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57: World Famous

Darcy looks for answers, while Blat scrambles to keep the show going – and Eggerton is given a terrible task.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Marisa King, Carter Siddall and Michael Howie
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Electric shocks, overzealous security, panic, pain, explosions and questionable accents.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

CARTER (AS YOUNG JOEY)

Mr. Wisney, how did you know my name?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I know everyone’s name, Joey!

SEAN (AS SUPERVISOR)

(over a speaker)

Order of veggie burger with pleather cheese.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, okay. Wait. Eggerton, get out of the chute!

Zapping sounds.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(screams)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m so happy that we’re here, even though it’s starting to feel like we’re never gonna leave.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I seem to be working at the bottom of the heap, and you seem to be on top of the heap.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Two great things have happened. First, I found myself in a new career…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(into his phone)

Louie! Baby! How are ya?

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

(over the phone)

Heyyy!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Also, no one’s trying to kill us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s funny ’cause I kinda feel the other way?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh my lord, it’s the Commissioner.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The Commissioner?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(terrified)

Hello, sir!

SEAN (AS THE COMMISSIONER)

Ahhh! Hello!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We have an agreement with the park that we’re gonna stay here.

SEAN (AS THE COMMISSIONER)

So if you would just show me those permits, we’ll just move right along.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you looking for a bribe?!

SEAN (AS THE COMMISSIONER)

Oh! No!

SEAN

You step outside Karma Burger, and you see Darcy… but dressed really strange.

A car door slams.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What is this place?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This… is the set for Shock Kitchen!

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I don’t know what “Shock Kitchen!” is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I did not think that you would be the one to pull this diva crap.

Snowball roars, sending panicking passengers fleeing the little tourist train.

SEAN (AS SNOWBALL)

I need you to drive the train for this very important VIP.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

You’re‑a the star of Shock Kitchen!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Take me to the end of the line.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

We go to the end of the line!

Train whistle.

THE TRAIN

SEAN

There’s a small tourist train moving through the central park of this unusual world inside Earthland.

And the conductor is on the radio calling out the sights, but there’s only one person on the train… and she has a very familiar and determined look on her face.

The train whistle blows again.

MARISA (AS ORIGINAL DARCY)

I really don’t need you to tell me everything we’re seeing. It’s not important to me.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

(terrible Italian accent)

No, this is important!

So over there, we’ve got‑a the Chinaland, and over there, we got‑a the Indialand…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know what that means. I don’t know—

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Over there, we got‑a the Franceland. Over there, though, that is my favourite place! That’s where we got the Italyland. Now they say that in the Italyland, there are a lot of cultural stereotypes, but don’t‑a you believe it! It’s all very well thought out.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know any of these places you’re talking about, and I don’t have time to visit. Can you make this thing go any faster? It’s really slow.

SEAN (AS ANOTHER PASSENGER)

(from outside)

Oh! Hold the train! Wait, wait, hold the train!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no! Don’t hold the train!

The driver brakes and brings the train to an abrupt stop.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Oh! Someone wants to see the cultural stereotypes. I have to stop.

And how can I help you, madam?

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

Oh, I have a ticket.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

You have‑a the ticket?

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

And it’s dated today, so I have to let you in.

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

Oh, okay, thank you!

The whistle sounds and the train resumes its journey.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Now which‑a cultural stereotype are you looking to see?

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

No, I don’t want to see any cultural stereotypes.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Oh, you are on the wrong train, lady.

MIKE

(laughs)

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

And here we go!

Over there, we got you the Americaland. Over there, we got you the Canadaland. A lot of things happen in the Americaland, but you feel a lot safer in the Canadaland, so it’s up to you which you want.

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but notice… Are you Darcy from Shock Kitchen?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(resigned)

Yes, that’s me.

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

I’m sorry, you probably want to be left alone. You’re not—I know…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s all right. I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just—

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

Oh good, I’m gonna come here and sit with you!

Do you mind, oh, here, I don’t have… I have a Sharpie, can you sign my arm?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, okay, here you go.

SEAN (AS PASSENGER)

Can you say, “To Veronica?”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, okay, here—“Veronica”.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

And then something nice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…“Have a good life Veronica.”

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Thank you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re welcome.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

It looks amazing! Oh, it’s upside down for me, but that’s okay, I’ll look at it in a mirror.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Exactly, I’m glad you like the show. I guess.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, I don’t like the show at all.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Why do you want to get my autograph then?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

‘Cause I like you, and you don’t like the show, and I just think it’s so amazing that there’s… you know, it’s like you’re shining a light on just how made-up everything is and ridiculous this whole place is!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow, I can’t believe that I’ve met someone who actually gets it.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, yeah! Well, I work here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, really? Well, you know, maybe you could tell me where “here” is, and I don’t mean Earthland, I mean, when you come to work at Earthland, where do you come from?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, I never leave the property.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Yeah. Um.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You just live here?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do all the employees live here?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

I think so? Well, maybe not the executives, but… I sort of stole a ticket from someone else, don’t tell the driver.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I—

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Someone threw it away.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I wouldn’t tell him anything, don’t worry.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

It’s from today, but you can see it’s been stamped, but he didn’t seem to notice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s fine, I’m not gonna rat you out.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, thanks, I just have a real hard time with, you know, breaking rules.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, I have a friend like that.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, it’s probably why I work in accounting.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, really? You work in accounting?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, yeah, you know, gotta make everything right to the penny!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, I guess this park’s doing pretty well, huh?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Yeah. Oh! This is my favourite part of this ride. Here, this is when he tells the spooky part.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Now, over here, we got‑a the Australialand.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh!

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

And over here, we got the teeny, tiny little New Zealandland. Oh, but don’t tell the people from the New Zealandland that they sound like the people from the Australialand. ‘Cause, oh, they get all offended. Terrible! And then you’ve accidentally made… a cultural misappropriation.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

(gasps)

No!

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Okay, so what other funny clichés can we see? Uh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think your tour needs some work. I mean, don’t you have anything but “lands” around here? And we go by them so quickly, it feels like you must only have like one person per land.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

All right, well, I’ll show you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! No…

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

We’re going to go over to Antarcticaland, where there’s no people whatsoever! Here we go!

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh! I’ve always wanted to see Antarcticaland.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t want to see Antarcticaland, unless it’s near the end of the line!

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

There is no end of the line. We just keep going around and around in a loopity-loop! I sleep in the back.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Son of a Loxsyn!

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Yeah, it just goes around the whole park.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?! There’s gotta be a way out of this park!

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Well, there is. The main gates where all the customers come in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, well, how do I get to the main gates?

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh, well, we just have to go back around. It’s near Italyland.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So I have to go back around. With this guy. Telling us about everything I’ve already seen.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Yeah. Well, you can walk, but it’s a big park.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs heavily)

That’s fine.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

Japanaland and the Koreanaland and the Vietnamanaland.

Vietnamina… Vietnamanala… Vietna… and the other place!

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Oh boy.

Theme music plays—styled after the theme to The Prisoner.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie and Carter Siddall.

Episode 57: World Famous.

ON SET

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

Oh, there you are, Blat! Sorry, we’re having a small problem with Darcy in makeup.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. I don’t understand how we can film 70 episodes and everything goes smoothly and now suddenly everything’s falling apart!

