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58: Kajillionaires

The clock is ticking, and the party’s escape plan is going off the rails. But they’re about to meet someone who seems to know all the answers.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Michael Howie, Marisa King and Carter Siddall
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Dangerous elevators, mob violence and pooping. Yup.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

SEAN (AS VERONICA FROM THE TRAIN)

Are you Darcy from Shock Kitchen?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Yes.

SEAN (AS VERONICA FROM THE TRAIN)

It’s like you’re shining a light on just how made up everything is and ridiculous this whole place is!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Something dark and nefarious is happening within the Wisney Corporation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? Impossible.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It seems that Eggerton has been tased and is now in a cart outside…

Zapping sounds. Eggerton goes into spasms and falls over.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Meanwhile Darcy has gone completely crazy and has sealed herself up in a room.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you talking about?! I’m right here.

SEAN (AS SECURITY GUARD)

That’s the hostage taker?!

MIKE (AS THERESA THE MAKEUP ARTIST)

That’s her!

Darcy gets zapped too. She yelps and falls down with a groan.

SEAN (AS LOUIE)

(over the phone)

We just got a little delay on the show. They’re gonna shelve it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shelve it?!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I just wanted to work a job for even a week where we wouldn’t have to worry about the Shattering.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Remember me, I hope? My name is Derek von Frompton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s familiar…

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I am co-emperor of the future! Also every morning I am responsible for getting a box of cronuts.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Now we wish to have an elevator pitch that will kill.

Dramatic organ chord.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think that elevator pitches are capable of that!

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Then you will die—and so will all the fae!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And… it’s asking for a system update.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m gonna see if it’s possible that maybe I might be able to choke myself with my own tongue.

(gurgling)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Look, Blat, that’s the tree! That was in my vision!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The tree? The tree!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gurgling)

THE BOARDROOM

Pastoral orchestral music.

SEAN

We’re on the 45th floor of a skyscraper, all glass windows.

Outside are pyramids, other skyscrapers, fae villages, giant mushroom houses, trees, castles that appear to be out of stories, hot air balloons, alien spacecraft… a mishmash of things from all time that you can see all around.

And sitting inside this boardroom at the top of the skyscraper, we see a little Eggerton with a pointer tapping a screen that says “3%”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so based on our current trajectory, the presentation will begin sometime next month.

But I can give you the escalator pitch on the elevator pitch ahead of time. I mean is that okay? Does that work?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How about this? Why don’t you try getting us out of these chairs and we’ll try to make a break for it?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean? Out of the… you see? You just stand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I thought there was some sort of cosmic hold on us preventing us from escaping or something.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I think you’re just lazy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, son of a Loxsyn! I could just stand up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think it’s also the oxygen you lost from trying to choke yourself for the past 45 minutes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m sorry. I heard “elevator pitch” and this one was leading the presentation. I thought for sure that unconsciousness would be preferable.

So when do, you know, evil and lesser evil and the portal moron come back? How much time do you think we’ve got to escape?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why, it’s really hard to tell. Time feels a little weird here? I don’t know if you’ve noticed that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, yeah, I think I overheard they said that you had been working on this pitch for like a week, but for us you’ve been gone for just a few minutes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And for me, it feels like just a few minutes. I mean, I know—I’ve been watching the clock. I’ve been here a week, but at the same time, it feels like just a few minutes. Sometimes time passes really fast for me, though, and I don’t notice it going by and I think it’s because I get distracted by things and then you just don’t know what’s happening—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, for once can you two stop launching into pointless chatter and let’s—Look! That’s where the second key is. We have to find how to get to that place out there. Look where that tree is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think the secret is in this box of cronuts.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, boy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(muffled)

Oh, yeah. I’m going to find the answer in here.

Mm… Oh, that really hits you all of a sudden.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Actually, those were the ones I brought in today. The portal salesman normally brings them in and he just said like…

SEAN

Someone just ate—I believe you just inferred that someone ate a fairy cake. So roll 2d6, please.

MIKE

Roll 2d6 for Fairy Cakes. Roll for Fairy Cakes… that is a 4.

Laughter.

MIKE

That’s not great, I don’t think.

SEAN

There’s a rumbling sound in your stomach.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought I heard that these were cronuts…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You just had Italian food. Why did you need to eat a cronut?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Have you seen what Italian food is?! I’m sorry. Give me a cronut, or at least what I thought was a cronut, every time. But no, I didn’t realize that I had just fairy caked myself!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I mean, that one does have purple on it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t know what colour a cronut is and—ohhh, my innards.

Ominous bubbling sounds from Blat’s stomach.

SEAN

4%.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I think I’m at about 4%. Ugh. All right. So we’re going to have to hold off on the whole “let’s escape” thing. Instead, there’s a new game: Find Blathoxil a Bathroom!

Theme music plays—an orchestral arrangement in the style of Disney TV specials.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Marisa King, and Michael Howie.

Episode 58: Kajillionaires.

THE BOARDROOM

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, where’s the bathroom?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t need one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You haven’t gone to the bathroom in a week?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think it’s probably been like 18 years.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You haven’t gone to the bathroom in 18 years?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, so there’s this thing with fae sometimes where you kind of start to commune with the world around you and you feel the fae lines and then you just don’t need a lot of that stuff anymore.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Wow.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re just filled with fairy cakes, aren’t you? That’s just all that’s in there now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, he’s telling us he isn’t.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, no, I both am and I’m not. You see, it just kind of gets used and then just comes out like in energy, in action. So like, watch, if I do this and I go—hwah!—and I kick like that, that was a bit of a fairy cake being used.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think he’s just full of fairy cakes and it’s just getting absorbed—aagghh, I can’t take it!

What did you put in this fairy cake?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, you see, the problem was we’re in this, I don’t know what it’s called, but you see how there’s all of these different eras around? The kitchen’s a little bit like that, too. So, you know, there was definitely some normal, just like good sugar and things like that, but then there was some stuff in the freezer that I had to chip out. I don’t know how long it had been there, but I think it’s probably fine. I just kind of blended it in and…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why would you make anything that involved chipping? Arghh!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Have you ever considered not making fairy cakes with questionable ingredients you find in an environment with which you’re unfamiliar?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Have you ever considered bringing me fresh fairy cake ingredients so I could make better ones?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Then, no. Well, I guess I have thought of it. I mean, I can’t say I haven’t thought of that. I would have preferred to have those fresh ingredients, but they weren’t there. So, you know, you make do with what you have.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Here, Blat, there’s a garbage can over here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m not using a garbage can! It’s not coming out the top way, it’s gonna come out the bottom way.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, then you better try one of the doors and see what’s behind them!

SEAN

There’s one set of doors in this room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Isn’t that the door where all the bad guys just left through?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, they’re probably having some kind of conference call or something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Loxsyn…

All right, I’m just gonna take my belt off real quick. I think I’ll be able to walk if I don’t have—ughh—as much constraining me.

All right. Here we go, walking out the only set of doors…

SEAN

So the doors swing open and you see a hallway, just lushly carpeted, like this is an executive floor. And there are a couple other meeting rooms with glass. You do see some people meeting in one of them, like through a glass window. And the hallway heads to what looks like an open area where you see a pair of elevator doors.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, maybe there’s like an executive level bathroom here that doesn’t require a key or something.

CARTER

So Blat avoids the meeting room that has people in it and tries one of the other doors.

SEAN

Okay, so first of all, roll 2d6 +Dex just to see. Any Dex bonus you have.

