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61: Help Wanted

As they prepare to do battle with the forces of evil, Blat, Darcy and Eggerton must embark on a new quest to find reinforcements. But first: shopping!

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Marisa King and Michael Howie
Dialogue editing and transcription: Michael Howie
Additional material and sound design: Eli McIlveen
Story consultant: Laura Packer
Game consultant: Stephen Smith

Content Warning: Impending war, physical assault, tooth damage, innuendo, animal attacks and customer service nightmares.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(shell-shocked)

There was a… and then… and now I…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton, did you kill someone?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh Lord, you’re just gonna throw that out all of a sudden?!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sorry! Look at him, he’s covered in gore and he’s juggling a finger and a toe!

SEAN

The three of you are standing in front of a replica of a certain fae village.

Pop!

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

Hi guys!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh hi!

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

I’m Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m Eggerton!

MIKE (AS WISNEY EGGERTON)

Really?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why? Why can’t there just be one Eggerton?

MIKE (AS BOTH EGGERTONS)

It’s the alarm!

The alarm!

It’s the alarm!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Why are there planes here?

SEAN

You see a biplane right on the edge of the village.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do we know that person?

SEAN

Like a Tank Girl kind of outfit, a bunch of belts, and a large wrench. Something seems strangely familiar.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Hi everyone, Moira.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re a squadron of flying Moiras.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

At your service.

Where are we at on the keys?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, we have a file!

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

You have the Wisney corporate keys?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes!

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Thank… whoever is left of the Goddesses.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We know we had to go to a certain tree, but then we saw that there was some sort of great army on the beach.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

There is. The tree is the Wisney branch of the Central Bank of Balgomar.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Heh, I get it. It’s a branch.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Okay sisters, scramble time! We’re taking these three to the Blatavan.

The music ends. Blat’s voice slowly fades into the distance.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, along the way, would it be possible for me to change into perhaps a Wisney t‑shirt?

And I’m feeling a little peckish. Maybe pick up some candy corn?

MOIRA’S PLANE

Dramatic music.

SEAN

The war camp around the giant tree goes as far as the eye can see. It must be miles deep.

And at the edges is the theme park—still with people with day passes going around and getting on rides.

And in the air is a biplane with a really cool-looking Moira flying it and signalling and slowly banking and starting to approach for a landing as she shouts over the wind…

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Do you still want to go to the mall for food before you recruit?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m pretty snacky myself and I think it would be a good thing to have some nutrition in us!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Also, isn’t this the enemy army? I don’t think we can recruit from them!

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Yeah, I’m banking left. There’s a mall right over there. You can get food and your t‑shirt you wanted!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I just feel that if we’re going to recruit people, me being topless isn’t a good look.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Actually, I think it might improve your chances! Winky-wink!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well! The old Moira was certainly a lot less playful.

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

Ha ha!

Darcy’s being very quiet. Are you good to go to the mall, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not hungry.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not hungry!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

(sighs)

SEAN (AS COOL MOIRA)

I’m landing!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Somehow I heard the sigh.

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Carter Siddall, Marisa King, and Michael Howie.

Episode 61: Help Wanted.

PARKING LOT

SEAN

The plane has come to a stop. It’s only trashed a few vehicles, and three of you are getting out.

And Moira is popping the hood—I guess it’s a hood on a plane?—and checking the engine.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

I’m going to work on Betsy here while you guys go get what you need from the mall, and then I’ll take you wherever you need to go to recruit your army. I hope you all have a lot of friends. It’s a pretty big army around that tree!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, these two were actually part of a major television production here in the park.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Are… are you talking about the show where you just got shocked for entertainment?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Shock Kitchen, exactly!

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

All right, I’m going to work on Betsy here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, everyone remember we’re in P‑22, the biplane on top of the minivans in P‑22. I don’t want to get lost looking for this thing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Somehow I don’t think we’re going to forget that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, P‑22, we’ll see. We’ll see, won’t we Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Whether we forget that we landed a biplane on top of two minivans.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

In lot P‑22, yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t think there will be another one in this lot. I…

Oh, no, no, I can actually see another one over there.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Son of a Loxsyn. Okay, we’re the one in P‑22.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you. Now let’s get inside and find some friends.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now… I don’t have any Wisney Credits. Do you still have any of those old train tickets that maybe I could barter to get a shirt?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I actually used all of those to get new ingredients for fairy cakes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You traded train tickets to get ingredients for fairy cakes? Also, I thought we were done making the fairy cakes after the, you know—

(mimics the sound of a messy explosion)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I think the decision was that we were going to try fairy pies, which are structurally very similar to fairy cakes, so I still need the sugars and I still need the, you know, the batters and all the other things that go into it. And just a different kind of crusty shell. It’s flaky. You want it flaky is the key.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Fairy pie.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, yeah. So I got Wisney, um, Flaky Pie Crust with my train tickets.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m hoping it just rolls off the tongue as easy. Fairy pie.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Fairy pie.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fairy pie.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Fairy 3.14.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Betsy’s looking good. Oh, you’re all still down there. I’ll hop down.