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

Oh yeah. And we’ve lost Eggerton.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ve lost… have you checked the chute?

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

Yes, we’ve checked the chute.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Well, I’m out of ideas.

All right, I’ll go talk to Darcy. See if he’s stuck on a ceiling fan or something.

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

Oh, that’s good. I’ll check the ceiling fans.

Blat enters a dressing room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy? Is there a problem?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Yeah, there’s a big problem. I don’t know why I’m here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(patiently)

You’re here to make things in the Karma Burger kitchen and get shocked occasionally for the amusement of our young viewers.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What are you even talking about?! I was running the cafeteria the last time I remember anything, and I was talking to some customer who wanted the soup and then suddenly I find myself arriving at a car to this strange place? It’s like someone drugged me or something. I have no idea where I am.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So… you remember working in the museum in Balgomar.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Yes! You know it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, of course I know it. We’re both from Balgomar.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Well, how can you be from Balgomar? This obviously is not Balgomar.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is not Balgomar that we’re in. We’re just two individuals who are from Balgomar. So you say…? You don’t remember anything.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Well, no, I do remember things. I don’t remember getting here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Does your head hurt?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Yeah, it does a little bit, actually, now that you say that…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ve been hit on the head… and now you don’t remember anything…

And I’ve just come up with the entire story line for season three!

Blat bursts out of the dressing room again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, everyone! We’re doing a complete rewrite! The dramatic foil has amnesia and is now forced to work in the kitchen despite complete memory loss. Will she get shocked more often? More than likely. Will our young viewers like that? Probably, they’re very cruel for some reason. Okay?

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

Does that mean we don’t need to keep looking for Eggerton?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um… He might have hit his head. If we’ve got both cast members with amnesia, I think that’s really something we can play up in sweeps.

Everyone, look for Eggerton and… if you happen to hit him on the head, I won’t be that upset about it—

(clapping to speed everyone along)

Okay, everyone! Looking for our star! Looking for our star!

SEAN

(to Mike)

Where’s Eggerton?

ANTARCTICALAND

A cold wind whistles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(shivering)

Okay, I‑I understand that you’re comfortable. I just think that it’s a little chilly over here and I don’t really understand why.

CARTER AND SEAN (AS PENGUINS)

(irritable honking)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know. You’re penguins! And that’s cool with you. But I’m not a penguin even though I kind of look like one ’cause I’m trying to be one to fit in and feel more warm, but it’s not really working right now. So I—

CARTER (AS A PENGUIN)

(honks)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I understand that, Cletus. So if we could please just find a way to get me maybe out of Antarctica—I don’t know really how I got here, I was just going through the chute again as per usual and then I kind of tripped on something and tumbled and tumbled and then fell into a cart that…

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(sharp honk)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey! You know what? I’m tired of the attitude.

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(assertive honking)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey! Hey! Ow. Okay, fine. You know what? You can just have the leftover fairy fries that I brought with me—

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(aggressive honking, scarfs down the fries)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Whoa! Whoa. You just ate all those in one bite. You should leave some for your friends… and I will just try and find my way out of this place and—

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(belches)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh my, I guess they were tasty fairy fries. There’s still a fairy cheeseburger in here…

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(squawks)

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

(Boston accent)

Hey! Buddy! What are you doing in there with the penguins?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What—well, I’m not… I just, I was trying to…

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

You’re not supposed to be with the penguins!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know! I’m trying to get out—

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Get out from the penguins! Look at them, they’re not happy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know! They’re starting to flap their little wings at me and—

CARTER (AS A PENGUIN)

(honks)

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

That means they’re not happy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know, but how do I get out?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

You come over—come over here, this way…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Over there?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

This way. Yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then just over…

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Through the gate, that’s right, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s a gate? Oh, look at that, it opens so easily.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

So easily. That must’ve been how you got in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, well no—yes, that’s how I got in.

So anyway, I’m looking for my friend, Darcy. She was supposed to show up to help out and she didn’t.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Aren’t you on that crazy show that they put everywhere now?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the shock collar show!

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

I mean, you’re an idiot on that. I mean…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you know, we try and entertain everybody, so we put up a bit of a facade…

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

But they’re entertaining by making you look like an idiot! Do you like that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think they’re making me look like an idiot. I think they’re making me…

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

No, you make yourself look like an idiot, you’re right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, no, not an idiot. I think more like I’m just showing people alternative ways to be, and they enjoy that.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Yeah, but I just think you’re degrading yourself, you know? Because you keep getting stuck in some kind of chute, and that’s idiotic…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I mean, they gave me a little step stool so I could get in and push stuff through, but then I keep tipping in because I’m a little top heavy.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

But… you shouldn’t play their game! It’s like they’re setting you up for something, making you, you know, they’re all gonna laugh at you with something, you don’t want that!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I do like it when people laugh with me.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

With you… I don’t think they’re laughing with you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You don’t think they’re laughing with you?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

No, no, I really don’t think they’re laughing with you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You mean they’re being mean?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

I think they’re being mean!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

It’s like my penguins here. Sometimes—sometimes—these little brats come along and they throw things at the penguins! Well, they’re not laughing with my penguins, they’re laughing at them! And I tell those little brats to get out of here ’cause that’s not right, is it?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s not right to throw things at penguins!

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

No, it’s not. They don’t like it, you see? They get kind of shirty if you’ve noticed.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Shirty?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Well, I mean, they don’t have shirts, but they get… anyway, never mind.

The train whistle sounds in the distance.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But how do I get back to my friends though, now that I’ve come through the penguin—

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Okay, I don’t know where your friends are, but that train coming, it keeps going around the park and it’ll take you to all the lands that you need to get to.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

And I think in the studio that you film your stupid thing in is, I’m not sure, is it near Italyland or something?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s the Karma Burger.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Oh, the Karma Burger, right in the centre, right in the centre of the park, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s the centre of the park?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Interesting fact.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Yeah, so you gotta take that back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Take the train to the centre.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

That’s right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

To the centre of the park.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Centre of the park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(imitating her accent)

The “pahk”?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Yeah, the park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Park.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

The park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The pahk…

The whistle sounds again.

CARTER (AS TRAIN DRIVER)

(over the loudspeaker)

I’m‑a sorry to disappoint you! I said there were no people in the Antarcticaland. I see two people in the Antarcticaland! I am very, very apologetic.

MARISA (AS ORIGINAL DARCY)

(from the train)

Eggerton, is that you?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you doing?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I was just hanging out with the penguins! They’re not very… they’re “shirty”.

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

Is that the person? That’s Eggerton from the show!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, yeah, well, maybe you should get on this train. I’m going around in a circle!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay, yeah, circles are fun!

Okay, well, look, have fun with your shirty penguins…

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And thank you so much for helping me out of the penguin land.

SEAN (AS A PENGUIN)

(honks)

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

And don’t let them take advantage of you!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No. No.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

You gotta tell them what’s what. Tell them you wanna do things right and look proper and smart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I wanna do things right. And look proper and smaht.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right.

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Okay, I’ll see you later. Now don’t bug the penguins unless you ask me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I… I ask you before I bug the penguins?

