On the trail of the Shattering, the party drive towards the mysterious Mount Zirma, but meet resistance along the way – and discover that they aren’t the only passengers on board the Blatavan.
If you haven’t yet, check out our newest show, an all-improvised dark comedy sci-fi serial called Civilized!
The Peeps This Week:
- GM: Sean Howard
- Players: Michael Howie, Carter Siddall and Marisa King
- Story Consultant: Laura Packer
- Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
- Sound Design and Music: Eli McIlveen
Content Warning: Kidnapping, confinement, violence, drug references, unwanted advances, and do I need to mention screaming?
LAST TIME…
ANNOUNCER
Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
If you were to be like, hey, what’s the weather gonna be like today? Evil.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
The Shattering burst into this caravan and took Jacklyn.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
How do we get to the place that the Shattering is with Jill and Jacklyn?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
There is a giant black void in the sky with tendrils coming out of it up on the mountain.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I don’t think we should be seen in Paradox.
I remember old stories of vehicles like this. They would often sell health products that were in no way effective.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
How about Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Why are people asking for this fictitious product?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What if we distilled the fairy cakes into liquid form and put them in bottles?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, Bowl, we are on a tight deadline!
SEAN (AS MIXING BOWL DUDE)
Who-ho-ho, this is good stuff!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
We’re distilling the most potent parts of it.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Madam! Here is some Tickle Tonic!
MARISA (AS THE OLD LADY)
Finally!
SEAN
She begins to grow in size and transform into a giant…?
MIKE
Octopus.
MARISA (AS THE OLD LADY)
(angry octopus sounds)
MORE TICKLE TONIC.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That was Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic! We shan’t be back this way again!
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
SEAN
It’s approaching dusk. And a bright orange caravan is working its way westward on the road, just a short ways out of Paradox. On top of the caravan, with her legs hanging over the edge, just behind the drivers, is Darcy. Blat is driving the caravan with his feet and Eggerton is sitting beside him. And they are talking about how long it took them to hit the road out of Paradox.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I just gotta think that there’s a way that you could turn like, just maybe three times and go the other direction. But I guess if, you know, 27 is really your lucky number, who am I to judge?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m sorry. Have you ever driven one of these contraptions before?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, what I’m saying is, I’ve seen—like, I’ve experienced—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Not hearing a yes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Not hearing a yes.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Technically, no…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Not hearing a confirmation.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But I was kind of manager, right? General manager, same thing?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Of caravans?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, of, of the adventuring group.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That did not have a caravan.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, no.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So really, on your resume, the word “caravan” has a zero beside it.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Actually on my resume the word “caravan” shows up six times—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What does this lever do?! What does it do?! What’s this lever do?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Let’s find out!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, wait!
SEAN
Roll 2d6.
MIKE
2d6… That is a 6.
(laughs)
Polka music plays.
SEAN
Music begins to play and lights begin to pop out of every aspect—side, top, front. A spinning disco ball comes up on an arm and the entire caravan begins to undulate with lights and effects as music blares out into the night.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What did you do?! That disco ball almost took me right off the side!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What?!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Aagh! What did you do?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh… Happy Boltius Day!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Long live Boltius!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Long live Boltius!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t think this is Boltius Day!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, technically, no, because he won’t be born for a few millennia. But hey!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Will you just focus on driving?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh, sorry. OH MY GOODNESS a tree.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your game master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall.
Episode 31: Breaking Blat.
SHORTLY AFTER
SEAN
Darcy, as the caravan swerves and rocks back and forth as you narrowly miss a tree, something catches your eye from the darkness of the sky. It’s starting to get dark but with the sun setting, you can still see a bit of the top of Mount Zirma, and something is coming out of one of the tendrils of the dark spinning cloud, and seems to be circling down and towards your position.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hey… does anyone else see that?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Up there! Towards the mountain. Do you see anything?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, I see a lot of colourful lights. Where are all these lights coming from anyway?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Just turn the—press whatever you pressed again!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, I’ll pull the lever again.
