Skip to content

39: Inside House Nefarious

Blat resigns himself to his fate, while Darcy plots and Eggerton makes an alarming discovery.

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: fantasy racism/speciesism, imprisonment, panic, mentions of death and destruction, culinary failure.

LAST TIME…

A rift opens in the sky. Darcy, Blat and Eggerton plummet to earth.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

MARISA AND CARTER (AS DARCY AND BLAT)

Aaaaaaa!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping, I’m flapping!

Fast-paced music plays.

SEAN (AS XYR)

You travel with a beast and a fruit.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No one calls me a beast.

MIKE (AS DIXON)

Who else would live in a city with demons?

SEAN (AS XYR)

The gnomes? Ha ha ha!

MARISA (AS VETH THE AFFLICTED ONE)

Call the centurions! Let us suppress them immediately!

SEAN (AS XYR)

Ah yes, good, Veth.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

There should not be beasts in the city! Centurion, centurion.

SEAN

The camera finds our three adventurers in a dungeon cell once again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The Shattering is travelling backwards, taking out all of history. The frightening thing is the demon era happened, I want to say tens of thousands of millennia ago.

SEAN

A tall Marilith demon is sliding into the room, half snake from the waist down.

SEAN (AS NARF)

My name is Narf of Nefarious.

You are going to be taken and processed, so I purchased you for my collection.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I could offer you an interesting new weapon for your collection! Bazooka.

SEAN

A tangerine falls into your hand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ba-zoo-KA?

The sound of a tangerine materializing instead of a magical bazooka: plunk.

MARISA

Feather. Bird’s nest. Copper pot.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How much is this worth to you?

SEAN (AS NARF)

You are worth everything to me now.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(staticky and indistinct)

Darcy, can you hear me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Moira?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Darcy! Find the three keys of the…

SEAN

And the light goes out.

THE DUNGEON

SEAN

We open underneath the ground the sound of dripping water and a series of cells. And in one of those cells, we see Darcy sitting back against the wall in the dampness, while Eggerton lies on a small, pallet-like bed, tossing and turning.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(mumbling)

Sugar…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton.

Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(waking up)

Wha… What? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How can you sleep at a time like this?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

How can you be awake at a time like this?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Because we have to figure out a way to get out of here. This is all very familiar, the whole “we’re stuck in a dank cell and we’ve got to find our way out.” I mean, how many times is this going to happen to us?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I think that this one may be slightly unique in that we are no longer in time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, we were in our time, then we weren’t in our time, then we were in other times, and then I thought maybe we’d go back to our time, but now we’re out of time. I’m trying to do the math and it’s not adding up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but we’re still stuck in a cell no matter where, when, or what we are. We’ve got to get out of here, right? I mean, we have to figure out what they’re doing with Blat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean by “what we are”?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t know. They treat us differently here, really differently. I don’t even know what they see. I mean, don’t they think you’re a fruit?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They do think I’m a fruit.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, so that’s weird, right?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, based on my experience, it’s not the worst thing people have thought I am.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, you know, sometimes your positive attitude is very helpful. I will admit that. But right now, I need you to be a little angry, just a little frustrated with the situation.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A little frustrated.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, so you can come on board with me and maybe let’s come up with some ideas, because we don’t have Blat’s bazooka, remember, can’t even create it, it appears, and so is you, me, and… nothing.

SEAN

Footsteps are coming down the hall. It sounds like someone in cloth footwear and also a clopping of hooves.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, shh, just stand back here. Someone’s coming.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ll take up the rear position behind you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s your usual position, so that makes sense.

SEAN

(off mic)

Sorry, gotta look something up. Uh…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’ll just keep waiting. I’m sure this mysterious beast will be here sooner or later.

SEAN

I lost all my notes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They’re mumbling to themselves in some foreign language and seemingly searching through a tome, I don’t know.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion, centurion!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it’s you again!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

I’m tired of waiting. Now it’s centurion’s time to shine. Centurion, centurion, centurion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh—

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

You should be sleeping! Why are you not sleeping?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I’m…

(suddenly begins snoring)

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, you are sleeping! So it’s you who was talking! Why are you talking to yourself in two different voices? Centurion, centurion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m talking in my sleep, that’s all.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Are you awake now?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I’m asleep.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

You’re asleep!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(begins snoring as well)

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ahhh, I’m arguing with sleeping people! centurion, centurion. Centurion.

