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40: Under House Nefarious

At long last… Other Bothers is back!

Blat tries to arrange the party’s escape, while Darcy and Eggerton are put to work.

The Peeps This Week:

Content Warning: fantasy racism/speciesism, imprisonment, slavery, violence and bodily harm.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We were in our time, then we weren’t in our time, then we were in other times, and then I thought maybe we’d go back to our time, but now we’re out of time?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but we’re still stuck in a cell no matter where, when, or what we are.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I used to have a weapon…

SEAN

A tangerine falls into your hand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…that would get us out of sticky situations.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Why are you holding a loaf of bread?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You see?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Psst.

SEAN

You see a young woman now cowering at the back of her cell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s your name?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Rachel. I’m called the Crafty Druid.

You’re going to get me killed!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not going to get you killed, but you’re the—

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Pretend I never psst-ed at you!

SEAN

In front of Blat is a shadowy-like demon figure.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

I am Veth, from House Salamander. You might remember me?

What are you?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

I arrived in my airship this very morn.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You have an airship?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Yes, I’m Captain Val.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Any way you can get me out of here?

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

It is my mission to come and steal you.

Let’s say, um, sunset.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sunset? Okay.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Meet me on the terrace and I will dock the ship. You climb in, we take off! It’s easy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Son of a Loxsyn! I can’t believe this is going to work.

HOUSE NEFARIOUS

Melodramatic prog rock music.

SEAN

The morning sun is rising over the capital demon city of Krannox. A city of red roofs and whitewashed walls, lying in the shadow of an ancient, massive mountain that appears to still be an active volcano from the smoke rising from its heights.

We come down into the city, towards a gleaming gold dome that stands out quite sharply against all the red and the white: House Nefarious.

And we zoom down past guards and hallways and servants and the distant clanging of metal. And we come in to a cell where we find our three adventures attempting to sleep, but all awake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy, are you awake?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, I’m awake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blat, are you awake?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I am quite conscious.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, can you keep it down? I’m trying to sleep.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe you should go over this meeting you had with this, what did you say? Gnome?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, some sort of captain of an airship. They seem to believe that their mission is to rescue me along with you two.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, there’s nothing wrong with that mission!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I think it’s a little suspicious that we’ve only been here for, how long have we been here? Frankly, not long. And there’s already a group that wants to liberate us? How do they even know we’re here?

Anyhoo. Later on tonight, I’m supposed to go to my special room, go out onto the balcony alone, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that, and they’ll pick us up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, this is great! This is our way out. This is what we need.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, all we need to do is to get all of us out of this cell into my special room, go out on the terrace alone without being spotted.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, well getting out of the cell is no problem because that centurion keeps leaving the key in the lock, so it’s really as if it’s open. But admittedly, getting each of us into your room without being seen might be tricky.

Have you convinced them that Eggerton’s just your assistant? I mean, surely you two can get into the room, no problem.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, Eggerton is quite popular now that he’s created explosive food.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Also, Eggsy, who was it that you were speaking to earlier today? Some sort of demonic type creature?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Veth. She was real interested in fairy cakes and in the future and in you and in my opinion on a number of subjects such as what political debate format is best. We had a lengthy conversation about that. I think I gave them some real good information on strategy though that will really help bring up their house in competition with these other houses. Though I don’t really know how houses compete unless it’s kind of on the paint. But does paint really compete? I mean, I guess if they’re contrasting colours, but those are actually complimentary I’ve been told.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So obviously, Veth is up to something if she’s tried to drill this one for information of any sort.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SEAN

Down the hall, you hear the sounds of Narf and the centurion arguing.

SEAN (AS NARF)

What are you doing? Get… No! Just let me go. Let me go first. You follow me.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

I follow you, centurion, centurion. But I am the jailer, so perhaps I should be the one going first!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, fine. Then just walk to the cells. Stop waiting. I’m right behind you.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

You’re right. I can’t let you fall behind, sir. What if you’re overtaken by some sort of prisoner revolt?

SEAN (AS NARF)

(sighs)

Why do I still allow you to be my jailer?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah! It’s because you were once madly in love with my sister, centurion, centurion, and you feel badly because I lost this eye in a demon fight.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes. I apologize again for what I—I mean, for what randomly befell your sister. Please, look, let’s move ahead.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

All right. Here we go. Oh! I’ve stepped on your cloak again. I’m so sorry.

SEAN (AS NARF)

You know how expensive this is!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, centurion, I’m sorry. Working down here in the cells is, gets to be quite sticky because we usually don’t let the prisoners bathe and they throw their own filth.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Just go ahead. And I need the prisoners now.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

You need the prisoners! All right. Now which prisoners do you need? We’ve got the kumquat. We’ve got a beastie.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

We’ve got another beastie. Oh, but that one’s pretty scared with the, “Oh, don’t talk to me! I don’t want to be talked at!”

SEAN (AS NARF)

Both beasties and the kumquat at once.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Okay. And then of course there’s skinny demon person who likes to randomly create things out of thin air.

SEAN (AS NARF)

I told you! He stays in the cell.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

He stays in the cell, centurion, centurion. All right! Two beasties and a kumquat coming right up.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your game master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Marisa King, and Michael Howie.

Episode 40: Under House Nefarious.

THE DUNGEON

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

All right! If you’re sleeping, stop.