SEAN
And all the lights go back in, shut down. The music slowly comes to a halt as, now in the darkness, you’re all blinking, your eyes adjusting.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay there—oh, ugh, give me a minute. Okay, there. Look, look up towards the top of the mountain. Do you—do you see something?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You mean the giant black thing with all the tendrils?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes, yes! And then something getting closer to us, nearer, coming from the tendrils?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh. Yeah, I’ve been noticing that for a little while now. In my mind, I’ve been referring to it as Stabby the Evil Cloud.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Why didn’t you say anything?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, we’re driving towards this evil cloud for quite some time now.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, it looks like Stabby the Evil Cloud is getting closer at an alarming rate.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I thought that was because we were moving the caravan towards it!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Do you think they’re going to try and stab us? Is that why you named it Stabby?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, it has tendrils, so I figure it’s possible? But perhaps not likely. They might use it to wrap around us. Possibly to squeeze the very life out of us!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Asphyxiation is probably preferable to stabby.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
It strikes me that the Shattering isn’t going to want us to get to where the Shattering is. So maybe something’s being sent out to take care of us. Maybe we better prepare ourselves with… Snegal! Snegal!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
(shouts from inside)
Oh! Snegal’s inside the caravan, Darcy!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal! Does this caravan have a battle mode? Battle van mode?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
What?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(sthouting)
Can this caravan defend itself against attack?
The door opens.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Why are you shouting, Darcy?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Because you were in the caravan, Snegal.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Yes I was!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
And you’re not very good at coming when I call.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. Sorry, Darcy. Oh, does His Evilship need something?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Uh, yes, I need you to put a label on this lever here and call it, I don’t know, Party Down?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! That’s the Fiesta button!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ah yes, very good. That’s a better name, the Fiesta button. Now, is there another button or lever here that perhaps allows us to fight evil?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh no, not really.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Defend us from evil?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. Well, we can flush all the toilets again.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
…That is helpful, but I don’t know if that’ll get us out of every situation. Is there anything that like throws up some armour plating or something like that?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No, but I have lots of places on the caravan I left for being able to drill in so we could get some armour, drill it all over and make us bigger caravan. Oh, and put like a thing on the front in a triangle so we could pick up speed and bash in a door.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, that all sounds very good. Do you think we could find any of those things going up the side of this mountain?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, I don’t know. Maybe… maybe there’s an armour or steel plating store on the way!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’m guessing it’s going to be grass and rocks until we finally get to the very top where the big evil cloud is going to do something to us.
Silence.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You’re right, this is a very depressing conversation. I’m hitting the Fiesta button again.
It is fun, I must admit! Ahh, happy Saint Boltius Day.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Long live Boltius!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Long live Boltius!
SEAN
Darcy, you catch something in the darkness that had passed over you—suddenly, with basically the caravan being so lit up, you sense it’s turning and banking back towards you.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay yeah, there is definitely something or someone tracking us, and maybe sending us into Big Lighting Mode wasn’t the greatest idea, Blat.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Margaritas? Ha ha.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, thank you!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
No! No margaritas. Everyone, don’t drink those.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(noisy slurping)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Don’t drink those. Don’t. We have to stay focused. We could be under attack. Look! Look at that thing up there.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
What’s that? I can’t see anything with all the lights.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
There is—turn off the Fiesta mode!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, fine! Fine!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Aw, okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
There we go.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, wow, it’s really dark now.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Snegal, could you could you take off the hat please. It’s very big and very distracting.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(whispers)
Leave out the margarita mix.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, here you go, Eggsy.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Do you see that shadow? It just went over us again!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Are there any tactical weapons aboard?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, yes. Oho! Sorry. Just gonna move over. I gotta put the… Yeah, Blat has a thing, it’s called, ha ha, it’s a bazooka. His Evilship can make it appear at any time!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
But are there any Blatavan-inspired, like, mounted weapons?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No. I spent most of my time on the Fiesta mode.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah, I think that was probably the best choice.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Thank you, Eggsy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It brought a lot of joy to all of us.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. All right. All right. So apparently in this little situation, I am a mounted weapon. Eggsy… take the pedals. I’ll climb up on top and I’ll see if I can chase this thing away.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay. And I’ll just sit over here and…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. Now, the left on the left, the right on the right.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, so what about the middle one?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
There’s a middle one?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Right there.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I’m sorry. That was just some of the food wrappings, ha ha. I’ve been driving for quite some time.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You had food and you didn’t share?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Have you ever had food that you didn’t share?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
…Shared it with myself.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It’s not quite sharing, is it.
