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54: Times Change

A word from a goddess brings back a wave of memories from Darcy’s past.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Marisa King, Carter Siddall and Michael Howie
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Bullying, fantasy racism, dystopian oppression, food-related injuries, smoking and crimes.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Snowball, we need your help to get out of the cave.

Couldn’t you use your ginormous tail to smash a bigger hole?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(tearful)

Oh, my beautiful perfect boy was spooning me.

I didn’t know my heart could grow so big!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(weeping)

I know!

MARISA

And as all this is happening, I transform into a giant mole.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yee meep!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So what’s a good form for me to take?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Neep!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A big chipmunk?

SEAN

All of the scorpions are launching into the air and the black mass is forming outside the cave.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ba-zooka.

SEAN

Nothing happens.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Kazoo-baaa!

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Do you need help, Defender?

SEAN

Black metal plate armour clanks down all over Blat’s body.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Don’t worry, everyone! I know what to do!

SEAN

You fire, it hits the hole, and you see it start to enlarge as the cave begins to collapse all around you.

MARISA

I transform into a huge grizzly bear.

SEAN (AS SNOWBALL)

Now call.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Call who?

SEAN (AS SNOWBALL)

Call everyone who must answer you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

ROAAAAR!

SEAN

You hear it answered. A pack of giant werewolves off in the distance, but also some kind of burrowing creature responding to your call…

And Snowball bows his head to you.

SNOWBALL’S CAVE

Dramatic music.

SEAN

There’s a blinding white light emanating from the cave, and growing brighter and brighter. And at its centre is Darcy.

And Darcy is rapidly changing between different were-forms. And the necklace around her neck that she’d almost grown to forget about is emitting the sound, and this light that is getting brighter and brighter.

And suddenly, there’s almost an explosion of light outward. And it freezes everything.

You see, Darcy, all the animals and the were-creatures and all the magical beings gathering and bowing their heads towards you.

And then there’s a presence that you haven’t felt in a very long time. And she steps forward and reaches a finger out to touch her forehead and says one word…

CARTER (AS LOXSYN)

…Muffins.

Laughter.

MARISA

Of course it is.

FLASHBACK: WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

SEAN

Darcy, I want you to take us back to the first moment and realization that you were different. Where was that?

MARISA

I was at school out in the schoolyard. And one of the boys was bullying me. And then when he pushed me down on the ground, I realized that there was something going on inside me that was something I couldn’t understand.

And the hair stood up on my arms and started to stand up on my head too. And my eyes went all dark and violet. And the boy backed away from me. And everyone else did too.

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

Whoa, what’s going on? Oh, you’re crying? Gonna cry, little girl?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Shut up! I’m not crying.

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

What’s happening with your eyes?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What do you mean?

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

What’s happening with your skin?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Go away. Nothing’s happening with me. You’re just being mean!

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

I didn’t mean to do nothing.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Just get away. Get away.

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

Okay, okay, don’t hurt me.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Don’t ever come near me again!

MIKE (AS A CLASSMATE)

What’s happening to Darcy over there?

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

I don’t know, something’s creepy. Something’s wrong.

MIKE (AS A CLASSMATE)

Just run away! Run away from Darcy!

CARTER (AS A TEACHER)

It’s the bran muffins! She’s having some sort of reaction to the bran muffins! We can’t have bran muffins at the school anymore!

MIKE (AS A CLASSMATE)

Oh no!

CARTER (AS A TEACHER)

No more muffins!

SEAN (AS A CLASSMATE)

Mrs Feckelstein! You aren’t supposed to freak out like us kids!

CARTER (AS MRS FECKELSTEIN THE TEACHER)

I wasn’t trained for any of this! I’m just supposed to teach you kids enough basic math to get you through a lower level of the employment rung. But I’m not trained for this! No more bran muffins!

Run from the one child who’s different than the rest of us, children! Run for your life!

Panicked screaming.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie, and Carter Siddall.

Episode 54: Times Change.

FLASHBACK: THE PROM

SEAN

Okay, so where is Darcy?

It’s high school. It’s the first big dance, Sweet 16 dance. Where is Darcy?

MARISA

At home.

SEAN

Okay. Is Darcy alone at home?

MARISA

No, with her parents.

SEAN

Okay, and both parents are still alive?

MARISA

Yes.

SEAN

And they are named?

MARISA

…Roberta and Edward.

SEAN

Okay.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I just think that she needs more friends—what was my partner’s name that was just said?

