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48: An Unexpected Party

In the aftermath of the battle for Faeton, the party encounter more faces from their pasts, both welcome and sinister.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Michael Howie and Marisa King
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Death, violence, existential confusion, fantasy racism, police harassment, incarceration, copyright infringement and pooping.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think we’re under attack.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I was gonna say that, because of the attacks.

SEAN

You see a sword come out of the back of the Centurion.

CARTER (AS THE CENTURION)

Oh! Excuse me a moment. I must be unconscious.

Whump.

MIKE

I’m calling forth angry fungus.

SEAN

All the houses are now stomping around madly, confused.

CARTER (AS A PANICKING FAE)

My property values!

SEAN

There is a giant werecupine standing at the edge of the veil.

MARISA (AS WERECUPINE DARCY)

(enraged chattering)

MIKE (AS GARY)

This is fine…!

Darcy crashes into Gary and sends him flying.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m in a very good spot in my life right now, so I’m going to have to turn down your offer to be the ultimate tool of evil.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

You will succumb. It is written.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am a minion of Morrigu!

SEAN

The giant ice dragon breaks into an immediate dive towards the gathering.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That was not the deal! I did not make a deal!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Who are you talking to, Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m talking to… ohhhh, not gonna say it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Morrigu?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Nooo!

A huge explosion.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

(deep, husky voice)

When the three stand on fields bled blue / And heaven splits the sky in two /One shall rise to claim his throne / And the earth shall be overthrown.

Blat out.

THE AFTERMATH

Warlike prog rock music.

SEAN

We return to the Valley of the Lost Kings.

Acrid smoke rises from what is now a field of battle. A small army of shadowy and corporeal demonic forms are scrambling back from the fae stone at the centre of the clearing.

Eggerton is at the bottom of a giant crater, and he’s holding a bazooka. Darcy stands on the crater’s edge… and they are both staring at Blat, whose body is arched painfully backwards, high in the air above the fae stone.

Lightning flashes, coming from his body and arcing out in every direction, and there is a smell one can only describe as carnage mixed with ozone and… the somewhat pleasant smell of roasting portobello.

Time has slowed. It’s as if we’re staring at a frozen tableau, but then we realize that it hasn’t stopped. Everyone is moving, but in extreme slow motion.

Eggerton’s eyes are slowly widening, and his hand is reaching slowly towards the dull grey fae stone standing in the centre of the field. But it’s not a dull grey fae stone to Eggerton.

To Eggerton, the Mother of all the fae, the stone is exploding, with the most amazing light show of flashing lights and fae music and screaming crowds…

And suddenly, Eggerton can see the lines of energy connecting him to so many forgotten places. But one of them stands out and calls to him.

A portal appears with a familiar popping sound.

CARTER (AS GERHARDT THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

(echoing from beyond the portal)

Dahh! Is my little friend?

Is it my little friend from the park?

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie, and Carter Siddall.

Episode 48: An Unexpected Party.

PORTALS

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Is that you, friend?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wha—What’s going on?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Hello, I’ve been experimenting with fae stone technology, and I thought maybe I could find someone I can recognize. And it only took me several thousand attempts to find a familiar face. But now I remember you. I showed you where I got the special portal sticks.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I remember that! We were in the park! What are you doing here? How’d you get here?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ohhh, things got pretty bad in my era, the smoking and the erasing of all of reality. So I had to quickly use a portal to get back into a previous time period.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This is the most previous time period—that fae stone is the first fae stone!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, that would explain why I couldn’t get any further. I kept sort of bumping my head into an invisible wall, and I was like, “Hey, I should be able to go back further. I want to see early life.” But I couldn’t get back any further. I wanted to see a dinosaur. No dinosaurs were seen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, we have demons, though! Lots of demons, lots of bad things happening here.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, and they are like the dinosaurs that wear pants!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, yes, they are.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Pants-wearing dinosaurs.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, and did you—did you by chance bring a weapon of some kind, defensive weapon with you that could help? Because there’s a lot of them, and it feels like things are gonna go real bad with my friend over there, and we could use some backup.

Silence.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Do you like cherry Fruit Roll-Ups? I have these—they look like a sheet of paper, but you can’t write on it but ohhh, it’s yummy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That sounds super practical, and I want to know all the details about it. But for now, do you think maybe, you know, you could help us? Could you pull us through the portal into somewhere safe or, you know, toss something from the future through to us that we could use?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It’s so good to finally meet people that know that I can use portal technology! No one usually believes me because my appearance is usually so bedraggled.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I was there with you when you used it, and I can see you right now, and you’re coming out of the fae stone, and you’re the brightest light, and I guess that’s because you’re coming from the future, and that’s somehow powering it through backwards time, which is then creating a loop, which is why it’s so visible and maybe why we’re able to talk. But nonetheless, do you see that the—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

That’s exactly right! You figured out exactly how I’m doing this right now! This is amazing!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it just—As it turns out, I actually kind of, you know, created all of it by accident.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You created all—Oh! Am I speaking to a god?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I wouldn’t call myself a god, but if you wanted—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Are you the God? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to call you a god when you quite possibly be the God.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I thought the God might be taller, though.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, the gravity here—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I’m sorry! Is that heresy, what I just said?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, it’s fine—

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I didn’t mean to offend you, O Lord! Oh, do not smite me!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay. No, I’m not gonna smite you.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am merely a portal person trying to get through multiple realities! Oh, wait, maybe that means I am a god.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You be the god, I’ll be a god.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay! Come on through!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, really?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yah, yah, yah! Come on through.