Hello?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Stop sleeping?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Stop sleeping! Yes. Now is the time to be conscious.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But what if I’m already awake? Should I stop being awake and start sleeping so I can stop sleeping for you?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

All right! When you get out of the cell, I’m kicking you right in the face!

You, beastie, are you awake?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. What do you want?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Yaaaargh. None of your smart lip now. You’re going to be seen by an important type person! So you get up and you come out of this cell right now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. Are we all going with you?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah! Get Other Beastie. Here’s her key. You take it. I’ve got better things to do. Open the other cell out and bring out the shy beastie.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, but not you, Mister Here Are Things Out Of Thin Air. You stay here now, right!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. I shall stay here in the room that has a key in the lock already.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

That’s right. You stay here. And if that key’s gone, I’ll know you’re gone.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Flawless logic. Yes, indeed.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

And don’t forget, when you get out, I’m kicking you right in the face!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Right. I’m kicking you right in the face when I get out!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

That’s right. Now get out of here immediately!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. And here we go—oh. You’re going to have to come down to my level a bit.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Oh, yes. I’m much taller than you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Down.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Down.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Oh, wait! My knee cracked.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no. Are you okay?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

No, it’s all right. All right. Down…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Here we go. I can look at that for you after if you want.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Oh, that’s very kind of you. Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sometimes it’s just about stretching.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Oh, stretching. No, no, no. I haven’t done that since I lost my eye in a demon fight.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Now, why haven’t you been doing your stretches?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Why haven’t I…? Because I have a big club. And you don’t need to stretch if you got a big club.

Now, I forget. Why is my face now down to your leg level?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, right. Because I am kicking you in the face.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

What?

Whop.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Aagh! Ah, my other eye! And by other I mean only! Ah! Oh, the pain is so intense! Why is this happening? Narf! Please help me, Narf! Señor Nefarious! Aagh! I’m terrible at me job!

SEAN (AS NARF)

What is happening here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, your guard here said he wanted me to kick him in the face.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Against the wall!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. Guard, you better get against the wall.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, I’m against the wall! I’m very sorry, sir.

SEAN (AS NARF)

You! Not you!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

What? Oh, I’m sorry.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Centurion, get the…

Why is the beast over there getting the other beast?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

I asked the beast to get the beast because you wanted both beasts, so both beasts will be got.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Go and fetch them now.

And you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Hello.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Plump little…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh!

SEAN (AS NARF)

I have my eye on you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I have my eye on you.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, we’re here.

Rachel, it’s okay, come on.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

(terrified)

What are they doing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know, but we have to go with them.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

No! We don’t come back if we go!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s okay, just stay quiet and we’ll figure this out.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, what do you want with us?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Don’t forget about me.

Laughter.

CARTER

(sings)

Don’t you… forget about Rachel.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t make any promises.

MIKE

(giggling)

CARTER

Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe if you write it down, Darcy, you’ll remember.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Centurion, please go to the back.

Everyone else, except you, dear Blat, follow me.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Now wait! I’ve lost eyesight now. I got kicked in the other eye. Where’s the back? Are you in the back? Who’s the back? What’s this? Oh, I’m very sorry, beastie, I didn’t mean to grab you there. I, I’ll just, all right, I’ll just stand here and everyone just move around me.

SEAN (AS NARF)

How about this? Centurion, how about you stay here with Blat? And I’m just going to take this sword from the wall and I will lead our lovely guests. If you will please—after you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, why isn’t Blat coming?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Oh, would you like to ask questions? Would you—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, because I really want to know what you’re doing with the sword, why the centurion’s being left here when he can’t see—all on his own, it seems kind of mean—why Blat’s being separated, why you have delegated to the centurion, but seemingly not given them any authority, which makes responsibility extra hard, I should know. And I’m really curious when I can get back into the kitchen because normally I have a kitchen kind of wherever I—

SEAN (AS NARF)

I’m taking you to the kitchen now!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh perfect!

Onward, follow me.

MIKE

And I walk forward.

SEAN

Okay, you start down the hall.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Please, after you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN

Okay. And Eggerton, you start down the hall. Darcy and Rachel following trepidatiously and Narf rises up to full height in his snake form and in one of his arms he is holding the sword as he follows quickly behind Darcy and Rachel.

Eggerton, I assume you’re heading to the kitchen?

MIKE

Mm-hmm.

SEAN

Okay, so as you turn left to go down to the kitchen on the right and you get to the kitchen door, it is locked.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, door’s locked.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah yes, we’re going to go in the back entrance.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I just, there’s a door right here, but is the back entrance far?

SEAN (AS NARF)

No, but see I don’t have a key to the kitchen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why don’t you have a key? Isn’t this your house?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, it is my house, but I have servants for that kind of thing. So if you’ll just keep going and take the next right, we’ll just go around the other way to the back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Sounds good to me. Onward!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(unconvinced)

Yeah, onward.

SEAN

You turn right and you start heading downward, sloping more and more the passageway curving around to the left. You hear the sound of steel and hammers and distant voices of a lot of people and sounds like a roar of fires and it’s getting hotter as you continue to head downward and curving around.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This does not seem to be going towards the kitchen on the same wall. It seems to be going away from the kitchen. Where are we going?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, yes. Well, you see, I’m taking you to meet a new friend. Your new friends. Just a little further.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We don’t have any new friends here.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, you will soon. A very close friend.

