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60: The Squadron Descends

The party meet more familiar faces – some who might actually be helpful and some who… yeah, no.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Marisa King, Carter Siddall and Michael Howie
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Explosions, comedy blood and gore, trauma, war, freakin’ out, capitalism.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

Blat, Darcy and Eggerton scream in panic as they fall out the window of the Wisney office tower.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m seeing a huge army! We gotta land farther away.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

O warrior, it is time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Your name is Wisney Puppet for all I—

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Grrr! It is not!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I got a flashback—

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

(perky voice)

I was just here because I have to pick up a file.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Evil me took the one file that I lost.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

You know where every file is. Surely you can put your hands on this one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

(her regular voice)

I wasn’t able to get the file, even with the nice lady voice.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Did you clean up any loose ends?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

All loose ends, tied up.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

All right, get back to headquarters.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that doesn’t make any sense.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, it doesn’t make any sense, but I think maybe now we need to find this file.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

I seem to have witnessed the target alive and well and—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi, I’m Eggerton!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Hello—

(catches herself and adopts her perky persona from earlier)

Hello!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What are you doing?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Buildings have just been snapped up and brought here to the park. And if this building is the building that I used to work at, that must mean there’s an alternate flat here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Isn’t that you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No. I’m me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes. The shirt!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Have you ever had a fairy cake?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

No, no, I haven’t had a fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, you should really try one.

SEAN

And she explodes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, does anyone have a moist towelette?

AFTER THE EXPLOSION

SEAN

There’s a dripping sound, and we see a pair of small fae clogs covered in gore and blood as we pan up over every inch of Eggerton and flash to the looks of horror on Blat and Darcy’s face as they stand over… Not-Blat, dead on the floor.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did you fall into a bowl of soup again?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I‑I don’t, I, uh…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You see what happens if you pick at a pimple? Now it’s not gonna heal!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But there was, um… and then, and now, I, so…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you lost for words?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s, they’re not there any more—the thing—and then, and then, but now?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The words aren’t there any more, and now they’re gone?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, they’re gone too, but also the other thing is gone because I—but no, because then, when I did the, the talking—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, did you eat one of your fairy cakes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think so, but—

SEAN

There’s a squelching sound from Eggerton’s shoulder and in, amidst the gore and blood, appears to be an earpiece, and it’s making a sound of a little tinny voice—

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Agent 45, Agent 45, come in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What is that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That, oh, that, that fell on me, I guess. It, it, uh, hello?

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Hello? Who is this?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, uh, my name’s Eggerton, how are you?

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

I need to speak to… was it “Anne”?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know an Anne, was that an Anne with an E?

SEAN

And the connection is terminated.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hello?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Who are you talking to?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hold on, hello? Hello? Hello?

SEAN (AS CALLER)

Hello, yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hi.

SEAN (AS CALLER)

Do you have ducts that need cleaning?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I haven’t seen them in a bit, but they seem maybe like, yeah, they could use a bath.

SEAN (AS CALLER)

(sarcastic)

Oh, ha, ha, ha, “ducks”.

SEAN

The connection is terminated.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What—hello, what’s, what’s wrong? I don’t understand…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, what are you—why do you have an earpiece?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, it fell on me, after the explosion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The, what, the explosion of tomatoes?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I, I…

SEAN

A single tooth drops from his beard and hits the floor.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it’s, that’s not mine, um, that’s, that’s, does anyone have, um, like a napkin I can put that in? Just…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You could use your moist towelette.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, I, I feel like I’ve already gone through that, and that just…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, wait, wait a second, wait a second. Buddy, open your mouth like this.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Uh, uh-huh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do you notice he’s not missing any teeth?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Sure.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(without closing his mouth)

I… I think all my teeth are there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Then where did this other one come from?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It came from my beard.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What—what… Eggerton, what happened?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s a little fuzzy… can I close my mouth?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Weren’t you with a woman when we saw you last?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I, I was…

SEAN

The earpiece is making a beeping sound.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, right, this thing’s beeping now. What—is there someone… hello?

SEAN

And it’s increasing in pace.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, it’s getting louder and faster, but there’s no one there.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Um…. Maybe you should put that down, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, what, what, what’s, who’s that down—is that Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, no, no, you know what? Why don’t we all just leave this room? Let’s just leave this room and let’s get the little device that tells us to wash waterfowl… We’re going to leave that here as well.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And then, uh, we’re just gonna take this file and we’re gonna find you a bathroom, okay?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t really need to go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay…

SEAN

And that’s when the explosion happens.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Marisa King, Michael Howie, and Carter Siddall.

Episode 60: The Squadron Descends.