MIKE

All right, so I try and reach through, out of the time loop quantum channel to grab at Darcy and Blat.

Pop!

SEAN

And with that, Eggerton pops out of existence, and the bazooka begins its very slow descent towards the bottom of the crater.

And at the top of the crater, we see Darcy, her knees bending, as she is dropping in achingly slow motion. Her shoulders rounding, her gaze still up at the form of Blat suspended in the air. And Darcy is overwhelmed with a memory of an earlier time.

FLASHBACK: DARCY

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, I did not cause the disaster of the Nexus. I don’t know why everyone’s blaming me. I don’t think that was my fault. The whole golden apple thing and everything, I didn’t know! I couldn’t possibly have caused all this! This is—Snegal, Snegal, I didn’t cause all this, did I? This is crazy!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

No, no, clearly this device here did. And so it’s just whoever activated it, they should be the ones.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was Darcy! I watched her do it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, but it could have been anyone. I mean, I—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it could have been, but it was you. We were all there, and we watched you. You were handing it over, and you pushed the thing, and then—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I would sort of be like, “I’m throwing a grenade,” and then saying, “Well, I didn’t do it. I just pulled the trigger.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But my—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Grenades don’t have triggers.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, sorry. I’m not very up with all of Blat’s, you know, weaponry. I’ve been trying to catch up.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You mean all of Blat’s weaponry.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh. Oh, sorry. I’m not supposed to talk about that. Yeah, oh, so back to the horrible disaster of the Nexus!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But, I mean, I couldn’t possibly be responsible. I mean, I am the responsible one. Eggerton and Blat cause these sorts of things, but there’s no way that—I’m sure that it just wasn’t working correctly. And so when I opened it, it got, you know, turned around and twisted around. Maybe there was a mechanism inside that didn’t work. And then all this happened, but I’m sure it’s not—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I just want to go back to the whole responsible one? ‘Cause, you know, I sort of feel like Eggerton is our leader.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

And Blat has never done anything wrong.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

When did—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

And you did destroy the Nexus.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

When did we decide Eggerton was the leader? I don’t remember that actually being—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You said the hat.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The Hat doesn’t mean anything. The Hat is just a symbol. We didn’t actually decide that you were the leader.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is a symbol of leadership.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But we didn’t decide you were the leader. You decided you were the leader.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, yeah, because you were too busy letting the Shattering into the Nexus.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I sort of feel like I got in the middle of something here? I’m sorry.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m just holding you between us, so if she tries to hit me again, she hits you first.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Okay!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Maybe I should have talked to you, Darcy. I just—when Eggerton, you know, explained to me that he’s the leader of the group, you know, and thus he needed the upper bunks with the gold inlay. I just figured that was the truth.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You have gold inlay on your bunks?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s edible gold.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you don’t now, actually, because they’ve been destroyed, ha ha.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, yeah, by you, when you dropped the apple and the Shattering came into the Nexus and destroyed everything and all of our friends.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, wait, should I stop the order on your replacement bunk?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, no, no, you got to get that requisition in.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, I did. Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, good. Whew!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Whew!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was a close one.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I’m not sure who I put it into, because I think they’re all dead.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We can’t get a replacement bunk! We have to figure out how to fix what I… what… happened here, this very bad thing that has happened, unintentionally.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Acceptance is an important step, Darcy.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

You know, maybe we should get Moira. Moira’s really good at, you know—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, she—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

No, that’s a bad idea.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think she—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

No, I thought that through.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Okay. Um, well, what if I just get everyone a tea? Ha ha, you like tea, Darcy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(numb)

I do. I like tea.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I can go into town, or the part of it that’s still there, and get us all a tea.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That would be nice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, maybe—maybe tea.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Here I go! Oh, my feet work better if you put me down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, sorry. And down you go.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Here we go! Off to get tea!

MIKE

Whack sound from Darcy hitting Eggerton.

Laughter.

THE CRATER

Roiling, seething organ chords.

SEAN

Only seconds have passed back at the Valley of the Lost Kings.

We are slowly circling Blatman, who has just finished uttering the words of the prophecy… but it’s like someone else is speaking through him.

He’s unable to stop or have any control over what the body hanging in the air is doing, but it’s as if he is disassociated from that body. Blat realizes suddenly that some part of him is in the void still, and he is Blat, not Blatman, even as he hears Blatman speaking in the distance.

And before Blat, a shining goddess is rising from the blackness itself, creating light out of the void. Her eyes shine with dark power and dark strands that might be hair cascading out from her body in all directions.

Her birth is glorious to behold, and around Blat portals are opening, and one in particular catches his eye.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eh, hello?

Hello, I—I just started walking in this direction, and so I’m hoping that there’s something here that’s good?

Hello?

Maybe I’m experiencing something from my own past, where I was alone. When was I alone? Well, I suppose I’ve been alone a lot of times.

It’s not so bad!

I mean, before, I was with… the M goddess. Now I’m not! I’m alone. Though I think my body might be doing something.

Wait. I’m not in my body. I feel like I’m in my body. But maybe this is just my consciousness? My soul?

Do I have a soul? Does anyone have a soul?

Could an ant have a soul? I suppose if a human could have a soul, then a demon could have a soul, then an ant could have a soul…

MIKE

Cut to four days later.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, so I’m pretty sure, then, that an animal could have a soul, but perhaps a plant can’t? But why do I think that? Must be some sort of prejudice—

MARISA (AS A MYSTERIOUS VOICE)

(high voice)

Hello, Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just a moment, just a moment. I’m almost working this through. I think the prejudice is…

MARISA (AS THE VOICE)

Hello, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…because plants don’t have religion, that I feel they can’t have souls.