Sorry again for the van, sir.

All right, uh, well, what’s going on? I thought you were all going to go on in and get some t‑shirts and some food.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It takes us a long time to achieve anything.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

That checks, that checks.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think we can probably get that on a t‑shirt inside, but we’re a little short maybe on Wisney Credits?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, oh, yeah, no, I don’t have any.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You don’t have any?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t have any.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, I do have a bunch of day passes. Maybe you could order those.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, sure, yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that’s good! We could, we could barter with those. Great. Great.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Here you go. I’ll grab some from this pocket. Wait, wait, here’s another. No, here’s another.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

These are several.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Wait, my backpack. Dumping it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord. Um, okay, that’s a lot of day passes. How did you get so many day passes?

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

One of the Moiras works in the factory.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Really?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Interesting.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Day passes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Interesting. Day passes. Okay, well, uh, this is about all that I can carry. I’m hoping that’s good for one t‑shirt just, to keep everything covered up.

Day pass?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think I’ll need one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You can trade it in for something to eat maybe or…?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m not hungry. I don’t understand how you guys are worried about t‑shirts and food when we’re about to fight apparently a huge war. You know, we could just die. There’s a likelihood everyone else will die and all you’re worried about is getting a, “Hey, I went to Wisney and all I got was this stinking t‑shirt” t‑shirt.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gasps)

Do you think they have one of those?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I hope so. Maybe with the rat ears on it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that would be good. That would be good call. Good call, Darcy. All right.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you see what I deal with, Moira too? Do you understand?

Is that a Loxsyn symbol?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Have you, um, felt anything on it?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t say I’ve felt anything recently, no.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Hmm. I was just hopeful with the tree here. So some of the Moiras think maybe with the tree here as a source of power for Loxsyn, and also the dark one, that maybe there’s a chance some of the goddesses survived.

Oh well. Okay. Yeah, I see what you mean. I have some sandwiches in the plane if you want.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ooh, I could go for a sandwich.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Not for you. Go to the mall. It’s over there. Take some of those…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, okay.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Go. Just go.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m going. I’m going. I’m going. I’ll go check it out. I’ll go check it out. Go check out the mall by myself. I can do that.

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

You too, sexy. Go on.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m already going!

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

Oh, doy…

In the distance, we can hear tinkling harp music.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

See? You can hear it. Just listen…

(hums)

“Just one dimension and that’s all…”

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It really gets in your head, doesn’t it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, yeah. Like, I think there’s one spot where they’re playing it all the time. It just…

SEAN (AS NEW MOIRA)

If we get in a cockpit, we won’t be able to hear them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You can always hear them. They’re always in my head.

SHOPPING

A clothing store. Muzak plays softly.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Doo doo doo… Oh, sir. So you’ve tried on all the t‑shirts. Can I help you at all?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well—

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Maybe try one of the other ones on that you’ve rejected?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The problem is you need a lot of space in the back for the wings, but then if there’s a lot of space back there, it becomes very flappy in the front.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

I know. I got you. You know, maybe you should try one of the other stores. Maybe they have something a little more fitting for you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I would try that. It’s just that I’ve got some friends in a plane outside, and they’re kind of telling me I need to hurry along.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

I’ve gotta start, like, you know, refolding all these.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Yes, the refolding. Well, listen, I guess I’ll just settle up with this one. Now, I don’t have any… credits.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

But, but, but, if you could just keep your voice down—

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Keep my voice down? You spent an hour in here!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Just a moment.

(whispers)

I have… day passes.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

We all have day passes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no. I have… a lot of day passes.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

(furtive)

Don’t pull that out here!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m telling you—keep cool! You’ve gotta keep cool! All right!

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

What are you… Here, here, why don’t you go to the dressing room. I’ll give you the shirt you want, and these other shirts, you can just leave something in those other shirts in the dressing room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! I getcha. So that’s where I’m going to be—

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Yeah, just, okay here you go! Going in.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, all right, okay. Ooh, maybe I can get two shirts out of this situation—

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Hey!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…So just the one.

SEAN (AS SALESPERSON)

Don’t push it, okay?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, all right, very good.

THE FOOD COURT

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

So, which of our refreshments would you like, sir?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ummm… it’s hard to choose because they all look so good.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

They do!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Could you tell me about this one?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

This one here?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

The chocolate sprinkles one?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Chocolate sprinkles, it just looks so tasty.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

It is! It’s chocolate sprinkles on a chocolate base.

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER IN LINE)

Excuse me, I’m in a rush. Are you almost done?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I’m just getting some information, sorry. I’ll just be a moment. And what about this one?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

That’s peppermint.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Peppermint sprinkles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Peppermint sprinkles. And then this one?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Vanilla.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Vanilla.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Vanilla sprinkles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

With sprinkles, okay. And then this?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Ginger.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ginger.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Cardamom.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Cardamom.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Cinnamon.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Cinnamon.