SEAN

And behind the centurion, stepping into the area with the cells, is Blat.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion, centurion! You’re the freaky skinny demon who isn’t all demon.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I was hoping if perhaps I could be let into my cell once again. I’ve had a wonderful time displaying how freaky I am.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion! Don’t tell me your sob story, boy. You at least got two eyes. I lost mine once in a demon fight.

I’ll fight you, ye demon! I still got one good eye left. And I’ll take a swing at you—

Oh, I missed! I have no depth perception. Let’s try to—haaa!

All right, this time for sure! Hi-yaaa!

Laughter.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

All right, you’ve outwitted me this time. Get in your cell! Centurion, centurion, centurion.

The cell door clangs shut.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So should I just, um, lock it as I usually do? Just reach through the bars… turn the key… remove the key, throw the key down the hall.

There we are! Snug for the night. All right! I’ll see you in the morning, centurion, you freaky one-eyed idiot.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie, and Carter Siddall.

Episode 39: Inside House Nefarious.

THE DUNGEON

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why did you throw the key down the hallway, Blat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I really liked the plan right up until when you got rid of the only way out for us.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, look! We’re gonna be here for a while, all right? ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you what’s gonna happen. You are going to rescue us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I… I am?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You are. Well, not you, you, but some sort of future you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

‘Cause remember, when we came into this time, there was another you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There was.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And then that you didn’t come with us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Right.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So I figured that you is gonna come back at a certain point and save us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Unless that Eggerton got killed by the Shattering.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But that does mean that we get out of this situation.

Because then if you you becomes future you, that means you got out of this cell.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But what if that was future me from another parallel timeline, and as coming back here, we’ve erased that timeline?

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I should not have thrown the key away. I just assumed that we were good to go.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, boy.

You must be making some headway with them, Blat. They always seem to want to see more of you. Can’t you convince them to let us out of here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Look, they’ve got a certain level of interest in me. I keep getting invited to these parties where it’s like, “Hey, freak, perform for us!” And they prod me a bit, and ladies will kind of poke at me going, “Oh, isn’t he interesting?”

And then that’s about it. I eat a canape, and I brought back here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you say you brought back a canape?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I ate a canape. See, I’m not allowed to bring any food back with me because they don’t want to feed the fruit, which is what you are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sighs)

I’m wasting away.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re not, though.

SEAN

And that’s when Eggerton realizes that he has no more fairy cakes in his pouch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

Uh-oh. Um, there’s a problem. There’s a problem.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You mean apart from us being locked in this cell?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This is worse than that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, what’s the problem, Eggerton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

My fairy cake pouch?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s empty.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow. I don’t think that’s ever happened.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It hasn’t because it’s connected to the kitchen in the Blatavan.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The Blatavan, which is thousands of years ahead of us from our current position?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

If we are still in the same timeline stream. Portal. Vortex. Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, that’s been erased, buddy. This is as far ahead into the future as we got now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(beginning to panic)

But then how do I… Because if I… But it’s my identity and the culture and…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, okay. Don’t panic. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe the dusty, moldy air.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasping and wheezing)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, Blat. You have to get Eggerton into a kitchen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I just…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Which should be easy, because they think he’s a fruit.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So I’m going to bring him in like he’s a sack of groceries?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Listen. They think you’re interesting. They think that you can do all these special things. So if you can make it sound like Eggerton helps you do more special things, like he’s like your assistant kumquat, then they might be able to get you to a kitchen and just accept him like they don’t even notice him.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s like asking a loaf of bread to cook you dinner. I don’t know if they’re going to be accepting of that!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you have a loaf of bread?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I used to have a weapon that would get us out of sticky situations. I don’t have that anymore. So maybe that’s a bigger deal than your ability to cough up hallucinogenic dessert items.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is the loaf sticky? Is that what you’re saying?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. I’m just going to lie over here and pretend that I’m asleep, because I…

I can’t even with you. I can’t even with you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t worry. He’ll get you into a kitchen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s hope so.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion! Centurion! Are you sleeping still? Who’s sleeping? Is someone awake? You both better be—

Darcy and Eggerton immediately start fake snoring.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Why is this key lying here in the hallway? It’s in the lock! That way you don’t lose it.

The centurion puts the key back in the lock.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion, I’ve had to do all the work around here, you freaky talking pieces of fruit and beasts and half demon, centurion….