SEAN

There’s a strong smell of sulfur that is building that’s getting hotter. You are all starting to sweat and the sound of clanging metal and large, large carts moving, a roar of fire.

You enter a very large space with flames flickering shadows everywhere and you see hundreds, if not thousands of beings and different races and creatures all working in what appears to be a very large mine operation that is happening deep underneath Mount Susan.

And Narf is leading you up towards a six feet hulking figure. If you knew variations of demons, you would call it a Nelfeshne. It has a rippling back, so large he appears to be stooping over at all times. As he turns, you see literally three chins, each with tusks curving out from them. He has arms the size of wheelbarrows and he’s wearing a small cap, a little skull cap that reads PIT BOSS.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is definitely not the kitchen!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah! But food will be provided assuming you work hard.

This is my Pit Boss, Nokan.

SEAN

And the Pit Boss starts marching up to you, just dwarfing you, Eggerton. And he bends down to sniff at you.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

Hmm. This one not a good worker.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, you are right, sir. I am not a good worker and I do not want to be here. I would like to go back to my cell if that’s—

SEAN

And he shoves you off to the side into the wall and walks up to Darcy and sniffs.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

This one will do!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

“Will do” for what? What are you talking about?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Well, Nokan, I require you to use all three.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

Huh, that one no good worker.

SEAN (AS NARF)

I see. But you must have some use, perhaps bringing water.

SEAN

And he sniffs Rachel.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

This one do.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is going on here? You might not know this, but my friend Eggerton here has been taken under the wing of another demon who’s very important and I don’t think she would like what you’re doing here. Her name was… Eggerton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was Veth.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Veth.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Veth.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Veth. Get her down here!

SEAN (AS NARF)

(chortling)

Ha ha! I have not laughed so hard in so long!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(jolly forced laughter)

Ha ha ha!

SEAN (AS NARF)

House Salamander!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ha ha! A salamander’s a lizard, ha ha.

Okay, but seriously, if you just bring Veth down, she’ll explain everything, I’ll go back to the kitchen.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Very well. I will go and speak to her, in the meantime, enjoy your new “friends”.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, you can’t leave us here! Where’s Blat? What are you doing?

THE DUNGEON

SEAN

Meanwhile in the cells, we find Blat trying to teach the centurion how to tie his shoes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, it’s actually not that difficult, you see, you’ve got the two things there on each side and you’re supposed to tie those up… You just, you bring those up, no, up, just, you want to grab both of them at the same time and… up and… all right, just tuck them underneath the sole, that’s also fine.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion. This is much easier, that way you know where they are. You got them underneath the soles of your feet.

Ah! My eyesight’s coming back. I can almost see shapes. Are you a shape? Yes, you’re a shape. You’re one long shape. Ah! now I see—

Aghh! I’ve hit myself against the bars and I’ve gravely injured my proboscis.

Ah, this is not my day.

SEAN

A cold, chill air blows into the cells, a misty shape that almost coalesces and then disappears again into the darkness.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um… h‑hello? Hello?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Hello, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(screams)

Aaaa! Oh. Oh. I’m, ah, Lord, I wasn’t expecting that to happen. Hello.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Whatever are you doing down here all alone in this dark cell?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I usually, um, stayed here in the cell to keep my, ah, friends the beastie and kumquat occupied but, ah, they’ve been taken away.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Taken away? When? By whom?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That would have been by Narf.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Argh! Narf, of course. You don’t happen to know where he took them, do you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes, I was told specifically they were going to—no, I don’t have any idea, I’m a prisoner and are thus treated poorly.

MARISA (AS VETH)

A prisoner? I thought you were his new favourite pet. What happened to that relationship?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m in a cell, you tell me.

SEAN

What’s the centurion doing while he hears all this happening?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, all right! Now if someone just has a tissue, I can just put it up my nostril and then… ah, I need two tissues, I need them for both nostrils. Oh, the bleeding! The bleeding is quite intense.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Centurion, sit down for a minute. Why don’t you get your bearings?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Centurion, centurion, I always feel more confident when my buttocks is firmly pressed against the floor, centurion, centurion, centurion.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Come, Blat, you’re coming with me.

MARISA

And I unlock the cell door.

SEAN

It’s easy, the key is in it.

SEAN

And gesture him out.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, um, are we going back to the laboratory for more testing or perhaps the room where I get to stay in that has a real bed?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Actually, we are going back to the laboratory.

You’re going to show me everything that Narf has on you and the other… bequat or whatever they are.

Now! let’s go quickly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I don’t know how the abilities work. I just say a thing and a thing happens. Here, watch. Bazooka!

Pop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And this is a yo-yo. You see, I don’t know how it works. It just appears out of nowhere.

MARISA (AS VETH)

“Yaw-yaw”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yo-yo, yes, yes.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Yaw… what does it do?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You put the string on your finger here and you hold this in your hand.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Ohhh, it’s a beautiful weapon, how subtle. Oh yes, you take the string like this and then it’s a perfect garrotte. I’ll just keep that for myself. Thank you! You are full of little tricks, aren’t you, Blatty?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ve taken a children’s toy and made it terrible, all right.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Back to the laboratory, let us go! Chop chop!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh yes, chop chop. Now is there any chance that we could be finished this around sundown? I have an appointment that I need to get to around that time.