A low whoosh.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, that got really close. That got—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
(panicking sounds)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Did you see it?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
All right, everyone, just stay inside here. We’ll see if it does anything. If it does, I’ll fire at it.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
All right, I’m going in. I’m going in then.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I guess I’ll stay out here exposed and driving the Blatavan. Thanks, everyone.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Sounds good. Sounds good.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’ll stay with you, Eggsy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Thanks, Snegal.
CARTER
And Blat tries to steady himself on top of the caravan and calls his…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Bazooka.
SEAN
You sense a shape pass really close over the caravan, and spin around in a quite a tight beautiful maneuver and land on the road somewhere ahead of you in the distance.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! Eggsy! Eggsy!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Stop! Stop the caravan!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Party hold!
A loud screech of tires.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aaaagh!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
There goes Blat!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aaaaaaa!
A distant crash and a scream.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I never understood why he doesn’t fly more.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I know.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
It’s nice to see him being who he is.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Hohoho. His Evilship’s the best.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Mm hmm.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
This shirt… didn’t have holes for my wings. Ugh.
SEAN
Darcy, you feel the caravan come to a sudden screeching halt.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Guh!
MARISA
And I stick my head out a window.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What—what’s going on? What’s happening?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Uh, we lost Blat!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What!
MARISA
And I open a door of the caravan and I step out onto the road.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Blat! What are you doing up there?! That is not a good tactical position!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Being outside of the caravan’s an even worse tactical position. Stabby’s here.
SEAN
Footsteps hit the ground with a resounding boom sound… as a giant figure emerges out of the darkness in front of you, Blat, fully clad in armour. The armour comes to a stop about 10 or 12 feet in front of Blat. And Blat, as you look up, you see fully gleaming gold armour all the way up to a chest plate and a helm with a closed visor. And one hand lifts up and lifts the visor… and you are looking at a small face inside a very large suit of armour. And it is the face of Jacklyn… except their eyes are pure black.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh, Jacklyn, that outfit of yours certainly looks expensive, heh heh. So… are you standing on top of Jill inside that thing?
Jacklyn? Uh…
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
(sinister, echoing voice)
You must not reach the mount.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Right.
Tell ya what. We won’t go a step further if you simply get into the caravan to go with us back towards Paradox.
SEAN (AS JACKLYN)
You’re right. You won’t be going a step further.
SEAN
And an arm reaches up over their back as Jacklyn—or whatever they are at the moment—draws a seven-foot-long giant broadsword.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, they always want to fight…
CARTER
And Blat aims his bazooka at the broadsword.
SEAN
They are 12 feet away.
Nervous laughter around the table.
CARTER
Blat fires.
SEAN
Roll for Volley.
CARTER
7… so that’s an 8.
SEAN
The missile immediately leaves the chamber, hits the broadsword right off… but it’s actually too close for the missile to actually have triggered and it is not armed. And so the sword goes spinning out of Jacklyn’s hand, the missile tumbling head over heels after it, and then explodes in the distance, causing no harm to either of you… as Jacklyn’s face contorts into a strange smile.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aha! Now you don’t have a sword but I have a metal tube.
SEAN
And that’s when Jacklyn’s eyes shoot beams of dark light right into Blat.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, didn’t expect that.
SEAN
Blat… can someone roll for me a 1d6?
MIKE
5.
SEAN
You take 5 damage, searing darkness pouring into your chest.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Daaaah! Jacklyn…
SEAN
So all of you see this happening—you see these beams of darkness strike into Blat and actually cause him to stumble backwards, even though he was already kneeling on the ground.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That does not look good. I don’t think that is positive. I think it could be even a bad thing.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Your Evilship!
SEAN
And Snegal launches into the air flying straight at the giant Jacklyn, whipping his tail around to strike Jacklyn in the open visor, or to attempt to. Could someone roll Hack and Slash for Snegal?
MIKE
8!