CARTER

(laughing)

Well, this is an embarrassing problem.

MIKE

Roll for diarrhea control.

CARTER

3!

MARISA

(laughing)

Oh no.

SEAN

So you are doubled over and you fall into the window where the people are having a meeting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Whulk!

SEAN

They all sort of turn and look and then they look really bored and they just turn back to the screen.

CARTER

Blat… slowly slides down the glass while they’re still having their meeting.

SEAN

And then the door opens and a woman pokes her head out.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Excuse me. I’m sorry, did you have this room? I thought we had this room booked.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(in agony)

No! No, I don’t have this room right now. I was just hoping to find the, um, bathroom. I’m part of janitorial.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Oh, well, janitorial is not supposed to use the executive bathroom—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I’m here to clean. I’m obviously just here to clean. I wouldn’t dare use your fancy executive bathroom.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Well, don’t you know where it is?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m new! I’m part of the demonic training program.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

One floor down. I gotta get back to the meeting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

One door down, of course.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

Floor down. Floor.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Floor down.

SEAN (AS THE WOMAN)

The elevator’s probably…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right, I’ll… I can crawl there. It’s fine. Why would you have them on the same floor? That’s silly. Okay, here I go…

CARTER

And Blat crawls along the incredibly lustrous carpeting.

SEAN

It’s really nice.

CARTER

Very nice. Very soft. Be a shame if something happened to it.

Laughter.

CARTER

Trying to get to the elevator.

DARCY AND EGGERTON

SEAN

So what are Darcy and Eggerton doing as they see this happening?

MIKE

I think just watching?

SEAN

From the boardroom.

MIKE

Yeah, just standing in the door and watching.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is it still at 3%?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yep.

SEAN

It’s actually at 4% now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it just changed! Isn’t it fun when you actually see the numbers change sometimes? Like, you know it’s changing. It’s like the pot that’s boiling when you actually see the first bubbles come up. It’s the same kind of feeling of, “Oh, it’s happening!”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s a lot of fun.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, we get to watch it 96 more times, too!

BLAT

SEAN

You get to the end of the hallway. Most of the other rooms are empty. They’re all meeting rooms. And you see the elevator. Shining silver, everything perfectly polished. And there’s a down button, and it’s actually a little placard right there that says “EXECUTIVE MEETING ROOMS”. And then below it is “EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS”. And then below it is… nothing.

CARTER

So Blat tries to reach up blindly to hit the down button.

SEAN

Okay, yeah, he can hit the down button.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Go down one floor, and I’ll come back up, and then we can—

(suddenly doubles over with cramps)

make good our escape…

Ding! The doors slide open. An easy listening version of the Italyland music is playing.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

(possibly Eastern European accent)

Hello? Hello, are you getting on the elevator?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, uh, yes. I am getting on. Thank you.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Hello, I know you are executive. I will go right to the back of the elevator. I don’t want you to hit my buckets and my mops. I’m so sorry. This is usually the time I take the elevator. The executives don’t start coming on until later.

What floor would you like? I can poke it with my mop.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m just going one floor down. I’m looking for the washroom…

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, I have to clean those. Oh, yes, I know exactly. I will get there right away, sir. Quickly, okay, express, express, pushing it.

Shouldn’t take long. You look like you had a long meeting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(straining)

Yes, a very long meeting. There was a problem with our setup. We’re only at 3%.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, 3%. That does not sound very efficient.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, um, is there a lot of rooms on the floor below us?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No, it’s mainly a few washrooms and some supply closets, that sort of thing.

Oh! Here we are, here we are. Okay, you’re going… you would like to crawl out the door?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m having problems with my legs right now because of how long I was sitting in big important meetings.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

But I just polished, okay, it’s all, no, that’s fine. So it’s second door… Here, why don’t I just get… It’s the second door to the left. I’ll just open it for you…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

If I may make a helpful suggestion, I think perhaps you should hold off on cleaning this washroom until after I’ve left.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

That sounds very good. I will go and clean the next one then.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(straining)

All right, very good. You have a good day!

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Okay, oh, don’t—the door… Okay, it just hit your leg. It’s fine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s all right, it’s fine. I think I may have lost the use of the lower half of my body. It’s all right.

DARCY AND EGGERTON

SEAN

We return to the boardroom.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ughhhhhh.

What is taking so long?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s at 5%!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Not that. We need Blat so we can all get out of here. I mean, how long are we going to be left here alone?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I… presumably as long as we need to to prepare the presentation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s crazy that they trust you, that they think nothing’s going to happen in here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why wouldn’t they trust me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Because you’re not one of them, right?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but I’m an inherently trustworthy person.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but you shouldn’t be to evil.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m not trustworthy to evil, I’m just trustworthy and they are evil.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ooookay.

SEAN

Darcy, something keeps niggling at your consciousness. It’s like hard to pinpoint. It’s like a feeling like someone’s watching you, but then there’s not that. It’s like something really familiar feeling, but fleeting and hard to perceive.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do they have cameras in here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Probably, I mean they are aware of what’s going on, but I haven’t actually like seen one with a little flashing light that follows me or anything.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I feel like I’m being watched. Don’t you feel like you’re being watched?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I feel like I’m always being watched. I mean, we were both on television. We were stars, Darcy, not all that long ago. People, wherever we go, people are like, “Aren’t you the ones from Shock Kitchen?” And you know, it’s always really exciting when people recognize you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s not that kind of feeling. It’s not, you know, the celebrity feeling.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ohhh, it’s the shame. The shame from eating all of the the the the Karma Burger food.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, no, it’s—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sometimes it would fall on the floor first and you’d eat it anyway.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, they didn’t let us have any breaks!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I know, but you know, you just didn’t need to pick that one up. We could have made a fresh one for you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I did not want a fresh one from you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then I saw you look around and like, “Did anyone see me? I hope not.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, well, you didn’t have to bring that up, okay?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you’re the one who says it feels like people are watching you and that makes you feel shameful like it did when we were at Karma Burger—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I didn’t say it made me feel shameful!

What was that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

—and you ate your food off the floor… What was what?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you hear that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hear what?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There’s nobody else in here. Are you sure?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t see any—there’s me. I’m here. There’s you. Is there anyone else here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t see anyone…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m asking.

SEAN

You keep having, like, a scent that takes you back to when you were all in the Nexus in that room you shared… and then it’s gone. And then you realize that there isn’t any scent.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know. I think I’m having some kind of breakdown. I feel really strange.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Have you had anything to eat?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I had a bit of that. I had some bread.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, here. Why didn’t you have a cronut?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s a whole box right here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. I don’t need that. We should throw that out. Did you see what happened to Blat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I mean, that’s just bad luck.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is it? Is it?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I mean, there’s roughly a one in six chance that it would have been delicious.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe you should save those for our enemies. Maybe serve them up to them.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, good idea! Because then they’ll like us and be our friends instead.

MARISA

(sighs)

SEAN

6%.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, this elevator pitch you’re doing, what is it anyway?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well… I don’t know.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, when it loads to 100%, is anything going to happen?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hopefully the system will reboot.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But you don’t have a pitch.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, but, you know, it’s entirely possible there’s also a BIOS update that’s going to need to take place.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, you’re actually bargaining on this taking a long time. Are you actually being crafty? Are you actually… Do you actually have a plan? A ploy?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes! I do! A great big ploy, in fact.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Mmm.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mm-hmm!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sure you do.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It starts with a P.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Does it end in Y?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know what? It does. It’s interesting that you know that, Darcy—

Why don’t you tell me what your ploy would be and we’ll see if it kind of matches what my ploy is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I do think this distraction with the operating system is a very good idea. Obviously not yours.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, that’s just someone else, you know, coming up with, “Well, we need to update this,” and there’s maybe going to be new Solitaire games or something…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, it’s winning us some time. That’s what’s important. Maybe one of us should go check on Blat. I mean, what if they caught him out there?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s a good idea. We should split up.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think we should split up.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You just said one of us should go. So, why don’t I go look for Blat, you stay here, I’ll try and find Blat somewhere else, and then we’ll all just end up back together without any problem.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I just don’t think that’s a good idea.