Laughter.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Edward? I just want her to have more friends. That’s all I’m saying, Edward.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, I’d like to ensure that she has a good job. And if she’s studying, that’s all that’s really important.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

But is she studying? What’s the point of having a good job if you’re not able to connect with anyone and come together as a family like we did?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Are you talking about me again?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, of course we’re not talking about you, darling.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

You’re talking about me, aren’t you?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, we’re maybe talking around about you. But it’s because we love you so much. And I’d just like to see you go and participate in school things.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Why? What has participation ever got me?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, that’s how I met your father.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

We participated in things, together!

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

We were great at our spring formal performance. It’s when I fell in love.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well, I don’t need to fall in love. I’m perfectly fine upstairs reading my book.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, that’s what you think now. But someday, you’ll be all alone and wish you had gone to this dance.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Trust me, that won’t happen.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

My goodness, I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

You’ve upset your mother. Now let’s just sit down like a family and hash this through with a good old-fashioned plate of bran muffins.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

I’m going out. You can talk about me all you want now.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I forgot. That was a trigger for you. That’s on me, honey. I’m sorry.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I think it’s good, though, that you pointed that out and that you learned from your experience. And maybe you can support her in better ways. Fortunately, I’ve always been a perfect mother and never done anything wrong. And that’s why Darcy is taking after you and being such a rapscallion.

Silence.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, she left. Maybe she’s participating in something.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

That’s a good point.

SEAN

As you go outside and just sit on—

MARISA

(facepalm)

I think I see the reason why Darcy’s messed up.

Laughter.

SEAN

As you go outside, Darcy, and sit on the front steps, you hear a clop of a hoof. And you hear a “Psst!” from the bushes. And you think it might be your centaur friend, Paul.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Paul, is that you?

SEAN (AS PAUL THE CENTAUR)

What? No.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well, who’s there then?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

It’s me. It’s Paul.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Then why didn’t you just say it was you?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

I’m just embarrassed! I couldn’t get up the courage to knock on the door.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Why are you even here? Why aren’t you at the dance?

SEAN

He steps out, brushing his—I don’t know what a centaur does to awkwardly brush their feet on the ground. That’s what he does.

Laughter.

MIKE

They maybe stamp their feet.

SEAN

Stamps his feet?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

I don’t know. I don’t know. I felt weird, you know? I don’t know. I didn’t want to go to the dance.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Yeah, well, trust me. I know how you feel. Dances are stupid anyway.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah, they are.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

There’s just going to be Chad and Brittany there anyway.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah. Probably going to be prom king and queen or whatever.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Yeah, of course they are. Everyone’s going to vote for them.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah, I just wanted to hang with you, you know?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well, that’s cool. My mom and dad are trying to figure out how to fix me in there. So I’d rather be anywhere but there.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

You want to go to the park? We could go sneak around after curfew and hide from the centurions?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well, that’s always good, yeah.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Okay!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Let’s go.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

All right, cool.

SEAN

And you guys walk off.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Honey, are you outside participating in something? Honey?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I told you she’s probably just off reading somewhere.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, reading outside, does that count as participating in something? I mean, she’s not in the house.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

But is she with another person or is she just reading by herself under a tree again?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Do the other people in the book count?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of book. Is it fiction or non?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, it’s still people either way.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Yes, but some of them are long-dead historic figures and I don’t know that you could really be friends with a long-dead historic figure. Perhaps the same way you could be with a fantasy character.

SEAN

Flashing lights as a car comes to a stop.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

What’s that?

SEAN

An officer gets out.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

We’ve had reports of a domestic situation.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I have no idea, Officer Centurion.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I knew that participating in things would get us in trouble eventually!

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

I’m going to need to take down your names.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Oh, my name’s, um…

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

This is my wife, Roberta—

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Roberta.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

—who has a very, very short memory.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Yes, and my husband, Edward! I did not forget.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

Do you realize it’s after curfew and you’re standing out in front of your house shouting? That’s against the law.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

We’re not outside of the house. We just have the house door open and the volume spread. We’re very sorry, Officer.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

All right, well, just don’t let it happen again, okay?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Of course. Of course.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

We’ll just go back into our house where our daughter also is because she wouldn’t be outside after curfew. No, sir.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

No, especially not by herself not participating.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

Okay, good, that checks. Perfect.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Thank you again, Officer.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

You just have to close the door.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Closing the door…

(lowers her voice)

Do you think he knows that we weren’t telling the truth to him?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

No, I think we covered it up pretty good.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

You might want to close not the screen door, but the main door.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Oh, ha ha, yes, yes, yes, we’ll just—

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Ha ha, good eye, Officer. Good eye.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

And then we’ll just close that and—click.