MARISA (AS THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

Well, I don’t want you bugging them, but you can visit them ’cause I kinda like you, you know. My name’s Rita.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You like me or they like me?

MARISA (AS RITA THE PENGUIN KEEPER)

I like you. You seem like a nice guy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, thanks—was it Rita?

MARISA (AS RITA)

Rita, Rita.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Rita.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Rita takes care of the penguins. You’ll remember that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Penguin Rita.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Penguin… Okay, you can call me that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, thanks Penguin Rita—

The whistle sounds one more time and the train departs.

SEAN (AS VERONICA)

Well, that’s too bad that we just drove right past them!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, look, we missed the train! Rita, I was just having so much fun—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(shouts)

Eggerton!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I guess you can just tell me some more penguin facts until the train comes around, Rita.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Oh, no, I got a lot of work to do, but you can sit over there on that bench and the train will come around again in about, I don’t know, an hour, an hour and a half maybe?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, just tell me the story of how you found these penguins.

MARISA (AS RITA)

How I found them? They were—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I mean, clearly they got here somehow.

MARISA (AS RITA)

They were here when I got here! I was hired to take care of these penguins. They were already here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So you don’t know anything about the penguins that you were supposed to take care of. You say you care about these penguins and you don’t know their stories?

MARISA (AS RITA)

Well, no, I mean, they’re given to me and I care for—hey, listen. You’re trying to make me part of your idiotic show, aren’t you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No!

MARISA (AS RITA)

You’re twisting words and things.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, not at all. Not at all.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Are we being filmed?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think so.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Is this part of your show?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is there a filming crew in here?

MARISA (AS RITA)

I don’t know, is there?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t see one.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Did you put a camera on my penguin?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, did you?

MARISA (AS RITA)

I did not, I don’t do that sort of thing, but you’re kind of suspicious now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, neither do I! Why are you—no, I’m not suspicious, you’re, you’re the one who’s refusing to tell me anything about the penguins you supposedly monitor.

MARISA (AS RITA)

What do you want to know about them?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I want to know about their names, their backstories, their interests, their wants, their hopes, their dreams. What are their families like? What schools do they go to? What was the name of their municipalities? What is their preferred type of evergreen tree? There’s all kinds of things I want to know.

A small security cart drives up, emergency horn blaring, and skids to a stop.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Oh, the cold’s getting to you, that’s for sure. You should sit down.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ll just—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Security. Did someone ring the buzzer?

MARISA (AS RITA)

I did… I mean, I don’t think he’s really that much of a danger, but this guy, this fella was in with the penguins, made me nervous.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi!

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Wait, wait, in the pen?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why, what—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

That’s, what is that? Joseph, is that 1.37-dash‑5?

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Subsection K.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oh, that’s not good.

MARISA (AS RITA)

No, I don’t think we need to bring up the K. You don’t need to bring up Subsection K!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Subsection… what’s Subsection K? Are you gonna—

The guard powers up a taser.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I’m gonna tase him. Subsection K.

MARISA (AS RITA)

No! You don’t need to—

The guard fires. Prongs stick into Eggerton and zap him thoroughly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Blaaaagh!

Eggerton falls over.

ON SET

Anxious whispers among the crew.

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

(winded)

Blat! We’ve searched everywhere, we can’t find… we can’t find Eggerton. I even went up on the roof. Because, you know, sometimes he gets stuck up in the pipes. And now, the problem is, Darcy won’t let anyone into makeup.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What?! But we need Darcy now to play two different roles! She has to be both the dramatic foil and the stupid one that she’s the dramatic foil to!

SEAN (AS LOUISE)

It’s worse than that. She’s got the makeup artist in there and she said… she said if we don’t listen to her demands, she’s gonna do something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You know, you think you know someone and you just give them a little bit of fame and they just go completely diva on ya.

All right, let me see if I can take care of this.

Blat knocks on the dressing room door.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gently)

Darcy?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

(growls, from the other side of the door)

What do you want?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy, it’s Blat…

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I only wanna hear from someone who could help me and answer my question.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, Darcy, I think you know that I’m a junior executive, so I should be able to help you with whatever problem you have.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know anything about this place.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy… would someone else who’s from Balgomar lie to you?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I don’t know. Somebody else did. That’s why I guess I’m in this weird place.

Is this like a prison? Have I been put in some kind of prison that you make it seem like it’s not a prison so that we’ll all be happy and not fight back? Is that what’s going on here?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do people try to put makeup on you in prison?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They, they don’t do that in prison.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

If you’re from Balgomar, then you must understand that this is crazy that I was just running and managing the cafeteria at the museum. I had all these people reporting to me, and now suddenly I’m here reporting to you on some kind of weird show?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Darcy, we’ve known each other a long time.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

No, we haven’t.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And what I know about your time in Balgomar is that you were sloppin’ food into plastic trays.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Excuse me, I don’t slop anything. I tell other people to slop.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You were ladling things into plastic trays, and now…

You’re in a different place, sure. You don’t know what it’s about, fine. But you are one of the two stars of one of the top-rated reality shows for ages five to eight that’s shown during the six to eight a.m. block.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And that’s saying something.

The security cart screeches to a halt outside.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

No, I wanna talk to Mr. Sootweather. James Sootweather! Get him here. I wanna talk to him.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Security. Can we help?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No—fellas, this isn’t a Subsection K situation.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

(on alert)

Did you say Subsection K?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I did not say Subsection K.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

‘Cause I did the last tase. That means you get to do the next tase.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Aw, finally, I get to tase.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, fellas, fellas, fellas, no tasing, no tasing. I’ve just got a little small problem with the talent. We just have to… you know what you fellas can do? You could try and find the other cast member of this show. The little short guy, the pipsqueak, Eggerton. We don’t know where he is.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oh, we got him in the car, tased.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Got him in the car, tased…? Oh, sweet Loxsyn.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I have to keep tasing him. I’ve never seen anything like it. He keeps just waking up.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, promise me the next time you do it that I get to watch.

All right! Darcy?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

(from behind the door)

Yes?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um… There’s no Mr. Sootweather here, because we’ve established you’re not in the museum.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Well, where am I?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re in a giant park!

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

This doesn’t make any sense!

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

(whispers)

Do you want us to break the door down? I’ve never done that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, don’t break the door down. You guys always want to break the door down—you’re just gonna have to give me a minute. I’m just gonna have to… I’m just gonna have to…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

We just never get a Subsection T.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Who does a Subsection T? The person’s gonna have to be completely on goofballs to allow for a Subsection T.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Yeah. And lock themselves in a room and have a hostage.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, is that what a Subsection T is?

Oh my Lord, we’re in a Subsection T.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What are you talking about out there?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh… nothing, nothing! Okay, fellas—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I’m going to the car and getting the kit!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(facepalms)

Oh Lord, there’s a kit… Okay, all right.

All right—Darcy?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Yes?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m gonna level with you. And it’s gonna sound weird.