SEAN
So you you hear a roar from Jacklyn and a yelp from Snegal as the visor snaps down, and Jacklyn stumbles back shaking their head back and forth, and Snegal spins off into the darkness.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait! Wait! Stop! What if Jacklyn gets hurt? We can’t hurt Jacklyn!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(hoarse)
Oh yes, we mustn’t hurt Jacklyn. Poor, sweet Jacklyn.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
The Shattering is using them for their own nefarious purposes! Stop, Jacklyn!
MARISA
And I cast Hold Person.
SEAN
Okay, read it?
MARISA
Which is: “Choose a person you can see. Until you cast a spell or leave their presence they cannot act except to speak. This effect amends ends immediately if the target takes damage from any source. So I do have to roll for Spell.”
SEAN
Okay!
MARISA
Roll +Wisdom. So… okay, it’s 9 and I have +3 Wisdom so that’s 12.
MIKE
Ooo.
MARISA
So the spell is successfully cast and your deity does not revoke the spells so you may cast it again.
SEAN
The giant armoured Jacklyn freezes suddenly, and you hear a gurgled groan, like a dark scream from inside the helm. But the figure is no longer moving.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay. Huddle around, everyone. Blat. Can you get up?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’ve ruined yet another shirt, and this tie has seen better days as well.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Blat, do you want a fairy cake?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
No! No fairy cakes. We don’t have time for that.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We need to figure out if we should get Jacklyn out of this armour in case anything worse happens to them… or if we just leave them here and go round them to try and get up to the mountain.
SEAN
Snegal comes stumbling back, holding the end of his tail.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Um, I don’t know if they could break out. We could put them with Moira.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you say “put them with Moira”?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What—where—what—where—what—but—Moira? Where?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal. Where is Moira.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Uh, in the caravan?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What do you mean, in…?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What? Moira’s in… what?! What?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’ve been driving around with my old boss this entire time?!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah. The red door with the little spiral on it on the left.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I thought that was the bathroom!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
No, don’t go in there for the bathroom.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal—and this is a very important question…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal, is Moira a willing occupant of that red door, or not?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Well, she was sort of willing when I let her in there, ha ha, ha ha, hahaha.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
And then you locked her in, didn’t you?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yes, I did.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Is she angry at us?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh… I think she might be a little angry at Snegal right now.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, yeah, I mean, other than the captivity, the hostage thing—if we just gloss over that.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
How mad, on a scale of Blat seeing you wearing his clothes, to Darcy seeing Blat wearing her clothes, is Moira?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Uh… at Snegal?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’d say, at the party as a whole?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Snegal’s part of the party now?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You were always part of the party.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
You never let Snegal with you on any adventures.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
That’s because we needed you to hold down the fort.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh. I did. And I saved all the doors I could find.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m going to make you Lieutenant of Blatavan Maintenance. Congratulations, Snegal! Field promotion!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
(snapping to attention)
Thank you, sir!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now. Is it angry or not angry? We haven’t established this.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Which angry? Because it was angry as you about me wearing your shirt, that was pretty angry, or you wearing Darcy’s shirt. I don’t think that’s very—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Snegal, there’s a difference between what I was willing to do. You see, pretending to be a con man is a bit different than kidnapping someone!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, she’s pretty angry.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(straining)
I can only hold this spell for so long! What are we going to do with Jacklyn?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Simple! We’re gonna get Jacklyn out of this armour because they’re practically unstoppable with it!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What if we just walk up and like take off the helm?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, take off the helm!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay.
SEAN
Eggerton walks up to their knee…
MIKE
I bang on their leg and hear the hollow echoing.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, I don’t—it’s a little… Hi. Can I get a boost?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, Eggsy…
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
All right. It’s the old one, two, hup!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Watch out! That helm has quite a bite!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Oh, okay. Okay, ready? And I’m just gonna climb up onto your hand—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aargh!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
All right. One! Two! Wheeee!
SEAN
(laughs)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, are you up there?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay. Whoa, okay, this is kind of high. This is kind of high.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now, just unscrew it and toss it off.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Ohhh. Wait, okay, we’re a little close to the edge. I’m gonna turn around. I can’t look down.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, steady yourself on the shoulders.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay I’m holding…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Steady, steady.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, now what if I twist?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Twist…? Okay.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Like a screw and just… twiii… urgh…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Is it coming?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Well, it’s backwards now. What if I keep going—nngh—and…
(pop)
Okay!