BLAT

SEAN

Blat, you are stepping out of the executive washroom and quickly closing the door, for obvious reasons. I must say that it was a palatial experience in there. There were fountains and music and more devices than you maybe knew what to do with.

MIKE

And that’s just what came out of you!

SEAN

And you step out, the door clicks behind you, and you are in a very plush hallway, and you see other executive washrooms and a couple doors marked “JANITORIAL” and the elevator.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I feel so badly for that friendly janitor I met on the elevator. I feel like I should leave a tip or something. I don’t have anything…

All right, back to the elevator we go! You’re not wearing a belt. Just walk casually. You’re supposed to be here!

(hums nonchalantly)

La da deee…

SEAN

The door opens.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

(gruff voice)

Oh, excuse me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes, hello, ha ha.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh, hello.

SEAN

And they start walking towards the elevator.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I see you’re taking the elevator!

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Going up or down? I myself am going up!

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Of course I’m going up to the meeting room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, of course you’re going up to the meeting room.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

No one’s allowed to go down… Wait, I haven’t seen you around.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Yes, well, I just came for that meeting myself. If we’re going to the same meeting—what is your meeting about?

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

(sighs)

It’s about supply chain reenactments and improvements around Italyland.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Right. You’re not actually going to my meeting. Yes, your meeting…

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

What’s your meeting about?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, mine’s in the big room. The big room at the end of the hall.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Really? Oh. Oh, wow.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So that’s why you don’t recognize me!

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh. I’m sorry. I…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, that’s fine.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

No, I meant nothing. Please don’t mention me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no, no, please.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I’m so sorry. Let me get the door for you, sir.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, thank you very much. That’s very—

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I didn’t realize you’re going to the boardroom.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, well, good luck with your meeting. There’s a little restaurant in Italyland. I just feel like if during the meeting you can maybe mention that they should be broadening their menu a bit. I think that might be helpful.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh. Hold on, I’m going to get my notebook out. Thank you. “Broadening the menu.”

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s very noodle heavy. Perhaps they should try something a little different.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh, did you have anything in mind? Any suggestions?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, you know, something with a little bit of spice to it might be nice?

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Spice… Oh, well, you know, I recently came over from Mexico and we don’t mean that. You don’t mean like a jalapeno or anything?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Jala… jala-peno…

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Like a pepper.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, like a pepper! Yes, like a pepper. Like something kind of charcoal‑y, if that makes sense at all. A little hot, a little bit of heat to it…

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

“Charcoal‑y”. Thank you, sir. I will take that note.

Ding! The elevator doors open.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think that might be better.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Your elevator’s here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, good. Excellent.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I’ll take the next one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, that’s very nice. Thank you very much.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Thank you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And, uh, I ordinarily don’t hold my pants up with one hand.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I just, uhh…

SEAN

And he takes his belt off and holds his pants up with one hand.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I think it’s very fashionable, actually.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Very good. I didn’t realize I was starting a trend. Okay, well—

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

The door’s closing—it was nice meeting you, sir!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so long!

DARCY AND EGGERTON

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I just think that splitting the party sounds right. Like, do you ever have one of those things? Maybe you heard it as a song lyric or something as a child or it was a school lesson and then you hear it as an adult and it just, you’re like, yeah, that’s a thing. “Split the party.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it doesn’t go like that. It’s always “Stay together. Stay together.”

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

“Split.” So you’re hearing “stay” and I’m hearing “split”. They’re very close.

SEAN

You hear the sound of the elevator door opening and some music drifting down the corridor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, maybe that’s Blat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It could, okay. Well, let’s open the door and look. It’s a straight hallway.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I wasn’t the one who closed the door, was I? You closed it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I didn’t close it. I thought you closed it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I didn’t close it. Who closed it?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps, whispers)

Does that mean…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…there is someone in the room?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(whispers)

Or it’s an automatically closing door.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ah, yeah, that makes sense.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so we’ll open the door…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay…

SEAN

And you see Blat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shh! Shh! We’re supposed to be incognito. Get back in the room!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, sorry. Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now, where’s my belt?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think it’s over there on the floor.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, all right. So…

CARTER

As Blat puts his belt back on.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, we’ve made our mark on this place. I’ve convinced them to change the food in that Italyland restaurant. I think that will definitely be for the best.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What was the food like?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s, it’s just noodles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Really?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s just noodles and I don’t see what the big deal is—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is not, it’s not important. It’s not important. We have to get out of here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, fair enough. The good news is I didn’t see any of the people who were wanting to kill us and destroy the universe when I was out in the hall.

So, is there any way to get out of this room without going back that way?

SEAN

Everyone looks around the room that’s all glass windows and one set of doors.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So I guess we’re going back out this way.

Just remember, everyone… we work in janitorial.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But I, I don’t.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, you do though. You work in janitorial.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I’m in marketing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no. See, they’re looking for a guy in marketing. So you work in janitorial.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

If they’re looking for a guy in marketing, that sounds like the perfect opportunity for a guy who works in marketing to get like a new gig, to really rise up the ranks and change things for everyone.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Which is why you work in janitorial. We’re trying to hide our identities and leave.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay. So! I’m a marketing guy who works in janitorial temporarily.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’ve never worked in marketing. You don’t know the first thing about marketing, which sadly I think is true…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know so much about…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And you’re just in janitorial…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Just in janitorial.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re just going to go out in the hall and you see somebody, you say something janitorial like, and then we’re going to go downstairs.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right. All right. Let’s do it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Here we go!

CARTER

And Blat opens the doors again.

SEAN

So you see a long plush hallway that heads down towards the elevators.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Aren’t we too many janitors for one floor?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s a good question.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Don’t clump. Don’t clump!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. All right. All right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wipe that window or something.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Washing the floor…

SEAN

There’s a bit of a commotion happening in one of the rooms up ahead, the boardroom. Some shouting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. That’s got nothing to do with us. Just ignore that, and… oh, there’s lint on the carpet! Oh, this is so soft. I crawled on it earlier. I can’t tell you how luxuriant this is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just keep moving. Just keep moving.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re going to sweep and walk and sweep and walk and sweep and walk…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And sweep and walk and sweep and walk and sweep and walk.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, you’re sweeping a carpet, but okay. Maybe they won’t notice.

SEAN

And then a door opens and you see a familiar face.

SEAN (AS THE EXECUTIVE FROM MOMENTS AGO)

There! There he is! I would take credit, but that was—it was all his idea.

SEAN

And a bunch of people pour out of the room into the hallway and they are all holding their pants up with one hand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh!

CARTER

(laughing)

And Blat pulls off his belt, throwing it onto the floor.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Um. Hello, everyone!

SEAN

And they all start to applaud.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, you liked the idea about that restaurant. I guess when we were there, I wasn’t seeing a lot of crowds. So just broadening the menu, I thought might bring in more customers.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

It was pure brilliance.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy who works in janitorial. Well, we’ve got some…

Gasps from the executives.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

What?