MARISA (AS VETH)

I’m really not sure how long this will take. It all depends on you, Blat, and how cooperative you choose to be.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I don’t trust myself at all to get that done in time.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time oh my god we’re back!

SEAN

Hey friends, we’re back. Can you believe it? Because I can barely believe it.

It was a long time coming and it just took us a lot of time to figure out how to record safely. We are still meeting in person, but we’ve hung all kinds of things in between everyone. Like there’s a giant window. If you check our social media, we’ll post a picture there.

And I just want to thank you all for your patience and waiting for us to come back for this insane table to do what it does best. And as always, a super shout out to all of our supporters on Patreon. We couldn’t do this without you.

And I think that’s it. Unless there’s something else that’s going to happen now.

Does anybody know what’s going on?

MIDROLL: BABY GALACTOPOID

Music sting.

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

I miss our little one. Our baby Galactopoid.

I feel like I never accomplished what I set out to accomplish in life. And I was sort of going to live vicariously through my offspring, as much of a trope that is.

MARISA (AS BABY GALACTOPOID)

Um, I’m still here! I’m your youngest born. Still here Galactopoiding. Don’t know why you’re so upset that the last of the line is over.

MIKE (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

It’s very nice of you to try and make us feel better little one, but we’re talking about grownup stuff.

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

No, no, don’t talk down to our youngest.

You see, youngest, some are born with a natural world-devouring potential and others… just aren’t.

MARISA (AS BABY GALACTOPOID)

I dug this hole to sit in.

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

Yeah, it’s a lovely hole.

MIKE (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

It’s a great hole.

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

And one day I’m sure you’ll accomplish your dream of becoming a fast order cook.

MARISA (AS BABY GALACTOPOID)

It’s my world hole.

Mike and Sean try not to giggle.

MARISA (AS BABY GALACTOPOID)

I like to pick up rocks. And eat them. Sometimes I eat three at one time. Doesn’t that make me a devourer?

MIKE (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

It’s a devourer, but we’re more thinking galactic scale. You’re—

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

I told you, this is your fault. This is totally because of your grandfather’s bloodline.

MIKE (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

My grandfather was a wise man who was very, very, very good at stacking comets around planets.

SEAN (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

He was a man. Unspeakable for a Galactopoid and a man to have a child!

MARISA (AS BABY GALACTOPOID)

I filled my hole with water.

MIKE

(bursts out giggling)

I guess people should go to Patreon so we don’t have to do this one again?

SEAN

Please help us go to patreon.com/albasalix and help us out.

We clearly need it.

MIKE (AS PARENT GALACTOPOID)

We just don’t love you as much. That’s what it is.

Silence.

CARTER

You just chastised me on playing stupid characters?

THE MINES

SEAN

We are in the mines.

The scope and scale of this is mind boggling. It’s as if House Nefarious is digging out deep into the volcano itself. Magma being exposed in some areas. The heat unbearable.

All around are people who have been forced into a horrible circumstance and working at these mines. We find Darcy with a shovel, and she is foot chained to Rachel (so we don’t forget her).

MIKE

(snickers)

SEAN

And nearby is Eggerton, walking with two buckets full of water following Rachel and Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay Rachel, I’m not gonna lie to you. This does not look good and it was not what I planned when I told you I was gonna help get you out of here.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

(nervous)

We’re not dead. We’re not dead.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We are not dead. That’s a good attitude. I appreciate that attitude.

Eggerton hurry up with the water.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(panting)

Okay, let’s just stop for a second and I’ll drink this bucket.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. No. It’s not for you!

Eggerton downs an entire bucket.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay one bucket’s much easier to carry than two. I think I can go a bit further.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t understand why he’s not chained.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know you’d have to ask that huge demon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think it’s because they know no contraption can hold me when I…

Okay, let’s take another break and I’m gonna just take a sip of this water.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, you just took a break! If you… no!

Eggerton has already drunk the rest of the water.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasping)

Okay. Okay I think I’m ready to go a bit further. I’ve taken both the water… Let’s just lay down.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think we’re allowed to do that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I can put the bucket because it’s a little cool and drippy and put that on my head.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Here comes the demon! Pretend to be shovelling

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, just look busy. Yeah, just look busy. Eggerton, use the bucket to shovel or something.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, bucket bucket bucket. Bucketting away.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

Good keep working. You! Get water. Give water to the people.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ll go get more water I guess.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, uh, what exactly are we uh digging here?

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

You don’t need to worry about such things with your ugly little head. You just need to dig deeper deeper into the deep deep warmth. I have my eye on you.

SEAN

And he continues walking down the path.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They all have their eyes on us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think it’s mostly on you. I mean I try and give, like I’m like, hey I’ve got my eye on you, and they just walk away from me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah I noticed that.

Maybe when you get the water this time you could share it? That would be really nice.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, why don’t you just come with me to the fountain and get some if you want some?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re manacled here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah but if you walk together like a team you can walk over to the water and—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you mean where those demons are with their spiky clubs where they don’t let us go except for you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You have to be more assertive, Darcy.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Can’t you go and get help or something?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Where do you want me to go? To the demons over by the water fountain?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe you could try going back up the path where we came from. I noticed they haven’t locked it off.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well… Eggerton. Subtly. Try and mix in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Subtly…

MIKE

So Eggerton takes very elaborate, careful steps walking quietly towards the exit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy! I think it’s working.