SEAN (AS POLICE OFFICER)

Man, this shift’s never going to end.

SOON…

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

All right, here comes another mark. We’ll get this one.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Good, yes, sir. Good, boss, good! A mark! A victim! Someone that we can con or get money from in an illegal fashion.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Absolutely. And we were also looking, though, to get signatures on this petition, remember, the petition. The petition is the important thing.

If they can give us money, we’ll take it. But we need signatures.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Signatures, and then we can have the new community centre built!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Exactly.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Where all new marks will come in thinking they can participate in things!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Yes.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

But instead, we’ll cheat them out of their hard-earned loot.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

And we’ll get to watch all the children enjoy the new playground.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

That, too! Oh, joy!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

I told you this pivot into community building was going to be good for you and me.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

I enjoy not just being a taker in society, but a giver as well.

SEAN

We hear laughter as Paul the centaur comes to a sudden stop, out of breath.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

That was awesome, Darcy.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

That was hilarious. I can’t believe you threw that rock at his head.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Oh, yeah. “STAND DOWN, CITIZEN. STAND DOWN.”

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

“MERP MERP, I THINK I AM HAVING A SHORT CIRCUIT.”

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Bzzzzt!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

So great. Oh my god, my parents would be so mad at me.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Oh no, oh no, I said I’d have you back by 9. It’s 9.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What? Oh, well, okay. Well, remember to bring me those centaur pants. You promised me that you would.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

I actually brought them.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

You did?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

I did.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Oh, so cool.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Well, look, we can cut through this alley and we can get home faster.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Okay, sounds good. That’s a good idea. Let’s go.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Okay.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Here come two now.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Wait, there might be three of them. I see six pairs of legs!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

You got to stop counting legs and start counting eyes.

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Eyes. That’s the trick. Eyes.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Excuse me, we gotta get past! Out of the way, out of the way.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Hold on, hold on. Where are you two running off to?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What does it matter to you?

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

But you see, there’s a current need in this community.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Darcy, it’s gnomes.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

You know, gnomes. We shouldn’t talk to gnomes.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We’re just trying to do good for the children here!

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Don’t you care about the community? Or is that just for us gee-nomes here to worry about?

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

We want two slides at the new playground, and that’s not going to happen unless we get enough signatures on this here petition.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

This is really dangerous, Darcy.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What are you talking about?

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

I’ve got a pen here somewhere. Where’s my—

SEAN (AS PAUL)

It’s one thing for us to take on Centurions, but gnomes?

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

They’ve got a petition. How threatening can that be?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

That’s a death sentence!

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Also, we’re looking for donations. How much cash do you kids gots on ya?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

All the wanted posters? The emperor? This is sedition!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

What do you mean? So what do we do?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

We have to go! No, we’re not signing anything!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Why are you—no, don’t push past me! I just want a signature, that’s all.

Ominous music.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Hey, hey, listen. Let my buddy go.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

No, hey, no. Just here, just take this and sign it. You can use your hoof or whatever.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

I don’t want to sign it! No! No! You can’t make me sign it!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Stop it! Stop!

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Hey, wait a second! Are those pants worth something? Give me those pants, kid! Gimme the pants!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

(suddenly ferocious)

Hey, leave him alone!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

(gasps)

Oh…

MARISA

And suddenly, I have hair all over my body, and my eyes have got really big, and my nose has got a little bit longer, and I’ve become a bit taller.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

Oh, okay. Hey, look, no, no. We don’t need none of that trouble. We just want to help the kids out!

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Get out of here. Now.

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

This way, this way, this way! Quick!

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

That one was an animal at the back, and now that one’s an animal at the front!

MIKE (AS A GNOME)

What?

CARTER (AS A GNOME)

Cheese it!

The gnomes flee in terror.

MIKE

(laughing)

That was an out of character “what”, because I had no idea what the hell you just said.

CARTER

That one’s got a horse body at the back, and then her face was changing!

MIKE

(laughs)

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Paul, are you okay?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah, I’m fine.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

I didn’t know anything about gnomes. I’m sorry. You look really freaked out.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

No, I’m fine. Everything’s good.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Are you sure?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

(not fine)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well, do you want me to walk you home—

SEAN (AS PAUL)

No, no, no, I’m okay. No, I just—here’s the pants.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Well… thank you. Do you want to do something tomorrow?

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, of course. Call me or come to the house. I have to go.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Okay, well, I’ll talk to you soon!