MIKE (AS ANOTHER EXECUTIVE)

Janitorial?

MARISA (AS ANOTHER EXECUTIVE)

You talked to a janitor?

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

No! He’s—he’s on the board!

MARISA (AS ANOTHER EXECUTIVE)

(laughs)

There are no janitors on the board.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I… I thought you were on the board. You said you were in the boardroom!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, ha ha, yes. I just meant that we were going in there to, um, clean.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh—it was just a mistake! No! Leave me alone! No!

SEAN

And they drag him into the room screaming.

The door slams.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That was unusual.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. Don’t take any advice from people working in janitorial. This is good for us. People will leave us alone.

CARTER

And Blat starts hurriedly pushing the down button.

Ding!

SEAN

The doors open.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Get on, get on, get on, get on, get on, get on, get on.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, okay, here we go, here we go.

SEAN

You hear screaming from the boardroom.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Man, they do not like it when a non-marketing person gives any ideas around here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s what I’m saying. It’s good to be in marketing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But if you tell people you’re from marketing, they might know who you are!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I am very well-known as a great marketer.

SEAN (AS AN EXECUTIVE)

(from down the hall)

Where’d they go? There they are! Get ’em!

SEAN

The doors are slowly closing, but you see a bunch of people, very mad-looking, running down the hall towards the elevators.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m sure this will work out time-wise for us.

CARTER

Blat starts trying to push the doors together with his hands.

SEAN

All right, someone roll 2d6 for me. Defy Danger.

MARISA

Oh, no…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

3!

MARISA

Danger not defied.

SEAN

Danger not defied. An arm is stuck through and the doors start to open again.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, close!

Uh, uh… Free cronuts! There’s free cronuts in the boardroom!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Free cronuts! In the executive room! At the end of the hall! Yes, we saw it! There’s boxes of them! Boxes of them!

SEAN (AS ANOTHER EXECUTIVE)

You stay here!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sure, we’ll stay here!

SEAN

And they run off back towards the cronuts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggerton, that was amazing!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go get one of the free cronuts.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What—no, you idiot! We’re gonna use this opportunity to escape! Down button, down button, down button!

SEAN

Darcy, there are three buttons.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, Blat, which one do we choose? Which one was the bathroom level?

SEAN

They are labelled. There’s the current floor, and then the one below it is labelled “EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS,” and the one below that is labelled “OFF LIMITS.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, they’re labelled. I was panicking. It’s okay.

So… obviously, because it’s us, we have to go to the off-limits one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Off-limits. Right! Because I heard the guy say that he only had access to the top two floors. Everything else you weren’t allowed to go to. So that must be the off-limits. Which is strange, because that means that there’s like forty floors in this building which are “off-limits.” That seems kind of odd.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, they haven’t planned it very well.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Off-limits we go!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I feel like the lobby would have to be on-limits, because how would you get to the top? I mean, they have to be able to come in one floor and get to the top, right?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe there’s like a mezzanine “do not enter” area, right? So, like, you know how sometimes it’s Lobby and then Mezzanine and then the rest of things? Maybe the mezzanine is the “do not access” area, and there’s a lobby below it, but we gotta cross the elevator banks. So it’s like one row of elevators on one side down to mezzanine, cross that, then down to the lobby.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They should have had an express elevator. That would have made sense.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That would make sense. You know, we should go back and present that idea.

SEAN

The elevator comes to a stop at floor 43 and the doors do not open, and a voice says…

Beep!

SEAN (AS ELEVATOR VOICE)

Please scan access card.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Access card?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who has the access card?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t have an access card.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You don’t have an access card, but you’ve been working here for a week. Why don’t you have an access card?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I haven’t needed to leave the floor.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, so all this mezzanine talk of yours is just bunkum. You haven’t had to leave the floor either.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I would say that is a potential possibility. I wouldn’t say that’s what it is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Aargh.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Hello, I’m sorry you didn’t notice me because I blend in with the back as I am supposed to. Are you looking for an access card?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, we are looking for an access card, janitorial person.

SEAN (AS ELEVATOR VOICE)

Please scan access card.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Okay, well, you I don’t like so much. When you leave a mess like that, I feel maybe a big tip or something like that in the plate on the right hand side.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I literally had nothing on me. I was thinking that. I do apologize.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

“Oh, I’m an executive! I have nothing on me!” I have heard that so many times. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I assure you I am not an executive. We’re just trying to leave the building. We’re trying to get away from the executives.

Beep beep beep.

SEAN (AS ELEVATOR VOICE)

Initiating incineration.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, that’s right. The incineration. I’m forgetting.

Okay, okay. I need to insert access card now… Here we go.

Bing!

SEAN (AS ELEVATOR VOICE)

Access card accepted.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah. Is it possible to leave the building if we go down far enough in these off-limits…?

SEAN

The doors open.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Okay, off, off, off. Incineration has already started. So off, get off, get off.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. Oh. All right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Are you going to get off too?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, yes, of course, of course. I’m not stupid like exec—I mean, I’m not stupid.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you say “not stupid like executive”?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No, I didn’t say that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

SEAN

You are in a foyer. Gorgeous. Everywhere you look is gold and inlay and granite and mahogany—it’s almost too much.

And there are a couple of small doorways labelled “JANITORIAL CLOSET” and then ahead of you is a very large set of doors that say “HOME OF MR. WISNEY”.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Beautiful, isn’t it? I maintain all this…

You, you keep your inner turmoil to yourself.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My inner turmoil has been completed. Thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I may have some bad news vis-a-vis future inner turmoil of others. Do you have any vacation time coming up that you might want to take?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I… vacation? This is Wisney! I don’t get vacation.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You don’t get vacation?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No! That is a strange idea here.

SEAN

There’s a thundering sound of a lot of toilets all being flushed at the same time.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

…Oh no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, um…

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m very sorry.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I have to get back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, lots of fibre.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh, my goodness. Okay. I just have to make a stop at this janitorial closet.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy, you’ve just been so quiet the last few minutes. Are you doing okay?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I just don’t understand what’s going on. There’s just too many people emerging from places I don’t expect.

Is that… is that the office of Mr. Wisney?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You think that would be on the top floor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why is that down here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Everything’s different here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It says “HOME”.

SEAN

So, above the elevator behind you, just for reference, is… you are on floor 43.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, I don’t know if this is our way out. I was hoping to go right to the bottom of the building.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That was my plan originally. Yes.

SEAN

The elevator appears to only have three buttons: 43, 44, and 45.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s as if they don’t want us to get out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, what, I mean, what’s in the janitorial closets, do you think? How did the janitors get in?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I, I just use a key.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hi. Where do you go when you’re not here?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

When I’m not where?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Here, in the building.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

…No, I’m in the building—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know you’re in the building, but when you’re not in the building, where do you go?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No, I’m in the building.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know you’re in the building, but when you’re not in the building, where do you go?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I… I don’t understand what you’re saying. I have my janitor staff room on the other level.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I go there to sleep and eat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

And then I go here to get my supplies. Look, a mop!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. And then when you leave—

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No. Okay. But you have to let me finish the question. When you leave, where do you go?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

When I leave, I go to janitor staff room.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then when you leave there?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

I go here, to the janitor—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, Eggerton, I think she’s trying to tell you she doesn’t leave—

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Yes, she gets it! She’s smart one.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. Thank you. I’ve been trying to tell them that for many years.

