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38: Forward Into The Past

Darcy, Blat and Eggerton escape from the Shattering and into an almost forgotten era, hoping for a second chance to head off a future catastrophe.

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: fantasy racism/speciesism and ableism, slavery, brief gruesome descriptions, imprisonment and bad math.

PREVIOUSLY…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(shaken)

The world has still ended.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve got my fairy cake, so that helps.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I could actually use a fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Want a fairy cake?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, please.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why don’t you start with a half? They’re pretty strong.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, okay.

ANNOUNCER

Previously on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am Blat.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m Darcy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

My name’s Eggerton, and I come up with ideas for the Committee of States to tell things to people.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I ladle soup for a living.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I worked in a filing room.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

“Welcome to the Past!”

So as you all know, the end of time happened because you experienced it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you believe all that stuff? Do you think we’re supposed to, what, save the world?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

This is the Academy of the Fallen. We are in the business of keeping the balance to reality, and we fight what we call the Shattering.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Who are you?

Kill them all.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I have a question!

MARISA

What is standing in front of him is this huge, glowing-eyed werecupine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I have found out from a demonic overlord that I have the power to create future weaponry. Bazooka!

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

To stop me, you’re going to march on entire worlds and massacre everyone in them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That wasn’t my plan.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

You summoned me from within the Nexus?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That might have been a mistake.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I’m sorry, Darcy. I can’t pass up this opportunity.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I might have invited the Shattering into the Academy of the Fallen. I mean, it might really be fallen. Like, really fallen.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

The Shattering has won, and I can’t find the Nexus. It’s no longer attached to here.

KRISTI (AS TEKMAR)

I can feel it.

Give me your key. Ananka, please.

MAGGIE (AS ANANKA)

If I could do it for you, Tekmar, I would.

KRISTI (AS TEKMAR)

You’ve got so much still left to do.

You’ve got to guide those three. Help them try again.

SEAN

And all of you see this giant start to rise up out of the ground.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh, it’s the Shattering.

SEAN (AS THE GIANT)

You should have taken my job offer. This time stream is mine!

SEAN

You see Moira slam the staff into the ground, and a portal begins to form.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

We don’t have long!

SEAN

And stepping out of the portal is Eggerton, wearing knight’s armour.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON IN ARMOUR)

I need you to come in the portal now!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But that’s not me!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It sounds like him! I’m going for the portal!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was hoping there’d be a way to abandon the final battle, and I’m going to take it!

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

Okay, Eggerton!

Yeah, Eggerton?

Let’s do it!

MIKE

And Eggerton throws himself through the portal.

SEAN

And the other Eggerton, the one wearing the armour, stays.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggsy! What are you doing?!

THE VORTEX

SEAN

Eggerton, Darcy, and Blat are tumbling head over heels through a vortex as worlds zip by.

They’re not in the void. They’re in a series of tunnels that keep changing and branching off and yanking them suddenly left and suddenly down and suddenly up until they don’t know which direction is what. Flash after flash of memories, of visions, of everything.

And as they’re flying through this ever-changing mirage of branching tunnels, each of them catches a glimpse of a memory from their past.

We start with Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

My first fairy cake!

It was so delicious.

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY CAKE)

I’ll always remember you, Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(tearful)

I remember you too, Lemon Bite.

SEAN (AS THE FAIRY CAKE)

I remember you too.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m pretty sure you were only in me for about 12 hours.

SEAN

Eggerton tumbles head over heels, a tear in his eye, as Blat catches a glimpse of a forgotten moment.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

But Father! Why do you want to keep me from going to school? I want to play with the other children!

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

There are some things you’re not ready for yet, Blat.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

A tie? I do find the knots a bit complex at this age. But again, I will forgive myself, as I am only four years of age!

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

You aren’t like the other children.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

Well, true, the other children seem to have much paler complexions than I, and I do have these flappy things in the back which are quite fun!

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

You must hide them!

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

What?

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

You must never stand out. You will be… chased in the streets.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

Well, I… that is one of our favourite games, me and the children. Chasing in the streets! I chase you, you chase me!

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

No! No! No, Blat! It leads to… darkness for you.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

Darkness for me? Well, I am afraid of the dark. Then again, I am only four years old!

All right, Father, I’ll do as you ask. I’ll slap these things down underneath the shirt, and I shall endeavour to fit in!

SEAN (AS BLAT’S FATHER)

That’s a good lad.

CARTER (AS YOUNG BLAT)

Huzzah!

SEAN

(laughing)

Blat smiles with the fondness of his early childhood memory as the three of them are shaken left, then right, then down through a changing purple vortex that shoots past… the void, where Darcy catches a glimpse of a past encounter.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

I am not going back to school. It’s stupid.

SEAN (AS A TEACHER)

But Darcy, you need an education.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

No.