SEAN (AS PAUL)

Yeah. Okay.

MARISA (AS YOUNG DARCY)

Bye, Paul.

SEAN (AS PAUL)

…Yeah.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

ELI

Hi, everybody. It’s Eli here with the midroll announcements this time around.

Perhaps you guessed by the resonant tones in the intro and outro—that was recorded during my bout with COVID. That was great fun. Sean brought it home from a convention—be careful at conventions. Oh, man. We’re vaccinated, so it did not take us out completely, but it did suck. It was a bad cold-ish in its scope, but we’ve been isolating and trying to take it easy. And now we’re digging it from under a big old backlog of stuff, including this episode, which is a couple days late. Do forgive us.

In the meantime, we’ve got some bonuses on the way. There is an End of Time and Other Bothers music breakdown for Episode 47, the Battle of Faeton. That’s going to be a whole lot of fun.

And now that Sean and I are better, we’re going to reconvene the table, get everyone back in here and record more new episodes. Episode 55 is already in the can. And if you thought this episode was pretty wacky-doo, Episode 55… it goes places. And I will say no more than that.

Meanwhile, let’s get on with the show.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: DIVINE HIPSTERS

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

(lackadaisical)

I think it’s like a thing that you want to talk about, but you can’t talk about.

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Oh, so it’s taboo. This is not something that you can mention in polite society.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

(chipper)

Are you guys talking about Morrigu?

Thunder rumbles.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Shhh!

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Come on!

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Cheryl!

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

What’s wrong?

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Sorry. Hi, Brittany. I thought you were Cheryl.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

You always get me confused with Cheryl! That’s Cheryl.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Hiii!

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Hey, Cheryl. Hey, you can’t just go around blasting that name. We’re trying to, you know, create a movement here.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

A movement?

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

What?

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

A sense of mystery. A mystique.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Okay, well, you could just say it like Morrigu! Isn’t that mysterious?

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Well, it’s more mysterious if we don’t say it at all.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Well, then how are they going to know you’re talking about Morrigu?

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

(groans)

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Now, what if we just pretend that we don’t care, and we say, “Morrigu, whatever.”

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Like we do with everything else!

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Let me try it. Let me try it.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Okay, okay.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Hey, do you care about Morrigu?

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Pffft! Why would I care about Morrigu?

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

See, it seems so cool when you just did that.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Did that work?

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yeah!

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Okay, okay. Sort of like, “Pfft, yeah, like I care about my parents.”

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yeah, it’s just like that.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

So cool!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now try it with this beret on.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Can I put it—

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Oh, you got it, yeah, a little skew.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Pfff. Yeah, I’m not into Morrigu.

Chorus of “Oh, wow.”

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

It just makes me want to worship her more.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

I need to get a Morrigu tattoo.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yes!

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Let’s go get Morrigu tattoos, guys.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

But like, we got to do them in a way that like says we’re like not really into her. Like, over her.

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

An ironic Morrigu tattoo.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Like, I’m over this.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

You’re so over it, it’s in the past. And that’s how we bring it into the current.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

So are you saying we can’t use the t‑shirts I made them? Because look, they say, “I want more of Morrigu.”

But is that too like into her? Do we have to back that off?

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

I don’t know. I don’t know.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

I thought it was catchy.

CARTER (AS A WORSHIPPER)

I want less of… more of goo?

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

More Morrigu? Question mark?

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Question mark.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Question mark.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Wait, wait, wait. “I want more of Morrigu like I want…”

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

“…more of goo.”

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

More of goo.

MARISA (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Oh, that’s it. That’s it.

They all begin chanting “More of goo! More of goo!”

A huge crash of thunder.

SEAN

Like, the last thing you should do is like go to Patreon. It’s so stupid.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yeah, I just know that you can go to otherbothers.com too. But that’s real old school.

SEAN (AS A WORSHIPPER)

No, that’s like—you’d have to use a website.

MIKE (AS A WORSHIPPER)

Yeah, most people are so beyond just going on the web and getting involved…

Music sting.

FLASHBACK: THE MUSEUM

The anthemic version of the theme tune from Episode 1.

SEAN

We’re flying into the People’s Museum of Culture and Prosperity.

There are people lined up for tickets, buses offloading a lot of children that are coming in.

And we go through a door into a more dingy hallway to a waiting room. And a young man steps forward and says,

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

is there a Darcy here? Mr. Sootweather will see you for the interview.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, that’s me.

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

Okay. If you just want to come here, along this way.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

It’s… interesting dress choice for a job interview.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s wrong with this? Do you have a dress code here?