She doesn’t leave, Eggerton! That’s what she’s saying.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s just a little unusual. Okay. Well, wait. Was the staff room upstairs or is the staff room here?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, is upstairs.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is upstairs. Okay. Okay. So you sleep upstairs.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Then you come down here for mops.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then you go back upstairs.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

For cleaning.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then when you go home, you go…?

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Janitor staff room.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. But when you leave the janitor staff room to go home….

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There is no home, Eggerton. She’s telling you there’s no “home”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

She hasn’t said those words. She has just not told me where home is yet. This is like one of those word puzzles where you have to ask the question the right way.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

There is no home.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

Maybe it’s under construction.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

No. No construction.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Well.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Are you here to see Mr. Wisney?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No. I feel like we’re trying to not see Mr. Wisney, but we’d like to go to his tree.

MARISA (AS JANITOR)

Oh. This one has problems. Yes?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. You have absolutely no idea.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a key.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes. Keep repeating that…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key. I’m a key.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, stop it.

Okay. I am very hesitant to do this. But it’s possible that if we go into Mr. Wisney’s office, we might be able to figure out a way to leave the building from there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Unfortunately, I was thinking exactly the same thing, because there’s probably a special Wisney elevator in there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah. Now you’re thinking. If anyone’s got the ability to leave this building, it has to be Mr. Wisney.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Exactly.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, let’s put our heads together here for a second.

What business would three people that he doesn’t know have to do with Mr. Wisney?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We want to buy the park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooh. Foreign investments.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Foreign investments. Wonderful. We’re three kajillionaires from Balgomar looking to invest in… whatever this place is. Excellent.

Let’s hope we can get a meeting!

CARTER

And Blat knocks on the door.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It’s the beginning of The End of Time and Other Bothers!

ELI

Hi everyone. It’s Eli here with the announcements.

And first off, a heads up that Episode 59 is going to hit the feeds in mid-August and then we’re going to be off for a couple weeks longer than usual. Because it’s summer and other shows are happening. We’re hoping to fill in with a Nexus Files episode or two and get back around the table in September.

Other shows? Yeah. Last episode, I mentioned the Hamilton Fringe Festival where we are performing a live version of our improvised sci-fi show, Civilized. Sean is in the cast of course, and so is Kristi who is Tekmar here on Other Bothers. And speaking of Nexus Files, she is Jaki on the Nexus Files. And I will be improvising sound design.

We’re really excited about all that. That is happening July 22nd through the 31st, 2022 here in Hamilton, Ontario.

And you can find all the details and tickets and things at civilizedpod.com.

And of course, I would like to send out a big shout of love for our patrons. We are still going through the list from days of yore. So big hello and big, big thank you to Julia, Sarah Blake, Kayla Emerson, Joe A, Jordan Stillman, Sara Newell, Christopher Winwood, Justin Daniel Silva, DantesFire, and Leslie Sasaki. You are marvellous beings and we are ever grateful for your support.

And that’s about it for me. I’m going to get us back to the episode because this one’s an epic. I’ll see you all next time!

Music sting.

MIDROLL: ANTARCTICALAND

MARISA (AS RITA)

Twizzle? Twizzle, what are you doing?

SEAN (AS TWIZZLE THE PENGUIN)

(insistent honking)

MARISA (AS RITA)

What are you doing? Twizzle? No, stop it. Stop bothering Watson. No, Twizzle.

Good Twizzle. Good Twizzle.

MIKE (AS WATSON THE PENGUIN)

(aggressive honking)

MARISA (AS RITA)

Watson, Watson, you don’t need to be vengeful. We don’t do that here.

MIKE (AS WATSON THE PENGUIN)

(questioning honk)

MARISA (AS RITA)

No. Good. Yes, that’s good. Okay.

MIKE (AS WATSON THE PENGUIN)

(better behaved honking)

Whew! What a day.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

So I got a drop-off here—whoaaaa!

MIKE AND SEAN (AS PENGUINS)

(agitated honking)

MARISA (AS RITA)

No. What do we do when visitors come?

The penguins fall silent again.

MARISA (AS RITA)

That’s right. That’s right.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

I got a drop off here for Penguin Rita?

MARISA (AS RITA)

It’s just Rita, actually.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Just Rita Actually.

MARISA (AS RITA)

No, Rita is my name.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

It’s an odd family name, “Actually”.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Okay.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Anyway, I got some more animals here for you to take care of in whatever this place is.

MARISA (AS RITA)

What? No, this is the penguins. I don’t need more animals.

MIKE (AS COW)

Mooo.

MARISA (AS RITA)

What’s this?

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Oh, this is something new. It’s quite exciting. This here is a cow.

MARISA (AS RITA)

A cow?

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Cow.

MARISA (AS RITA)

No, no, we don’t do farm here.

SEAN (AS A ROOSTER)

(crowing)

Bakaaw!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Oh, no, we don’t. No, we’re—

MIKE (AS COW)

Moooo.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

This is like a penguin except it’s got these weird things coming out of it.

SEAN (AS A ROOSTER)

Bakaaaaw!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Well, that is just very difficult to listen to.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Well, that’s why I want this thing off of my truck and in your capable hands.

SEAN (AS A HORSE)

(snorts)

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

All right, this is a horse which is like a cow except it’s larger.

SEAN (AS AN ELEPHANT)

(louder, trumpeting snort)

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

This is an elephant. If you think a horse is big, hoo boy.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Have you looked at your manifest? This is not supposed to come to me. I’m Antarcticaland.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

I got chicken, cow, horse, elephant—

MARISA (AS RITA)

Some of them are going to farm areas, I’m sure. Probably in Americaland. There’s a lot of farms there.

SEAN (AS A SNAKE)

Ssss!

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

This is a snake. It’s bitten me several times. Please get it off of my truck.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Do you think I can have these animals around my penguins? They’re sensitive!

MIKE (AS WATSON THE PENGUIN)

(honking)

MARISA (AS RITA)

Look! That one’s playing chess.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Lady, all I know is I’m supposed to come here and drop off these animals at this location.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Okay, well, they—

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

I don’t know from Antarcticaland. I’m just a seven-tentacled guy trying to do his job. Now listen, if you don’t like the idea of them being here, what you should do if you want to make a complaint is go to albasalix.com and—

MARISA (AS RITA)

Wait, wait, I have to write this down. Let me get my clipboard. Say that again.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

All right. It’s albasalix.

MARISA (AS RITA)

With an X.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

That’s right. You can actually, if you like—

SEAN (AS TWIZZLE THE PENGUIN)

(honking)

Dot com.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

—make a donation where then you can talk to people about whether or not you thought that this particular sketch was a bad idea.

SEAN (AS TWIZZLE THE PENGUIN)

Knight to E5.

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

It can play chess! That’s pretty good.

MIKE (AS ANOTHER DELIVERY DRIVER)

Yeah, I got a shark delivery here for a patreon.com/albasalix?

CARTER (AS DELIVERY DRIVER)

Okay, well, it looks like I should get out of your hair. They’re really lining up behind me.

Music sting.

MR. WISNEY

SEAN

The doors swing open and you see a penthouse suite that has very few walls, that extends the full width of this skyscraper at this floor.