MIKE
And it falls off the top of the suit.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Darcy? Couldn’t Blat just have flown up there?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Yes, I was thinking that. But sometimes I just like to watch what they’re gonna do.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, okay.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! Do you see any seams or hinges or something? Can we get the breastplate or the back off or something?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, let’s take out—here—
SEAN
Jacklyn’s eyes are boring into you. And they are just pools of swirling darkness.
MIKE
And I pat Jacklyn on the head and say,
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, I think I can actually fit in the suit because this neck hole is really wide.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What, you’re gonna climb in?!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah, okay. It’s alright! It’s fine! I’ll be right back!
MIKE
And Eggerton disappears into the suit with a clang.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I really hope no one drives past us right now.
MIDROLL
Music sting.
ELI
It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.
SEAN
Hi, everyone, Sean here, and we made it to the midroll. Yes! And I’m told we actually have a midroll today—a special scene for you all. But before we get to that, I want to thank some people, as I always want to do.
First of all, we have two awesome new Patreon supporters, so I want to give them both a shout out. So first to Kira Apple, thank you thank you thank you. And to Ben and Leah Meanwell. I know you mean well, because it’s in your name! Thank you guys so much. And I want to keep working through the oldies but the goodies—I still don’t have a good name for that. So let’s give a giant shout of love out to some people who have been with us for such a long time and never gotten a shout out till now. Michelle Selander. Danny Auttumns, Andrea Davis, Trenton Lundquist and Gaby Halligan, I hope I said all those names right. Thank you all so much. This is so awesome to have you with us on this journey.
And now I want to give a short shout out to one of our shows. You may have heard it already, or you may not have. It’s called Civilized. It is a dark comedy sci-fi show that is completely comedy improvised. And we’ve gotten some amazing testimonials from people like Sarah Rhea Werner of Girl In Space and Erik Saras, creator of Marsfall and others—so many great quotes. You can see those on our website at civilizedpod.com.
That’s it! Let’s get you to the midroll.
The Fiesta mode music plays.
CARTER
Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic! Life got you down? Have you developed one of this area’s many thousand different forms of unhealthiness?
MARISA (AS A CUSTOMER)
I have!
CARTER
Then Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic is the cure for you!
MARISA (AS A CUSTOMER)
How is that?
CARTER
Simple! Just take this tonic, don’t ask any questions, and whatever is bothering you will disappear.
MARISA (AS A CUSTOMER)
I have some questions!
CARTER
And if it doesn’t disappear, that’s your fault! That’s right, Blathoxil’s Tickle Tonic! (Possible side effects include cannibalism, nose turning blue and getting turned into a giant octopus.) Want some tonic, kids? Go to otherbothers.com.
Music sting.
MOUNTAIN ROAD
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Uhhh… What’s Eggsy gonna do from inside the suit?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, I’m hoping just unscrewing the armour and letting it all just fall into several pieces. Or, more than likely, he’ll just get stuck in there and we’ll just have to drag both of them in the armour inside Moira’s room.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Maybe you should fly up there, Blat, and see if you can help open the armour from the outside.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Fine. I’ll get undressed like I always do.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohh! Can I help?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, you’re a little bit too excited about this. I’m gonna need you to turn around, impy.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
CARTER
And Blat—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’m not peeking!
CARTER
—flings off the tie, unbuttons the shirt, tosses it on the ground—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohoho!
CARTER
—and unfurls his wings. And then flies up to the top of the now headless suit of armour.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, what do we got here?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Blat! Blat! There were like, some pedals that Jacklyn’s standing on. But I think I undid the strap. So try to try grabbing Jacklyn by the shoulders and pulling them up.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right.
CARTER
Blat sticks his arm down the neck hole, grabs onto the scruff of Jacklyn’s neck and begins yanking up.
SEAN
And that is when the suit of armour begins to walk.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh! Aaa!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Whoa! Sorry! My bad!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We’re automated! It’s an automaton!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
No, I pulled the lever. I pulled the lever.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You’re pulling the… well, quit pulling the lever! Are you still pulling the lever?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Yeah, I’m still pulling the lever!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We’re walking around drunkenly! Oh my god!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, okay, what if I push that one forward—
SEAN
And now it begins to spin in a tight circle.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
And I’m gonna pull this one back instead.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, no! No!