MORNING

SEAN

We cut to morning. A faint glimmer of light from down the hall. The dripping sounds echoing as the three adventurers all agree to admit they’re awake and are waiting to see what happens next.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I say we turn the key that’s in the lock.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Where would we go?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Down the hall.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And then what?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know. What’s at the end of the hall?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, there’s a few more halls, and then after that we’re in a demon city, and after that I think we’re in some sort of demon county. After that we’re in a demon province, followed by a demon country, followed by Demon World!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So what you’re saying is we should turn left at the end of the hall.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know how to get out of this situation. We’re minorities. We’re looked-down-upon minorities. I don’t know how we could just sneak away somewhere. There’s no more backup. We don’t have a cavalry waiting to swoop in in case we screw up. We’re three idiots without a headquarters.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re two idiots without a headquarters. Now listen, what we have to do is infiltrate, okay? You know these people. You’re getting to know some of them. You’ve got to figure out where we could maybe get an ally or someone who might help us. You know, use your demonic wiles or something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My demonic wiles? Excuse me, but just off the top of my head, just spitballing, just as a topic of conversation, if I were to say, “Oh, I don’t know, want to get away from people like you,” do you know someone who could help me with that? Like that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know. I think there might be some people who might not all agree here. Maybe you could just get some wedges in there and divide them up, you know, divide and conquer, right? Take Eggerton with you. Sell him as some kind of special assistant. Get him into a kitchen. We need those fairy cakes. It’s about the only thing that he can do for us. No offense, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

None taken.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So why don’t we start with that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you think just because I’m accepted as some sort of freakish anomaly in this wherever we are, that people are just going to automatically listen to every little suggestion that I make?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, no, but maybe you could listen to what they’re all saying since they barely notice you, and maybe there’ll be some clues dropped as to how we can get out of here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Listen, no one is just going to drop that information so easily.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion! Are you awake? It’s time to be awake now!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re awake! We’re awake!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Are you standing up awake or are you standing up with still sleeping?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m standing up awake.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Like a horse. Are you sleeping like a horse?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You have horses?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

So you’re awake?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, yeah, I’m awake.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You! You skinny red one, you’re awake?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I’m presently conscious. I’m here to entertain the demonic masses with my amazing abilities, but this time, um… could I bring this kumquat along?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m the kumquat.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion! Every act is funnier with a kumquat!

All right, you bring the kumquat along and we’ll make sure that the richy folks are entertained but good. Ah, you kumquat! Come on! Get out of the cell! Get out of the cell, you talking kumquat!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay! I’m going!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

You, beastie! You stay here! You stay here! Oh, you lousy beast! You make me sick, just the look of you! Oh, you’re so hideous to behold! You’re not a natural beauty like I am! Arrrrrrg!

Laughter.

MARISA

And as they go down the hall, I reach my arm through the cell and pocket the key that’s sticking out of the door.

THE KITCHEN

SEAN

Okay, we cut to a long hall where time after time, Blat and his escort Haxor, the centurion centurion centurion, would normally go left towards the laboratory, but in this instance, Blat and his kumquat are heading right while Haxor stands and waits, heading towards what they believe is a kitchen in the demon house, House Nefarious.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s right, just going to find a washroom. We’ll be back with you in a moment. All right, just can you sniff out a kitchen around here somewhere?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let me use my fae senses and… Does that sign say “Kitchen”?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh yes, that does say kitchen. Yes, yes, very good. Okay, and just open the door slightly…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh no.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh…

SEAN

You see a very rustic kitchen with chopping blocks and large crates. The only thing that will stand out to you, Eggerton, right away is you don’t see an oven anywhere, but you do see a demon shuffling along with eight arms and a serpent body. In two of its arms, it is heating up some ingredients.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, excuse me, terrifying, nightmarish apparition.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

(sudden violent hiss)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh…! I don’t like that.

Hi, my name is Eggerton. I am a kumquat and I am here to assist you in preparing a feast of this prisoner’s culinary history and culture for the party.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Finally! Stop talking and get cooking.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, could you just put the fangs away though?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

I don’t know how to do that!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well maybe just try… smiling?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Ssssss!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ahh! No, don’t!

(panting)

Okay, okay, it’s okay.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Use that cooking block over there.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ll go do that. Um, dude, where do you keep the sugar?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The sugar?For baking?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

What? What is baking and what is sugar?