You were brought out of Balgomar along with me and a third fella that they’ve got out here unconscious in a cart. And we travelled backwards in time a couple of times in order to find a dark forest called the Shattering. I believe we failed because… we’re not very good at our jobs. And through a… ha ha, interesting series of complications we have found ourselves in a different dimension where we’re now living in the amusement park where we’re living much better lives because this universe still exists.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

…You expect me to believe that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, um… you were high on goofballs, lost your memory and you’re still the star of a major television show. Which one would you rather?

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I just wanna know how I got here. Who are you?

The security guard rushes back in.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay, all right… Do you wanna read the instructions or do you wanna place the explosives?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh Lord, I don’t wanna do either… Give me that. All right.

(reading)

“Please remember: do not aim explosives at face.”

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Yeah, yeah, no, skip to the numbered instructions.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead… “This is a Wisney approved explosive…” Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Yeah, yeah…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, these appear to be in a different language. Skip back, skip back, skip back…

Um… Have you detached the prongs?

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Check!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, “Place prongs in door”…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Does it say where on door?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, near the top, it says.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Kay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You wanna blow the top hinge…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Sorry, whoever’s inside! We’re just figuring this out.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

This makeup artist and I are not leaving this room until I get some sensible answers!

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

(whispers)

Oh, this is so cool.

Okay, placed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. “Step at least 15 paces back”…

CARTER AND SEAN (AS BLAT AND THE GUARD)

One, two, three, four, five, six…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Ooof! Sorry, there’s a wall there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Where was I?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um… seven.

CARTER AND SEAN (AS BLAT AND THE GUARD)

Seven, eight, nine—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oof! Trash can!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, all right! Guys, just spread out a little! Spread out.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay. Where were we?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ten.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay.

CARTER AND SEAN (AS BLAT AND THE GUARD)

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so… “Make sure batteries are charged”? Well, you should have told us that at the beginning.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I don’t think, wait, I have, okay, yeah, I got another unit. Okay, yep, good. Green light. Check.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, good, good. Green light and… it says something here about making peace with your creator. Oh, that’s rather dark.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Pfft, yeah, whatever.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And then, uh… “Slowly squeeze trigger while depressing top button.”

Depressing, depress—I think they just mean ““press””? I don’t know why they use “depressing” there.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

What does that mean, press or press and release?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think it’s just press.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I’m still waiting! Theresa really wants to get back to using her makeup brushes! She’s getting upset!

MIKE (AS THERESA THE MAKEUP ARTIST)

Actually, I’m pretty okay with it. This happens pretty regularly.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

The section T. Yeah, you know what—this is new for the security guys and this producer, but as a makeup artist to Wisney stars, I’m pretty used to getting locked as a hostage while doing their makeup.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Theresa, you’re not helping me.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Well, I’m sorry!

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

I need you to be kind of scared. I need you to show some sort of fear.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh, scared? I’m not a performer like you. I’m just here to do makeup.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Yeah, but I need you as leverage. Do you see? I’m in a really difficult position here.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

I think I’m also in a difficult position in that I’m just trying to do my job and you’re holding me hostage, and now they’re gonna blow us apart, it sounds like.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What do you mean, blow—what are you talking about?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Well, they said they were gonna blow up the…

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

What…

(through the door)

Are you blowing us up?!

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Uh… Not yet!

Okay, now I don’t wanna do the press-depress, you know, ’cause I did the last tase. I just wanna check in that you’re okay.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oh, well… I’ve never done a Subsection T, so I’ll press and… How about this?

I’ll press. If it doesn’t work, then you can de-press.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay, all right, here, I’m gonna, here, here, we got this, you got that, okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so that’s the triggers, that’s that.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh, excuse me, guys? it’s Theresa inside the room.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I think we do have to talk to the hostage if the hostage wants to talk.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay, well, you got the button, so you should do the talking.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay, uhh… yes, hostage?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Yeah, I was in one of these last week and as it turns out, if you hold the controller upside down, it actually functions a bit better!

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oh, I see. So…

Blat and the guards have a hushed conversation outside. Meanwhile:

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Theresa, what are you doing to me?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Well, no, I just don’t want them to get carpal tunnel syndrome or something.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

But didn’t you get hurt?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Well, yeah, I mean, I got hurt, but when the healthcare costs go up, we all have to pay, Darcy.

The train whistle sounds outside.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Okay, Theresa, there’s a train going by underneath, outside the window. Can we open this window? I could get out that way.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh, yeah, or we could just use this door too.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Great! Okay, you can stay here.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Okay.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Get back to makeup art-ing. I’m going out this door.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Okay! Well, thanks so much for including me in your hostage-taking.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Well, thank you for being considerate. I appreciate it.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Well, no problem! I feel like we can always be a little considerate to each other, no matter the situation.

MARISA (AS OTHER DARCY)

Okay, I’ll see you later, bye.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Okay, bye!

Other Darcy shuts the door behind her. Meanwhile…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

All right, well, I’m gonna… press!

Click.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Nothing happened.

I think we need to depress.

I’m gonna put my hand on your hand and then—

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Oh, oh, oh.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Okay, I’m gonna let go when you—

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Guys, guys, no, let me take it. All right, and see what you really need to, I told you, you turn it upside down, because it makes the lever fall with gravity…

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Ohhh!

MIKE (AS THERESA)

And then you squeeze up like this. Watch, watch, see?

Click. The explosives detonate, shattering windows. Outside, a car alarm starts to squeal.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

See? That went off pretty easily.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

That is awesome. Who are you?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh, hi, I’m Theresa. I’m the makeup artist.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Aren’t you a hostage?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Yeah, yeah, I thought I’d come out though and show you. It sounded like you were having trouble still with getting the detonator to work because—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

It was actually really helpful.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Yeah, because the “depress”, right? Does that mean like “the press”?

Does it mean “saddened”?

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Yeah! Exactly, yeah.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Does it mean create like, a sad sensation while squeezing? It’s very unclear.

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Do we have to do the Subsection T paperwork?

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh yeah, no, that’s—

CARTER (AS SECURITY GUARD)

The hostage was out of the room before we blew the door open.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Ohh.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

It’s even worse than that. They did… they pulled the trigger.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Oh, I think that’s actually—

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

So that means they have to do the paperwork.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

Yeah, that’s a makeup artist’s code thing actually. It’s in part of our college.

So you see, we’re all governed by an elected body and they sort of dictate the rules for our profession and they have their own form for when you’re taken hostage, let the person who took you hostage out the back door, then go out and help the security team detonate the entrance.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

I didn’t follow most of that. Are you doing the paperwork or are we doing the paperwork?

MARISA (AS ORIGINAL DARCY)

Blat, Blat, what’s going on here? Why are you all standing around outside this door?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, this is a real sticky situation. It seems that Eggerton has been tased and is now on a cart outside. Meanwhile, Darcy has gone completely crazy and has sealed herself up in a room. So now we had to blow the door open to get her out.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about? I’m right here.

I just came back on the—I actually saw Eggerton in Antarcticaland. Just came back on the train. I’ve got some news for you that I want to share. But what, why, what are you talking about? Is there another Darcy?

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Wait, is that—that’s the hostage taker?!

MIKE (AS THERESA)

That’s her!

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Get the gun! Get the taser!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, wait, everybody—

The guard fires, Darcy goes down with a loud zapping sound.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Whulp!

…Ugh.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

Ha, I got her. She’s down.