SEAN
And the arm punches forward.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Aaa! Now we have neurological problems! It’s like my Uncle Harold! No! You have to try and slow this thing down.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, okay—there’s, there’s like a nozzley gauge thing. I’m gonna twist that…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
And the whole thing crumples to the ground on its knees.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ahh! Oh.
SEAN
A dark liquid is pouring out from the joints onto the ground and spreading outward… and everything it touches begins to wilt and die.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ugh!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
What’s happening?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Eggsy, get out of the suit.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
O‑okay…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Get out of the suit.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Get Jacklyn?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, I’m pulling… I’m yanking…
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Okay, well, I’m holding on to their legs.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right, everybody… We’re gonna come out like one giant wet noodle. Okay?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
One…
MIKE AND CARTER (AS EGGERTON AND BLAT)
Two… three!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right!
SEAN
Okay, let’s roll me a Strength check, Blat.
CARTER
The good news is, Blat isn’t very strong.
MIKE
(snickers)
And Eggerton is light as a feather.
MARISA
Oh, that’s excellent.
CARTER
Ah! That’s an 11.
SEAN
Blat launches into the air pulling a immobile Jacklyn, with an Eggerton barely managing to cling to Jacklyn’s feet. Let’s roll Defy Danger, Eggerton.
MIKE
6.
SEAN
And with a scream, Eggerton begins falling as Blat brings Jacklyn higher.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Aaaaa!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Eggsy! Stay on top of the armour! Don’t let the black stuff touch you!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
…okay?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right! I’m gonna drop Jacklyn off on top of the caravan, then I’ll come back for you.
SEAN
Eggerton, you look down and you’re standing in a pool of it inside the suit.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Uh… there may be a small problem.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No! No! This is a good plan. This is a fine plan. I’ve already… there. Jacklyn is on the roof of the caravan. Now I come back for you. It’s fine.
SEAN
A coldness is spreading up your body, Eggerton.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Um. I’ve got some concerns about the goo?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It’s all right. I’m here. Okay, so just grab my hands. Grab my hands, I’ll yank ya up.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(sinister, echoing voice)
It’s time for you to come in.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
What? Come in to where?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Come on, Blat. I have to show you something in here.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Ohhhh, you sound different. Why did you get sexy all of a sudden?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
This is how I’ve always sounded. You’re just seeing me for who I really am now.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
Come on, Blat. I have a fairy cake with your name on it.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now that just sounds nasty. So, I’m just gonna fly back to the caravan for a second—you play with the armour bits, okay?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’ll be there soon, Blat.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oookay, that’s not terrifying at all.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(shouting)
Blat! What’s happening? Why aren’t you getting Eggerton?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well, here’s the thing. You refused to do anything so now Eggerton is evil, but we got Jacklyn! Hooray!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I refused to do anything? I held off Jacklyn so we weren’t all killed!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Don’t get her angry! She has to stay focused on Jacklyn!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, lord. Well, look. He stepped in the black stabby cloud goo and now he’s evil.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
What?! The Shattering got Eggerton?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Look. Everybody gets a turn at being evil and it was just Eggerton’s number was called.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, wait. Okay. We have to get Jacklyn into the Moira room. That’s the first order of business, because I can’t hold this spell any longer. Snegal! How do we get Jacklyn in there?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
We just carry them in!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay! Well, let’s do that. Blat—help me.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right.
MARISA
And I climb up on top of the caravan
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Should we bring Eggsy too and put him in?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Uhhh, we’re gonna hold off letting Eggsy in for the moment. All right, here’s Jacklyn. Take Jacklyn—
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Wait. I got a leg.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. So just carry Jacklyn to this room and I’ll go… talk to Eggsy.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay, here! I’ll get the door.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait, wait, wait. Snegal. How do we know that Moira is not going to burst out when you open this door?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, good point.
SEAN
And so he… there’s a little square in the door that has an eye hole. He pulls it to the side, jumps up a little and goes,
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, she’s still tied up.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay! Well, uh… I guess she’s really not happy.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’m gonna wait out here because she doesn’t like me right now.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay. Uh…
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I’ll open the door.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
That’s right. And then I’m just gonna shove Jacklyn in. Ready? And… in!