And there is a mishmash of gold and inlay and plush, but there’s a lot less furniture than there are toys and televisions and talkers and all this—there’s some things you’ve seen and some things you haven’t. There’s even a canoe that’s quite large, like you could fit half a village in it. And it just spreads out as almost as far as you can see.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so I want to try starting over on the left side where what looks like the video games and then work my way over to that little pony ride stand thing. Then I want to try that popcorn machine mixed with the candy corn machine mixed with the cotton candy machine. And then I think we should go back to the video games for a bit. Then I want to go over and see what that person with all those tools keeps doing over there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is not a carnival.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but you’re telling me this is not a carnival—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re not here to have fun.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, we’re everywhere to have fun.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ll start with the person with the tools. They’ll be able to let us know if there’s a private elevator.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Good idea. Okay, excuse me! Excuse me!

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

Are you… are you talking to me?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, yeah. We’re looking for… We’re here. We’re here.

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

I’m not supposed to talk to anyone.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s okay. We’re here to talk to Mr. Wisney because we are foreign investors with 17 kajillion credits that we’d like to invest. So if you could tell us which way to go to get to the, you know, line to see Mr. Wisney?

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

I’m not supposed to… I’m just fixing the game. Sorry.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it’s fine. It’s fine. You can tell me though.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is there a private elevator here that you know of?

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

No, I… Why don’t you just talk to Mr. Wisney?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, well, it’s what we wanted—

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

(imperious, posh English accent)

Excuse me, Arthur. Are you talking?

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

No, no ma’am.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

I believe you’re just supposed to do your job. Have that fixed in 15 minutes.

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

Yes ma’am.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Hello. May I assist you in any way? What are you doing in here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We are here because we are foreign investors with 17 kajillion credits!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, from Balgomar! And we were hoping to see Mr. Wisney, uh, to present a deal.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Do you have an appointment?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We do not. Oh no. We have no appointment. So perhaps we could just leave on your private elevator and make an appointment at a later date or time.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

But you said you wanted to see Mr. Wisney.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, but sadly, if Mr. Wisney is busy, we completely understand. Mr. Wisney is very busy, so we’ll just take his private elevator out of the building.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Well, the curious thing is we’ve just had a cancellation today, actually. So I think Mr. Wisney might be able to see you. And if you’re from places abroad, I think that’d be fascinating to him. As you can see, this whole room is full of curios from all over.

(arch)

And you say you have 17 kajillion credits? My goodness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s a metric, 17 kajillions.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Of course, of course, of course.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

In Balgomarian funds, so I don’t quite know what that translates to your money. Um, perhaps we’ve undervalued the worth of this place! We don’t mean to insult you. Perhaps we should just then take the private elevator and leave and take our shame with us.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

No, Mr. Wisney does like to meet other people. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve come across the locals here, but they are rather boring. I mean, they have meetings after meetings after meetings, and frankly, it just gets completely plain and dull and Mr. Wisney hates it. So he would be fascinated by new people.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Fascinated?

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

In fact, come this way. Come this way. Quickly now. Quickly now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is a really, really big penthouse.

SEAN

She leads you to a door that you almost missed that says “PRIVATE LABORATORY” and it’s crossed out and the word “OFFICE” is scratched over it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

La-bor-atory. I think they spelled “library” wrong.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Oh no, it wasn’t a library. But this is where Mr. Wisney has his office now. I’m just going to knock—just a moment, if you please.

(knocks)

Hello?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, uh, peanut butter and jelly would be great.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Of course, of course. I think you’ll be very interested, sir. There are some people here to see you.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I thought my appointment cancelled.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Well, it did. But these are different people. I thought it might brighten up your day a little bit, you know? Add some colour.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Wait, wait. You know I don’t like being surprised. Tell me what it’s about.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

All right, well…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Before you let them in.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Yes, of course, of course. They’re foreign investors from, what was it? Beegomar?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, Balgomar.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Balgomar! Have you ever heard such a thing?

(chuckles)

17 kajillion credits to their name and they were interested in talking to you about, I believe, investments, was it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, yes. Or, um…

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Oh, and you were interested in private elevators, too. I think they might be investing in elevators.

SEAN

A light comes on on this circular dome and then it punches out from the wall and goes down and it’s like an eye and it blinks. And it like zooms in on each one of you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s unnerving.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, I see. Of course. I didn’t realize they were… Yes, send them in.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Excellent. You may go in. Oh, may I say you’re so very fortunate. I’ll be getting the sandwiches, sir!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, can I have one with mustard?

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Mm. Let’s wait and see, shall we?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You see, I knew she’d be secretly unhelpful. I’m actually surprised at how helpful she actually was.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s surprising sometimes.

MARISA

And we enter the office.

SEAN

Thank you, Darcy.

MIKE

(laughs)

We all just stand there idly for eight minutes.

SEAN

So you open the door and you step in and it’s dark. And as your eyes are adjusting, the door closes behind you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s always, like, I think they’ve invested in auto-closing doors here.

SEAN

And a light comes on in the centre of the room, just highlighting a circle on the floor. And a darkness begins to form out of the darkness in the light. And a silhouette starts to rise up out of smoke as the Shattering forms into a silhouette in the centre of the room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Aww, come on!

SEAN

Darcy, can you please, you have, is your Wisdom or what’s your…?

MARISA

I have nothing.

SEAN

Intelligence or Wisdom, your choice.

MARISA

Yeah, Wisdom.

SEAN

Can you roll 2d6, please? Wisdom check.

MARISA

Mm-hmm.

SEAN

You get your bonus.

MARISA

I hope I don’t roll like Carter. Ugh, I did. So that’s an 8 with my bonus.

SEAN

Okay. Something’s off.

MARISA

Ya think? It’s the Shattering.

SEAN

But it just doesn’t feel, something’s off about it. That’s all I can tell you with an 8. But it’s also really dark and your eyes are adjusting. And the form finishes materializing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, now we’ve been over this. You said you can’t be corporeal and then you are corporeal, but then you’re not. I mean, I just feel like you need to pick—

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Aren’t you supposed to be creating a presentation?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s a system update.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

There always is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know. It’s like, why can’t you just wait and do one?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

I should have taken over that corporation.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, does your assistant know you’re the Shattering?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

(sinister chuckling)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Does she just think you’re some nice old guy named Mr. Wisney?

Silence.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Oh, that was really a question? It was like, oh, ha ha ha… I am all things. Wisney works for me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, no, no, hold on. Hold on. Right now, what you’re telling me is that you are in charge of not only the portal salesman and Mix-us-a-va-va who have their own evil plan, but you’re also in charge of Wisney who has their own evil plan, all of which somehow structure together within your evil plan.

SEAN

So Darcy, as the Shattering is talking, it’s like you’re hearing, it’s very hard to hear with that roll, but it’s like you’re hearing two voices at once. Right? Like there’s someone talking and their voice is being altered coming from the back of the room by saying what it’s saying.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Now, I’m trying to draw this out again—

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

This stops here. This is your final chance to join me, to work for me, to… I’m not sure what a five-way split of power would be.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A septevaret?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

A septevaret? Co-septevaret emperors of the future.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Now, okay, wait, can we, like, is it a timeshare thing where the future for this era is mine and the future for that era would be Blat’s? Or is it like we’re all co-emperors at the same time and we meet as a committee or do we divide up the future? What’s the deal? I just, you keep talking about the plan and you never actually see it…

MARISA

And I’m sidling to the back of the room, just investigating what’s over there?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

You can stop. Stop, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

Just stay where you are.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, what happens if I don’t?

SEAN

And the form starts to waver.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s new.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, that’s interesting. What if I just step here?

SEAN

And it becomes Derek von Frompton.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Well, that’s enough, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, not you.