…That’s a lot more paperwork.

MIKE (AS THERESA)

It’s always fun when our departments can work together.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

ELI

Hiya, it’s Eli here with the announcements this week. In fact, I’ve got a biggie coming up, but first, I will tell you that we are recording more Other Bothers this very weekend. I’m excited because I want to know what happens next, because nobody at the table does either.

I’d also like to say a great big thanks to our latest supporters over on Patreon, Felicia, Samantha Töpfer, and Dawna Drum. Thank you all so much for joining us.

And thanks also to the folks who have been supporting us for frickin’ years now, such as Angeleah Hoeppner—I hope I am getting the pronunciations on these, at least in the ballpark, as always—Matthew Miller, Jonathon Wehling, Stan Sitzman—yay!—Kit LeBlanc, John Lyons, Jacob Bouvier, Ginny Lee, Alysa Curtis, and Shelby Orr. Sending out our love and thanks to all of you. You rock.

And finally, you might know of our show Civilized. It’s a dark comedy sci-fi adventure that is also completely improvised. Sean is in it. And Kristi, whom you’ve heard here on Other Bothers playing Tekmar, she’s in it. And next month, we’re going to do it live!

The cast of Civilized will be performing at the Hamilton Fringe Festival here in Hamilton, Ontario. I’ll be there providing live sound design, and all the episodes are going to be recorded for the podcast. We’re doing eight dates here at the Staircase Studio Theatre over the course of the festival, which runs from July 20 through the 31st, 2022.

Check civilizedpod.com/fringe for details—that’s “Civilized” with a Z. civilizedpod.com/fringe.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: SHIPPING EPISODE

SEAN

(breathy voice)

Next on the Wisney Channel we bring you a special… shipping episode.

MIKE (AS A SHIPPING EMPLOYEE)

(low, sultry voice)

These days in this office are long. But when you’re here… I just feel like I can get through it.

(emotional)

Clipboard, you always have the manifest on you. And there’s that pen dangling off your side with a string. And then just every time I come in the office—

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

(over an intercom)

Mr. Eggerton! Mr. Eggerton?

MIKE

Oh, I’m doing Eggerton right now? That’s what I’m doing?

Laughter.

MARISA

Exactly.

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Mr. Eggerton? Are you there? You’ve got to press the button on the talkie.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON THE SHIPPING EMPLOYEE)

(his usual voice)

It’s funny how every time I push this button, it seems like my voice changes!

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Oh, yeah, sorry—I thought I heard someone with a deep voice. Do you have a customer in there, sir?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, no, no. I’m, ha ha, just having fun while I’m doing this paperwork.

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Okay, okay. Because you know I get paid by the customer that you see. And I just wanted to make sure.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, No, I’ll make sure I let you know if there’s a customer in here. Don’t worry.

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Okay, but there is a customer out here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. Well, why don’t—

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

I’m going to send them in.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, you send them in.

Click.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sultry voice)

Well, now that I’ve turned that button off…

The door opens

CARTER (AS A CUSTOMER)

Why, hello.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, oh, oh, hi there.

CARTER (AS A CUSTOMER)

I have a sexy voice as well.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

My goodness, you do.

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Are you doing Mr. Eggerton? I’m sending in Mr. Blat. Did I tell you his name is Mr. Blat, Eggerton?

Click.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(usual voice)

You didn’t tell me that was his name, but I can see him. He’s here now!

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

I’m sorry. I’ll let you go on this… shipping episode.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why, thank you.

Click.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sultry)

So is there something I can help you… move?

MARISA

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT THE CUSTOMER)

Why, yes, I do have something that I’d like you to… get a hold of.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Does it need to be shipped… transcontinentally?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why, yes, it does. I need you to export my… import.

Giggling.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s here in this box.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, my.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I want you to… send it somewhere.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’d love to, but you know the rules.

First… I have to unwrap this parcel so that security can have a good, long…

(starts giggling)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…look at it? I’m not bashful. You can bring in all the security people you want to have a look at it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They’ll wave their wands all over it and… swab it for explosive residue…

(wheezing with laughter)

SEAN (AS RECEPTIONIST)

Sir, do you need any manifest forms for shipping that box?

Mr. Eggerton, are you there?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ve got your forms right here.

SEAN

Scene!

Mike and Marisa in fits of nonstop giggling.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Be gentle. It’s my first time.

SEAN

This shipping episode goes out to Commander Ren, and you too can request special episodes like this if you go to patreon.com/albasalix and support us at any level. Join our Discord and let us know what mini bonus you want to see.

Music sting.

CAFE

SEAN

We’re at a cafe outside on the patio, and Blat is walking up to a table with a tray of coffees. In the background, Louise is on the phone, glancing every once in a while over in the direction and clearly being scolded and trying to handle a situation as Blat sets out the coffees in front of himself, Darcy, and Eggerton.

Darcy and Eggerton look a little worse for wear.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, so we’ve fallen behind four hours today—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sudden spasm)

Aack!

Sorry—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Four hours today…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yep, four hours…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Which means we owe the studio seven episodes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Seven episodes…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you lecturing us after having us tased?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ack!

Sorry, sorry.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I did not have you tased. You had each other tased.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think I had myself tased. I think the penguins are behind it!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How badly were you tased? Penguins?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The penguins, they talk! But the person who’s watching the penguins, Rita, who has a real weird voice, didn’t understand that the penguins were talking. So when I asked questions about the penguins, she didn’t understand what I was going on about—aaugh!

No, it’s okay. What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He’s worse than usual. Look what you’ve done to him.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

He’s worse than usual? You, you reverted back to old Darcy! You’re all like, “I work in a cafeteria. Oopsie, here’s a hostage!” What the heck happened to you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You were outside. You claimed to have no knowledge of anything that’s happened to us over the last few years. I thought you were just looking to, you know, re-up your contract into something higher. Not that we know what we’re getting paid now, but that’s a separate issue. But no, I think it was—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, Loxsyn, I know what’s going on here. Because I refuse to be on your stupid show, they’ve got some employee actor pretending to be me to put on your show so they can still have their money coming in! You must have had some kind of actor who was trying to be me but didn’t know how to be me, so then confused you, and now you’re completely off your rocker.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I would have liked that! That would have been preferable, because instead, I had a person come in who refused to do any acting, took a makeup person hostage, and then ran out a window!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Were they wearing a bad wig or something? Did they really look like me?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They looked like you pretty well. They sounded exactly like you. I couldn’t tell the difference, and I’ve been staring at you for years now!

Well, not staring, exac—I look at you a lot.

(rounding on Eggerton)

You were supposed to be in the tube.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aaack!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The Teamsters left you in the tube because it takes too long to pull you out of it in between takes!

SEAN

(phone ringing)

Doot doot do-do-do, doot doot doot!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I fell down—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s Louie again, just a minute—shut up, everybody—

(instantly schmoozing)

Louuuuie! What’s the good word, babe?

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Heyyy, hey, uh, boss. I got some bad news.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ohhh, not a good day for bad news, Louie. Not a good day.

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, well, we just got a little delay on the show. They’re going to shelve it for just a little while, I think.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shelve it?!

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Well, yeah, it’s a—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shelve it?!