MARISA (AS THE VOICE)

Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That feels wrong. I may have to circle back around to this.

Yes?

MARISA (AS THE VOICE)

Oh, hello. Do you remember me?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… Oh, my heavens! Mrs. McGillicuddy, my old religious teacher?!

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Oh, Blat, it’s been so long. How are you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry. I… The memory’s a little dim. Did you teach us whether or not plants had souls?

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Plants have souls? That’s ridiculous, Blat. What are you talking about?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I don’t know. They’re living things. Why can’t they have souls, but a penguin can. I don’t really understand the difference!

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Well, neither did I, really. I just wanted to make a living, and so I taught all sorts of crazy things to children. None of it really made any sense to me or to you, I’m sure.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Are you telling me that my religious teacher didn’t know the secrets of the afterlife?!

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Oh, my goodness. I just made up stories at night because I was so bored. I’d just sit there and write little, uh, things about people with beards and such. It was quite fun, and then I’d just tell them to the children!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But you often would make me feel so badly about myself due to my half-demonic heritage!

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Well, that was my job as your elder, to make you feel badly about yourself.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t remember you saying that to any of the other children.

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Oh, the other children were far better than you, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I see. It’s rampant favouritism.

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Oh, absolutely! I mean, you were a half-demon. Such a strange character to have in my classroom. I don’t think I’d ever met one before.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, uh, from what I’m understanding, then, you really didn’t like me that much, so why have you come to me now when I’m nothing but pure thought personified?

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Well, Blat, it’s because I didn’t really like myself very much either at that time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, now we’re getting into it! Oh, do tell, Mrs. McGillicuddy.

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

So then I projected that out to you, not liking you very much because you were different, and I felt that I was very different because I wasn’t a very good teacher, you know. I really didn’t want to be a teacher.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You didn’t want to be a teacher?

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

No, no, I wanted to sell real estate, but that was too difficult…

SEAN

Cut to four days later.

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

…and then I thought maybe I’d be a librarian, but, you know, a lot of people want to be librarians, and I couldn’t get my foot in the door, so then I just ended up as a teacher. But Blat…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I didn’t realize it was so difficult to be a real estate agent or a librarian!

MARISA (AS MRS McGILLICUDDY)

Well, I was pretty lazy, it’s true, but I want you to know that you should be whoever you want to be, and you shouldn’t tie yourself to anyone who might have plans for you.

You should just be who you want to be, Blat.

(her voice grows sinister and monotonous)

Be who you want to be, Blat.

Be who you want to be, Blaaaat…

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

The prophecy has been revealed, and I have attained my true form.

Morrigu has risen… because of Blat.

CITY PARK

SEAN

Eggerton, you find yourself in a park, and it takes you a moment to get your bearings, and then you suddenly realize you sort of remember parts of this park. You see someone in the distance pushing an ice-cream cart out of the park, and it all comes back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

I remember this! This is where—

And then there was the flooding and the sharks, and—oh, no! Well, no, this is good, I guess. But Blat, Darcy, where—where are Blat and Darcy? I thought I was bringing them with me!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

You said you were going to be bringing people with you, but you even had a piece of very long luggage, but it didn’t work out. It’s just you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, yeah, it’s just me, but how do we get to them?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

How do we get to these people?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

I don’t know. You just said, “Hey, I’m bringing people along.” It’s just you. You didn’t bring anyone.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no.

Pop!

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Hi. Sorry. Just popping in. Did someone have a claim for lost luggage on interstellar travel?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, that’s me! Me, over here.

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Okay, here. Just fill this out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, paperwork!

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Oh! Are you Motherton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I, uh…

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

You’re Motherton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—I haven’t heard that one. I—

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Oh my god you’re Motherton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi!

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Hi! Oh, you don’t have to fill this out. I’ll get this all filled out for you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t? Oh!

SEAN (AS A FAE CLERK)

Oh, it’s so nice to meet you.

I never thought I’d meet Motherton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But what’s your name?

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS THE FAE CLERK)

Oh, uh… Pegglesis.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Pigglesis?

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Pegglesis.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(laughing)

Pegglesis.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Pegglesis.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Pegglesis is a lovely name.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, thank you. Ha ha! Okay, I’m gonna get this filled out, and we’ll find that lost luggage, Motherton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I just have a couple questions.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Okay, I’ll get this filled out! Bye!

Pop.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

…That was really unusual, right?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, it’s actually—Pegglesis is a quite common name for the fae of this era.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it is lovely.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Half the fae I work with are named Pegglesis.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You work with a lot of fae?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, yeah. Now that I had to incorporate the fae stones in with the portals, fae just show up like crazy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s so interesting. Okay, but what was that—Motherton?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Motherton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Motherton.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, you—you are the First One.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, yeah, I think we figured that out, but the Motherton, that sounds kind of new and catchy.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, ’cause you’re the First One.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But how do they know that?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Because you’re the First One.

Pop!

MARISA (AS ANOTHER PEGGLESIS)

Gerhardt! Gerhardt!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, wait, wait. I think this might be another Pegglesis.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Did it work? Did it work? What we were working on for so long? What happened?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, yeah, so I was able to go back as far as the portals and the fae stone would allow me, and, yeah, I brought Motherton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

(gasps)

The Motherton? Oh, my goodness! I can’t believe you found the Motherton!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

It’s pretty simple. Now, what is happening with the M‑Goddess, oh, that’s crazy! But at least I was able to get the Motherton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know about her, too?