SEAN

You walk straight into a demon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oof! Um…

SEAN (AS DEMON)

Water that way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, but… but! I’ve got a hole in my bucket and I have to go get the bucket repair kit in order to meet union subsection 23b. It’s okay, I cleared it I cleared it with Haxor.

SEAN (AS DEMON)

You go quick.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay I’ll go quick.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy! That was a cover! There’s not a hole in my bucket!

SEAN (AS GUARD)

Wait! What?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, I was talking to—

SEAN (AS GUARD)

You go back to water!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay! Oh, I tripped and now there’s a hole in my bucket. I better go get the bucket repair kit.

SEAN (AS GUARD)

Okay, go fast!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay! I’m hurrying this time.

SEAN

And Eggerton runs up and out of the pit.

THE DUNGEON

SEAN

We hear the sound of strange singing coming from the cell room, where the centurion is still sitting and waiting on the cell room floor.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

(singing)

So you take your shoelaces… and you put it underneath your soles. Then you know where your shoelaces have been; they’re not tied in a complicated knot.

MARISA (AS THE OTHER CENTURION)

Muh!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah, finally! You’ve come to relieve me. Is my shift over?

MARISA (AS THE OTHER CENTURION)

Guh.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Ah very good, Guh. I assume your name is Guh—it’s the only thing you’re able to say. Very good! All right. I have sustained several injuries upon my shift. My eye is all caved in also my nose is bleeding profusely.

MARISA (AS GUH)

Wugh?

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

I know. I’m quite a sight to behold. I’m not my usual dashing self.

Now! I learned today that we keep swords on this wall. So if there’s any trouble you can use a sword to, you know, be threatening and stab things and such.

MARISA (AS GUH)

Urr!

Ah yes, very good. Now. You’ll see in this cell there’s only one prisoner at the moment and that’s the red skinny—

Nope! Not here at all. Not sure how that happened.

Well, looks like it’s going to be an easy shift for you, Guh. There’s no one here to guard.

MARISA (AS GUH)

Rurr hurr!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

I can’t be responsible for knowing the ins and outs of everything that happens in these two cells!

MARISA (AS GUH)

Gurh.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Yes, thank you. I’m not sure who is responsible for such things, but whoever it is they’re doing quite a shoddy job, I’ll tell you what for.

So, you stay here; if people come back to these cells, take that as a win.

I’m going to go sleep off my nose injury now.

MARISA (AS GUH)

(something like “okay”)

Oogr!

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

All right, Guh! Good shift to you.

MARISA (AS GUH)

(cheerful grunt)

THE LABORATORY

SEAN

We return to the laboratory where tables bubble—where bottles and mechanisms on tables bubble and tick, and in the lowest level of the three levels we see Blat standing there as Lady Veth inspects the room.

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right. So what kind of tests did he, run hmm?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s all very simple. He has me say the same word over and over and over again; things appear out of thin air; he doesn’t know what half of them are; I explain what they are and that they’re of no practical use really; and then we just do it again until he gets tired.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s it? Just “ba-zoo-ka” over and over and over?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s the only word I’ve got, yes.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Wait a minute. What’s this here on the wall? This mace… where did that come from? This must be one of yours. Here. What does it do? Show me what it does. What does it do?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well this isn’t actually mine this belongs to my compatriot Darcy—

MARISA (AS VETH)

The beastie.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The beastie, yes. I’m sorry I used her proper name because she’s a person and an individual.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Oh ho! Oh, you’re adorable, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, ha ha. Aren’t I a scamp.

MARISA (AS VETH)

“Individual”! Go on with you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The mace is a little bit interesting in that the mace can, uh, let’s see… I’ve never actually wielded it before. I’m gonna tap it against the table here….

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Oh! Brother! We are being wielded!

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Perhaps by a great hero, brother!

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

No, no, I sense something the opposite of that.

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Great evil?

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Oh no not quite, but… a lost individual.

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Lost! Perhaps someone who does not know their true place in the world!

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Ah! And the scent of Celene is upon him.

MARISA (AS VETH)

It’s not doing anything. What does it do? You just keep hitting it on the table.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um… it, it’s it’s talking. It’s got a face on both sides and they’re having a rather loud conversation.

MARISA (AS VETH)

No, they’re not? What are you talking about. It’s just an inanimate object.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

See? I’ll hold it up and see—

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Brother! There is a shadow demon! But wait—we are being held by a half demon! Which should we strike?

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Well, I see the half demon but I don’t see the shadow—oh! We’ve been turned around! Now I see the shadow demon!

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

But now I don’t see the shadow demon! I but see the half demon!

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Perhaps if we get turned midway we can—no, I’m back in front of the half demon again.

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Wait! I see the shadow demon! She looks despicable!

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

Why are we not being wielded for battle?!

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

That is a good question! Ask the half demon that you face!

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right, put it down. It obviously does nothing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No but plainly you can see that that’s a face, and that’s another different face on the other side, it—it’s a talking weapon! This is actually the most miraculous thing in here!

MARISA (AS VETH)

Blat, are you feeling all right? Did Narf give you one of his chemicals or potions that messes with the mind?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, he hits me a lot, but other than that, no.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Hmmm. No I don’t see what you’re talking about. Put the mace down over there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, if you don’t feel that the mace is important, perhaps I’ll just, um, keep the mace with me here. I’ll tuck it under my belt.