SEAN (AS TEACHER)

But all of the other children want an education too. So they can serve. They can serve the Empire. Don’t you want to serve the Empire, Darcy?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

No, I don’t want to be a servant. I don’t want to be an automaton. I don’t want to do what they want me to do. I want to do my own thing.

SEAN (AS TEACHER)

But if you don’t go to school, you’ll end up, I don’t know, serving slop in a cafeteria line.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Ha! That’s ridiculous. I’d be caught dead before I’d be doing that.

CARTER (AS FELLOW STUDENT MELVIN)

Hey guys, good news! Turns out, I’m going to be an automaton!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Oh boy.

CARTER (AS MELVIN)

High five! Woo! Woo!

So what are you going to do?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

I’m going to be somebody, Melvin. I’m going to be somebody who doesn’t serve the Empire and who does her own thing. And I don’t know what that is yet, but it’s not happening at school.

CARTER (AS MELVIN)

Serving slop in a cafeteria! High five! Woo! Woo!

SEAN

Darcy looks perturbed and a little hot under the collar as the three of them flash through, timeline after timeline, worlds emerging, flying and suspended in the air in front of them. And then they’re zapping past, one after the other, increasing in speed until everything is just a blur moving at the speed of light.

THE COLISEUM

Bombastic prog rock music.

SEAN

It’s a hot day.

And there’s constant movement as we see down over endless red roofs shining in the sun against gleaming whitewashed walls, a perfectly laid out city. We see small and strange figures of many different hues of black and red wander these streets, all different types of demons.

And we come down to a rather mid-sized coliseum that still seats hundreds.

And there appears to be a debate going on. The seats are half filled, but those who are there are listening intently as Dixon and Xyr of the Demon Debate Club debate…?

MIKE

Popsicles.

SEAN

The merits of popsicles in the sun.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

I believe that this tasty treat can help those afflicted by overheating, an unknown disease that causes our demon brethren to feel slightly warmer than they should.

SEAN (AS XYR)

We are born of the fires, oh brother. We are not for those things that are tasty and cool. In fact, the sample you brought is but a puddle. It cannot withstand the heat that is ours.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

That is because you left it intentionally in the hot spot of the coliseum. Had you kept it perhaps in the shade, I know it sounds a little unorthodox, but it would not melt so quickly, and then those brothers of ours who are more fair would be able to join us here in the glory of debates.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

Will the senator yield?

SEAN (AS XYR)

I will yield to thee, Jagger.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

I display before you a popsicle. Watch as I hold it in my hand for but a second.

A little whoomf! of flame and a sizzling sound.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

It has now burst into flame. My hand is sticky; my thirst has not been quenched.

Popsicles are stupid.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

But these are not for you. These are for those who cannot heat themselves, those few who have been afflicted, who we must serve. For if we do not serve the least of us, what shall become of the most of us?

SEAN (AS XYR)

Will you yield, Jagger?

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

All right, I’ll yield.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Do you speak of the unspeakable? Do you speak of the beasts themselves?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

No, no, no, no. There might be some confusion here. The beasts are not worthy of note, and even bringing them into this debate is beyond silliness.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Who? Then who does not bring heat onto the popsicle?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

I bring before you from the shadows… the Afflicted One!

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

(small, weak voice)

Hello.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Wait, it is too bright here for us to see the Afflicted One.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

I struggle with heating myself despite my demon blood. I run cold all the time, and I don’t know how to bring this ball of flame that you can create so easily.

SEAN (AS XYR)

I’m afraid we are defeated, Jagger. He has brought a shadow demon forth to claim his argument.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

A tasty treat would actually make my life easier, and I find these popsicles attractive and interesting.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

I have never heard of a demon, even one Shadowborn, who was unable to heat oneself.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Hm.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

No, there are many of us. You just don’t see us because we live on the outer rim of the city. You know, where you never step because you say it is filthy and horrible?

Mutterings of agreement.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

It is filthy and horrible.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

It is, yes. It is a horribleness is very clear.

SEAN

And at that moment, a shockwave explodes outward in the sky above as a portal appears and every demon throughout the city drops what they are doing and stares upward in shock as there are three flashes of light, as three beings plummet down from the sky.

Sounds of bewilderment from the demons.

MARISA AND CARTER (AS DARCY AND BLAT)

Aaaaaaa!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping!

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix.

Your game master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Carter Siddall, and Marisa King.

Episode 38: Forward into the Past!

THE COLISEUM

SEAN

We cut to the centre of the coliseum, where a few demons stand staring down at the creatures that are laying on the ground.

SEAN (AS XYR)

I think they’re dead.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Perhaps someone should poke them.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

I say we get the Shadowborn demon to do it.

SEAN (AS XYR)

That’s a good point.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Shadowborn, step forward.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

All right, I do poke disgusting things all the time. Here we go.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Wait, wait! One of them is a demon.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

(gasps)

No demon I’ve ever seen looks this way.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Even stranger than me.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Look how thin it is.

SEAN (AS XYR)

One of them is a beast!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

No! Here in the coliseum.