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, it’s a little behind schedule, you know, boss?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re four hours behind! We haven’t even hit lunch yet! We can make up for it.

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

I’m sorry, boss, I…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ll film things in fast forward. We’ll make up the time immediately.

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

They’ve given me Death Chef.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Death Chef?!

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, it’s filling your slot now as of—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re moving over to Death Chef?!

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

…Yeah, boss.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Death Chef is just a rip off of our show, and you know it. Oh, sure….

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, but they’re killing people, boss! It’s got higher ratings. It’s—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What?

Uh, killing is almost as bad as shocking people! Is this—oh…

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, yeah, boss. I feel bad. I just—I can’t—I gotta do it…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s creatively bankrupt, Louie. The show is creatively bankrupt.

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Yeah, I hear you, boss. I can’t say no. I gotta go to this show. I need work, you know?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Look, I’m sure they’re going to take it off the shelf. You know? We’ll be back in no time. You call me. You got my number.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I… well, no, actually, I—

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

Oh, sorry, I got another call. I gotta go!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You always call me, Louie! I don’t have your number…!

Louie has already hung up.

Silence.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am an executive… without anyone to… exec…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Execute?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you.

(sighs)

We haven’t been paid.

We’re homeless.

And we need permits to live in a city park.

Ohhhh, things are looking bleak, but… the universe still exists.

The Shattering won’t get us here!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We don’t know that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I would presume that the Shattering might be able to follow us, I mean, like, Celene and Loxsyn and Morrigu all have…

A distant rumble of thunder.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was just trying to hold on to one tiny little scrap of happiness, and you had to take that away from me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m sorry, Blat. I mean, I don’t have any money or anything like that for you, but every time I got shocked, they gave me one of these tickets, and I’ve got like this big roll of it now. Here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Train ticket, train ticket, train ticket, train ticket, train ticket… They’re just paying you in train tickets?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, they asked me which one I want, and they said, do you want the ticket out, or do you want the ticket that just takes you around and shows you everything? And I kept saying, well, I want to see everything!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You got tickets out?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, I got the tickets that take us around the park so we can see everything.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They offered you tickets out, though?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, but you see, these are the tickets that let you see the whole Earth in just one revolution of the train. Isn’t that amazing?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ve seen it. It’s not that great.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I only saw a part of it. I mean, I got to Antarctica, and then I missed the train. But you know, I’d still like to go around a couple of times and maybe check out, you know, Canadaland. That place sounds nice.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We need to get out of here. And there was someone on the train that told me there’s a gate, the gate where the visitors leave! We’ve got to get out that gate. And it’s near here, I think right near Italyland.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Italyland.

Well… I could eat.

SEAN

And Eggerton disappears in a puff of black vortex.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Well, this seems familiar.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I just wanted to work a job for even a week where we wouldn’t have to worry about the Shattering!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I understand, but I think the job you were working was pretty bizarre.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

People listened to me… Sort of?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we listen to you. I mean, I do.

So what do you think is going on here with Eggerton?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, one of two things have happened. Either the Shattering is able to track us down to a separate dimension, or—and this is crazy…

Something dark and nefarious is happening within the Wisney Corporation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sarcastic)

What? Impossible.

BOARDROOM

SEAN

Eggerton, you appear in a beautiful, stunning conference room. All glass windows along all three sides and a beautiful golden door on the remaining wall. It is about 70 feet deep with a table that just goes and goes that was clearly handcrafted, mahogany, or something crazy, and all these beautiful chairs. And you’re alone in this room.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, when I’m alone in a room, I like to table surf. So I’m going to check out this table, because it seems interesting.

MIKE

What can I see out the window?

SEAN

Out the window, there’s a mix of buildings as if each one has been taken out of time. You see what might be a great pyramid. And then you see skyscrapers from Balgomar time. And you see rows of houses. And you see horse-drawn carriages far, far below. And then you see a flying car.

It is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. And you almost feel like you’re high enough up for there to be clouds.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Huh!

SEAN

And the door opens… and in comes a very familiar salesman.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

You?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Ja! How are you doing, my little friend?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

How did you get here?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I could go anywhere I please. I don’t know if you remember this about me, but I make portals!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know you make portals, but I thought you were done with making portals.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Well, the secret is, you got to find one thing that you do well, and you keep doing it.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

And he does it very well!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Ah, I see we have reunited. Remember me, I hope, little Eggerton? My name is Derek von Frompton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s familiar…

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, yes…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, wait, wait, wait. No, wait, don’t tell me.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

I just—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You were on Death Chef, right? You were Season 1, Episode 2 of Death Chef! You’re the guy that got up there and took the knife and killed the other chef and then hid in their body when it was recovered to get out!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course, yes.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I wasn’t a fan of Death Chef. I find it derivative.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Thank you very much. But that is not what I’m most known for. What I’m most known for is ruling the world!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I think you might have been on an episode of Little House on the Bayou.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Oh, you saw that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, yeah, and you had a funny accent. It was good

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Oh yes, thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

—but it wasn’t like, oh, that’s definitely this guy’s natural accent.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I find accents that are funny to be very amusing!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I just—I’ve never been good at doing accents.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

I thought it just fit, you know. I thought it just fit the moment.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was an excellent choice, excellent choice.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

But that’s not why we’re here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, of course.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

We’re here because you have agreed to help us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I… I did?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

And you will see that our dear friend here, who is co-emperor of the future—

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am co-emperor of the future.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Ha ha, and you, dear Eggerton, agreed to help us with an elevator pitch. Did you not?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I said I would help the Shattering with an—

(gasps loudly)

No!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, so what would you need—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look, you can see my old apartment from here!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, we’ve had it brought forward just for you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s so cool.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Oh, yes. Most of the people in there are alive…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is my garden still there?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I mean, yes, of course it is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s a lot of earthworms and birds…

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Someone check on the garden. Okay.

Right, so what would you need for supplies to assist us?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Supplies for what?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Helping us come up with that elevator pitch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What elevator?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

You agreed to help us with an elevator pitch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I agreed to help the Shattering with an elevator pitch—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, so let me introduce you…

SEAN

And there’s suddenly blackness across all the windows.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

…to the Shattering.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

…Hi?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

He does this a lot. It is dramatic at first, but then it just gets a little boring.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(a deep, echoing whisper)

Sorry, I can’t help myself.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I feel like maybe you could. Could you take a corpireal… Can you take a corpu… Can you take a physical form other than a cloud?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Very well.

SEAN

There’s a figure dressed in a total black suit, black hair, and dark black eyes that are—you can tell they’re eyes because they’re almost a deeper black.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s unsettling.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I did as you asked.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, not—I guess you did, but you didn’t really try, did you? You just went from big black cloud to like super—

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

You agreed to help us with an elevator pitch. I believe the co-emperor asked you if you needed any supplies.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

I did indeed. Can we get you anything? Supplies that you would need?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is the Shattering co-emperor too—Is it a three-way co-emperor situation? What’s the hierarchy?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

It is not a three-way. There are two co-emperors.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Two co-emperors, and then the Shatter—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

What supplies do you need?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, first I’m going to need a whiteboard to figure out exactly how this system works.