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

Well, actually, yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s once I’m employed, right?

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

Yeah, technically.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, then what’s your problem?

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

Well, I was just trying to be helpful. Sorry, didn’t mean to—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just take me to the interview.

SEAN (AS AN ASSISTANT)

Okay. It’s right in here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Well, do you have your resume with you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yep, here it is.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Crumpled up. Perfect.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, it just needs a little smoothing out.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

I see you are really good at holding in your thoughts…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oookay.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Darcy—oh.

I can’t remember the name of your father, but he works here.

Laughter.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

You’re Edward’s daughter, are you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yep. Is that going to count against me?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

(sighs)

No. Fine.

All right, so talk to me about why you want to work at the People’s Museum of Culture and Prosperity.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh… There aren’t a lot of jobs out there, and I figure this is a good place than any to get some experience. You know, my father seems to like it here.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Is there anything maybe at the museum that you have seen, or like, “Oh, that’s something I’m interested in?”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I like some of the displays, I guess. Some of those are kind of cool.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Which displays?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You know, just some of those artifacts you have around.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Oh, boy. Fine.

So we do have a position opening in the cafeteria, if you’d—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The cafeteria?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes, in the kitchen.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So what, I’d be cooking, or—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Well, you’d be assisting. So maybe ladling out, you know, things, or—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, okay. I can ladle stuff, but… it’s just that I can’t serve muffins.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

(to himself)

Why? Why do I do this job? Why?

Fine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Like, just I could serve most muffins, but particularly not bran muffins. I have an allergy. I have a bad allergy.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Right. Okay, I’ll make note of that in your file.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, cool.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Jerry, could you come in here, please, Jerry?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Hey, boss!

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes, if you could please see Miss Darcy—

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Miss Darcy!

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

—to the cafeteria to be fitted for an apron.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Apron.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yeah, and maybe some pants?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Yes, yes. Well, I think they’re wearing pants, sir.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Some normal pants?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Normal! Normal. Yes, for us… for us humans who are normal.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Yes.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

You said that very strangely.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Well, no, I just—just remembering what’s in the employee handbook. Sir.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

You’re a little short, and you’re a little—

MIKE (AS JERRY)

I don’t know what you mean, I’m a little—what?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

You don’t have any… No, you wouldn’t have any gnome

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Ha ha ha ha!

No.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Okay, right.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

No, sir.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to ask.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

No, it’s okay. You know, that’s some of times when you’re a little bit—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

I really don’t want to know.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

You don’t wanna “gnome”. I get it. That’s funny.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

But if you’re a little short, people assume that about you, and there’s a lot of stereotypes, sir.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Because we wouldn’t want to have, basically, a gnome working here in a government facility.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

No, that would be unheard of, sir.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Right.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Yes. Well, I would never succeed at this level, like you, if I were—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

What’s sticking out of your pocket?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

That’s nothing. No, don’t pay any attention to that.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

That wasn’t a petition, was it?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

No… No! just—I don’t know anything about any gnomish petition rackets. That’s not—no, I—no, and I haven’t seen my brother in years.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

I didn’t ask about—

MIKE (AS JERRY)

So Miss Darcy, you wanted to see the cafeteria! I’m very happy to show it to you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is he going to supervise me?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Sadly, no. I mean, for good—no, no, he’s—

MIKE (AS JERRY)

“Gnome”—see, he keeps making the same joke.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Hopefully, he’ll be able to see you to the cafeteria, where he can get you some clothing to wear on your job, and a name tag would be—

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Oh, a name tag! We get to use the name-inator.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, that sounds cool.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

The name-inator is actually a really neat device that we found from a different culture long ago. We don’t talk about who.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Jerry, could you walk and talk, please?

MIKE (AS JERRY)

Oh, walk and talk! Okay, come with me. Follow me. Yeah, okay, you’re very tall, aren’t you? Okay, just this way.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, thanks, Mr. Sitwell, for the job, I guess…

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

It’s Sootweather.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, yeah.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

That’s not great on your first day.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s true. I’m not great with names.

MIKE (AS JERRY)

That’s okay.

The door closes behind them.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Nancy, get me Edward, please.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Yes, sir, right away! Which Edward would that be?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Edward.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

We have many Edwards working here—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Edward in accounting, whose daughter just came in here, I promised…

The one I play poker with, that I owe some money to.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, Edward Kimball.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Yes, I will get him right away.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Thank you, Nancy.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

(hums)

Merp merp…

MIKE

(laughs)

Click.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Hello? Hello?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Nancy, you’re supposed to be getting Edward.