SEAN (AS XYR)

I don’t know what this third one is.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

It is squishy.

CARTER (AS JAGGER)

I believe it must be some sort of fruit?

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ah, very well.

Come come, Veth Shadow. Prod away.

MARISA (AS THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Okay. Eh! Eh!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(waking up suddenly)

Aaa! Football practice!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

It speaks.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Loxsyn.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

What is a Loxsyn?

SEAN (AS XYR)

I… I believe that’s a fruit. From the tropics.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Oh, the Loxsyn must be this little thing there next to them.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ah, yes.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

You there, demon… cousin?

SEAN (AS XYR)

What are you doing with this beast?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

And the fruit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh…

Well, um, we have dropped in on this group because we’re tourists. Yes, that’s it, tourists. And we’re looking for a place to spend our vacation. Are there amusing things to… do here?

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

He speaks very strangely.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Yes.

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Stranger than us.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Yes.

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

I can almost not understand him.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Yes, a very strange dialect. He must indeed be a traveller, but you travel with a beast and a fruit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um, uh, well, um, they’re different looking than us, true, but, uh, they’re my servants! Yes, my servants! Who I… vacation with.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, Blat, whoa, wow. My head hurts. What’s going on?

SEAN (AS XYR)

Wait.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Is the beast speaking?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s happening? Ooo.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

What blasphemy is this?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, Blat, I’m seeing doubles and triples. Oh, no. Oh, no.

SEAN (AS XYR)

You have taught your beast to speak?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I won’t have any of your… smart mouth now, Darcy! Um, have you prepared my… clothing for this vacation?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you say smart mouth?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(lowers his voice)

Okay, you’re gonna have to just go with this. Just go with this quickly. Just go with this quickly.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(aloud)

So! You’ve lost my luggage. Harrumph! I will take this out of the, uh, funds I don’t pay you. I’m gonna start paying you and then take the money away because you lost my luggage. Oh, I am so upset.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You mean the… luggage that I dumped in the river on purpose because you treat me so badly?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, a fresh beating will be yours once we are in our… hotel!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

This is why I’m such a strong advocate for keeping the beasts away from the city. You really don’t know what they’re going to do and it just seems bad manners and really impolite to introduce this to the Colosseum.

SEAN (AS XYR)

I don’t know what the rules are in your city, but in our city the beasts do not enter the city.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, we just fell from the… the ceiling for reasons that involve, um…

She moonlights as a ceiling cleaner! Oh, you’re spending far too much time cleaning the ceilings of buildings that are not mine and instead are not tending to my vacation luggage needs. Come, we will take our… food item that has not gained consciousness yet and be on our way.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Demon brother.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Demon?

SEAN (AS XYR)

While we may not agree on most things, perhaps on this we are in agreement that we should call the centurions.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Indeed.

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Call the centurions! Call the centurions!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Centurion!

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

I am eager that there is something here that is more foul than I am and looked-down-upon. Let us oppress them immediately!

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ah, yes. Good, Veth. Good.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Trickle down classonomics. I love it.

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Can I have a popsicle now?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

You have served your purpose.

SEAN

Darcy and Blat, Eggerton is lying unmoving and you see coming out of a gate at the far side of the coliseum two giant ape-like creatures with red fur gleaming all the way down and giant, giant heads.

They’re just, they’re basically all walking muscle and they’ve got half helms on and they are approaching, uh, your position.

CARTER (AS A CENTURION)

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

(absurd old-man voice)

Ahhh! Do we get to centurion something? Is there something here to centurion? I am the head centurion. It’s been so long since I’ve centurioned something.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Ookay. Calm down, centurion.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

No. Calm. Calm.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Calm.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Cennnnturion.

Silence.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ah, yes. We have a beast in the city.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

A beast? Beasts are not allowed in the city! Beasts are not even allowed in the filthy part around the city! There should not be beasts in the city, centurion, centurion, centurion.

MARISA (AS A SECOND CENTURION)

Wlaugh.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Uh.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Guh?

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

You’ll have to forgive, uh, my new employee. She’s new and perhaps not quite as eloquent as I.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Guhhh.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Perhaps you should take these visitors and process them.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Process them! Process them! All right, now, processing, centurion, is the polite way of saying “murder”. So, get that through your head now.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Ghokay.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Okay, now, now, one more time. Centurion.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Gruh?

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

No, no. Centurion!

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Guh?

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Cen… turion.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Guh!

Silence.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion!

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

Guh!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

All right, that was the closest one. All right, centurion, centurion, centurion. All right, you! Up! Up!

SEAN (AS XYR)

No, not me. No, no, not me, the beast.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

I’m sorry. I’ve only got the one eye. I’m sorry.

You! Get up! Get up, you. Get up. Get up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ow! Stop poking me!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

You’re some sort of beast! And beasts are not allowed! So, get up. Get up and get down. You’re going to be processed and then murdered.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Stop! Ow!