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, yeah, what I think we figured out is, like, something crazy has happened that caused something to move forward in time and is now erasing all of existence, so I have used my portals and the fae stones to try and get back as far as possible so we could, you know, live out the natural lifespan without being erased from existence.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That sounds lovely, but maybe we could stop the thing coming forward from erasing all of existence.

Pop!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Here I am!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hi!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Sorry. Hi, Pegglesis!

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Hi, Pegglesis!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, sorry. Should I get a—are you—I don’t want to jump the line.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

We were just listening to the wisdom of Motherton, and I think Motherton’s plan is obviously perfection, really.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Of course, of course!

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

I was listening to the grand words.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, I have something to tell you when you’re done, but go ahead!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I—well, I’d like to hear your news.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

But I don’t want to interrupt, Motherton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You already actually interrupted, so—

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll go away!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, it’s fine—

Pop!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okey-dokey.

So, you know, maybe we can find some way of figuring out what it was that comes forward. Like, do you have a doohickey that measures time moving forward and looks for things that aren’t supposed to be there?

Silence.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

My pants have several holes in them. I am not up on your “technology”. I’m using portals made out of sticks from special wood and the fae stones which are scattered about, and, um, that’s pretty much it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, what if you show me how to go back, bring my friends forward, we all hang out here and have a picnic and figure out what’s going on—

Pop!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Is this a better time?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes! Yes. Yes. Peggelesis.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Okay. Hi, Pegglesis!

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Hello, Pegglesis!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Okay, well, we’ve, uh, lost your luggage permanently.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean permanently?

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Uh yeah. No, it’s gone, forever. But I do have a claim form I filled out already for you, so we can compensate you with a new… fairy pouch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, fairy pouch, yes, yes. I could use a new fairy pouch!

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Great. There you go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

You just need to sign this, Motherton, sorry, really quick.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(signs)

There you go.

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

So that says that you accept a fairy pouch in exchange for never suing or taking any action against what we lost.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait—no, no, but I—

SEAN (AS PEGGLESIS)

Okay, we’re good, thank you bye!

Pop!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Gah!

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Wow, a new fairy pouch, Motherton. Who couldn’t use a new fairy pouch?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I mean, that’s just true all the time.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but—but, no, but what about my friends? Don’t you—okay, there was three of us, including me. We went back in time—

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

(awestruck)

There’s three Mothertons?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, there’s just the one me, but there’s two other people. Um, there was a half-demon named Blat and a human person named Darcy.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Ohhh, the pantheon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The pantheon?

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

The pantheon of fairy gods. I never knew that they would be human and half-demon. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

No, it doesn’t make much sense at all. So that means that you are part demon and also part human.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

What? I never knew that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, I—they were—they were like my lieutenants. They were my assistants.

MARISA (AS PEGGLESIS)

Oh, assistants. Right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, so we need to go and get them, though!

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

So they assisted you in the—

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Okay, all right, all right, all right. You know the rules. I’ve had the conversation. No loitering here at the tree in this park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What—who is—why are you wearing all of that blue?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Yeah, really funny guy. You got a funny guy here? You got a funny guy?

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

No, we have no funny guys.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, I think I’m pretty funny.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

No, you are not funny.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Oh, you wanna be funny? You wanna be funny?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—I do—I…

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

No one chooses to be funny now, no.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

All right, all right, well, let’s just move it along. All right? There’s no loitering here. I’m gonna—I’ll ticket you. I’ll ticket you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What—okay?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

I’ll do it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Can I—what’s the ticket?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

All right, that’s it, I’m ticketing you. I’m doing it right now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

I’m pulling out the pad.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Right now, I’m pulling it out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I see.

Silence.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Son of a—fine, I’m gonna ticket you. That’s it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right.

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Here we go. Loitering. Three counts…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Three?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Refusal to leave…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I—I—I loitered three times? Or it’s one for each of—

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

There you go!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, thank you. Oh, look, it’s got your signature on it!

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

That’s a hundred and fifty dollars.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do I give you the money?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

No. Now let’s go. Spread out—let’s move along. Get going. Get along.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, spread out. Everyone, everyone, three steps back, please. This individual seems concerned about our proximity. That is called “loitering” in this world. So we all just need to space out a little more and speak more loudly to each other, okay?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

That’s it. I’m calling this in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Calling…?

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

(into his radio)

Dispatch, I’m gonna need a truck. We’re gonna need a truck here—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh! Oh! Is that—Is that a communicator? I need—I need—gimme—gimme—gimme—

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

No! What are you doing?! Hey, give me that!

Eggerton hurries off with the policeman in hot pursuit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(into the stolen radio)

Moira!

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

No! Gimme that!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Moira, where are you? Moira!

SEAN (AS POLICEMAN)

Stop running! Stop running, you’re gonna break the cord! The cord is gonna…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Moira, Moira, Moira, Moira, Moira, Moira, Moira! Quick, help me! I’m in the park! I’m in the park, Moira!

Their voices fade into the distance.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

(whispers)

Psst. It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

SEAN

Hey, everyone. We’re back! And we’re having so much fun. It is so amazing to be back together, and we want to thank everyone for the reviews and for sharing the show and telling your friends and your family until they are tired of hearing about it. Word of mouth is how we grow, and it means everything to us.

So, without further ado, I’m sure we have some special things lined up at this mid-roll. Let’s get to it.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: MIDROLL

SEAN

Look, okay, I’ve explained this before. The mid-roll is so everyone’s listening and has something to pay attention to, so it’s not just an ad that we don’t have yet. I know—

MIKE

So, we don’t want them to skip a thing that doesn’t exist?