MARISA (AS VETH)

That’s fine with me it’s not—

SEAN (AS THE MACE)

Oh! Brother! You won’t believe what I’m seeing now!

CARTER (AS THE MACE)

What you’re seeing? You should feel what I’m pressed up against!

MARISA (AS VETH)

So! Blat, I’m going to be frank with you, because I think you and your friends are in a lot of trouble.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That tracks.

MARISA (AS VETH)

The house of Salamander is ready to make its move against house Nefarious and I feel like you’re the key. You have come here to help us rise once again out of the shadows to become the central family once again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I can appreciate that your house is being treated poorly by this house because you’re shadowy and they’re not… but I promise you, lady, I can’t help you. I can’t come up with anything practical that’s of any use to you.

MARISA (AS VETH)

I have this killing weapon because of you! Look at it!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The yo-yo?

MARISA (AS VETH)

The yaw-yaw!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And you’re ignoring the talking mace.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Well, that’s just something you made up, Blat. This is real!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, how about this? What would be the greatest thing that I could conjure up that would help you with all of your problems right now?

MARISA (AS VETH)

(chuckles)

Well I mean… that would be a strong poison that I could administer to Narf and his whole family, perhaps at a feast somewhere. And then it would take them all out at once! That would be the best way of doing it, I think.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so you want a poison. A poison without any scent or any taste that could kill a whole bunch of people at the same time. That would really help you.

MARISA (AS VETH)

That would really help me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay! Now I’m going to show you what I come up with, despite thinking of poison very, very, very hard.

Bazooka.

MARISA (AS VETH)

(gasps)

SEAN

You are holding a bazooka.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay now, what the what’s going on?!

Laughter.

MARISA

No! I don’t want him to get his bazooka back.

MIKE

Doesn’t mean it’s gonna work.

EGGERTON

SEAN

Eggerton is lost in a corridor, still carrying a bucket with a hole in it. And door after door he passes are locked, but it’s looking more and more ornate. The carpet is getting nicer, there are windows every once in a while where you can sort of see a bit of a balcony… and that’s where you are.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This place really isn’t that bad. I don’t know what Darcy is complaining about. I mean the lush carpet the high ceilings… I keep seeing people run into the shadows for some reason, but I’m sure that’s nothing.

Um…. okay, I’m gonna try this door.

SEAN

Okay. And it opens into a stately room it appears to be a waiting room there’s a small sofette? kind of seating area. There’s an open window and another door that’s half open. The window looks out over the city, with bright sun gleaming off of red roofs and white walls… and you hear a murmur of conversation coming from the slightly open door.

MIKE

I of course have to go check it out and see if they have a bucket repair kit.

SEAN

Okay, so what do you do?

MIKE

I walk up and I slowly open the door to look inside.

SEAN

Okay, you see a beautiful bedroom large canopy bed, multiple windows all open, a soft breeze. And you see the back of what appears to be a short person with a long, flowing flight jacket who seems to be talking into some crazy-looking device that has been set up on a small table, spread out with dials and boops and bops and all kinds of things moving.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that looks so cool!

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

(panicking)

Oh! Oh!

SEAN

They slam it closed and quickly spin around and lean half on the bed nonchalantly.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Ah!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi!

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Oh hi! Ha ha.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was really cool!

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

What was cool?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The whole elaborate thing with the whiz-knobs and the bops, and there’s a little bit of steam. My name’s Eggerton. I’m on a mission currently to find a bucket repair kit.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Oh! Well, I have no such thing here. Sorry, nothing to see here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, now, I gotta say you’re one of the first people I’ve seen who isn’t human or a demon.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Ah! Excuse me. Val. Captain Val, at your service.

SEAN

And they bow down to you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Captain!

Oh, well, I am general Eggerton, at your service.

MIKE

And I bow all the way so I’m touching my toes.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Ah General Eggerton. From what house, may I ask?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh this house.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

House Nefarious? I was unaware of a general in the midst.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, here I am.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Very well. Well, um, I can totally explain what you saw, General.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh please do.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Ah, of course, there’s no reason to bother Narf with this. It’s simply a device for determining the weather.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Really! Show me how it works.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

Yes, well, just come over here, a little closer to it…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right.

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

And just—I’ll open it up for you…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Ooh!

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

I’ll step back, and you can just step in and just twiddle the knobs.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. I’ll step up—and there’s a big red button!

SEAN

And a sack is dropped over Eggerton’s head. Everything goes black.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(muffled bewilderment)

SEAN (AS CAPTAIN VAL)

I apologize for this, General, but I must do what I must do.

Silence.

MARISA

You end up in a lot of sacks.

Laughter.

MARISA

You do! Remember?

SEAN

Eggerton has a way with the… yeah, he has a way.

MIKE

(laughing)

He has a way of finding himself in sacks. You’re ever looking around at 3am, need a sack—you know who to call.

THE LABORATORY

SEAN

We return to the laboratory, where Blat is staring quite shocked at the tubular, familiar device in his grip.

MARISA (AS VETH)

That is definitely not the potion I need.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, this is indeed not poison, but it might be something that I need.

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right, how does that help me?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, let’s see.

CARTER

And Blat spins the bazooka until it’s pointed at the far wall.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This might get someone’s attention.

CARTER

And pulls the trigger.

SEAN

And it fires. Roll damage.

CARTER

It’s a 1.