I don’t have time for this! You are supposed to help me. Make your feast, you must make!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, oh no. Um…

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

The ingredients are in the big barrels.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The big barrels? Okay, well I’ll go over to this barrel and lift the lid and I see…

SEAN

A lot of off-smelling veggies and fruits and other things, you’re not sure what they are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(groans)

Okay, well this one’s not pulsating like the rest so I’m going to take this yellowy lumpy thing out.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Ah, very smart! Good choice!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why is it warm?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

It is always warm. It is spicy!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so I take that and I put it down on the block. Um, do you have a mixing bowl?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

A mixing… Ah, bowl! Yes, here!

SEAN

He throws a bowl towards you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, this is definitely not stainless steel. All right.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Steel?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s a thing and you have to burn it. Never mind.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Burn? I can burn the bowl for you!

The bowl goes up in flames.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I don’t… Darn! Okay, can I have another bowl?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

There’s plenty, go get your own! I must do my work.

MIKE

So I go around and I grab another bowl and take the weird lumpy fruit and put it in there.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, do you have any flour?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

I am done! With you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but can I have some flour first?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

We have arrowroot.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay, that might work. Where’s the arrowroot?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

In the third bin.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The third bin, all right. Oh, this isn’t like a grain though, it’s like a whole plant.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Yeah, mash it, it makes flour. Arrowroot flour.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But doesn’t it come pre-mashed?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Oh, this is gonna be a bad day for me, isn’t it?

THE DUNGEON

SEAN

Darcy, you are sitting in the damp cell when you hear a “Pssst!” from the cell, three down at the end.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(whispers)

Did someone say “pssst”?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

(whispers)

I did.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who’s down there?

Silence.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

Is it safe to speak?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think so, I don’t hear the centurion.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

It is a crime to speak!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

For a beast to speak, as they call us.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you a beast?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

That is a vile word.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, yeah, I don’t much care for it.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

I’ve seen you, you look like… like my people.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well, just a minute.

MARISA

And I take the key and I put it in the lock and I undo the cell door.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

What are you doing? What are you doing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And I go out and I walk down to the cell with…

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

No, no, no, oh my god, no!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, calm down, calm down.

MARISA

And I come face to face with this person and what do I see?

SEAN

You see a young woman now cowering at the back of her cell, dressed in rags and trying not to look at you.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

Go away before we are killed!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? We’re not going to be killed. What’s wrong with you?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

You… you… we are not allowed out!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s what they want you to think, but we can get out.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

No, no, please don’t be seen talking to me. I too will be killed!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, how long have you been here?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They just threw you down here and forgot about you?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

I… I snuck into the city. I knew the risk I took. I broke the laws.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, why did you sneak into a demon city?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

Because things were stolen from our village and I decided I would steal them back. It was a stupid decision.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, so they take things from you?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

We are not allowed to own anything.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow. This is so different from where I come from.

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

Please, please just go back to your cell and talk from there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, all right. Just relax. I’m backing up. I’m going back to my cell. I’m locking the door.

So, what’s your name?

SEAN (AS A FELLOW PRISONER)

Rachel, but I’m called the Crafty Druid in my people.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, so you’re a druid?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Well, I don’t know. I’m just called that. My mother was also called that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, do you know any other people who are in these cells? Like you?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

There were.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

No one comes back except for the… strange red man with you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, yeah. That’s my friend Blat. I’m trying to get him to talk more to the demons. Can you talk to them?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Why? Why would you do that?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, because I think it’s the only way to get information.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

It’s a crime. You will be killed!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’ve been in a lot of tight situations and we usually figure out a way to get out of it.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

I should not be talking to you. This is stupid. I always make stupid decisions.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, listen, Rachel, if you don’t talk to somebody, you’re never going to get out of here and you’re just going to waste away and die here. Do you want that?

SEAN

There’s no answer.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rachel?

Hmm. I might have offended her.

Rachel?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

I’m not talking to you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why? I haven’t done anything wrong.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

You’re going to get me killed.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not going to get you killed.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Pretend I never pssst-ed at you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, fine. But in the morning, we’re going to talk about this some more.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

We’ll see.

THE HALLWAYS

SEAN

We return to Blat, who is standing on the corner waiting for Eggerton. The centurion has wandered off, has lost interest or forgotten that they were supposed to watch you. Blat, you are standing in a corridor. From here, you know the direction that Eggerton went to this kitchen. You know the direction the centurion wandered is towards…

(consults his notes)

towards the main hall. Don’t know why I couldn’t remember that. It’s towards the main hall.

From the main hall, there are the places you have been would be the laboratory. You also have a room that’s been given to you. And it’s a beautiful room, like for diplomats. But so far, you have been returning to the dungeon cell.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, how long does it actually take to make off-brand fairy cakes?