THE PARKING LOT

SEAN

We cut to the parking lot. And smoke is pouring out of the doorway and three blackened individuals…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(coughing)

MARISA

(then, in response to Sean’s confused expression)

That was my blackened individual!

Laughter.

SEAN

Okay, it’s good. Three blackened individuals. One sort of sticky, blackened, stumble out of the doorway.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(groaning)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(coughing)

It’s in my sinuses.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I told you to put it down.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So let me get this straight. You did or didn’t have ducks that needed washing and this is how they retaliate?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They’re angry ducks, I guess. I know birds can get angry, but I never thought that the ducks would.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, some of Eggerton’s goo got on the file.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, no.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ugh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? Ooh, my ears are ringing. Okay, so we have the file, though… But now other Blat has been incinerated.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No!

A building exploded and that’s all we need to know and we’re never going to discuss that other thing again.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The dead Blat that I saw?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Would you just…!

Don’t you want to go somewhere to get cleaned up? Let’s get you somewhere to get cleaned up.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I need to get cleaned up now. You need to get cleaned up now. And it would be nice if, I don’t know, someone else in this park cared that there have been multiple explosions within the last few minutes!

SEAN

You hear the sound of singing… And it sounds like fae voices, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I do hear something. Maybe some frolicking singing off in the… Can you hear that? Oh, okay, well…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but why would there be any frolicking around here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that’s what fae do.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Everywhere?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, a group of fae is a “frolic”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’ve been hearing a lot of music since we entered the park and there’s this one song that I kept hearing for a bit, which frankly, I think is confusing children. The…

(sings)

There’s just one dimension after all… We live in one dimension—

And that obviously isn’t true! Why are they teaching kids that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s that… I don’t know. I thought I’d know, but I don’t. It’s a very unusual truth that seems to be happening here.

SEAN

The sound seems to be coming from just around the next building. The next building that’s not on fire.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so there’s no fire over there and maybe there’s like a corporate restroom or something we can all use.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, I think Blat’s been banned from all of those.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh yeah, that’s a good point. Well, maybe we can like throw some toilet paper out the window to them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We can just use little squares to wipe off.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You need most of the work anyway.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t think it’s that bad.

MARISA

Yeah. And now it’s charred onto you in a very unflattering way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This reminds me of that world we went to. Remember back when we met that guy, the baker, who was delivering some bread and we went to all those different places and then one of them had a goose on their head? It kind of reminds me of that place.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Gosh, that was such a long time ago. I could barely remember. That’s where you got the tux!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s right. Huh, funny.

You know, I think I would enjoy talking to you more if you weren’t covered in another person.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What do you mean, another person?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so we’ve decided to ignore that part. Let’s just find a building that isn’t smoking and maybe they’ll have running water.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, let’s go this way around the building. I can hear some sounds. It sounds like it might be, you know, a frolic. So that’s a good indication there’s either going to be food or cleaning supplies.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I swear to Loxsyn, if we meet an alternate Eggerton, I am going to lose it.

SEAN

The three of you are standing in front of a replica, amazingly exact, of a certain fae village with mushroom houses. And there is the sound of singing coming from down the street of this village.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is this the village that we fought the demons from?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, it can’t be. We’re nowhere near there.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, we’re nowhere near anywhere.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s true. And if that building was here, then I guess this could be here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ah, so T‑minus three minutes before I lose it. Great. Wonderful.

Well, let’s just ask one of them. Hello—little fae?

SEAN

A fae pops into existence and is holding out some marshmallowy mushroom substance.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

It’s really good. Do you want some?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure, I’ll take one.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

That’ll be three Wisney credits, please.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh. Perhaps I’m not hungry.

Just one quick question. This fae village, was it created by an all-powerful fae named Eggerton?

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Yes, the mother. The Motherton!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Could you excuse me for just one moment?

A few seconds of silence as Carter walks away from the table to a far corner of the studio.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, my God! I can’t believe—there’s another Eggerton! I can’t handle two Eggertons! Why are there multiples of everybody? Why?! Why can’t there just be one Eggerton?!

Carter walks back to the table.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(perfectly calm)

Yes, could we speak to him, please?

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Okay!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you.

SEAN

And an Eggerton appears.

Pop!

MIKE (AS BOTH EGGERTONS)

(rapid-fire)

Hi, guys!

Oh, hi!

Hi!

How are you?

I’m good, I’m Eggerton.

I’m Eggerton!

Really?

Yeah!

That’s weird.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Oh, oh, uh, which, oh, uh, uh…

Sorry, Motherton, are you the gore-covered one or the non-gore-covered one?