(whispers)

Blat! Blat! Did I turn into a werecupine? Oh, I must be a werecupine! That’s why they keep calling me a beast. But I don’t feel my quills… Why do they keep calling me a beast?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just look down at your own body. You can plainly see you’re still wearing clothes and are a human type person.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh. Ha ha. You’re right. That makes complete sense. So…

(shouts)

So, why are you calling me a beast?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(furtive)

Okay, now—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, you! You! You!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Remember when I said smart mouth? This isn’t helping.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Are you addressing me, senior debate master?

SEAN (AS XYR)

But, but, that cannot happen.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

No, this, this is entirely incorrect.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Listen, horny.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

(affronted harrumph)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No one calls me a beast unless…

SEAN (AS XYR)

(snickers)

Sorry, that was. that was good.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Unless I let them call me a beast. So, what’s your problem?

MARISA

And I walk right up and stare up at this demon.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

I, I, I don’t have a problem with, with, with, with…

SEAN (AS XYR)

Oh, that’s a great defense!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Well, no, I, I wasn’t prep—I had done my studying on the popsicles and the shadows…

SEAN (AS XYR)

Oh, so you’re not prepared to be cross-examined at this moment, is that it?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

I did not know this debate would be occurring today. If we’ll all just stand still, I’ll take out my notebook and… flip through to A for, uh, “at fault” and… find the beast section…

SEAN (AS XYR)

I’ll take care of this.

(to Darcy)

Okay, uh, fine. What do I refer to you as?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I refer to myself as Darcy. You can call me Darcy.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Okay, a Darcy. Well, a Darcy. This city does not allow Darcies.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How can you not allow Darcies? I bet you’ve never even met a Darcy before.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Well, we’ve met, I’ve met many beasts. I’ve met many “Darcies”. Never one who could challenge or talk. It is sort of upsetting, but also… unusual. It is unusual. Um, and we don’t like unusual here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you’re—

SEAN (AS XYR)

This is a well-run city.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re pretty unusual to me. I mean, you’re all demons, right? Like, there must be loads of you here. When does that ever happen?

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

(anxious muttering)

Now is not the time to be making bold statements…

SEAN (AS XYR)

Um, well, ha ha, it’s, what do you mean? This is, this is a city.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Who else would live in a city, but demons?

Dixon and Xyr laugh heartily.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ha ha! The gnomes?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Those tree dwellers!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion! Am I finally going to be able to process somebody?

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Yes, go ahead.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Go ahead, take them away.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

All right, all right, you! None of your smart mouth! That’s what this one said. None of your smart mouth! Come on, you’re going to get processed outside, and then we’re going to squish you flat and use you with pancake batter. Come on, out you go. Out you go.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

(unintelligible growls)

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

You take that one. You take that one, and I’ll pick up this piece of fruit.

All right, come on. Come on, fruit. Up you go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(unintelligible mumbles of protest)

What are you doing? I don’t wanna go.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

The fruit’s talking, sir! The fruit is talking!

SEAN (AS XYR)

Everything’s talking.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(slurring)

It’s not time for school. I’m going to sleep a little bit more.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Wait, what is it? It’s like, is it a… wait, it has eyes!

MIKE (AS DIXON)

It has eyes? What? No.

SEAN (AS XYR)

And a mouth. Ow! It bit me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well stop putting your fingers there.

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

I think it’s a kumquat.

SEAN (AS XYR)

I’ve heard of kumquats. I’ve never seen a kumquat. I didn’t realize they were a… mouthy little thing.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

I thought they were purple.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Yes, me too.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion. It has two eyes. Perhaps I can pluck one of them out and put it into my eye hole here. And I would rather have the eye of a piece of fruit than no eye at all.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Yeah, fine.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

I’ll process this one into pancake batter and then I’ll squish this piece of fruit and take its eye.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m not fruit!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

You’re not fruit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You’re fruit!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

I…

(silence)

Ohhh, centurion, centurion. What this piece of fruit said was quite insulting and now I am insulted. I don’t feel that I can do my job properly.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Oh, no, no, you’re not fruit. You’re a centurion, a powerful soldier.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Ah, centurion, centurion. No, I shall take your eye. I shall take it and put it into my eye hole.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I’ll take your eye and put it into my eye hole!

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

You don’t have an eye hole! You have two eyes! You don’t have an eye hole!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

One of them’s a little sore though because I got poked, I think.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

All right, now the piece of fruit is telling me stories about its past. I am confused, centurion.

SEAN (AS XYR)

Just take these two and process them. The strange skinny demon can stay.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

All right, so you, pancake batter, and you’re going to give me your eye.

Come on, you, new recruit, you take the mouthy beast and I’ll take this piece of fruit. Come on, come on, you’re going to get processed.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

(growls of agreement)

MIKE (AS DIXON)

This is what happens when we allow liberal arts colleges.

SEAN

Blat, you’re standing watching, head still ringing as this pair of giant demons start to pull your two friends away.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, ha ha, so there’s been a little bit of a miscommunication.