SEAN

So it literally goes right out the window—like, shoots through the window. The shell goes out into the city and there’s a distant sound of an explosion.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Oh! What… that’s some sort of projectile!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Holy googly moogly, I’m back.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Where did you go?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know.

MARISA (AS VETH)

What… that’s something… you’ve created something I could use!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure! Sure. So what if I give this to you…

MARISA (AS VETH)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s not poison, but you could use it against the Nefarious folks.

MARISA (AS VETH)

So I can just point it at things and people and it explodes?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes!

MARISA (AS VETH)

And I have to use this magic word? How does it work?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, you don’t need to use the word. Just… press this thing and the projectile will come out. But… I gotta make a deal with you. I need to be in my room at sundown with the two beasties and the kumquat. You let that happen and this death-stick can be yours.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Well! You do have some strange rituals, it seems, in your world…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, all right, I’m gonna let that one slide because you’re offering me a chance for freedom.

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right. I’ll make you a deal. You need to give me one more gift that can help me, and I’ll help all of you get back to your room in time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m offering you a future weapon! What more do you want from me, lady?!

MARISA (AS VETH)

It went out the window and I heard a little poof. I need to see something much more impressive than that something more like this garrote. That really works.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The yo-yo?

MARISA (AS VETH)

The yaw-yaw.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This blows things up!

MARISA (AS VETH)

I didn’t see it blow anything up.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Because it went out the window!

MARISA (AS VETH)

That’s right! Why couldn’t you make that wall disappear? That would have been impressive.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought that would bring people here. People would hear the big kaboom. You could point this right at Narf’s face and his whole head will go kaboom!

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah! I heard you speaking of me. I hope I haven’t missed anything.

SEAN

Narf slides through the doorway.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…and that’s how you sweep the floor with a metal tube!

So I’ll leave that against there, and that’s our work done in the laboratory today. Well, back to my cell I go!

MARISA (AS VETH)

Hello Narf.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ahh Lady Veth. We meet again it seems—in my laboratory.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Well I find it such a fascinating room.

SEAN (AS NARF)

I’m sure you do. I see you’ve been talking with my friend and guest.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Yes.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Of House…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Andrew.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes of House Andrew.

And how might I help you Lady Veth?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Oh, well, perhaps you’d like to let me in on your plan for the beast and the little thing that accompanies it. Where did they disappear to hmm?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Very well, Lady Veth. I will gladly let you in on my secrets.

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right.

SEAN (AS NARF)

You see, Lady Veth… as much as I’m fascinated by this creature and what he can do, I know you’ve heard me speak and think it is nothing but the world is growing colder. You can see from these charts here on the wall. And our time is limited.

MARISA (AS VETH)

But… that’s ridiculous. You’re just making that up.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Oh, is it? How long has it been since you felt warm, Lady Veth?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Well… it has been some time since I truly felt toasty.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes. You will see when our forefathers founded this great land of ours they thought we will take the cities and we will give the mountain to the gnomes and dwarves.

But you see, they made a grave error, Lady Veth, because deep beneath the mountain is a heat that is endless. It is harnessable, And it will save us… and one of us will control it.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Yes. I see your point. One of us will.

MARISA

And she picks up the bazooka and she swings it right at Narf’s head.

SEAN

Okay. Roll to hit.

MARISA

It’s a 10!

MIKE

Nice.

SEAN

So that’s a hit. You connect.

So Narf takes a blow right to the head. Roll a d8 for her.

MARISA

It’s a 3.

SEAN

So Lady Veth spins and picks up the metal tube, and whacks Narf upside the head and he goes sliding across the floor into one of the bookcases.

And he slowly stands and turns.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah… such vulgar use of violence, Lady Veth.

But wait! Perhaps you should look out the window yonder, where your house used to stand.

SEAN

Outside the window in the distance can be seen flames flickering even in the sunlight quite brightly.

MARISA (AS VETH)

What have you done?

SEAN (AS NARF)

What I should have done a long time ago, Lady Veth.

MARISA (AS VETH)

We did nothing to you! Except for that thing that I just did to your head.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah yes. And the plans you have been working on.

MARISA (AS VETH)

You will regret this day, Narf! You will regret it!

MARISA

And I disappear into shadow and drift out the door before he can do anything.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Good riddance.

What is this thing you have conjured, Blat? It is very painful.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! That’s’ something that Lady Veth had conjured up in House Whatchamacoodle before you came in. She was all like, “I’m going to hit Narf with this if he comes in!” And I was all like, “Oh no, please don’t do that!” And she’s like, “You shut up or I’ll do something bad to you.” And I’m like, “Oh please, don’t!” and then you came in, and blammo!

SEAN

Narf puts a finger on your lips.

SEAN (AS NARF)

You aren’t good at lying, Blat. You really aren’t.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(muffled)

It’s a test tube.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah. A “test tube”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Test tube. For, um, sciencing and stuff.

SEAN (AS NARF)

And what is this rectangular…? Oh, it shows things.

Tense music begins to play.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, uh, that’s how you know it is ready to have… chemicals poured into it.

SEAN (AS NARF)

And what does this word “ARMED” mean?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that means you need… arms to pour chemicals into it.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, and it looks like it’s… ah yes, if it was on the shoulder, one might put one hand right here. What is this switch here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Off. That’s the off switch, so you don’t want to switch that or else it’ll power down.