MIKE (AS AN EGGERTON)

What do you mean by “gore”?

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Okay, I’m gonna talk to the other one. They don’t appear to have any Wisney credits, Motherton!

MIKE (AS PRESUMABLY WISNEY EGGERTON)

Well, that’s the whole point of being here, is to get the most Wisney credits.

How do you not have any… Have you not been working a pyramid?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, so is this just a Faeland, like Italyland? Maybe it’s not—

SEAN (AS A FAE)

(gasps)

SEAN

And that’s when one of them pulls a cord and the words “Faeland” appear up in the sky.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(unenthused)

There you go.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Welcome to Faeland!

A little harp flourish. A cheer goes up among the fae.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

We need to see your tickets.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

See, Blat? He’s just an employee. He’s not another Eggerton.

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

Well, no, I am Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, I’m Eggerton.

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

No, I’m Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but I’m Eggerton.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

I’m not sure who’s Eggerton, but I’m the ticket checker. I need to see your tickets, please.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do we look like we have tickets? Do we not look like we may have been through something a little traumatic?

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Was that a question or one of those questions you’re not supposed to answer?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The bottom of his trousers are completely blown off. I’m sure if we had any tickets, they’re gone.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

(gasps)

Did you go to Pirateland? I’ve always wanted to go to Pirateland.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

Pirateland’s scary.

I think Pirateland sounds like a lot of fun.

Well, that’s because you haven’t met any pirates.

Well, I did meet one pirate on this ship that was flying through the sky, but I think he got thrown off the side at some point.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Oh, I love it when you tell that story, Motherton.

MIKE (AS AN EGGERTON)

Me too. So let’s tell it again. Everyone gather around for story time!

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Gather round for story time!

MIKE (AS AN EGGERTON)

Story time!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You just might want to lean in here. It’s gonna be a bit before things move forward.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

(each one saying one word at a time)

So—

once—

upon—

a—

time—

there—

was—

a—

pi—

rate—

ship—

flying—

through—

the—

air.

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Two Mothertons telling the story one word at a time!

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

This is great!

Let’s high-five!

They high-five.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

So—

there—

was—

this—

demon—

and—

he—

was—

very—

very—

angry—

but—

he—

was—

a—

good—

friend—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. No. Noooooo! I want a bathroom!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(alarmed)

Oh, okay. So there’s smoke…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fae, where do I find a bathroom?

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Is this the demon you were speaking of, Motherton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, she’s starting to look a bit like one.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Bathroom! Now!

SEAN (AS A FAE)

Bathroom! Bathroom!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Let’s just get, there’s I think a cleaning area behind the candy cane forest…

SEAN

One of the houses lifts out of the ground and comes trudging over and turns around and plops down in front of you. And a door opens on its rear that says “BATHROOM.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’ll take it.

MARISA

And I enter.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, just gonna be using about eight rolls of fae-sized paper towel here? We don’t have anything larger?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Doesn’t appear to be.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, so I’ll just take about 37 pieces and just affix them to my face. That’s great. I’ll be out of here in about an hour and a half.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So do you really think that’s person goo all over Eggerton?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A tooth fell off of him. What do you think that is?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, but I don’t think we can just ignore the fact then that Eggerton might have, you know, killed someone.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You think Eggerton murdered someone?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, how else to explain it? He went off with that lady. They never came back and suddenly he’s covered in… her, I assume.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But not even a little of her. I mean, all of her.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right, and now he’s not really talking about it. So maybe he, you know, I don’t know, split personalitied or something and suddenly just went crazy because I know you’re not familiar with that.

SEAN

The door to one of the stalls opens and an Eggerton steps out.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTON)

What do you mean there was a person?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do we know you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do you work here at the park?

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTON)

No, it’s me!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it’s not you.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTON)

What do you mean it’s not me? It’s me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re very fortunate right now that our Eggerton is covered in a very… definitive substance that we will know whether or not you’re our Eggerton.

MIKE (AS PROBABLY WISNEY EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You’re very clean.

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

I do try to be very clean. It’s an important part of baking. And you see, I like to make what I call “fairy cakes”. They’re these lovely baked goods that sometimes have wacky side effects—

SEAN

And Eggerton comes flying out of the back door of the bathroom and lands in the dirt. And we hear Darcy shaking off her hands and stepping back out into the village.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Annnd I’m done. All right, that feels better.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

Okay, that hurt a little bit.

I don’t think that looked like it would have hurt.

Typically when I fall, I’ve got a bit of cushioning.

Me too.

But I went face first this time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton? Eggerton number one, there’s a bathroom here. You should go in and clean up.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Clean up what?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The substance all over you.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I guess it can come off, but okay, I’ll wander in.