CARTER

Yes. But they’re not paying attention to the rest of the show. They’re only paying attention to the middle part.

MIKE

What if we just did, like, product placement in the show? So, let’s say, like, you know, I’ve got a file or a report as Eggerton, and I use, you know, Bissdox Liquid Paper when I make a mistake!

CARTER

Well, I don’t know. Do you use that in your day-to-day life?

MIKE

Well, no—

SEAN

How would that exist in this world?

MIKE

Okay, sometimes we need to take a little bit of a leap of faith and use our imagination, Sean. I don’t know why you’re struggling with this.

CARTER

Like, I like Tostitos. Can we just talk about Tostitos, maybe?

MIKE

Yeah, let’s talk about Tostitos and the great flavour their new lime zest chips come with!

CARTER

Mmmmm!

MIKE

I really can’t get enough! I’m Eggerton, your friend from The End of Time and Other Bothers.

CARTER

(mechanically)

I never knew that lime and chips could go so great together.

MIKE

If you want a little bit of zest, try it with guacamole!

Oh, look, the Shattering.

MARISA

Is it snack time yet?

MIKE

OtherBothers.com.

Music sting.

THE CRATER

The seething organ music returns.

SEAN

Back at the Valley of the Lost Kings, time has moved forward, achingly slow. A few millennia for a couple clicks of a second hand. And we see Blat or Blatman’s body arched, dangerously backwards, still suspended in the air above the fae stone.

And now we see different demons slowly turning, dropping weapons, trying to flee as lightning, moving fast even at this slowed-down speed and striking them, sending them flying in every direction.

And above Blat’s suspended body is a flash of darkness that precedes an ear-shattering boom…

As the goddess Morrigu is born into this reality, blossoming out of the darkness, her body forming up, giant, into the sky.

And we are with Blatman, who is witnessing the birth of his goddess.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

I know now why I was brought backwards in time. It was to ensure that this event happened. It couldn’t possibly have been for any other reason. The other two were mere pawns to ensure this moment arrived.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

And yet you fought me so gloriously. And it feels so good…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(back to his normal voice)

I’m sorry, so you’re not my religion teacher? Is that what you’re telling me?

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes! You’ve changed into—oh, I don’t even know if I’m allowed to say your name now.

Oh, what the hell. Morrigu. Morrigu, Morrigu, Morrigu.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yes, speak it! Speak my name!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, fine. You’ve got my body and you’re now born and it exists and you’re going to be able to take over all of reality, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But! My subconscious, my soul, my… whatever I am right now is still me. And if I’m just going to sit here in the back of my own evil cranium nattering away… well, I’m going to do just that! I don’t like you and I don’t like this entire situation.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, I know. But no, I’m going to fuse you back. You are going to be both, Blat. You are going to be one—and you are going to be my First Protector.

SEAN

Blat’s forehead blazes with light as an image of a tree burns with cold ice into their skin.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

You were meant to be this.

But now, let us stop with all this prattling. Let us discuss how we are going to celebrate my birth! It is my first birthday! I want party hats and I want party bags. And look, look at all the people who have come to attend my party.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I see a lot of fleeing demons and shadow folk, but they’re heading in the other direction… I’m not sure if they want to attend the festivities.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

They must! I demand they attend my party!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, well, let’s try calling them back. Ahem. I’ll try to take control over my body for just a moment…

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Ah yes, let me return time to its more human speed.

Time speeds back up to normal. Panicked screams and the snarling of demons.

SEAN

And with that, chaos erupts. People are fleeing. Darcy comes to her senses. Eggerton is missing. We’re not sure where Eggerton is. And you hear screams and there’s burning fire and you shadow demons are shouting.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat!

SEAN

And Blat falls from fifty feet in the air towards the ground at high speed.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat! Aaaaa!

Blat hits the ground with an unnaturally solid thud. Darcy races over to his side.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can you hear me? Blat! Oh, this does not look good.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

THE GODDESS DEMANDS CAKE.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, déjà vu. Oh no, not again, Blat.

Eggerton, Eggerton, where are you? Eggerton? Eggerton?

Blat, Blat, snap out of it! You’ve been through all this before. You just have to fight it. We’re not doing this again.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

No, we’re not doing this again, for this has not happened before.

This is the moment. The first party.

You, human, will find a bakery. Bring forth a magnificent cake upon it.

You shall place a single candle. And provide enough party bags for anyone in attendance.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I’m not doing that. Namely, because if there was a bakery, it’s destroyed. I don’t know if you noticed all the fungal mush around us, but there is nothing in a very long while.

And secondly, that’s a really stupid request. Even if you did just go evil, I think you’d want something a little more important than a cake. What, for her? Over there? Yeah. We’re not doing that for her. We’re not pandering anymore to that one.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

(coughing)

Actually, I was running the fae bakery, and if all of this could stop, I would provide a cake. As long as this all stops, I just…

(coughs)

Where’d my house go? Hello?

SEAN (AS ANOTHER FAE BAKER)

Pegglesis, what are you saying? Get back here! Get back in this burning house!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

I am a fae baker, and I will use my powers to save the universe if necessary! So this… big black floating thing wants a cake! Let’s give it one!

SEAN (AS ANOTHER FAE BAKER)

Oh, okay. I’ll see if I can… Well, I guess the ovens are on, because the whole house is on fire.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Let’s gather ingredients. I think this cake is going to be very uh, dirt-heavy.

SEAN (AS ANOTHER FAE BAKER)

We’ve got lots of portobello.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, well that’s edible, technically.