CARTER

(giggling)

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Are you there, Nancy?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

I’m so sorry, it’s a new system. It’s a new system. I’ll get Edward…

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Kimball.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Kimball. Right away.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Thank you.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

From poker.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

He’s in accounting.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Okay, right. He’s in accounting, yes. Okay, accounting. Accounting is 3–4‑1, okay, 3–4‑1. Okay, here we go.

Clicking and beeping.

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

Hello?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, hello. Is this accounting?

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

This is accounting. How can I help you?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Okay, great. I’m looking—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Do I have to hear this whole thing?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just—

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

What? Who’s that?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

That’s Mr. Sootweather.

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

Oh, Mr. Sootweather! I was hoping to get some of your time, sir. We need to have a conversation about the accounting system that we have in place. And you see, this fella here, he can’t get me. And you see, this fella here, he keeps seeming to think that he’s going to get to tell me what to do, even though he’s not the supervisor—Edward or something. And I think it’s getting a little out of hand. He seems to think someone owes him somewhere. But I think that we’ve got a good system that we can improve upon. And if I could just get two, three, four hours of face time with you at some point this week, I think we could really establish what we need.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Nancy, I’m still on hold. I can’t hear anything. Is anything going on? Hello?

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

Nancy, is Mr. Sootweather hearing this?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, yes he heard it all. And we’re going to pencil you in for an appointment. No problem. Can I please speak to Edward Kimball?

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

Edward Kimball, yes. Just a moment.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Thank you.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

What is up with this system?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Hi, Mr. Sootweather? Just momentarily, we’re going to have Edward Kimball on the phone for you, okay?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes, thanks, Nancy.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Also, we need to give some time to, um, Mr. Taylor in accounting.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Oh, no. I don’t want to ever talk to—

MARISA (AS NANCY)

He’s got some concerns.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

No, please do not. I don’t want to talk to Tim.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Okay, so I’ll pencil him in for Wednesday.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

No, no, no.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Wednesday at 3. Okay, excellent. Okay, one moment, please, Mr. Sootweather.

Beep. Click.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Hello?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Hello, this is Edward Kimball.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, good. Edward Kimball, I’ve got Mr. Sootweather on the line for you, please.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh no! What have I done?!

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Well, I wouldn’t know that, would I?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

What happened—I’m on hold. Why can I not hear anything on this system?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Just a moment. I’m going to patch you through.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh, all right.

Okay, Mr. Sootweather, you’re on with Mr. Kimball.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Thank you. Thanks, Nancy.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Hello, this is Edward. I enjoy participating in things!

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Edward, it’s George.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh! George, old man. Heh, How are you? I hope that I’m not in trouble for anything or—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

No, you’re not in trouble for anything. I’m calling about the… the poker.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh, so instead of money, you were indeed able to hire my daughter for a—

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Shh, don’t say it on the line!

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I’m sorry. Um… paying me money for the illegal gambling we participated in.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Oh, that’s better.

Yes, so your daughter just stopped by, just wanted to let you know, for a position. And I got her a position in the cafeteria. A junior mid-level senior assistant.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

So a ladler?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Yes, yes.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh! I can’t tell you what a load that is off my mind. Roberta and I, all we want is for Darcy to be participating in things, and finally that’s going to happen. George, I owe you.

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Oh, no, no, no, please. We’re even. And she’ll be participating in three meals a day.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Mr. Sootweather, did you want me to stay on the line?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

No, Nancy. In fact, why don’t you get off the line and buy yourself something nice?

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Oh, okay!

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

On my card.

MARISA (AS NANCY)

Why, thank you, Mr. Sootweather. I will certainly do that.

Click.

MIKE (AS SOMEONE IN ACCOUNTING)

Mr. Sootweather, did you want me off the call too? Or is this just, you don’t want Nancy on anymore?

SEAN (AS MR SOOTWEATHER)

Hang this up. Hang it up. How do I hang this…

Mr. Sootweather punches buttons frantically.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Edward, is that you? Why did you call home?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Roberta, I didn’t know I was trying to call home. I just heard a bunch of beeps, and now I’m talking to you! But good news—Darcy is participating in things.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

That’s wonderful! It’s all I ever wanted was for Darcy to participate.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

She’s a junior ladler here at the museum!

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

And before you know it, she’ll fall in love and be taken care of forever and her entire future will be laid out for her.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

If only she’d wear normal pants.

And have you noticed the weird bran muffin thing?