SEAN

A bell starts to toll. The alarm bell.

MIKE (AS THE EGGERTONS)

It’s the alarm!

The alarm!

It’s the alarm!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, so it’s the Fae Land alarm hour. Let’s see how this plays out.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, didn’t the alarm used to mean that there was to be some sort of shadow demon attack?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but then isn’t this all part of the game? Woo, shadow demon attack! Like the pirate ship where the pirates attack you. Oh, so scary. We’re just gonna watch the show, that’s all.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right. Messed up children’s entertainment.

SEAN

So all of the fae disappear. Does Gore Eggerton stay?

MIKE

Yes.

SEAN

So all the other fae disappear and the Eggertons, and you hear the sound of an engine or maybe many engines?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What… is that a lot of snoring?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It doesn’t sound like shadow demons.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is it water? Is it a bubbling brook?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, it sounds mechanical.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mechanically, mechanical maple?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Some sort of mode of transportation that the shadow demons are using to come attack the fae village?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Or maybe it’s just a train, you know, coming through.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There is a train, we know about the train.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We know about the train.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’ve ridden the train.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Maybe it’s just the train. Maybe we don’t need to worry. Maybe they just come by the train.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s probably what it is.

SEAN

Darcy, you see a speck in the sky, it’s getting bigger. And the sound’s getting louder. Like multiple engines.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Not a train, unless it’s a flying one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no. The train that we were on definitely did not fly. It was here in the park.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was fly, though.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, in that it was cool, in an old school manner.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um…

SEAN

You can make out a small biplane, but there’s a lot of… it’s like a growing group. Like a squadron?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why are there planes here? That… I don’t get it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe it’s an interactive ride? Should we try and like jump on one?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. Uh-uh.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why don’t we just go into the bathroom?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, into the bathroom. Quickly, into the bathroom.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Into the bathroom. Going to the bathroom.

SEAN

You hear the sounds growing outside and you hear them buzzing the fae village and you hear jet sounds and biplanes. Like maybe the sound’s something really large, like a bomber up there? Like there’s a massive squadron and it seems to be circling the fae village now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. They can’t emulate shadow demons. They’re just not good at it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey, let’s make the planes because they fly too and that’ll be scary. I think that’s all it is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So sort of fae village air show.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s right. That’s right. An air show.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Why don’t we just go back inside and enjoy the show then?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why don’t we go out and take a look and you return to your original pinkish hue?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, you have a finger on your shoulder.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, oh my.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Look how long that nail is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you think that’s a commitment ring or a wedding ring?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, whatever it is, it’s yours now.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Neat. Maybe I can use it as an earring.

SEAN

The sounds of the planes are receding and then you hear the sound, like the screech of tires hitting pavement.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well they landed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They landed. They landed.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s halftime!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s halftime at the air show.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, well, let’s go check it out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah. Maybe the pilots are like the best actors in the whole place. And this is like the preferred role, so it’ll be really cool and engaging.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, but you can’t check it out. You’re starting to smell.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that’s kind of rude.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re gonna check it out.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I mean, you’ve always smelled. I just never said anything.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton? That’s rude. I used the term “started”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, but Blat, come on. The smell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? What smell?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Come on, Blat. You know the smell’s there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re dripping, man. You’re dripping. Just five minutes. That’s all we’re asking. Just take off… the marinara, if that makes you feel any better.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We did go through the Italian place, didn’t we?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And maybe this was some sort of Italyland mishap.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Let’s say that’s what happened.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s what happened.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And we’re going to ignore the tooth and the finger.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. Now, what about the toe?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord, you found a toe?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It was in my pocket.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It was in your pocket?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it’s unusual how it did that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I love the fact that there’s no higher part of you that’s questioning why that might be.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I am questioning it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, did you kill someone?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord, you’re just gonna throw that out all of a sudden?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry. Look at him. He’s covered in gore, and he’s juggling a finger and a toe!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

He’s probably in shock or something. Look, I didn’t want to say this earlier, but if this one turns out to be a psycho killer, we could just trade him in for the alternate Eggerton!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s true.

No, wait. You have to tell us what happened back there.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(humming circus music)

Toe, toe, toe—finger!

Do you see how quickly I can do that now? I’ve got, like, very little practice, but I can get them all up in the air, and then—Oh, look, I’ve got this little ID card that’s looped around my pocket here, and I can throw it into the mix, and now there’s three things going.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Wait, there’s an ID card now?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Grab it. Grab that ID card!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What does it say?