MEANWHILE…

SEAN

We zoom out, and we see Lady Veth at the far edge of the field, attempting to pull some of the troops into order.

And then something catches our eye in the trees at the other edge of the clearing. And we see somebody straightening up and lowering some kind of looking glass. It’s Gary. And they have a very large smile on their face.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yes, it’s all going according to my plan.

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Um, what plan? I thought we were running.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, we did run, and now we’ve stopped running while we watch!

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Yeah, just now that the lieutenant is dead and Lady Veth, we don’t know where she is, technically I think I’m the ranking officer.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh yes, I think you are!

MIKE

And I shove him off.

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Aughhhhh!

Whump.

SEAN

I don’t know what he fell into, but okay.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Now I’m the ranking officer!

Well, my uncle’s gonna be unhappy about this, but I guess I should, you know, get in there and see if I can’t be part of the party planning committee!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Excuse me, you’re standing on our portobello. We need that to make the cake.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh, well, you know, I’d like to help with that if I can.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, I thought you were gonna try to kill me.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh no, the person who told me to do that’s long gone now.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, so you don’t have any animosity towards us personally.

MIKE (AS GARY)

No, no, this is all political!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

I suppose that’s—

MIKE (AS GARY)

It’s kind of the family business, you know.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

That makes it better, I guess.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, it’s not better, it’s just less bad, I think.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Well you’re not stabbing me, so I think that’s what makes it better.

MIKE (AS GARY)

All right, so you’re the one who’s gonna make the cake?

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Well, the word “cake” is perhaps too big of a promise, but I’m going to make something to present at the party. I’ve got dirt, and, um, now I have mushroom…

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

I found some strychnine.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Strychnine? How’d you find strychnine?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Well, I sort of had a little stash.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

You’re keeping strychnine?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Sorry, I know I’m not supposed to.

MIKE (AS GARY)

It’s tasty. You put it on ice cream.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

You put strychnine on ice cream?

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh, that’s what we do in Krannox!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Krannox?

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yeah, the big demon city!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

The big demon city?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

It’s the biggest city of all the demons.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

That’s where the… that’s what it’s called?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Krannox!

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, we call it, you know, Big Stinky Demon City.

(laughs)

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, that one! Okay, now I know what you’re saying, yeah.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

So no on the strychnine then?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh…

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

I just feel like you don’t have a lot of options there.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh, well, you know, I actually found these when I was running around. These little cake things.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Little cake things?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Those are like, Motherton fairy cakes!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

That’s an actual dessert item! We could use those.

MIKE (AS GARY)

You want… yeah, here you go! You can take those and put them in with your cake. And I need to find some party bags and hats.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, well, if you go to see the mushroom that’s sort of imploded on fire over there…

MIKE (AS GARY)

The red one?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah. So not that one, the next one over.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yeah?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

That was the party supply shroom.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh, excellent. Okay, I’ll go over…

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Just don’t eat anything in there, ’cause, you know… ha ha ha, yeah, okay.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, I guess we’ll probably still have to sample things to find out what they are.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Okay, ho ho!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

We can give him the strychnine. We’re not gonna use it.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yeah, let me… here, I can use some of that. Glug glug glug…

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Here you go. Yeah, sure, give away all that strychnine.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

What were we gonna do with strychnine?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, here’s your bottle back.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, well, now I know. What are we gonna do with the body, is more of, a better pressing question?

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, he says he eats it on ice cream. I think he’ll be okay!

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Okay. Should we get this dirt back?

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

And I’ll… maybe we could, like, enlarge this fairy cake? I don’t know what kind of fairy cake it is. It smells like cherries.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hi, everyone. I’m sorry to intrude on… what’s this? The party planning committee? Is that it?

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yeah, it’s the party planning committee.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right, and who are you?

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, I’m Gary.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, that’s Gary.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s your name? Gary?

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yeah, I’m Lieutenant Gary.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Right, and you were fighting with the demons.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, I was, but that’s just because I had to.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

It’s political!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, it’s a family thing, and I was forced to show up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s always political.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Yup.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

I’m Twiddledee.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello, Twiddledee. I think we met earlier.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah, we did.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

In fact, you may have helped to build my house.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah! The second story.

MIKE (AS GARY)

Oh, you’re in construction?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Listen, everyone, has anyone seen a fairy… Well, I think you know who I’m talking about. The Motherton. The All-Motherton?

The fae squeal in delight.

SEAN AND CARTER (AS THE FAE BAKERS)

The Motherton!

MIKE (AS GARY)

They get very excited by that word.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They do. They do.

Yeah, have you guys seen the Motherton anywhere around here?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Oh, I could go get her!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You can go get the Motherton?

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Yeah, of course. Can’t you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! Well, I can’t right now, anyway—

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

It’s the Motherton. All fae streams lead to the Motherton.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s great. If you could get the Motherton back here, let me know where the Motherton is, that would be really helpful.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Sure. Who are you again?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m Darcy.

SEAN (AS FAE BAKER)

Right, right, Darcy. Okay. Thank you. I’ll be back!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay—thank you! Excellent.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

I just realized we could get the helmets from all these dead demons and make them party hats!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So I don’t think—

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Look at me! I’m a demon! I can’t see very well because this is too big! Aaa! Oh! Falling over.

Whomp.