SEAN

You hear an explosion from the direction of the kitchen and screaming.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Probably longer than I thought. That’s fine.

Let’s see. I certainly don’t want to go into the main hall. If I go that way, I might run into the Centurion. Hmm. I wonder if there’s anything in the old laboratory that I could gawk at.

CARTER

Blat tries the door to the lab.

SEAN

It is open.

CARTER

Blat opens it slightly just so he can see inside the room.

SEAN

You know this room well. There are three levels going deeper.

The top level has some desks and books and shelves, and it’s always a bit disheveled. The second level has a variety of small tables with bubbling liquids and those kinds of things. And then the deepest level, there’s a section that is devoted right now to, well, Blat.

It is where you are sometimes restrained, sometimes just standing while you conjure up items to a variety of different machines that are littered all around as Narf attempts over and over to try and measure what you’re doing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. I think my first bit of business is try to conjure up a weapon since I can no longer get a bazooka.

Pop.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And that’s a cupcake? Okay, very good. I’ll just set that over here.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Put your hands up and don’t move.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord. Please tell me it’s the cupcake saying that.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Turn around slowly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m putting my hands up and I’m turning around slowly.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Oh! You’re it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I’m—

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

You’re the weird one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I’m it. The “weird one”. Thank you very much.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

You’re the one they’re studying.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yep, that would be me.

SEAN

In front of Blat is a shadowy-like demon figure, half shadow, half demon. Who I’m going to say is the same one as before, Marisa, who is named Veth.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Well, well, well. So you’ve become the pet of Narf.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I was once the pet of Celene, so I’m sort of used to having this sort of relationship with higher-up important-type folks.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

I don’t know Celene. Which house is she from?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

From the house of… not this time period?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

I don’t know that house, but obviously you say strange, weird things.

I am Veth from House Salamander. You might remember me?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes. You’re one of the people who say things like, “Hey, make something appear, freak!” and then zap me with things.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Well, no, I don’t. Because we didn’t get to you first.

But I need to know what they’ve been discovering here. What are you?

MARISA

And I poke at Blat hard.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What are you doing here? What magical powers do you have that Narf is trying to take advantage of?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, Veth, my darling.

SEAN

Says Narf, sliding into the door on his snake body.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Narf! I didn’t see you there, gawking in the shadows.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, it is a long way from the main hall where we are having dinner, Veth.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Yes, I must have got confused as to which direction to go.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes, it wouldn’t be because House Salamander has interest in my experiments, would it?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Not at all. The door was open and I noticed a few things were knocked over, so I came in to clean them up, as I’m always cleaning up your messes.

(chuckles)

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes, don’t let me delay you from dinner.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Not at all. Nice to meet you… Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So everyone is using the lab during the morning time? That’s just something I want to establish. This is a place the people are in the morning?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, Blat, there is someone I wish for you to meet. I’ve been waiting for you at the main hall.

And I’ve noticed you haven’t been using your room. Is it not to your liking?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, the room is very nice, other than the fact that I can’t leave the building.

I was just checking in on my, uh, beastie and kumquat each night just to make sure that they’re okay.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Very strange, yes. Come, come, I wish to show you off—I mean, for you to meet the Dwoven Ambassador.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, good. Present myself as a freaky weirdo in front of new important people. Oh, how I live for this.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, good. It is good to hear.

SEAN

And he slides and ushers Blat down the hall following Veth’s hovering form.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time! And Other Bothers.

ELI

Hey there, it’s Eli here with the announcements. Unfortunately, the main announcement is that we’re going to be on pause for just a little while.

As you know, we record in person and with everything that’s going on, we’re practicing our good old social distancing.

We’ve postponed our next recording session for a brief while. We’ve also got a few bonuses still in the can from earlier, so look for those on our Patreon if you’re looking for a fix.

Also, in the meantime, check out the DM to GM podcast. They do an occasional actual play one shot.

This time it’s Sean as the Game Master playing a newish game called Offworlders. It’s a very space opera‑y and fun. Russ from Facing Fate and Dumpsters and Dragons obviously is in on it too, Celeste from Venture Maidens and Tim from Greetings, Adventurers! Yeah, it’s a load of fun. Do check that out on the DM2GM podcast. Look that up wherever you find your podcasts.

So that’s the news for now. Uh, yeah! Stay well out there, be good to each other, and we will talk to you again very soon.