SEAN

It says “Agent 45”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It just says “Agent 45”. There’s no person’s name on this.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What does that mean?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, um, this is an ID card for Agent—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry. Agents have ID cards? Is that a good idea if you’re trying to go undercover or something?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I guess they assume when they do their agenting or spying or whatever that no one’s going to look inside their pockets or wallets, I guess?

SEAN

On the back of it is the Wisney Corp logo.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait a minute…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A Wisney spy.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, so that woman who went off with Eggerton…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Was a spy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Did she try to hurt you, Eggerton?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I find that a lot of people hurt me when they leave.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And she apparently did that.

MIKE

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Suddenly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, she was there and then she wasn’t. I remember that. So, yeah, it was pretty sudden. I mean, that happens sometimes, though.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, what happened right before Eggerton? Was there anyone else involved?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um, I don’t really remember. I remember she was there… And then I offered her a fairy cake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And then I was needing a towelette because I spilled something on myself.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But then we just started talking about other things and I kind of forgot about it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

After she had eaten the fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You were talking about something.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Giving her enough time to…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Run away.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Sure.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ingest the fairy cake, is I think what Blat was going to say.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, yeah, probably. I mean, they’re delicious. You’ve had them.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Not like that, I haven’t.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay! So…

(whispers)

Blat, I think he killed her with a fairy cake.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m going to go outside and see what those engines were all about.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, buddy, you just stay here and clean up a little.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And we’re just going to go outside and talk to the aviators.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, look, an eyebrow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, boy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

How did that even stay intact?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s go, let’s go.

They go outside and close the door behind them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He’s going to need therapy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m going to need therapy. He’s going to need to get locked up.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

(high-pitched fae voices)

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers yaaay!

ELI

How’s it going? It’s Eli, and here are our midroll announcements.

Thanks for tuning in. We’re getting so close to the end of this arc with a couple of special guests who will be joining us for the final two episodes.

As I speak, we are also preparing to bring Civilized, our other podcast, back to the stage at the Hamilton Fringe Festival. We’ve got ten shows this time—what are we even thinking?

Actually, it’s fine. This time we don’t have two of our cast members doing a whole other Fringe show at the very same time. We’ve got all five of our regular cast members. Sean is in it, of course, as Bob, and Kristi, who you’ve heard here playing Tekmar, plays Beatrix. And I will be there on stage improvising some sounds to go with the improvised dark comedy sci-fi shenanigans. Different guests every show. It’s going to be a blast.

And I hope you’ll come to see us if you’re in the area, or even if you’re not. We’ve had folks come in from all over. Civilized Live runs July 20th through 30th at the Staircase in Hamilton, and tickets are now on sale.

Just go to civilizepod.com for all the details that is civilizedpod.com/live.

And now it is shout-out time. Big, big thanks and love to some patrons who have been supporting us for ages and ages. And of course, insert my usual caveat about how I hope I’m getting your names right.

Thank you to Bethany, to Peter Allen, Margaret Koldinger. Just me—not me, just someone who calls themselves “just me”. Peter Lomax, Ursa Munroe, Swathi Rangarajan, Chris Vasquez, lasyat, and John Sebastian La Valle. Hey, hey! Cheers to all of you. Thank you folks in particular, and thanks to everyone for listening and spreading the word.

That’s it for me. I’ll catch you next time.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: THE LAUNCH EVENT

A crowd cheers as exciting electronic music plays.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Uh, is this on?

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

Oh, it’s him! It’s him!

Cheering and applause.

MIKE (AS AN ATTENDEE)

Look at the turtleneck!

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Alright, thank you. Alright, so, today we’re going to be talking about the portals.

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

(shouts)

Sorry, sir, is this about Portal 2.0?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Uh, you want to improve upon the portals?

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

Well, it’s a product launch. I thought you were going to be improving…

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

I’m talking about the product, but you can’t improve upon perfection. You see, I don’t know if any of you in the audience know this, but… I make portals.

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

Uh, but…

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

So you take the branch from the…

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

Sorry, sir. We came to a product launch last year—amaze, right? Transformed the world with your portals, but it’s a new product launch.

So what’s the new product?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Were you all here last year?

Mutters of “Yeah.” “Yes.”

MARISA (AS MARY)

Yeah, it was great. Remember? I’m Mary.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

(mumbles)

Ah, it’s Mary, that’s right…

More muttering.

SEAN (AS A JOURNALIST)

I’m Joseph with the Daily Herald.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Joseph… Daily Herald. So…

MIKE (AS AN ATTENDEE)

I’m Stu.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Stu.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

He’s not with the paper. He’s my friend.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

He’s your friend.