The fae baker takes off the helmet.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Okay, it might be too heavy for practical use, but still, I’m thinking! No one else is thinking! I’ve got a cake that’s just fairy cakes with dirt and mushrooms on them…

Actually, I don’t have to keep the dirt and the mushrooms anymore. Okay, success! We have fairy cakes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think what you’re doing is very important right now. Shouldn’t we figure out where all your other fellow fae are? Where are they? What’s happened to them? Are they okay? Are any of them hurt? Do they need help? Do they maybe need ministrations?

MIKE (AS GARY)

You ask a lot of questions!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I do. It’s how I get things done, Gary.

MEANWHILE…

Eerie music.

SEAN

The ice dragon is circling far, far above and has seen enough. Snowball sets a downward trajectory at high speed right for the crater in the centre of the field… and happens to be coming in right as Lady Veth is marshalling her troops to advance.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

What are you doing? Stop running there! Get back here! We are not finished!

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

I feel sort of finished, Lady Veth!

MIKE (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

That’s a giant cloud demon god thing. I can’t fight that.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

We are never finished! I can’t believe how difficult it was just to take, what, three little useless people? Why couldn’t we do that?

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Well, Sareth had one of the little people, and then one of the little people turned into a big spike thing and killed Sareth!

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Well, that is a setback. Now, where’s Gary? Has anyone seen Gary?

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

No, I haven’t seen Gary. Have you seen Gary?

MIKE (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

No, no one’s seen Gary.

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Oh, I saw him get thrown. Thrown way over there.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Well, at least he’s probably been dealt with. That’ll be one blessing that comes out of this.

All right, the rest of you, form up, form up! We will not be taken out by these people!

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

But just as long as you promise, nothing else. It’s just these three and we’re out.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Yes, if you can get them, we will be out! That’s all I want!

MIKE (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

It’s just three. We should be able to do that now.

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Yeah! Three! A human, a beastie, a demon, and a kumquat.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

That’s right, a kumquat. How hard is that to find?

MIKE (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

All right, let’s do it. All right, in line. Everyone in line. All right, forward, left, march, right…

SEAN (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Charrrge!

SEAN

And that’s when Snowball the Ice Dragon explodes out of the clouds and within seconds, impacts into the crater, sending up dust and a shockwave that rolls out, sending everyone flying backwards.

Shouts and screams.

SEAN

And then a large neck and head emerges and a very large dragon begins to lumber out of the crater. And they do not look happy.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Run away, run away! No, this is too much!

MIKE (AS DEMON SOLDIER)

Yeah, we’re going. Nope.

MARISA (AS LADY VETH)

Run away!

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

This is gonna ruin our party.

JAIL CELL

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Psst. Psst. Motherton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s going on?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, hi. Shh, shh, shh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON

What? Why? Why are we being quiet?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Well, ’cause you’re in a weird human cage thing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON

Oh, no. They’re bringing me some food. They took my shoes. It’s all fine!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, okay. Some of the people in the human seem a little mean.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, they’re very mean. Yes. Yes, they hit and they bite and they say mean things about my height.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

I know. I know. Look at my arm.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah. They gave you a rug burn there, right?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Sorry, Twiddledee.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Twiddledee! How are you doing?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

I’m good, Mom. I’m just here to bring you back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, where are we going?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, oh, oh, it’s the, oh, I forgot. Wait. No, no, it’ll come to me. Okay, I’ll try and… I can’t remember. I’m gonna mime it out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here we go. Here we go.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Okay. Uh…

(animal noises)

Hmm hm hm hmn!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Snufflesaur!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Hm hmm hm hmmm.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Yeah, that was it!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy. Yes.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

That was it, yeah. She would like you to come back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay! How do we do that?

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, well, you’re the Motherton. You just think of whoever you are worried about, right? And you just—boop! You can go see anyone just like we can come and see you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I think I need to be near one of the, the fae lines.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, right!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Okay. Oh, there’s a fae line in the park near here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, I’ve been in that one before.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh! So, okay, why don’t I sneak you out of here and we’ll just go to the, uh… uh-oh, here comes one of those mean people.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, Tommy. Um, no, we, you know, it is your turn for the toilet. Uh, so we’ll, we’ll step out of the way.

Tommy sits on the toilet. There is a sudden gushing sound.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Aggghhh.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh my. Oh. Ooo.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooo.

After a brief pause, the gushing resumes with greater force.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

ARRRGHHHH.

(panting)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

He’s so sweaty—

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

AUGHHHHH.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

That, that can’t be healthy.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

WHY ISN’T IT STOPPING AARRRRGHHHH.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I, I told them not to eat the fairy cakes!

Tommy pants and pounds on the wall.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Okay. Okay.

Just breathe through it, just brea—OH HAAAAAARRRGH.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The, the, the futuristic human anatomy doesn’t handle the magic well.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Oh, neither does our nostril system!

Tommy flushes the toilet and sits gasping for breath.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Oh. Gah. Ugh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I think that’s, we should be good. Okay. Tommy, you okay?

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Blew my pants right off.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. That’s, that’s, that’s a mess.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Hooo!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

It’s supposed to just overflow, that, that thing, like that?

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

All right, all right, was that, was that Tommy again?

Tommy! Now we have to turn out the cell again and transfer you all to another one. I wish you would stop doing that.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

(whispers)

This is our chance!

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Our chance, okay.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Then you should stop arresting me and putting me into small cells.

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

Then you should stop breaking the law! How about that?

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

…Nope. I don’t see how the two are connected.

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

All right, listen. Get up, get up. Get your thing, your thing, I guess.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. Yeah, my, my little pouch. I got it right here.

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

That’s right. Whatever that thing is. And we’re gonna transfer you to the next cell.

The guard pulls out a huge ring of keys.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

No funny business, okay?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

None at all. No funny business.