MIDROLL: THE PORTAL SALESMAN

Gerhardt the Portal Salesman is munching on some tortilla chips.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ah, this is a pretty good reality. I enjoy that they have the Tostitos that are flavoured with lime. Ah, it’s tangy.

The grinding bass note of the Shattering.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Who is not yet dead in my lands?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I would imagine several people. There’s many people that are not dead. Like, I’m not dead. And I have an Aunt Judy who is not dead. She had a husband that old, my uncle Oliver, he passed away. We don’t know how. He was just one day in the kitchen and he went gurk and he fell down. And then we had a funeral.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Ah, good point. There, Judy is now dead.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

What? Judy is dead? Have you heard something? Who are you, mysterious voice in the darkness?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I am the Shattering and you will be my next victim.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

How could that be your name? “The Shattering” is more like a title.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Feel my icy touch.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Your touch is so icy! I don’t like—you don’t even have limbs. This is so icy! I do not like this.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Why are you not dying?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I, it’s not my time yet. I don’t like this. What happens is when I see something I don’t like, I just call up a portal to take me somewhere else.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Portal?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

They say that I have avoidance issues, but it’s just something that I get to have because I, I sell portals.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

But I have control over all time and all. I thought all places.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay, so I do like you very much. So I’m going to go to a different reality.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Yes, open a portal to somewhere else. Take me with you.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, I only have room in the portal for me and these new-

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I have Tostitos.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You have Tostitos?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Lime flavoured.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Lime flavoured? I also have lime flavoured Tostitos.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I have salsa dip.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You have salsa and… ohhh, guacamole.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Yeah, and guacamole too.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

All right, you give up guacamole salsa, I will open up one dimension. Just one dimension only.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay, here we go.

They vanish through a portal.

Laughter.

MIKE

Uh…. please support us on Patreon, I guess?

SEAN

Okay, no. Act quick and support us at OtherBothers.com before this reality disappears too!

THE KITCHEN

We cut to the kitchen where the eight-armed half-snake demonic cook is scowling down at Eggerton, who is covered in soot and some of his eyebrows have been singed off.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so that didn’t go exactly as planned, but to be fair, I still don’t know what this lumpy fruit is.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

I want to taste whatever it is you made.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s a little charred. I don’t really like charred, but okay. What if I just toss it to you because I don’t want my hands… Ready? One, two, three.

SEAN

There is a mini explosion as it hits the mouth of the cook who screams with laughter.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

(laughing)

That is delightful! Amazing!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, that’s what they normally do.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Exploding food! Did you use outside ingredients?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, well…

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Tell me, what did you sneak in?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s just this one special ingredient that I always use.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Which is? Yes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, love.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Love.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Love.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Love.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s what makes fairy cakes special.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Tell me more of this love.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s like when you hug someone and it feels warm even though it’s cold.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Wait—“hug”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? You don’t have hugs?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

What is a hug?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

If I come closer to you, are you going to eat my face?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Why would I eat your face? I’m a cook.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Because you’ve got the teeth and the scowling and the demon thing. I mean, like, if those were going to be described as anything, I’d call them face-eating teeth.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

If anyone should be scared here, it’s me! I’m talking to a kumquat!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I’m not actually a kumquat, you know.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I’m a fairy.

Silence.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

You’re saying syllables.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, I am.

Okay, so here, let’s try—okay. I’m just going to come up close and I’m going to put my arms out.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

How many arms should I use to do this?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why don’t we just start with two.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So you put them over my shoulders. I’m going to reach up.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Like this?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, and now we squeeze! Squeeeeze!

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Okay! Mmmmnggg!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasping and wheezing)

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(winded)

Okay, just like, firm but not, you know, crushing. Firm, not crushing. See? And then just… it’s nice!

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s nice.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

What does this have to do with cooking?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, this is one way you can show love.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Love?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Love!

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Love.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s the one thing we all just need a little more of?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Are you sure?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I don’t know, it feels like this place is a little lonely.

A poignant pause.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

(suddenly defensive)

Well, no it’s not, not at all. I must get back to work!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you—

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

I don’t know what we’re talking about.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Go back to making your cakes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ll just try, well, maybe I’ll try one of these purple fruits this time.

The door creaks open.

MARISA (AS A SENIOR SERVANT)

(clapping her hands rapidly)

Strigor! They are demanding the dinner! What are you doing?

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

At once, at once!

(to Eggerton)

Quick, give me those cakes that you made.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, here you go.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Here they are, ready for serving.