MIKE (AS AN ATTENDEE NAMED STU)

He lets me come along sometimes.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You were here last year, Stu?

MIKE (AS STU)

I was here last year, too.

MARISA (AS MARY)

Remember, he didn’t understand the technology.

MIKE (AS STU)

I just kept looking around.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, well, that’s why we should do this now. All right, buckle up!

So you take the branches from the magic tree, and you have to tie them in a way that’s circular.

MARISA (AS MARY)

Yeah. Yeah.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

But you have to make a big enough…

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Oh, here comes the new part.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

…that you can fit through.

MARISA (AS MARY)

Yeah, we did that.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Because if you can’t fit through, it don’t work.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

I’m sorry, sir. I’m sorry.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Sorry, sorry. No disrespect, but… You seem to be describing the technology you presented last year.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Yeah, this is a portal.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Yeah, but this is a new product launch. So what are you adding to the portal? Maybe there’s a new use for the portals?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You can go through the portal.

MARISA (AS MARY)

Can I take my dog?

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You could put the dog through the—

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Well, you asked that question last year.

MARISA (AS MARY)

Oh, I’m sorry. My dog’s really important to me.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Okay. Okay, this is funny. This is funny. So you make a portal, and you take, like, a rock. Ja?

MIKE (AS STU)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

You throw it through the portal. And then wherever the portal is, there’s like a person, and they’re walking, they’re thinking about their life, their job. They go, “Oh, I’m late to my meeting, making pants,” or something. And then the rock—hee hee hee—hits them out of nowhere! And they’re like, “Who threw a rock?” And there’s no one around. And you…

Soft chiming sounds from various phones all around the room.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Hey, guys, did you see this on Zwitter? Look, check your Zwitter!

MARISA (AS MARY)

What?

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

The Disney Corp is releasing a new portal technology that destroys universes.

MARISA (AS MARY)

What? Wow!

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Oh, it’s in the next room.

MIKE (AS STU)

Let’s go check it out!

The entire crowd rushes over to the next room.

SEAN (AS JOSEPH)

Oh, sorry, sorry.

There’s some new technology! Everyone, let’s go.

The door shuts. Silence.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

So you need a magic tree… and I know of one.

If you could find another one, that’d be more convenient. I always have to go back to the same park…

The door opens again.

SEAN (AS THE NEXT PRESENTER)

Sorry, I think we have this stage next.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, I’m sorry. I could get rid of my portal. What were you doing next? What was yours?

SEAN (AS THE NEXT PRESENTER)

Oh, we have a new collar that finds your dog wherever it’s lost.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

…Oh, that’s… that’s good.

SEAN (AS THE NEXT PRESENTER)

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

Oh, that’s so much better than mine.

SEAN (AS THE NEXT PRESENTER)

I’m just gonna help you move this—Oh! Whoa! I’m falling!

The presenter falls into the portal salesman’s portal and vanishes.

CARTER (AS THE PORTAL SALESMAN)

…So this collar will help you find your dog if the dog gets lost. And… bring the people back from the other room! They want to hear this!

SEAN

Scene.

Laughter.

CARTER

Collar!

Music sting.

THE PILOT

SEAN

You see a biplane right on the edge of the village.

And there is someone leaning almost seductively against the wing and eating an apple. And they turn their head and see you and they wave.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, okay, okay. Wait a second, wait a second. I feel like maybe they were waiting here seductively for a bit too long while we were inside figuring out that Eggerton’s gone cuckoo banana pants.

SEAN

It looks like a Tank Girl kind of outfit—midriff showing, dark hair, a bunch of belts, and a large wrench. And wearing boots. And sort of something seems strangely familiar about them. But you can’t place it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do we know that person?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well…

SEAN

They are a little far away.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think so. It just, it feels like a bit of a put on to me. Like why land and wait so close to the bathroom? I think they knew we were in the bathroom and they’re just standing here seductively waiting for us to come out of the bathroom. And who does that?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I agree. Because it’s all about trying to get us or murder us or, you know, do awful things to us. So I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure it’s a trap. I’m sure there’s going to be some trouble.

SEAN

They go to wave again and then they look a little perplexed and they look at the apple in their hand and they toss it down and go,

SEAN (AS THE STRANGER)

Sorry! Forgot about the incident!

SEAN

And the voice sounds a little like Moira?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What…? The apple.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What about it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You know. With you and the…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hey! No! No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You see, what you did—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t want to talk about it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

See, you thought you were doing the right thing…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, I did. I was doing the right thing—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But you did not do the right thing.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, how does that person…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And then there was a huge explosion.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, stop. Dead Blat. Dead Blat. Dead Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no! No! No! That’s unfair. Mine was a lot more recent. You have to have… dealt with yours by now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Let’s just go and talk to the person.