Derek von Frompton snaps his fingers.

SEAN

There’s a whiteboard.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooo, look at that! Okay, now I’m going to need some markers—

Snap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s a lot of markers, but what about the smelly ones?

Snap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I remember there was one, though, as a kid, and it was kind of an orangey—

Snap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s nice, but it was a little bit—

Snap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh-huh. And then it had a drop of—

Snap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wow, how did you do that? Now, I wonder, what if—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Aw. That was fun.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Uh-huh. Wasn’t it?

Now, is there anything else you require to do what you agreed to?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, yeah, so is the Shattering adjacent Co-Emperor, or is it like divisional? Is there a different jurisdiction of responsibility? Is it vertical integration?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

I hope I don’t need to point out… The Fae Code!

The grinding bass note of the Shattering.

SEAN

You are doubled over by pain, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

You gave your word as a fae.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

All fae will feel what you are feeling now, if you do not honour your word.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No! Why?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Because you gave your word.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I mostly said I’d help with an elevator pitch.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Perfect. Now, we wish to have an elevator pitch… that will kill.

A dramatic organ chord.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(straining)

I don’t think that elevator pitches are capable of that!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Well, you’d better get going on that, then.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But it’s just a way of organizing information to make it more accessible and a quick exercise…

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes. And it needs to kill… the audience.

Dramatic organ chord.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But it can’t, because it’s just words! Words, while they have power over others through social and cultural importance, they don’t actually have any physical form to cause harm!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Then you will die, and so will all the fae, because you gave your bond, little fae.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I could still give you an elevator pitch! I just can’t make it kill!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Well—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The specificity is going to kill me!

Why are you being so specific?!

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Also, every morning, I am responsible for getting a box of cronuts, which is like a doughnut and a croissant together.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(still straining)

…Can I get one with strawberries?

ITALYLAND

Sentimental Italian-style street music.

SEAN

Night has set. Lanterns are being lit, and we are outside Veniceville in Italyland at a tiny, cute little restaurant.

And inside, Blat is ordering, and Darcy does not look pleased.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fettu-chye-nye?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

(occasionally Italian accent)

Fettuccine, sir.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fettuccine.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

It is‑a—mwah! mwah!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s… it’s “kissing sound”. Okay, that’s good.

Okay. And las—las—lasnag… las-na-ga.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Lasna…? Ah, lasagna! Ha ha.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Lasagna—kissing face?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Not as—it is good. It is not the fettuccine, though—mwah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no? Fettuccine, there—okay. Well, then we should definitely stick with the first one. And let’s see…

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

And for you, madame—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just bring us some bread.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yes. I will—I will start with the bread. Should I get you a wine?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No wine, just water.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

(sighs)

Very well. I’ll get you a water and bread.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I feel guilty. We’re sitting here ordering fancy food, and something could be happening to Eggerton. Shouldn’t we do something?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, what should we do?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we gotta figure out what happened. If it’s the Shattering, there’s got to be some kind of trace of it around here. And if it’s not, well, surely someone must know something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

About someone who just disappeared in a puff of black smoke?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t know. I just feel like we should do something. It’s wrong just sitting here stuffing our faces!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

The bread.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, good. The bread. The bread. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you very much.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Would you like sparkling water?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Of course not. Table water it is. Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, and I’m sorry… Spog—spog—

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Spaghetti.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Spa… ghetti.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is that as much of the kissy face?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No. All right. The first one then. The first one for both.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Good choice. And for you, madame?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t—I’ll just stick with the bread.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Just the bread.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, you got it. You got it.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

(drops the accent and shouts to the kitchen)

One fettuccine and one cheap table!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

(doing the accent)

Thank you for shouting the order to me!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Just go and cook it, okay?

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

I just want to have an opinion! I feel left out!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Look, I’m‑a running the front of the house! You do the kitchen!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

I’m doing the kitchen. I just can’t do the accent, but I wanted to participate!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They all sound like the train conductor. It’s weird.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s something about clichés. But if you’re not aware of the cliché, then you don’t know it’s a cliché.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. That’s good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I mean, if anybody had actually heard of this “Italyland”, maybe they’d be offended, but pfffft. What the heck is that? It’s not an important place like Balgomar.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Anyway, we have to figure out what’s going on.

Do you think, like Eggerton said, the Shattering could have actually followed us here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I don’t see how that’s possible. It might have something to do with the fact that he’s a key.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s true. He is a key.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And we know that there’s other keys. So if we knew what a second key was, maybe then we’d have an idea as to how to track him down.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t know what the other key is. But I did have something in my head that seemed to be guiding me there. But all I could see was water and sand… and there was a really large tree nearby.

But I don’t know what any of that means. I mean, that could be anywhere.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, hold on a second.

Um… Sir? Sir? Fettuccine-fetcher? Sir?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

(sighs)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My friend and I would like to—

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Order some wine or an appetizer, maybe?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Actually, we were thinking of going somewhere after we eat. Is there a place here in the park that perhaps has sand and water and a tree nearby?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Uh… yes, in the central park. There is a beach with a big tree in the centre on a little island.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Near where the Karma Burger is?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yeah, yeah, yeah—why?

Are you‑a going to go to Karma Burger?! I’m‑a making you food!

A shouting match erupts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no, no, no, no!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Don’t‑a say the Karma Burger!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yeah, they gonna leave!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no, no, we’re not leaving! No! We can stay.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

This is a good establishment! We work‑a hard! We put the pasta from the package into the water!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Look at the hands! We speaking with the hands!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re going to stay here. Trust us. We’ve eaten a lot of Karma Burger lately. We’re not going to the Karma Burger.

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Don’t say those words in our restaurant

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yes, okay, go back and get the—

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

I go get the package.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Get the—pour the sauce on from the bottle.

Calm returns.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so maybe we’ve lucked out. This place could be nearby.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But we would have—it’s right by the Karma Burger! We’re all living there. We would have seen this place by now.

I didn’t see anywhere that triggered my vision that looked like it. I mean, we could try. But why would it be here? Why would the second key be here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Maybe the second key has always been here… and because we’re part of this, we somehow got brought here by Eggerton, who is the first key.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(gasps)

That’s the first thing you’ve said that actually makes sense.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, actually, I think a lot of the pitches that I made for Shock Kitchen made a lot of sense. But yes, thank you. I think this makes sense too.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, the first key would lead to the second key!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And et cetera, and et cetera, and et cetera. Okay! We just—

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Your fettuccine, sir.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, thank you very…

Noodles?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yes, it is‑a fettuccine. I brought the second fork for the lady.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I’m good. Thank you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(lowers his voice)

Did you know this was going to be noodles?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I didn’t have any idea.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I had no idea this was going to be noodles.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Your first‑a time Italian food? It is a specialty of Italy.

(silence)

Eat the freaking fettuccine!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, ha ha, we’ll eat the fettuccine, thank you very much, not going back to Karma Burger.

(to Darcy)

So people actually like this stuff?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I guess so.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is popular?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I guess.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

People come here, and they eat this.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I miss our food.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, boy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s been a long time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Give me some half-demonic cuisine every time. Maybe they can blacken this or something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, they probably could.

Whoosh.