SEAN (AS DEREK VON FROMPTON)

Ha, yes. Maybe you should consider this offer. You could have, you could ladle soup as much as you wanted. You could have that building. In fact, it’s right outside. You could have your friends forever.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well… not that tempting.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What kind of soup was it?

SEAN

As Darcy continues to move, the form wavers and becomes Draxor, the tentacle creature.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh.

SEAN (AS DRAXOR)

Hi, Eggerton. It’s been a while.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It has. Ha ha! How are you?

SEAN (AS DRAXOR)

Oh, good. The kids are good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s good.

SEAN (AS DRAXOR)

You should consider the plan and the offer.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so here’s the thing though, Draxor. I want to understand it, but no one’s really telling me the plan. It’s just sort of like there is a plan and we should all just trust it.

SEAN (AS DRAXOR)

Co-co-co-co-co-emperor!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know. Okay, so, but can you, like, do you have the documentation that supports the corporate structure?

SEAN

And as Darcy continues to move forward, it becomes High Priestess Ithkar of the New Moon and of the Slaad.

SEAN (AS HIGH PRIESTESS ITHKAR)

You must stop. You must listen.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, what? Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

SEAN

Then it flickers into Lord Percy, the chancellor, then the policeman, then Star.

SEAN (AS STAR)

Ha ha, you must listen to me!

SEAN

And as you’re getting closer, Darcy, you can hear someone behind the curtain saying,

SEAN (AS THE VOICE BEHIND THE CURTAIN)

You must listen to me!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There’s a curtain. Look. Right here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That yellow curtain?

SEAN (AS THE VOICE BEHIND THE CURTAIN)

Do not look behind the curtain!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m looking behind the curtain.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but they told you not to.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I’m going to.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There may be consequences!

MARISA

And I rip it open!

SEAN

And you see a somewhat plain looking 50-ish year old man stand up and,

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

Oh, uh, sorry, I’m just a mechanic!

SEAN

And he pulls out a wrench and starts pretending to do something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you doing?

SEAN (AS THE REPAIRMAN)

Um…

I should introduce myself. Let me turn on the lights.

SEAN

And he presses some switches and lights come on. You see there’s chairs and things on the side.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

It’s like, um, my name is Mr. Wisney. Pleasure to meet you all. Hello.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello. Hi.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Hello.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wasn’t he the guy who was fixing a video game that the other lady yelled at?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I think he was. Arthur or something.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Arthur Wisney. Um.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Arthur Wisney?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes. Uh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What are you doing? Why are you making all these voices? These are people we know.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

They are me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They are you.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, it’s a long story. Maybe we should have some tea. I’ll ring up for some. Would you like peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, and some mustard with sparkles and stripes. And if you happen to have any that are a little more green than yellow, that’s just the right—that’s the one. You know what I mean?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I love your specificity.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is great.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, I understand. Let me, let me, uh, let me, uh, I’ll bring that in right now.

What about you, uh, Blat, right? Uh, Blathox… Blathoxil, right? Uh, let me, uh, what, what can I get you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, well, I was hoping to get…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Some spicy hot tea?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Anything that wasn’t Italian.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, uh, what about a blackened meal? Something blackened, maybe?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Something blackened would be…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Perfect.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Great.

There’s a lot of rat merchandise in this room.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It really went rat heavy.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

That was my great-grandfather, how they started. Uh, Darcy, can I get you anything?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, how do I know you’re not trying to poison us?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, I… it’s a fair point, um…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ll just stick with nothing for now, but you better explain yourself really quickly.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Okay, well, um…

What would you like to know?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Everything!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You said it’s a long story, and it feels like, I don’t know, 57 hours or so worth that you might need to explain, but…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Are you the Shattering? Is the Shattering… you?

Are we in a separate dimension?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, um…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is this a theme park? Why can’t we leave this building?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What can I do with all of these tickets?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, how many do we have?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What did you go all in on rats?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve got like 1,800 round tickets, but none are exits.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, I can get those—Basically, you can have your pick. Here, look—

SEAN

He pulls out a binder.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, a binder.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

It’s all by number.

The door opens.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Here’s your food, Mr. Wisney.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, if we could…

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Everything you ordered, including the strange mustard.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, mustard. That’s for me. Over here.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, if you could, um… Maybe get some tea.

MARISA (AS MR. WISNEY’S ASSISTANT)

Oh, tea. Of course, of course. I’ve got it right here. I never forget the tea.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Thank you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Now look at this. For 1,600, you can get a trans-dimensional loop.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Trans-dimensional loop for 1,600. Do you think that’s what the portal salesman’s actually been doing?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe. I mean, It never made sense that it was just random tree branches.

Like, maybe he’s just really good at skeetball.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, look, um… Maybe we should have just had a meeting to start, but, uh…

It’s a very long story, but in my great-grandfather’s vision and attempt to achieve ultimate power, some things were unleashed in the universe that, um… you might call the Shattering.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We might call it that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What might you call it?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

The Wisney Vortex.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The Wisney Vortex?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I like the Shattering better, I gotta be honest.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I do agree. I think the marketing team did a great job on that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Marketing teams always just… You know, there’s something about a good marketing team. It really just elevates you above everyone else.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And I feel like there’s a lack of appreciation for that.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

We could use some, you know, new blood.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I heard that you had a need for a marketing guy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s not get distracted, Eggerton. This guy’s about to tell us how we’ve been strung along for all this time, thinking that the Shattering was something big and evil. You don’t look big and evil.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

No, I’m not. I just… you know, just want to make sure the shareholders get their profits.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, it’s about profit.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

“Shareholder”…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, wait a second. How is the Shattering profitable?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is the Shattering a shareholder?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, you might call it the Shattering. It was, again, a really great bit of marketing. We call it the Wisney Vortex. It’s what’s creating what you see around us. The ultimate theme park. The ultimate enclosed ecosystem. A whole future where everyone pays for a day pass.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That doesn’t sound as nefarious as I think you think it does.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Not to mention the streaming and over-the-top rights. It’s a closed-loop ecosystem that we run.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

When you say a closed loop, you mean that as things rise to the top, they ultimately fall back down to the bottom and become the foundation for something in the future?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes. Exactly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That makes a lot of sense.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Again, we are looking for someone in marketing right now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I just… You know what? What if you, instead of just something that falls, what if it was a wonderful kingdom and at the peak was a tower and that kind of represented the ultimate like, destination. And then everybody had to come through like a drawbridge and work their way up and you just developed this whole culture around that.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But that kingdom is built upon our entire reality! The Shattering came into our timeline, destroyed everything, went backwards in time, destroyed all of that, until finally we had to come into this timeline to avoid it! You’re telling me that all of this is built on what used to be Balgomar?!

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, we had to break a few eggs in order to make the…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Break a few eggs?! We’re talking about centuries worth of universe… stuff!

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, we have a large team that attempted to hand-select those things which we thought were appropriate from every era and every universe and every multiverse and place them all here in… the Future Park. We’re still working on the name.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

“Future Park”.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, we’re still workshopping.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

“Future Park”.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Is he saying that everything we’ve experienced since we met has just been a giant theme park?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

…Well, more about the construction process for the theme park.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Were we test subjects?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

No. It turns out, and much to the surprise, well, not really, my father did predict that some of the gods might actually be real, even though he didn’t think that was really the case. And it turns out that there’s this prophecy, which we thought was a counter-marketing ploy from someone else that was trying to move in and create their version. We thought it was those Wernerversal people. But it turns out there actually is a prophecy.