SEAN

They’re striding towards you, smiling.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Never mind. They’re coming.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

I wasn’t sure, but now I know, ha ha! It’s definitely you two.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah. Yeah. Heh.

(whispers)

Remember, this is probably an alternate Moira.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Hi. Hi, everyone.

Oh, sorry. Moira. In case, uh, I don’t know…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What do you mean, Moira?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

I’m Moira.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, but you don’t look like Moira.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Ah, right. Okay, cool. So I just wasn’t sure which versions of you I was meeting.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you know that there are alternates. And there are alternate yous, and there’s alternate me, and there’s alternate her.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well, yeah. Who do you think is flying all these planes?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Many Moiras?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yeah. All the ones that survived.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Survived?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re a squadron of flying Moiras.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

At your service.

Well, I mean, you’ll probably end up doing what I say to do, but technically at your service.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So, why don’t you tell us what’s going on, Moira?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, well, I don’t really know a lot. One of the Moiras managed to get a message off to the rest of us about what was happening and what we needed to do to get to safety. As tentative as this safety is here, as distasteful…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eggerton thought he knew what that message was, but we think he got it totally wrong. Something about, uh, “sixty keys magical piano” something or other. We don’t think that was right.

But he said he got that message just before… a Moira died.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yeah, Eggerton was mentioned in her message. And I won’t repeat that part.

But that Moira did die and the rest of us… sisters, we call ourselves, managed to escape. So I suppose we have never, I guess, never interacted.

Oh, wait. Was that Moira your Moira?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Up until recently, we just assumed there was just one.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh my. Oh, I’m so sorry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, well, she wasn’t that nice.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

That’s fair.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

She was a little mean to us.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Abrasive.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure. Curt.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

We can be, ha ha.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, she really didn’t like Eggerton.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

But I mean, that’s understandable.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yes, yes, we all share that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, I guess that shows you’re all the same person.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well… it’s funny, there are differences. And sometimes, you know, we’re so similar, it’s hard to get along.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You seem cooler and more interesting than our Moira.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, well, that’s sad and… thank you, I guess.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

She never mentioned any interest in aviation, for instance.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

We’ve had to learn fast.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes, I can…

So, do you work in the park?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, no.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Or… no?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

No.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So do you know the Shattering… is Wisney?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, good, good, you’re there. Okay, good, good, good, good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh good. All right.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Okay, good, good. I thought this was going to be, you know, one of those brief—I hate the briefing room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord, when we all have to try to get on the same page. No, no, that can be quite annoying. Just one more question. Um… Do you know of any Eggertons that perhaps go crazy and just are murdering people?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, then. So maybe we’re in that sort of a situation here as well.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Could we just disown our Eggerton and just get another one?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, honey.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Trust me, we’ve tried.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, if that was possible, I think we would have done that a long time ago.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

So, um, where are we at on the keys?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, we have a file!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Which is… sort of a key?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

A corporate key?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

You have the Wisney corporate key?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes!

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, thank… whoever is left of the goddesses.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’re losing goddesses now, too. This is getting bad.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I wish we could lose your goddess.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(sighs)

I’m thinking of her more as like a Wisney brain tumour at this point.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ugh.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

You’re losing me a little, but it’s okay, it’s okay. Time is a little fractured at the moment.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s fine. So we’ve got the one key, which is the corporate key in this file. And we also know that there’s another key, which is…

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well, you also have Eggerton, right?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, you do know that Eggerton is the key.

(shouts)

Eggsy, how we doing cleaning the key?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(shouts back)

What key?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re the key!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

For what?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The plan to stop evil!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah, hold on, let me get my notebook.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, you don’t need to…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’ll find it. Don’t worry, it’s in here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why do you remind him of that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought he would just remember that he was Eggsy.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, is he going to give the message?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, this is the Moira message.

Eggerton emerges from the bathroom.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey Moira! You look different.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Thanks, Eggsy. You look a little…

There’s something on your arm.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, it’s a fingernail.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So it’s “Find the sixty keys dead end find the three keys and the Nexus read it back stop writing I’m.”

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We assure you, whatever the last Moira said, that wasn’t it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, that’s what she said. She said, “Find the sixty keys dead end find the three keys and the Nexus read it back stop writing I’m.”

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yeah, I do believe that was her saying “read it back.” She was trying to give Eggerton an important message.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it was “Find the sixty keys dead end find the three keys and the Nexus read it back stop writing I’m.”

