took something we gave her and transformed into a monster that’s kind of inhibiting us so… not really evil? Misguided, maybe?
SEAN (AS THE MACE)
Brother?
CARTER (AS THE MACE)
I believe we should be striking her!
SEAN (AS THE MACE)
I believe you are right, brother! This is an invalid use!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait! Wait! But—but we have a bigger quest! We’re going to help stop the end of time and the end of the world! So… maybe we could just gently pry the octopus off the caravan? Do you do gentle prying? Gentle mace prying?
SEAN (AS THE MACE)
I see! So you believe an act of disregard for another living being is okay if it’s in service to a greater thing?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No, no! I just think that maybe if we could just help the octopus to see that they are an obstacle to a greater good, then perhaps that would help everybody.
Silence.
CARTER (AS THE MACE)
Swing at the woman!
SEAN (AS THE MACE)
Swinging at the woman!
Rapid clanging thuds.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Aaa! Aaaaa!
CARTER (AS THE MACE)
Swing! Swing! Swing!
SEAN
Darcy is pummeled by the mace and falls back into the caravan, holding her hands over her head.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Aaaa! Help me!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Darcy, what happened?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I’m being maced!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You’re being maced? Oh no!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! You all made fun of my technical prowess before, but I know what we have to do! We just press the green button!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Are you sure, Blat? But you have to go up on top of the caravan while it’s being lifted in the air to get to the front to push the button! Oh, Blat!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It releases water! Octopuses like water! It’s our only hope!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Everyone! Okay, I’ll get the door open! Good luck, Blat!
Squelching and burbling.
SEAN
The caravan is being lifted high in the air in a giant tendril as Blat attempts to exit the caravan and…?
CARTER
Climb into the front where the controls are to press the water release.
SEAN
Okay, I need you to roll Defy Danger.
CARTER
That would be a 10!
SEAN
All right.
MIKE
+Dex.
CARTER
+Dex… 11!
SEAN
All right, play it out.
CARTER
So, Blat presses down on the green button and once again, all the water starts pouring out from the caravan. The octopus, soothed by the water, begins to lower the caravan to the ground and then splashes around in the middle of the street.
The burbling sounds grow more cheerful and enthusiastic.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
That was so good, Blat. Wow! Ohohoh!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Please label these buttons.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yes, sir. Oh, so the green one releases water, ha ha, and the red one ejects the plutonium core.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I still don’t think that’s a good idea—we’ll talk about that later.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, everyone, that was Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic! We shan’t be back this way again!
SEAN (AS PA)
Oh god—save yourself, son!
MIKE (AS SON)
(shaking with emotion—or perhaps an uncontrollable hunger)
Pa… I’ll never forget the sacrifice you made on this day. You look kind of scrumptious now though, and I’m feeling hungry… and there’s something inside me that just needs to be fed.
SEAN (AS PA)
Son? Son!
MIKE (AS SON)
Pa… I’m sorry.
SEAN (AS PA)
Son?
(agonized scream)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, this was a poor idea.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard, and players Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King.
Dialogue editing and transcription by Michael Howie.
Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen.
Story consultant: Laura Packer.
Game consultant: Stephen Smith.
Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Evelyn Jones.
If you like what you hear, check us out on Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our fabulous fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.
OUTTAKE
SEAN
Hastily scrawled paint reads: Blathoxil’s Tixil… Blathoxil’s Tickl…
Mike starts to snicker.
SEAN
On the side of the caravan, scrawled in hastily painted blue paint, reads…
The whole table is now giggling.
SEAN
Blath… I can’t say “Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic”!
CARTER
That’s a shame, because that’s what we came up with.
MIKE
That’s what it’s called!