MARISA (AS SENIOR SERVANT)

Good! You talk long enough.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Ah, yes.

MARISA (AS SENIOR SERVANT)

I will take these to the guests. I hope they will be your greatest creation ever.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

(laughs, then mutters)

I hate that servant.

(to Eggerton)

All right. Make more cakes! What are you standing there for?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay! Here we go, here we go.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

Love away, love away!

THE MAIN HALL

Droning, sultry music and gracious conversation.

SEAN

We cut to the main hall, which is quite elegant, with runners and tables, and the walls are festooned with colourful hangings and art, as Blat and Narf enter and the hall grows silent.

And Narf raises a little taller with his serpentine form and waves to the crowd to continue talking. And he beckons to a small figure at the head table, and a gnome stands up, adjusts their clothing, and approaches.

Blat, approaching you, you see a short gnome, not unlike gnomes you would have known from your previous encounters, with long, unkempt hair, ruggedly handsome, wind-burned features, wearing goggles around their neck, and they’re wearing a flight jacket that’s quite a bit too big. And they’re approaching up the steps to where you are.

CARTER

Blat sticks out his hand as he approaches.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(without much feeling)

Hello, I’m a local figure of curious interest.

SEAN

Narf can’t help but chuckle as he introduces Blat.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah yes, it is a custom of this one to shake—what is it you call it—shake…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hands.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Digits? Ah, hands.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s a hand I have. It’s a hand. He has hands too.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes, “shake hands”. Ah, yes. Let me introduce you to Captain Valta of the Dwoven Alliance.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

(high-pitched but gruff)

Ah! Yes, that’s quite an interesting creature there. Hmm. I like the hand, very warm. Are you demon?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am, yes. I’m just a bit smaller and thinner, and that’s why I’m brought out to show off to people.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

And beast-like looking. You do have horns.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I do. I’ve got the pointed ears, and the same skin colour. I’m pretty much a demon then, aren’t I?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

(laughs politely)

I’m sure you are. Yes, I’m sure you are. Who am I to say? I’m but a gnome, ha ha, but a gnome. Ahh, what a fun time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, uh, how’s that dinner working out for you? Saw a little peeksy-doodle at the kitchen on my way in. Got a new man in there, preparing some food.

SEAN

An explosion goes off at a far table, and there’s shouts that seem happy.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Well, it’s not really to my taste, but the demons seem to love it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(to himself)

Okay, so now the food’s exploding. That’s good. Fairy cakes are even worse now when using local ingredients.

SEAN

Narf drifts away, talking to some of the other demons, and you’re standing there at the top of the room with the gnome in the jacket.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So! How to put this easily into conversation. Just gonna slide it in all nonchalant like, uh, Mr. Gnome, uh…

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Captain Val.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Captain, Captain, Captain, Captain.

Any way you could get me out of here?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Ah, this is much easier than I thought it would be. Really.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You want to get me out of here?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

I’m… well, this is my mission to come and steal you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Your mission? Like, we haven’t been here for that long. How could there already be a mission to get us out of here?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

I arrived in my airship this very morn.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You have a… you have an airship?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Well, yes, I’m Captain Val.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This… this very morn?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

You haven’t heard of me?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, I…

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Captain Val. I’ve said it four times.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

No reaction at all.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry. You’re a captain. I thought you were some sort of captain of a ship or something. Not an airship.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No recognition.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I…

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

What about the feat over the mountains?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m…

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

The dragons of Neptune?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m new in town! I don’t…

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

The great crystal that was stolen?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know what you think about the crystal that you stole or the dragons of Neptune! I don’t know anything. I could start telling stories as well and you wouldn’t recognize any of them!

Like, here. Okay. Sure. Have you heard of this?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Right.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Watch this.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Bazooka.

Pop.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Why are you holding a loaf of bread?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You see? Exactly.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Quick, give me some of that. I haven’t eaten in days. They’re all eating exploding food.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yeah. That doesn’t look good at all. Here you go. Take a look at this.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

All right. Well, tonight. Let’s say… sunset.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sunset? Okay.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Meet me on the terrace outside the passage.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, how am I supposed to get to the terrace outside?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

It’s literally next door to the room you’re in.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, they sort of, you know, keep watch over me. What am I supposed to say? “Oh, I’m going to go look out at the airship”?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Fine. Open the door to your room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh-huh.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Make sure nobody’s there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, all right.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Step around the corner to the terrace and I will dock the ship at the terrace. You climb in, we take off! It’s easy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, but how about this? Uh, along with me, I’ve got a beast and a kumquat—

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Yeah, it’s great planning with you. Okay, I’ll see you tonight.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait a second. So is that cool?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Yeah, see you tonight at the terrace!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Son of a Loxsyn! I can’t believe this is going to work.