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He’s very literal.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yes.

So, um, well, we’re here. You have two keys.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So we’re done, right? Can you just take over now? Can you just take all this key stuff and fix it and then make the Wisney Corporation go away? Because we did what Moira wanted us to do. You know, we went out and we fought all these things and we found all these things.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

The Moiras, plural.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

You did what the Moiras wanted you to.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we only knew there was one Moira.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

That’s fair.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There’s more than one Moira? This isn’t the same Moira?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How can you not…? She doesn’t look anything like our Moira.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, but sort of. I mean, if you close your eye and squint your other eye, you can kind of see it.

SEAN

She kisses you on the cheek.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh my! Thank you.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

You’re welcome.

He is adorable in a strange way.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

In a strange way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Strange. Very strange.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

No, no, I have no idea necessarily how we’re going to fix this. We are actually here to support you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, wait, wait. We know we had to go to the beach to go to a certain tree. That had something to do with it. Now, we were heading that way, but then we saw that there was some sort of great army on the beach.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

There is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Protecting the tree.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

There is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But if you have planes, maybe then the Moiras could get us past the armies and just sort of land by the tree.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

They have anti-aircraft.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I see. So…

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

I don’t recommend flying at all. It’s quite evolved. It’s the latest Balgomar tech, I think, at the last rank.

But we are here to help you. Whether that’s create a diversion or an outright attack, you’re going to need, I hate to say it… a general.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Could you excuse me for a moment?

Laughter. Carter leaves the table and stands in the corner again.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The first one’s going to be the general?! We have to take orders from… He doesn’t even know a person blow up! How could you not know a person blew up?! He’s covered in parts. He has the IQ of a turnip! How am I… And there’s more than one! We gotta keep the first one that kills people! The second one didn’t kill people! We’re not taking orders from him!

Carter returns to the table.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(calm again)

…I think you’ll find that Eggerton is a general.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I am!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, God.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well, we are in your service, General. But I think a general’s going to need an HQ.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

He doesn’t know what that is.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, a Hatquarters.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

So, basically… you’ve probably seen, Wisney has assembled all the places of power, or of interest, from every dimension he can find. And all of us Moiras managed to snag our way—well, the ones that made it—into one of those places of power. So those of us that picked correctly were here.

So, you have your choice, but it can’t be the tree. The Great Tree, of course, is what they’re protecting.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It can’t be a tree.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well, no, because…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It can’t be a tree.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

The tree is the Wisney Branch of the Central Bank of Balgomar.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I get it. It’s a branch.

Because it’s a tree.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

What? No, it’s…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

See, it’s a tree, and it’s the central branch. So it’s funny.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

It’s a central bank, but it’s the Balgomar branch of—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, exactly. It’s a branch on a tree. Okay, so the long things coming off the tree, they’re branches. And also, the second location of a bank is a branch. So it’s funny, because the branch is a branch.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It is kind of funny.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Buddy, out of all the places we’ve been to together, where would you like your Hatquarters to be?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooh, you know what I really miss? The Blatavan.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Well, you’re in luck. We spotted the Blatavan.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Really?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Wait, wait. The last time I saw the Blatavan, there was someone driving it. Someone important to the success of many, many Nexus missions in the past.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

I don’t know who’s with it or not with it. We’ve been meaning to check it out, because we, you know, it’s where one of our sisters, the one who warned us, made her last stand. But yeah, hold on.

SEAN

She toggles a device on her shoulder.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Okay, sisters. Scramble time! We’re taking these three to the Blatavan!

Plane engines rev up.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, along the way, would it be possible for me to change into perhaps a Wisney t‑shirt? And I’m feeling a little peckish. Maybe pick up some candy corn?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Yeah, I’m sure we can arrange that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, if we’re doing orders, I’d really like to get some fresh ingredients for fairy cakes. I think my last batch went bad.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! No! No! I think it’s safe to say you’re done with the fairy cake baking thing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? Silly Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think maybe you should move on to another type of cookery. Like maybe, I don’t know, Szechuan. Just pulling that out of the air.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Szechuan? What about a fairy pie?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

A fairy…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Pie.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Sure. Fairy pie.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Go for it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can’t you just take up woodworking?

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Carter Siddall, Michael Howie, and Marisa King.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Ren and Becky Arenivar.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE: THE LAST WORD

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Can’t you just take up woodworking?

Silence.

MIKE

…I can’t come up with a joke for that quickly enough. I’m sorry.

CARTER

That’s why that’s the last line, you see.

MIKE

Yeah.

CARTER

So that’s it.

MIKE

Yeah, it’s a good blow line.

Laughter.