SEAN (AS NARF)

Ah, very interesting. So if I were to maybe look through here and—ah, there! Look, I can see your face on the little screen where it says ARMED. Maybe I should turn it off.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, actually, you want to keep it on, don’t you? So you can see me and my smiling mug looking at you so adorably, and in awe right now?

SEAN (AS NARF)

Yes. I do want to keep it on.

Uneasy silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Good!

So how are things?

Laughter.

THE MINES

SEAN

The clamour of metal and the grunts of people pushing carts of rock up out of the mines can barely be heard over the roar of the fire and the brimstone, as we come down on two red-faced humans working in the mines together.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(grunting with effort)

Have you seen any glimpses of Eggerton? Did he come back?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

No! I keep looking…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

You sure he’s the right one to…? I guess we didn’t have a choice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Despite appearances he can actually be pretty resourceful because his lack of thinking really gets rid of any obstacles and he just kind of goes for it, you know? And that surprisingly gets a lot of results. So don’t give up on him yet.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We just need to—oh boy, do I need water.

We just need to hold out a little longer.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

I don’t know how you stay so positive.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay… just—

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Wait. Why is that—why is your necklace glowing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Your necklace, it’s—no maybe it’s just the light, or… I’m getting dizzy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s getting warm.

Loxsyn! My goddess. It’s guidance from my goddess!

MARISA

And I put my hand to the amulet.

SEAN

And it glows even brighter as you touch it.

MARISA

Is it pointing any direction, or…?

SEAN

No, you just start to feel a warmth building.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I‑I’m not sure what’s happening. I think that maybe this is a message?

I don’t know. Let’s start back towards the entrance.

SEAN

And you hear the request for…

MIKE (AS THE VOICE OF LOXSYN)

Falafel.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why is it always food?

All right. This must mean we have to get to the kitchen. But how are we gonna get out of here?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

What do you mean, get out of here? What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know. My goddess talks in very cryptic ways sometimes. But all I know is, I think we have to get out the same way Eggerton got out.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Okay. All right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, who’s that up at the top?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Guard! It is I, Lady Veth! Come here!

SEAN (AS GUARD)

Uh? Huh! You no be here!

MARISA (AS VETH)

Oh, I am here.

You will release every one of these labourers on Narf the Nefarious’ demand. All of them are to be sent out immediately!

SEAN (AS GUARD)

Me no think so. You speak to Nokan. You speak to Nokan, pit boss! Me guard.

MARISA (AS VETH)

All right. Out of my way. Nokan!

SEAN

You see a lumbering figure turn, from deep down. A giant demon with tusks who snorts and starts heading your direction.

MARISA (AS VETH)

You will release every one of these labourers immediately.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

(humming)

SEAN

Still coming.

MARISA (AS VETH)

You! Will you hurry up! I don’t like to make my demands twice!

SEAN

He stops to speak with a guard.

MARISA (AS VETH)

Grrrr.

SEAN

Coming back up.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

Hrr. Lady Veth! You honour us in our place of work.

MARISA (AS VETH)

I certainly do. Now I want all of these people out of here immediately.

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

Oh, but of course. If you free them yourself, Lady, who am I to stand in your way?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Why can’t you free them?

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

I am but a servant of the demons. The upper class. It is not my place.

It should be no problem for a shadow demon to unlock a few chains, now should it Lady Veth?

MARISA (AS VETH)

Well, you’re right about that.

MARISA

And I, in a poof of smoke, become like wisps of mist everywhere, and I start aiming for all the chains and locks and things like that and going through them.

SEAN

So people are starting to look down as their chains come undone, and that’s when Darcy and Rachel realize that their chains have just popped off.

Action music plays.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is it! This is the moment, Rachel. We have to run for it. It looks like all the prisoners are being released. In the chaos I’m sure we can get away. You have to hold my hand and not let go.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Okay. Okay!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right. Are you ready?

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have one moment for this.

SEAN (AS RACHEL)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

MARISA

And I touch my amulet, and I grip it tight so that the blue light becomes blinding for just a split second.

SEAN

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Here we go!

MARISA

And we run for the exit.

SEAN

And standing in the exit, brandishing a giant club, is the pit boss.

MARISA

And we skid through his legs.

SEAN

Okay. So you are going to roll Defy Danger.

MARISA

Okay, so it’s a 6 in total. With my Dex it’s 7.

SEAN

Partial success.

So you manage to slide between the legs but Rachel becomes separated from you and is standing in front of a giant bulky demon…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Gah!

SEAN

…who strikes at her. So can you roll Defy Danger for Rachel, someone?

CARTER

4.

SEAN

Someone roll a 1d10 for me?

MIKE

6.

SEAN

The Crafty Druid is not standing up again.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Rachel!

What did you do to her?

SEAN (AS NOKAN)

What I’m gonna do to you.

SEAN

And the giant demon turns to face you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you don’t know who you’re dealing with!

MARISA

And Darcy transforms.

CREDITS

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Michael Howie, Marisa King, and Carter Siddall.

Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Lillianne Johnston, Kim Bellinger, and Kona.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get early access to episodes, weekly bonus content, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE: NARF THINGS

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Blat, are you feeling okay? Did Narf give you any of his… Narf things that he puts in people?

The table breaks out in hysterical laughter.

CARTER

Whoa!

SEAN

That’s the outtake!