You see, I lied. I’m actually a travelling zookeeper. And the thing is, I travel to places far and wide, picking up interesting specimens and we go on tour to different towns and villages and show them off.

And what you’ve seen here was act one of our new production, Hey, Come See the New Creatures, Kiddies. So if you’re interested in all of what you’ve seen, bring your offspring to the town square. We’ll be there in three days’ time showing off, um, mouthy beasts and talking fruit.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

You are a performer.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, yes, fine, we’ll go with that.

SEAN (AS XYR)

(roars)

Centurions! Take him away as well!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, come on! We’re performers—

SEAN (AS XYR)

Like we allow performers in here! Ha ha.

MARISA (AS SECOND CENTURION)

(cajoling noises)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, I’ll come along quietly, it’s fine. Take me with the others.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It is the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hello, friends. It’s Sean here and welcome to the start of a new arc. We’re not really sure what to call it or how to organize it. We didn’t really expect this to happen at this time, but we’re here.

And before we get you back into the show, I want to do some shout outs because we’ve fallen behind. There’s been so many of you joining as patrons and we are behind. I’m reading 10 each time and I’m having trouble catching up. So thanks to everyone. I am going to get to your names.

So here we go. Thank you to Morgan Macleod-Finke. Thank you. I hope I said your name right. To Tal Minear. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To A, the letter A. Thank you. I’m not sure who you are, but thank you to Ilda Gates, to Oni and to Darcy Kennedy. Oh, we’re so happy to have you with us.

Alice, Mallyarty, Rachel Penabade and Bruce Guenzler. Hope I said those names right. Thank you, each of you, for joining us and supporting everything we create in the Alba world.

And now it’s time for the oldies but goodies. The people who have been with us since the beginning almost at this point. Thank you.

The first shout out goes to Gabe Templin of Just Press Playhouse. If you have not listened to Just Press Playhouse, go, go, go, go, go. We love everything they do. So talented. Thank you, Gabe, for your support.

To Amanda O. Thank you, Amanda. Thank you for being with us and continuing to support us.

And to Wil Williams. I can never thank Wil enough for all that she has done to support Alba and our shows and for her kindness and for her dedication. If you don’t follow Wil Williams, you need to go to Wil Williams Writes. But there’s another special surprise. You could be listening to Wil’s audio fiction. It is called Valence. Go and check it out.

Next up is Justin Mohareb, who you might know as the Jolly Jester who we have made into a character on this show. Thank you so much, Justin.

And to Kat S. Thank you, Kat. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to all of you for continuing to support us.

And now, without further ado, I think we have a midroll for you.

MIDROLL: FIVE MINUTES (ABRIDGED)

SEAN

Oh, there you are, Carter.

CARTER

Yep. Yep. Yep. I’m here.

SEAN

Thanks. You sure we want to do this today? Because I know, we said we would see how long we can get Eggerton to go if he can go past five minutes. I’m just like, I don’t know. Now that the day’s here, I’m like, I don’t know if I want to sit through that.

CARTER

He can do it. You know he can do it.

SEAN

I know.

CARTER

We promised that we would try just for the sake of experimentation.

So…

SEAN

Why don’t we have to try if we know he’s going to do it? Why don’t we put ourselves through the pain? Why don’t we just say he did it?

CARTER

Because we need to prove to other people that don’t know him that he can do it. We gotta record that in order to—

SEAN

Oh. That’s him coming in! Oh, no, it’s Darcy.

MARISA

Is this the day?

CARTER

This is the day!

MARISA

I bought popcorn!

CARTER

Okay, let’s do it.

MARISA

Here we go.

SEAN

Well, we sort of need Michael.

MARISA

I know. He’s coming. Okay. I ran ahead with the popcorn. Okay. I’m ready.

SEAN

All right, well, you’re going to have to, I don’t think I can do it, Carter. I’m going to leave it to you.

MIKE

So why did everyone, why did you run past me with popcorn?

MARISA

Hey, Michael…

MIKE

Hey, Mees. I just was walking up the street and you just ran right past me carrying popcorn.

MARISA

I know. Sorry I knocked you over there.

MIKE

Yeah, that’s, well, you know, physics.

MARISA

(suspicious giggling)

CARTER

Here’s the thing.

MIKE

Okay.

SEAN

Maybe you should, maybe you should sit down.

MIKE

Oh. Yeah, okay.

(sits)

CARTER

Yeah, please. Get comfortable. Get comfortable.

SEAN

Can I get you a glass of water, like a really big glass of water?

MIKE

Sure.

SEAN

Okay, I’ll go get that.

CARTER

Okay.

You love playing Eggerton.

MIKE

I do.

CARTER

You love talking about the fairy cakes.

MIKE

I do.

CARTER

Okay.

SEAN

Here you go.

MIKE

Thank you.