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Yeah, I’m not sure when that started, really. Just some time over her lifespan, she avoided the bran muffins.

Silence.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, I suppose I should get back to work. I’m not sure why we’re talking in the middle of the day.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, I was just sitting here thinking about the future. And the phone rang, and I heard some gentleman swearing a bunch, and then you were there.

Silence.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, I think the future looks good!

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Well, I do too. But I do have a question. Could you pick up some bread on the way home?

SEAN

(laughs)

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I suppose I could. That’s not asking too much.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

That’s wonderful. We’re really low on bread at home.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

So I’m just going to confirm… bread… Darcy now has job…

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Are you using the letterhead that my parents got us?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

You know I am.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I’m so pleased. It just makes everything feel so much more formal.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Well, I enjoy looking formal here at my job as a junior accountant at the museum.

Now: “Bran muffins?” question mark. We’ll circle back to that later. But I won’t forget the—

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

Edward!

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh, oh.

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

I need you to look into something. There’s been a strange increase in phone usage. I need you to track it down and figure out who’s doing that.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Oh, you mean numbers, sir, that just randomly get called?

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

Yes, sir.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

People in the middle of conversations?

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

People at work on the phone. Wait, you’re not talking to that phone thing, are you?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

No, I just have the headset here on my head in case I am talking to someone.

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

See, I knew, Edward. I knew from the get go, ha ha, you are the kind of person we need around here.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I knew before I came in today that I would have to pick up bread. I don’t need my wife to remind me.

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

Ha ha, what? Oh, wow.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

What was that? Who are you talking to?

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

So I need you to track that down, okay, Edward?

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I’m going to figure that out…

Both conversations continue simultaneously.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

I just think that you should pay attention to me and participate in this conversation we’re in. If you don’t have time to talk at work, you should just tell me you don’t have time to talk at work.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

I will certainly do that.

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

All right. Remember to cut me in.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

But I don’t want you playing any more poker, okay? It’s very frustrating. Edward? Edward? Edward? Fine. Just remember not to get bran muffins…

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

You know what’s good about the poker game?

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

No.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

Is if you win, you can then use the fact that you won to get favours later on! Like perhaps jobs for family members.

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

See, this is why I got you pegged, ha ha. Thinking ahead.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

It feels really weird at this point. Are we going to fade to black? I don’t know. Are we going to just slowly transition back to a normal scene? When are our main characters going to be talked about again?

SEAN (AS EDWARD’S BOSS)

Let’s see if we can get one of the uppers involved in the game.

MIKE (AS ROBERTA)

Because there’s no plot. I’m just going to keep talking.

CARTER (AS EDWARD)

That’s a good idea that I hadn’t thought about! Maybe someone with a lot of power. The power to, say, fire people!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s going to never end.

FLASHBACK: THE CAFETERIA

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

You two there! The muffins have arrived. Shipping dock two. Put down the ladles. Go help bring in the muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t touch the muffins.

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

Bring in the muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t want to bring in the muffins.

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

Brin in the… Take Macy. Macy, take Darcy, and go do muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(groans)

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

Man, kids nowadays.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Macy, will you help me with the muffins, please?

CARTER (AS MACY)

Why is it that you can’t just do muffins yourself?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I just—they just skeeze me out.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

CARTER (AS MACY)

They’re just muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, maybe to you they are.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Yesterday, we had loaded cakes. Nothing. Pies before that. Nothing. Breakfast cereals. All good. Muffins, you can’t do.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, you—just do them, will you? The faster we do it, the faster we can get back to ladling.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, and I’m so desperate to get back to ladling.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You like it.

CARTER (AS MACY)

First day it’s good, because it makes that embarrassing sound when it hits the plastic tray. After that, it gets a bit old. “Would you like more of the creamed corn?” Splorp. “How about some mashed potatoes?” Splat.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but you like it when it splashes on the customers just a little bit.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Well, yeah, I do like it, because they’re usually wearing such expensive clothing. Oh! You wanted to wear a fancy blouse to the museum? Well, ugh, here’s a dry cleaning bill for you, you jerk.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They’re so pretentious here. But the staff is the worst.

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Hey, girls. Gonna unload my truck? Please take your time. I don’t want to drive back. I’m going to have a smoke. Anyone want a smoke?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no thanks.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, is that that new oregano that’s going around?

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Yeah, “oregano”, yeah.

CARTER (AS MACY)

It’s not oregano?

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Okay, kids. I’m going to be up in the—take your time, okay?

CARTER (AS MACY)

No, really, I smoked some thyme last week, and then I heard that oregano was the new thing. What have I been doing?