THE KITCHEN

SEAN

We return to the kitchen where the cook is drinking something out of a flask and seems quite happy with how dinner has gone.

And Eggerton, you have managed to create a collection of fairy cakes… but they’re different.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So normally I’ve got a couple of styles of fairy cake I like to make. The purple swirly is the classic. There’s orange cubes.

SEAN (AS THE COOK)

(drunk)

You keep cooking explosive stuff like that, you have a job here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s nice, but it’s not supposed to—

SEAN

And the demon passes out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Well, um, I guess I’ll just take these with me and put them in my pouch for now… and I’m going to grab that bottle that he was drinking out of. And, um, I guess I’m going to go looking for Blat.

SEAN

Okay, I need you to roll a 20-sided die for me.

MIKE

Ooo. 12.

SEAN

So what you have, we’re going to say you have ten explosive fairy cakes. They do 1d6 damage each on contact or if eaten.

MIKE

Cool. Finally have a weapon!

MARISA

But they don’t have any effect on demons.

MIKE

Well… maybe they could if I like hit them in the back of the knee. Or enough of them at once.

SEAN

Okay. And, uh, the, the cook has passed out. You have some weight in your fairy pouch. The world is right again… though maybe a little lacking in love.

MIKE

It’s sad.

SEAN

And you’re opening the door to go look for Blat.

MIKE

Yep. I’m going to peek out the door. And what do I see?

SEAN

You open the door and come face to face with a floating shadow demon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What are you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a kumquat!

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Oh, I remember. The fruit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, a fruit.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What are you doing here in the kitchen?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I was helping out. I was the sous-chef for the evening.

The, uh, aide-de-comp.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

I don’t understand. You sit there and ferment. How can you help with anything?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I’ve got opposable fermention.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See? I can hold things.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

You have interesting abilities.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know if I call them abilities. I’ve just always been able to hold stuff with my, my, my thumbs.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Are you in Narf’s pocket as well?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, I don’t think he wears pants? So “in the pocket”, I’d say no, though I have been in pockets before. I’ve also, I’ve been in a couple of pocket dimensions.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

You speak in riddles. I don’t know any fruit that speaks in riddles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know a good riddle. Um, what is, uh, in the morning, uh, it crawls and in the afternoon it walks on two legs. And then at night it’s got three legs.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

A demon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You, well, normally we’d say a fairy, but yes, that’s, that’s right.

Cause either they’re a baby in the morning and they crawl and then in the afternoon they’re an animal and they, they walk on two legs. And then at night they’re on a scooter.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

“Fairy”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What does that mean?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s, um, a species. Uh, I am fae is how we would describe it.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

You. Kumquat fae.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. Kumquat fae.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Hmm! Very interesting.

So perhaps you’d like to join me for dinner?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

I am so hungry!

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

That’s good because they put out these incredible exploding cakes in the dining hall!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t, um, yeah, I heard about those and I think they might be a bit spicy for me. So if you just have, though—do you know what sugar is?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you know what it is to be sweet?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you have any items that you could crush down and it would improve the flavor of other things?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

The beasties, ho ho—no, that’s just a silly little joke, really.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(laughs nervously)

‘Cause you wouldn’t crush them down!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no, no. We like to grind them down emotionally, but no, we don’t generally crush them down. We like to take all their things and make sure that they can’t actually live on anything, make their lives terribly difficult.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That sounds kind of mean.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What? Mean?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mean.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

No, no, no! That is just demonic.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Well, um, do you have, uh, any mustard?

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

“Mustard”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What is the deal with this place?!

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie, and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Additional material and sound design by Eli McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Steven Smith. Supporting producers: Kona and Kim Bellinger.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE: CENTURION CENTURION CENTURION

CARTER

(in the Centurion voice)

If I find a character I like, I keep doing it!

MARISA

I know! We know this.

ELI

Really!

SEAN

We cut to a long hall…

CARTER

(laughing)

I’m just trying to get over the fact that I’m my own guard.

Laughter.

SEAN

Yeah, I know. I was trying to look up something, but you went for it. I loved it. Okay, here we go.