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

You talk funny and I don’t trust you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I do talk funny. So, oh, look over there, a distraction!

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

What are you—where’s—what?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Run away!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Okay, I’m flying, I’m flying!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I can’t fly.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

I’ll carry you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Whoaaa!

MARISA (AS JAILHOUSE GUARD)

Wait a minute—arghh!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

I’m not gonna reach the window!

Whump.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ow!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Okay, let’s try again.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay.

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

Here we go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

One, two, three, and—whaaahh!

SEAN (AS TWIDDLEDEE)

(screams)

There we go!

Wings flapping at top speed, Pegglesis and Eggerton smash through the window and escape.

CARTER (AS TOMMY)

Before you move me, could I use the bathroom for a second?

THE PARTY

Night has fallen. A remarkably cheerful crowd chatters in the distance.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I appreciate what you’ve done here. Those demons don’t seem like they’re really into my party, I will point out. But I like the hats.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

Wait, wait. Perhaps they could sing you a song.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Oh, yes. I love a song! I’ve never heard a song. I’ve heard of songs. This will be the first song I’ve ever actually heard.

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

Happy birthday, Evil Dark Thing In The Sky…

EVERYONE (AS FAE)

Happy birthday, Evil Dark Thing In The Sky!

Happy birthday, Evil Dark Thing In The Sky…

Happy birthday to you—

CARTER (AS FAE BAKER)

—don’t kill us don’t kill us don’t kill us don’t kill us don’t kill us, here are some cakes!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

(sobbing, overcome with emotion)

Amazing. Blatman… this is the best first day party ever.

CARTER (AS BLATHOXIL)

And now everyone should eat the cakes.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Yes! Everyone! EAT THE CAKES.

MARISA (AS A FAE PARTYGOER)

They’re more like pies?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Kill that one!

A roar of energy.

MARISA (AS A FAE PARTYGOER)

Yaaaagh!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Now, eat the pie cakes!

MIKE (AS GARY)

I actually got kind of full on strychnine a little bit.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Kill that one!

MIKE (AS GARY)

Well, I—I’ll just walk away. Sorry!

(walking away)

My bad. It’s on me.

(fading in the distance)

They told me we were going to have cake and I just took all the strychnine back…

MORNING

Birdsong and a refreshing breeze.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Oh, Blat. Oh, Blat! Wake up!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Aaa! Aa! Aaaa! Pure consciousness!

Oh, what a terrible nightmare.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Yes, you’re in your body. I need your help, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m in my body?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So… I’m off the hook?!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

No, you are still the First Protector, but you and Blatman share the same body.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

But not that. Stay. I need Blat. Not Blatman.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay! Okay. So right now I’m me and that’s okay. What do you need my help with?

Did a party just happen here? What’s with all this stuff lying around?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

It was a lot of fun. You had an amazing conga line. It was so amazing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, thanks for inviting the other half of me to it!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Well, you know, one of you is just a bit more fun. But I need you now, Blat! I need you. I can’t do this without you. I’ve gotten a summons from something called… Hall-mark?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, can I see that for a moment?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Yeah, something about illegal use of copyrighted material. And I don’t understand it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhhh, yeah, we shouldn’t have mentioned this name at all. We should have called it something else like, well, just off the top of my head, because this is the first birthday for a demonic character, but… “Hell-mark” might have been a bit better?

Speaking of hell-marks, what’s this thing here burned into the centre of my forehead? Is this a tree?!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Can we stay on topic? I don’t understand why I have to pay this fee for a bunch of people singing a song I didn’t even ask them to sing!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, um, the law’s a bit tricky here. Some say that this particular song is so popular that perhaps a fair usage is in effect.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Oh, I like that. That sounds good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Other people can be kind of particular about this and demand some money up front.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I don’t like that part.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It all depends really on how many people listen to the singing of the song. I mean, really, realistically, how many people do you think heard the singing of the song?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Well, in the clearing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just the clearing?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Well, I may have broadcast—I was a little excited—I may have broadcast it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You broadcasted that?!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Well, I was sort of proud that it may be the first godcast ever.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. So how many people do you think maybe ballpark listened to the broadcast of the song?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Through all time or within a window of time?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Through all time?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Well, yes, I broadcast it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So people in the future heard this?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Oh, yes, they really enjoyed it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, wait a second. If people from the future heard it, maybe that’s past the point where people would want to sue about it or even courts exist at all.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Oh, yes, yes! Like, you know how well the rules were after a certain period of time you can’t sue anymore… what if we move the court case so far in the future?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Like maybe… right before the planet stops existing!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I love you so much, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Great. So could I stay this Blat?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Kona, Lillianne Johnston, Ren and Becky Arenivar.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN

And suddenly, Eggerton can see the lines of energy connecting him to so many forgotten places. But one of them stands out and calls to him.

Silence.

MIKE

What am I supposed to do now?

Laughter.

MARISA

And we’re back.

CARTER

All right. All right. I got it. I got it.

MARISA

No! You know what he’s going to “get it” with.

CARTER (AS PORTAL SALESMAN)

Dahh! Is my little friend?

Beep.

MIKE (AS GARRY)

(even goofier than his usual voice)

All right, troops! No? Okay, it’s just me, but I’m ready to go!

I’m turning into Yogi Bear!

The table dissolves into helpless laughter.

MARISA

(laughing)

It’s Yogi Bear…

CARTER (AS YOGI BEAR)

Oh! Gotta get my demonic pic-a-nic basket!

Hey, Boo Boo! We gotta make sure this Morrigu gets a good party!