CARTER

So we’re wondering, all of us here, exactly how you came up with the fairy cake idea, how many types of fairy cakes are there, what’s in, you know, the creation of fairy cakes…

MIKE

Sure. Sure.

CARTER

If you could just go into brutal detail, that’d be great.

SEAN

Just whatever’s natural.

MIKE

Okay, sure. Well, yeah, all right.

So I think the first time I heard about fairy cakes was actually during Alba Salix because Holly, when they’re in the woods and they’re walking around, leaves them behind. It’s kind of a fun little like Hansel and Gretel type thing, right? Leaving bits of fairy cake. But then she starts eating the fairy cakes.

And I remember thinking it was funny that they were kind of like infused with something because she got giddy and confused by eating all the fairy cakes.

SEAN

(whispers)

Oh my God, he’s going to do it.

So when we started coming up with the idea to do this show…

Crossfade to later in Mike’s monologue.

MIKE

…so the purple swirly definitely is my favourite. I see a lot of people do fan art because…

CARTER

That’s two minutes.

Later:

MIKE

…they’re just chocolate and mint filling.

MARISA

I finished the popcorn.

MIKE

I’m pretty sure though that if you lose and the more you lose, the more you have to eat and that makes it harder to play. It would be a great game. We should probably do that.

SEAN

Oh god.

CARTER

(rising desperation)

Okay. It’s been five minutes. It’s been five minutes! Shut him up! It’s been five minutes!

SEAN

Quick, put a fairy cake in his mouth!

Shouting and struggling.

MIKE

(muffled grumbling)

MARISA

We need to market him.

SEAN

You just heard us fading from the beginning to the end of that because Eli is kind. But if you want to hear the full unedited five minutes, you can get that by supporting us at any level on Patreon. Just go to other bothers.com and click on the Patreon link.

MIKE

What about cookies with fairy cake chips?

CARTER

Shut up! Shut up!

SEAN

Put a fairy cake in his mouth!

Music sting.

THE DUNGEON

SEAN

There’s the sound of footsteps echoing down a hall, soon replaced by the dripping of water.

The camera finds our three adventurers in a dank, dark dungeon cell once again. Rather well built and not that dirty, but a dungeon cell nevertheless. And a single hall leads to the room.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, let’s review.

The last thing I remember is Moira and a portal and another Eggerton and then we were here. So I have a question.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh huh?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

When’s lunch?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, Eggerton, that’s not the question. The question is, where are we? Where is this?

Blat, you would know they’re demons. Do you know some kind of demon land where it’s all demons?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I see. So if there’s any demon related questions, I have to automatically know what this is all about.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mm-hmm.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, that’s fair. I do know what this is about.

So if you remember from your grade school days, there was a period in Balgomarian history that was a bit, shall we say, vague. This was known as the Demon Era.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The frightening thing is the demon era happened, oh dear Lord, I want to say tens of thousands of millennia ago.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, that—but—no.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I see. So that’s impossible. The fact that we went a bit back in time, that’s reasonable. The fact that we’ve gone even further back in time, oh, that’s impossible.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

If we go this far back in time, won’t we throw off the space-time continuum in some way?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ve destroyed an entire time period! Do you remember that? You rescued yourself! I thought maybe that’d be something you’d remember.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sure. I kind of remember that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh-huh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But I’m just curious as to what impact we’ll have on the future.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There is no future. The Shattering is travelling backwards, taking out all of history. The period that we were just at? Gone, kaput. Us three knuckleknobs, we did our best to try and save that era and we failed. So now we’ve just gone further back where we’ll just muddle around in here for a bit, fail, probably go back to an earlier era one more time, where Eggerton will probably step on the first critter that crawls out of the primordial ooze, and then that’ll be it. We’ve taken out all of existence because we’re morons who don’t know what we’re doing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But there is going to be a lunch.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

More than likely, yes. This seems like a reasonable place that serves food to prisoners.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I am curious though as to why all prisons we’ve been in are dank. I mean, this one’s very clean, it’s well lit, it doesn’t seem to be subterranean, yet still dank.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think probably because they don’t want to care too much about, you know, criminals and such.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Interesting, interesting, interesting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Or a performer, a piece of fruit, and some sort of beastie, is what you were called?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, they did not like Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is with that? I don’t get it. I mean, surely they’ve seen humans before.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well… if I remember the vague mutterings of other demons, yeah, this particular era wasn’t too human-friendly.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What do you mean?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You were seen as more of a dessert item.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? But so many humans are in charge in the future.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes.

SEAN

There’s a jangle of jewellery, is the best way I can describe it, coming down the hall.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Listen, a jangle. I think it’s from jewellery.

SEAN

A very large, like eight to ten feet tall, Marilith demon is sliding into the room. Half snake from the waist down, very large snake, and from the waist up, a rather normal looking Marilith demon male wearing a lot of jewellery and ornate robes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

Slightly horrifying, slightly horrifying.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, there’s a snake on your bottom half, sir! I want you to remain calm.