SEAN (AS MOIRA)
(muffled, outraged grunting)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Close the door! Close the door!
SEAN
You see Moira thrashing in a chair when she catches sight of you.
SEAN (AS MOIRA)
(murderous sounds)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hi Moira! Still working on, uh, stopping the end of time! We’ll check in later okay bye bye!
(to Snegal)
Close the door!
The door slams.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yeah, she didn’t seem too happy.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Okay, let’s get back outside. We gotta deal with Eggerton.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay.
MARISA
I climb back outside the caravan to see what Blat’s up to.
SEAN
You come back outside. And you see Eggsy is now floating above the suit of armour in the air with blackness all around him, and talking with Blat.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Okay, Eggsy, we all know how this works. The metal tube goes boom. If you get any closer I’m gonna have to pull the trigger.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
You can try pulling the trigger. But you will never stop what is destined to be.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Y’know, I don’t care for you this way. So just stay on that side of the armour. If you get any closer, I’m gonna have to make with the kaboom.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
You would shoot at Eggerton?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
(aside, to Darcy)
I’m stalling for time!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, so you weren’t really gonna shoot at him?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Don’t say that out loud!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh! Sorry.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
This time you’re stalling for, what’s it gonna get us?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
It’s gonna get someone else to come out here to have a better idea if they have it.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
We’re all out here and we don’t have any good ideas!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right. All right. All right. Go inside and get some of those, um, chemically-infused fairy cake goo that we had from yesterday.
SEAN
And that’s when an explosion rocks the caravan and that side of the caravan blows outward, showing a giant gaping hole in what’s left of the kitchen.
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
(stoned surfer-dude voice)
Oh, sorry, guys! I was trying to keep it all together!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Ohhh, it’s the mixing bowl.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, I see. We left an explosive substance in the care of an inanimate object. That probably wasn’t a good move.
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
Really awesome trippy high, dude!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Wait! Hand me the mixing bowl!
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
Uh? Yeah, dude! I’m comin’!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Eggsy? Look who I’ve got!
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
Eggsy, bro!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Now… you wouldn’t do anything to your old pal, um…
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
Mixing Bowl Dude.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Mixing Bowl… Dude?
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I… I don’t understand.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
I’ve got Mixing Bowl Dude. Mixing Bowl Dude is your… good dude.
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
(whispers)
Oh, right. I get what you’re doing, bro.
(shouts)
No, don’t hurt me! Oh, no! Help! No!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No! I wasn’t threatening—no, I’m not threatening the mixing bowl! I’m not—what are you doing?! I’m not threatening the mixing bowl! Mixing Bowl is my dude as well!
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
No, I thought like you know, like—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Would you shut up, you stupid inanimate object?!
SEAN (AS THE MIXING BOWL)
I might be a little high, bro!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
You’re high all the time!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’ll just crush you both.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, lord. Don’t trust a bowl in combat.
LATER
SEAN
Dawn is slowly rising. The caravan is creakily moving its way now around the bend, heading northward along the western bank. The right side of the caravan has a gaping hole in it. And riding on top of the caravan is Blat, and tied up and gagged and trailing the caravan slightly, floating in the air and tethered by a rope, is Eggsy.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(growls)
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, I know this still isn’t ideal. Eggerton’s evil, but… just listen to the silence.
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
(growls)
The door opens.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
(shouting)
What’s that, Blat? Did you want something?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No… I forgot that there’s another Chatty Cathy in the party.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I think I found some food still in the kitchen that wasn’t destroyed, Blat.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Good. Do we have anything that might, ah, potentially un-dark-side Eggerton?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, I don’t know. I did find some pieces of fairy cake though. Here you go.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Well… hmm. We don’t quite know what the properties are for this new weird fairy cake goo. It did turn an old lady into an octopus.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, yeah.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
But possibly it might be able to do something to Eggerton that might be good?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Wait, we’re risking octopus juice on evil Eggerton?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
He’s already evil. How much worse can he get?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Oh! He could be an evil cephalopod. How about that?!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Very good use of high vocabulary. Kudos.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Thank you. I’m good under pressure. Now listen. Maybe—and I know he’s our friend—but maybe we should just let Eggerton hang out up there for a little while. Sometimes the Shattering goes away. Remember when it took me over? It was temporary.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
What if we wash the black goo off his boots?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal. You’re remarkably smart these days. That’s not a bad idea.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Thank you!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
We just think this is simply a laundry problem?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Well, maybe Snegal’s right. Maybe it’s the properties of the goo that’s clinging to Eggerton that are making him evil.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, well, I’ll keep driving if… Snegal, you want to float back there and take a scrub brush to his shoes, go right ahead.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Okay! I’ll just get my strength up by popping one of these fairy cakes.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Wait! Wait!