And so my father gave me one job: to build the ultimate tower. You were so close, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Right?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A tower? It’s just a great visual representation.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes. The ultimate tower, the ultimate safety for everything we are building, but also… the ultimate trap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, wait. So it’s a safe trap?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m starting to see why some of this didn’t turn out for you.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I work so hard, and all I ask from my people is just a good work ethic. And I give them everything. The meeting rooms, the executive washrooms. And not have to come up with everything myself!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sorry, the executive washrooms? I just think that may not be the bonus you think it is right now.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I’m done! I’m done giving them things!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay. Everyone calm down. Everyone calm down. We’re all okay. Why don’t you take a vacation? I’ll fill in for a little bit. All right? Just head off.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Just go relax. Have a drink. Have a drink. And then I’ll just pull the strings.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Perfect.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You can’t let him go. He’s been pulling our strings this whole time, putting us through hell!

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

All you need to do is sign these pieces of paper.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

And I can go on that vacation.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, let’s sign!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! Don’t sign anything.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ughh. You never let me sign stuff.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, because you always get into trouble when you sign stuff.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But I’m the one who does the paperwork.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s just random bits of paperwork. That doesn’t count as “doing the paperwork”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, it matters.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

We’re done. The park is built. There is nothing else but the park. I don’t understand why you don’t join us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You say “nothing else”…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

This is it. You are in the park. Everything you saw, was it not beautiful? Were you not in the boardroom? Could you not see all the most beautiful things from every multiverse, all in one place, under one daily price pass?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…So we can never get out of here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Are there group discounts?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes! There are. Multiple group discounts.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did we get a group discount?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well… yes, as employees, you do get a discount. A significant one.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did they get a discount? Because I remember I had to give a lot of tickets over to get my stamp.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I’ve been here with you the whole time! This doesn’t make any sense. I thought I was fighting evil all of this time! It turns out I was just swept up in the construction crew of someone making the ultimate theme park!

Our entire lives have been destroyed, built so that this rat-obsessed wack-a-loon can create something where families can go!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s a really nice idea.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And I’m sorry! I feel like I’ve been taking crazy pills! This was supposed to be the ultimate evil!

What… von Evil? Von Frampton? Whatever his name is. Is he just an employee?!

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, no, he’s a creation. Part of the Wisneyverse.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is it like when you had people in costumes wandering around the park threatening the children? And they’re not really those people. They’re performers in those costumes…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes. Yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Or are you that person in a corporeal form pretending to be von Evil? Because I’m a little confused as to whether or not that’s an actual person or a character…

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, you can tell because when I’m acting as Mr. von Frompton, I can say what I wish to say. However, when it’s one of the actors, they have to follow the scripts, of course.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought he was going to kill us! It turns out he’s just a creation!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What about Moira? What about the Nexus? What about the Slaad? Are those all made up?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, yeah, the Nexus is gone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(confused, stricken gasp)

A shimmer of Loxsyn’s magic.

SEAN

And at that moment, Darcy’s amulet flashes briefly.

And you feel that feeling again. That thing that’s been bugging you. You can almost reach it.

Can you give me one more roll?

MARISA

A double roll… It’ll be even less.

MIKE

Somehow minus 2.

MARISA

Ooo. It’s a 13. My wisdom suddenly explodes out of my head.

SEAN

And time slows down for you. because when you were all living in the Nexus (before you destroyed it), there was always this hum, this vibration that was always in the Nexus. And you would almost forget it was there until you would go out on a mission and then it would be gone. And then you’d come back and… you lived with it for so long.

But you suddenly realize that you can almost swear you felt it for a moment. Close but still far away. And as you come back to it, he’s continuing.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Yes, well, I’m afraid we do have to terminate you if you don’t sign.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, us or our employment?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, it’s one and the same because you see, it’s the ultimate future where there’s only the Wisneyverse. So should you not be an employee, and I’m afraid you don’t have a valid ticket, which you don’t, you will be terminated.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Even with my multi-day pass?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I’m afraid it’s expired.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but I got the one that lets me get on the rides ahead of everyone else too.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

It does. In a different year.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh. Oh yeah, look at that. There’s a year there. I never noticed that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But we worked on Shock Kitchen.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

And thank you for that. It was a great test. Much appreciated. Again, I think you all would be very valuable.

But there’s no anything else. This is it. It’s over.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so. So. What we’re saying is that all points in the past have led to this Nexus where you’re in control of all things.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, I wouldn’t choose the word “Nexus”…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay, ha ha, I get it because there was one and then Darcy… Yeah, so.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Thank you for that, by the way, Darcy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It was an unfortunate accident.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

It was such a turning point for us in the creation. In fact—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just an accident.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A meeting of axes.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

When you next get to a window, look out and you will see there is a giant sculpture devoted to Darcy. And in that moment, holding up that apple, it was such a turning point for Wisney.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was a pretty big betrayal.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thanks, Eggerton. Thank you very much.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but what you’re saying then is everything comes to here. And then how do you control that? Do you have like a lever or…?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

I’m afraid I’m not going to stand up and give an evil speech where I lay everything out that you can then—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Of course you’re not. Of course you’re not.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Could you give us an elevator pitch?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

(chuckles)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, that’s what we’re really interested in. It’s just like incorporating that into my elevator. I mean, I’ve got the smelly markers here.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

There is no elevator.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There was.

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, it only goes between these three executive floors.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but what about outside the windows?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, you are certainly free to not sign and to leave. And all you must do is take the stairs. One floor at a time.

But I promise you, you will not reach the ground.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat, good news! I think we are fighting evil!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Better news: We don’t need an elevator to get out of this room.

CARTER

And Blat searches quickly for the heaviest object he can find.

SEAN

Okay. There’s a chair. A big, heavy chair.

Dramatic music begins.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! We’re going to smash through this window. You’re both going to grab onto me and we’re flying off to the tree! We’re getting the second key.

Screw you, Mr. Wisney!

CARTER

And Blat hurls the chair at the window.

SEAN

Okay, so this is going to be a test of wills. So I will roll and you will roll.

CARTER

Mr. Wisney, I’ve got…

SEAN

I have 12.

CARTER

A 12!

SEAN

What is your Dex? I have plus 3. What’s your Dex?

CARTER

My Dex is a plus 2.

MIKE

Ha ha!

MARISA

That’s okay. You have 14.

SEAN

So you have 14 and he has 12. So you throw the chair and he hits a button…

And that’s when basically steel doors start slamming, coming down on every window in the whole building.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Everyone, grab onto me! We’re going out!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Come on, Eggerton. Leave the sandwiches!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Noooo!

SEAN

I need a roll. Blat, you see it. You see it all happening in slow motion and you can do it. You can make it. You don’t have to roll. You rolled. You succeeded.

However…

MARISA

(groans)

SEAN

I need a roll from Eggerton and Darcy.

MARISA

No! What do we have to roll? What are we rolling?

SEAN

2d6 plus Dex.

MARISA

Oh no.

MIKE

11!

MARISA

Oh come on! I’m gonna be left behind with Wisney!

Ooh, an 11!

SEAN

And the two of you grab onto Blat and launch out the window as glass is spewing out into the ether…

And we’ll end it there.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Michael Howie, Marisa King, and Carter Siddall.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Ren, Ember Kabbes, and Becky Arenivar.

If you enjoy this show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material, and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

POST-CREDITS: OUT THE WINDOW

Wind whistles past as Blat flies along, carrying the others.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! I need you two to tear off my shirt!

We gotta get to the tree. It’s not that far for me to fly…

I think this just might be a small world after all.