Blat, I need your help. This person is being half devoured by a snake!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(mutters)

Speciesist, you’re being speciesist.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s a snake!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re being speciesist, don’t be speciesist. Shut up, shut up.

SEAN

The demon places two of its hands on its face and the other two on its hips and the last two behind its back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat! The snake has too many arms.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Not a snake, not a snake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s a snake and it’s got a head and arms.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shut your mouth, shuuut your mouth. Just stop the old fairy cake hole from flapping.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Which of you is the fruit?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, do you like fruit?

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Well, yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

To eat?

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Well, if it is really fruit, then sure, fine.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, it’s not me. They thought he was fruit, but he’s not really fruit, so you don’t eat him because he’s not fruit. He was just referred to as fruit. Which we did find amusing.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Yeah. The beast I can tell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I don’t know why you call me a beast, but that’s me.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

And… how fascinating.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you’re kind of fascinating. You’re half snake and half demon.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

I’m all demon, but thank you.

And to what—

SEAN

And the snake demon starts coming closer.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The snake demon’s slithering. Slithering!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shut, shut, shut up. Shut, shut. Just put your fist into your mouth and stop talking. There you go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(muffled sounds)

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

And how would you refer to yourself then?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I am a human and my name is Darcy and you don’t have to call me names.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

(to himself)

Human. Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you have a name?

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Ah, yes. My apologies. I’m sorry, not used to addressing…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Darcy.

SEAN (AS THE DEMON)

Darcy. My name is Narf the Nefarious.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Narf the Nefarious. That’s good. That’s some good, uh,

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Alliteration.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Alliteration.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(still muffled)

Alliteration!

All right, take—It’s not working. Just take the fist out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but there’s alliteration everywhere if you’re willing to look for it. That’s all I’m saying.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, and your name?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m Blat. Nice to meet you. It’s a short form of my full name which is Blathoxil.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Of what house?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Of the house of my father… Andrew.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Blathoxil of Andrew. It is, I suppose… a pleasure to meet you, under the circumstances.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Just an unfortunate misunderstanding and that’s why we’ve been locked up here. But I’m sure that things will work out, some civil service snafu or something, and we’ll just be sent on our way.

SEAN (AS NARF)

(chuckles)

Of course, of course.

And you, Mr. Fruit?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s—I am Eggerton. I have the rank of General.

SEAN (AS NARF)

General Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

General Eggerton, yes.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Of what province?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, well, I was in His Majesty’s propaganda department—Long Live Boltius.

CARTER AND MARISA (AS BLAT AND DARCY)

Long Live Boltius.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you. And then I was involved in Paradox for a bit. And then Darcy—

SEAN (AS NARF)

Is that a legion I don’t know the name of?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, there was a legion there and Darcy then let the Shattering in and killed all of them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh boy. Not this again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ixnay on the ast-pay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The what?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just, uh… he also is from the House of Andrew!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Who’s Andrew?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Big house.

SEAN (AS NARF)

General Eggerton of Andrew, it is a pleasure to meet you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, thank you. And what was your name again?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Narf the Nefarious.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Narf the Nefarious.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, Narf of Nefarious.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Narf of Nefarious. And where is Nefarious?

SEAN (AS NARF)

You are in our house now. It is—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Nefarious is a house?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes, it is my family’s name.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Your family name is Nefarious?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And you’re Narf?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So it’s a G‑N or an N?

SEAN (AS NARF)

It is an N.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Interesting, interesting, interesting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(whispers)

This is probably where the word comes from. This is why you think it’s weird. But probably this is why the word “nefarious” exists.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean… Nefarious exists? This is where it started? This is the etymology of Nefarious?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey Narf, can I ask you a question? When are we? Like, do you have a year thing going on here?

SEAN (AS NARF)

It is the Year of the Third Feast.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, that sounds like a long time ago.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s an old timey thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t even remember that from school.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Question. Quick question, is there any leftovers from the second feast?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Um. No, there are no leftovers from the coup.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The coop? Did you have like a coop where you kept plants?

SEAN (AS NARF)

No, it was a pretty dark time.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well you know what? Pleather can grow in almost any condition. So I’m sure we can find some around here and I can use it to whip up something. If you just leave me to your kitchen, I’d be happy to show you a few recipes.

SEAN (AS NARF)

I thought you were a general.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Not in the kitchen! General of kitchenware, cutlery and plates and such.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Blat, was it? Blat of Andrew? Perhaps you could just tell me—

SEAN

And he slides even closer, but a slight grin and a glint in his eye.