SEAN

And that’s when Darcy and Blat disappear in a puff of black void smoke.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Ah! Look at that! They skipped out! They didn’t even eat your—

(drops his accent)

I don’t know why I’m keeping the accent.

They didn’t even touch it!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

(drops his accent)

Steve, stop blaming me, man. All right?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Well, maybe if you didn’t pour it out of a bottle all the time and you actually made real pasta…!

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

They provide the bottles! We don’t have any ownership here! You signed the same contract I did.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yeah, well, don’t you think you could just do a little creativity back there? They were our first customers in weeks.

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

You remember what happened to Teddy when he tried to take control of the creativity?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Oh, oh, oh, bring up Teddy. Everyone talks about Teddy.

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Because he disappeared!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

So because Teddy had a problem, you’re just going to schlep your way through life like you always have.

The door opens.

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Okay, wait, wait, wait—customers!

The Italian music winds down and stops.

MARISA (AS MANAGER)

Hey. Guys. Guys, calm down. Calm down. I know you’ve had a rough day, but you’re needed over in the Germanyland restaurant now. So get your other outfits and check your accents.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

(grumbling)

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

So that’s the…

(terrible English accent)

Morning, guvnah!

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Uh… sneicker, snicker, gehti…?

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

No, I skipped that day of the training.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Just, just go with it.

Bratvurst! Um…

MARISA (AS MANAGER)

Okay, hurry up. Just get over there. They need you.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

All right, here. You gotta take the shoes off…

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

The shoes are off. What are these? Are these the wooden shoes?

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Yeah, the cloggy ones. Okay, here we go.

MIKE (AS THE COOK)

Put those on… A lot of green. I like green.

CARTER (AS GERMANYLAND MANAGER)

And… oompa-pah music! Big smiles!

Music starts up again—the same melody, but played by a small oompah band.

SEAN (AS THE WAITER)

Oompa-pah, oompa-pah… Ah, welcome, welcome!

BOARDROOM

SEAN

Blat and Darcy, you rematerialize in these really nice, comfortable, high-backed chairs. And you’re at a conference table that just goes on and on. And it’s like you’re on the 45th floor, way high up, of a skyscraper, like from Balgomar.

But three sides of this room are just all windows. And you see a sight unlike anything—gleaming golden towers, pyramids… it’s just a mishmash of some of the greatest buildings and monuments of all time, as far as you can see.

And a door opens… and walking in with a pointer is Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hey, guys! We’re going to work on the elevator pitch. They got me the smelly markers I like.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord. We’re in hell.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

…Well, no, it’s actually just a boardroom. But it’s unpleasant what they can do.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re going to give an elevator pitch?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no. I’m going to create an elevator pitch based on the plan.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…As I’ve said, we’re in hell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What plan, Eggerton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The Shattering’s plan.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about? They’re here?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Ah, yes!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, not you…

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes! Derek von Frompton, in case you forgot and/or didn’t see my movies, ha ha…

Oh, you didn’t. Okay. Yes.

Eggerton here… you aren’t going to create‑a the pitch. We created the pitch for the last week! Why am I talking with an Italian accent?

Laughter.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I was going to comment on it, but I didn’t really want to break the rhythm of anything.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

(sighs)

Well, you know how it is.

Eggerton, you said that you would give the presentation and it would… kill.

Dramatic organ chord.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, I—

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

This is who you are giving the presentation to.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But… okay…

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes, so if you just want to hear—

SEAN

And he presses a button and a big screen comes down across from where you both are sitting.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Your friend Eggerton will now give you a slight demonstration and presentation of our plan!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This is a wooden armrest, so I’m going to see if I can bash myself unconscious with it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m going to press Play and… it’s asking for a system update. Did you not update the OS?

A slow thudding noise in the background.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

(whispers)

It’s a good start. Look at them. They’re starting to sweat… and one of them is bashing his head into the table. Keep going. You’re doing great.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, well, that’s just what they’re like.

But okay, so do we want to approve this installation now or do we want to delay again for later?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

(gleeful)

Keep going.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you’re right. This is hell.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right! We’re going to do the installation now. “Install now”… bloop!

…1%.

Well, um… I guess we’re going to have to just, you know, like come up with something to do while this installs. Um…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, why are you talking to this guy?! Why are you even together?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s a little confusing. So there’s this triad of a hierarchy. And I’m a little unclear on the balance of power, but I think it’s like a corporation within a corporation?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Let me help.

Yes! He works for us now. He agreed to put together this very presentation.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s an elevator pitch.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, so he’s going to give us some kind of presentation and that’s all sinister and wooo, scary?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Elevator pitch.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, elevator pitch, whatever.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

So good, you might say it’s going to kill.

Dramatic organ chord.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You keep saying that, but I don’t get it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is your diabolical plan? To get Eggerton to write something on a whiteboard and then that’s going to kill us all?

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow. You guys really have lost the thread.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Mm hm. We shall see, shouldn’t we?

SEAN

And Derek von Frompton turns and walks out of the room and closes the door.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s at 2%!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m going to see if it’s possible that maybe I might be able to choke myself with my own tongue.

(gurgling sounds)

SEAN

(laughs)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Glrrk… grkk…

It’s harder than it looks.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, talk to me. What’s going on here? Why are you even in this room? When did that guy show up?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, he’s been here for a bit, but you really gotta try the fruit-topped cronuts because they are out of this world.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gurgling)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Where did you get cronuts?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They bring them in every morning.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who does?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The portal salesman.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The portal salesman is here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yep!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That kooky guy?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, he’s co-future emperor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know, it’s weird. And then the Shattering’s here, but the Shattering’s like, I don’t know if it’s lateral or if they’re slightly above. Like I said, I think it’s like you’ve got Derek von Frumfrum over here along with the portal salesman, and they’ve got their thing going, but their thing fits within the Shattering’s thing. And ultimately, one of them is going to betray the other.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely, but we need to get out of here—Blat, will you stop choking yourself? Maybe you could participate here.

SEAN

As you look over at Blat and out the window, in a ray of light, you see a very familiar tree… a giant tree standing amidst sand in front of water.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s it, right there, out that window.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat, Blat, the tree. It’s the tree.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(coughs)

That’s the tree?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s the tree. That was in my vision.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The tree.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The tree behind you. Look, come over to this window.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Over here. I was telling Blat that the second key—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a key!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, we know you’re a key, but there’s a second one. So I’m talking about the second one.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s actually sixty.

You want me to—hold on. Let me get the notes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve got the notes right here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s okay. We don’t need the note.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s fine. I got it. I’ll find it. I’ll find it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We don’t need the note. I believe you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’ll just take a second.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is one of those sixty keys, Eggerton. How about that? So it’s there. That’s the tree I saw in my vision!

Oh, no, he’s…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(reading)

“Find the sixty keys dead end find the three keys…”

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t care what you say. I’m choking myself with my own tongue again.

(gurgles)

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers with your Game Master, Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie, and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie, transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Steven Smith. Supporting producers: Ember Kabbes, Becky Arenivar, and Rren.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at otherbothers.com.

OUTTAKE: NOT THE WORST

Laughter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fourth day on the job, I’ve tased my entire cast.

Still—not the worst executive on the lot!