(groans)
MARISA (AS DARCY)
(sighs)
MIKE
It’s a 10! Well no, 9 for you. It’s a 9 for you.
SEAN
So Snegal is…?
CARTER
Feeling glamorous.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, whoa, these things are really good—
(not glamorous but amorous)
Oh, Your Evilship!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
That’s right! So let’s get back there and start with the boot scrubbing.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, you want me to scrub your boots?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No, no, not my boots, Eggerton’s boots.
All at once:
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Here, let me—oh, your boots are so beautiful…
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Hey! Hey, what are you doing to my feet?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Snegal! What are you doing? Snegal!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Hey! Stop!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yes. Oh, yes, kick at me! Kick at me, yes! Ohohoho!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
No! No! I want to kick at you but you seem to like it!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohoho! Woooo!
More chaotic shouting.
MIKE
Cut to eight minutes later.
Silence.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohh, that was… Was that good for you?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
NO IT ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Sorry! Ohoho! Sorry. Oh, I was supposed to be doing something.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Yes! You’re supposed to scrub evil off of our compatriot!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oho, we can sing the Friend Song later.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, God, get off! Get off of me!
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Yes sir. I’m gonna go—oh, look! Darcy’s finished taking the gunk off the boots!
MARISA (AS DARCY)
…I needed to get away from what was happening down here.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, thank you for leaving me alone.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I think I got most of it off.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
So, is he evil?
MARISA (AS DARCY)
I don’t know. Let’s take a look.
(calls)
Eggerton?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
I think he’s still gagged.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hmm. What are the eyes look like? Can you see it this angle?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh, His Evilship’s eyes are just beautiful in a dark—
CARTER (AS BLAT)
NOT ME.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Oh.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Eggerton’s eyes. Can anyone tell? All right.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
He’s looking a little funny.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
Hmm. Maybe cleaning off the goo, you know, it still has some residual effects. I guess we could try taking the gag off. What do you think?
CARTER (AS BLAT)
He’ll only say things that disturb you, but… other than that, it’s probably not so bad.
MARISA (AS DARCY)
All right. Well, you’ve either got to fly up or we got a reel him in to take that gag off.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh, yes. I forgot. The one with the wings has to do everything. All right. Snegal, man the pedals. You can see over, can’t you?
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
Ohoho! Oh yeah!
SEAN
And Snegal goes fully down on the pedals.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh well, just try to keep on a slight curve so we don’t fall off the mountain.
SEAN (AS SNEGAL)
(muffled)
Okay!
CARTER
So Blat flies back, where Eggerton is still tied to the back of the caravan floating.
CARTER (AS BLAT)
All right, Eggsy. I’m gonna take off this gag, and you’re just gonna say the first thing that comes to your mind. All right? Aaaaand… speak!
MIKE (AS EGGERTON)
I’m so happy that you and Snegal are finally together!
CARTER (AS BLAT)
Oh god, that’s both the best and the worst thing you could have possibly said.
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie. Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Steven Smith, Supporting producers: David Friedenberg, Kim Bellinger, Ryan Cushman and Evelyn Jones. If you like the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at otherbothers.com.
OUTTAKE
SEAN
…fully clad in armour and each… is it a gauntlet? What’s a foot? Not a gauntlet…
MARISA
Boot.
MIKE
(snickers)
SEAN
Boot? I don’t know, is there a better armour name for a foot boot?
MIKE
Foot boot!
MARISA
(laughs)
SEAN
Okay.
MIKE
As opposed to one of those penis boots.
SEAN
Each foot boot hits the ground…
CARTER
Oh, don’t say “foot boot”.
Laughter.