SEAN (AS NARF)

—what city and province your house is from.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Yes. Well, I can certainly tell you that. We are from Balgomar and… it sank. Yep, it sank. So you wouldn’t know anything about it. Someone unplugged a pothole and uh, all this water started pouring out and it just sank. And we three are the only survivors of the sinking.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, for Loxsyn’s sake. Listen, Narf, what do you plan to do with us? You’re just going to lock us up and throw away the key? Because let me tell you, we’ve been through a lot of cells. We’ve been chased by a lot of people. We’ve been beaten up by a lot of people and I’m getting a little tired of it. So why don’t you just tell us right now what your plans are for us? Come on, Narfie. Let’s hear it.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, I purchased you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Excuse me?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, yes, you were going to be taken and processed. So I purchased you for my collection. Not sure what I was going to do with you at first, but I’m intrigued. Some things doesn’t fit with you three.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Certainly you Darcy-human.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is obviously some sort of a unfortunate misunderstanding. You see, you obviously can’t purchase me because I’m a demon just like yourself.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Are you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, yep. As you can see. Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just unbutton my shirt here as you can see… Whoopsie! Yep, there they are. Giant wings. So I’m demonic and these are two critters under my charge. So I’ll just pay the fine and off we go.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Okay, you may buy your freedom.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Excellent.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Who was worth the most? Was it me? I feel like I’d be worth the most.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, I paid one price. I suppose we could divide it however you see fit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So I’d say I’m like 75 and then Blat and Darcy are each 25% of the price.

SEAN (AS NARF)

It doesn’t… yes. Well, you need pay only twelve and a half percent of the 2000 coppins I paid.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You got a lot of coppins there, don’t you Blat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I hope you don’t cop to it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, just a moment. I’m sure this is something that would impress him.

How about an even trade? Instead of coppins, I could offer you an interesting new weapon for your collection. This is called a… bazooka.

SEAN

Darcy, what appears?

MARISA

(thinks)

A tangerine.

The sound of a bazooka appearing—but instead of a metallic click and snap, there’s a dull plop.

SEAN

A tangerine falls into your hand.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, a bazooka. I do not know that fruit. I’m not sure if it’s worth that many coppins, but I am intrigued.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, we’ll just have to… keep saying the word, won’t we? Here, I’ll just hand this to you.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Thank you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There you are. That’s got to be worth half a coppin. And… bazooka.

MARISA

Acorn.

Pop!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Now that I know what that is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, we all know what that is. It’s where trees come from. Okay, just… ha ha, this hasn’t happened before—

SEAN

He’s moving even closer to the bars.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, just… I’m gonna get this. I’m gonna get this. I’m probably emphasizing the wrong syllable. BazooKA?

MARISA

Feather.

Pop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Part of a bird. We all know that. I’m not showing you anything you don’t know.

SEAN (AS NARF)

How are you doing that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s… It’s okay. If you’re impressed by this, oh boy, are you gonna be impressed in a minute? Okay. BaZOOka.

MARISA

Bird’s nest.

Pop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

See, this is part of the feather thing. It’s like what this is from. But you’ve seen this before. So, okay. Here. Hrk! I’m just gonna… stretch it out. Gotta stretch first. Gettin’ older. It’s not quite as easy as it once was. That’s fine. It’s fine. Just keep it professional.

SEAN (AS NARF)

It’s in your sleeves. In your sleeves, right?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no. Nothing up my sleeves! Nothing up my sleeves. All right… BAzooka.

MARISA

Copper pot.

Pop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, well, these are just handy.

SEAN (AS NARF)

No. There’s no way.

SEAN (AS NARF)

These are just handy wherever you are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I can actually use the pot.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, I’m trying to barter our freedom.

All right, so. We got the nut, the feather, the bird’s nest. Gonna put those in the copper pot. How much is this worth to you?

SEAN (AS NARF)

(whispers)

You are worth everything to me now.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That doesn’t sound positive, but you’re saying it in a positive way.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes. How are you doing that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh, Loxsyn.

LATER…

SEAN

Darcy, you are tossing and turning, trying to sleep in the cell. You can’t stop listening to that tick and tick of the drops of water and replay in your mind over and over what happened when a light starts to glow. At first you think it’s just your imagination. Then you realize there’s a light glowing in your cell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What the…? What? Wait. Is this Loxsyn? Loxsyn, can you hear me? Can you hear me even now?

SEAN

A light is hanging in the air and beginning to glow brighter and brighter and it’s blurry. There’s something moving.

Behind you, Eggerton mumbles and turns over in his sleep. Blat has been taken out of the cell to meet with Narf and is not there at this moment.

When you suddenly hear a voice and it sounds warped and distorted at first. And it takes a moment to realize that it’s Moira’s voice.

Darcy?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(crackling and indistinct)

Darcy, I think I see you. Darcy, can you hear me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Moira? Moira, I’m here. I’m here!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy, I can’t hold this open much longer! I’m not sure where you ended up.

Can you hear me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! Demons, Moira! Demons! They’re everywhere!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy—find the three keys. They are there. Find the three keys of the—

SEAN

And the light goes out.

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Marisa King, Carter Siddall, and Michael Howie.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Kim Bellinger and Kona.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

CARTER (AS CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion, centurion.

MIKE

Loxsyn said knock you out!

CARTER

Unh!