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Muffins aren’t going to unload themselves!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just get the muffins.

CARTER (AS MACY)

All right, all right…

Ominous music.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Look, Darcy.

I’ve got a bran muffin. What are you going to do?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m going to stand over here.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, the bran muffin’s getting closer to you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, don’t do—no, stop it.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh no, look, I’ve got two bran muffins!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Macy. Macy. No, I don’t like it!

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, no. I’ve got bran muffins for eyes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! No!

CARTER (AS MACY)

All I see is bran! All I see is bran!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t like it! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, get over yourself.

The music stops abruptly.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, isn’t there something that messes you up?

CARTER (AS MACY)

Well, like normal things, like drowning in the river, but I’m not like freaking out over something that my grandfather eats at breakfast with blueberries spread across them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I guess you’re just perfect then. You have no problems, whatever.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, yeah, I’ve got no problems whatsoever. I’m ladling food here at the stupid museum, so obviously I’m living in paradise.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

So what are you going to do tonight after work?

CARTER (AS MACY)

I don’t know. Probably throw things at a centurion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh my gosh! I used to do that with my friend Paul all the time.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Used to? Oh, honey, it’s the only thing that gets me through the week.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS MACY)

“CITIZEN, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING.” Splorp. It’s like ladling, only it’s like… it’s usually a rock.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, that’s good, yeah.

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Nice work, girls. I heard you talking about some centurion chucking?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I… don’t know how you heard that.

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

I shouldn’t tell you this, but I have a crate here of muffins that are so old, they’re like rocks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow.

CARTER (AS MACY)

You see, I told you you shouldn’t be afraid of bran muffins, because sometimes they can be used as weapons against people or robots that annoy us.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, well, that is a pretty good use for them.

SEAN (AS DRIVER)

Closing up the truck. All right, girls, stay safe.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

All right, take care.

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, wait a second. Was this the box of the bran muffins we’re serving to people? Or is this the box of the ones that—

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

Do you have those muffins yet?

CARTER (AS MACY)

Oh, uh, yes, sir! We’ve—

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

That box right there, get it on the line.

CARTER (AS MACY)

(to Darcy)

Is it this one?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just put it on. Put it on!

CARTER (AS MACY)

All right! Here we go. Muffins for all!

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

Nice work, Darcy. I see you got over your muffin thing. Finally!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you know, a little help from my friends, ha ha ha.

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

That’s sort of catchy. I don’t know why.

CARTER (AS MACY)

So it’s okay. I mean, how many muffins do we sell in a day, really? They’re bran muffins.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Nobody takes the bran muffins. They all want the choc—

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER)

(gasping and choking)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What’s wrong?

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

My teeth!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, my gosh!

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

My teeth are broken!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um, Miss Simpson, I’m going to take my break now!

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

Oh! Why?

I can’t talk. I can’t make a “hee” sound anymore. My heeth are gone.

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER)

What happened to your teeth?

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

I can’t say “heeth!” I can’t say “heeth!”

CARTER (AS MACY)

Can I ladle something for you? Would you like me to ladle something?

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

Can you ladle into my mouth? I can’t say “heeth”…

CARTER (AS MACY)

Uh…

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

My heeth broke, but it’s okay—

CARTER (AS MACY)

It’s usually on a tray, but if you open—there you go.

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER)

Wait, that looks like it’s steaming hot!

MIKE (AS CUSTOMER)

Aaaaaaaa!

CARTER (AS MACY)

This is my worst day here! I just wanted to throw things at centurions! Darcy?! Darcy?!

SNOWBALL’S CAVE

Mysterious music, with the soft chimes of Loxsyn’s theme.

SEAN

We return to the cave.

Everything is frozen, and the gentle musical tones are slowly diminishing.

And Loxsyn’s finger reaches your forehead, and suddenly and unexpectedly, you see the location of the next key.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers with your Game Master, Sean Howard, and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie, and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Steven Smith. Supporting producers: Becky Arenivar and Ren.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at otherbothers.com.

OUTTAKE: MEET THE PARENTS

Hysterical giggling.

MARISA

Okay, my parents are now my new favourite characters in the whole show.

Laughter.

SEAN

Okay, so what was the—

MARISA

I could just see the terror in Mike’s eyes! “What’s my name?”

MIKE

“What’s your name, folks?” “Uhhhhh…”

SEAN (AS CHARACTER)

I had to ask the name after you couldn’t remember your husband’s name five seconds after I introduced him.