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER IN LINE)

I’m sorry, but you’ve done this a few times. Can you just pick one?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s a focus thing for me, so can we just…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

You did ask me to do them in alphabetical order last time, sir.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But what if we do it…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

You are taking up some time.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What if we do it by, like, pH balance instead? Maybe that’ll help me.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

We haven’t diagnosed that here.

SEAN (AS CUSTOMER IN LINE)

Oh, that’s it. I’m going to Pineapple Julius. I’m out of here.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Oh, dear.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s okay. He don’t want customers like that person who just has endless amounts of money and…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

And so efficient and quick in his transaction.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, that’s no fun.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Why would we want that? Ha ha.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, you want to delve into it with… Okay, so let’s talk viscosity.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Viscosity.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Viscosity.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

You know, what we sell here, sir, is happiness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Happiness.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

We just sell happiness! That’s why there’s so many sprinkles on everything.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ohhh!

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

(brittle)

And it takes me eight hours to put all those sprinkles on, starting at 5.30 a.m.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That sounds like a lot of work.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

So would you just like some happiness?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Can you show me what the happiness looks like?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

The chocolate sprinkles…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Those look like chocolate sprinkles.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

It represents happiness!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so it’s a representative happiness, not a true, like, isolinear happiness.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Well, I think the isolinear happiness happens on the rides.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

On the rides.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Yeah, and this is the metaphorical happiness.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This is metaphorical.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Here in the treats.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so if I want a metaphorical happiness, could you tell me more about this first one?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

The chocolate.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

With the sprinkles.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes. Can you tell me more about the chocolate with sprinkles metaphorical happiness?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

It’s chocolate, so it always makes people happy.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Okay, so I’ve cinched it at the front, which allows the shirt to fit, but I’m worried I’d look a little bit like a teenage girl.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Hey, sir. Psst.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, yes?

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Large demon guy talking to yourself.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I was actually talking to my friend here who is taking up all the time here at the, uh, dessert cart.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s anticipation is really the sweetest flavour of them all.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right, right. They just told us we gotta hurry up.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Psst!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And just a second, this guy over here seems to want something.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This mysterious guy?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The mysterious guy, exactly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, yes!

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Yeah, hey, I, uh, are you looking to buy?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Well, I have the shirt and my friend here was getting something to eat.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

It’s not for him. I got an offer for you.

You look like a smart guy, but are you… looking to buy?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Again, I got the shirt…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Gerald, can you take your shady dealings elsewhere, please? I have a line.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Yeah, right, Cheryl.

Look, I got one day passes, one week passes, month passes…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, passes! Yeah, I got a lot of passes!

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You see, I’m not sure what the denominations are.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Son of a…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

One day, one day, one day.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

You could’ve told me, Cheryl.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

I didn’t know! He’s new!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Ooh! This one says a week—

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Hey, this is mine. Hey, hey, hey, get your own. Get your own. This is where I work.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, this is mine. These are mine. They were given to me.

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

Yeah, get your own space. Take your friend and…

This is where I work. And Cheryl, this is where Cheryl…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Gerald, I’m trying to sell happiness. Could you stop just displaying your day passes for all the children to see?

SEAN (AS SHADY GUY)

All right.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, um, Eggsy, have you got something to eat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, I’m just about to make my decision. Could you just…

Just tell me a bit more about this chocolate with sprinkles. What vintage is it?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

I don’t know what you mean by vintage.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s how long has it been fermenting for—

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

This morning.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

This morning?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

This morning it was made.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s very new.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

It’s very new.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s fresh. That’s good.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Yes, isn’t that what you would like?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, sometimes you want a fermented…

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Do you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

…slightly viscous chocolate with sprinkles.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Really.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sometimes what you want is a less viscous, slightly sour vanilla with sprinkles. But if you twirl them together, do you know what you get?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

I don’t.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

A swirl. Do you have a swirler back there?

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

We don’t have a swirler.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You don’t have a swirler.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Buddy, again, I’m dressed like I’m literally a 15-year-old girl. We’re having to make a few sacrifices here. So maybe just pick a meal that isn’t 100% perfect and that we could just be on our way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I need you to close that silly mouth of yours and never say that to me again because there is no such thing as an imperfect meal. They’re all perfect in their own way.

MARISA (AS DESSERT CART SERVER)

Oh, so then you can purchase one!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, then it doesn’t matter what you order then if it’s going to be perfect.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, it’s going to be perfect for that specific meal. I just don’t know if that’s the one I want or will fully enjoy.

THE PARKING LOT

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

They’ve been in there a long time, huh?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, this is what they do. They drag their feet. They’re probably in there having some stupid conversation like Eggerton’s going on about, “Oh, if only I could find some information for fairy cakes. I’ll get some fairy cakes.” And Blat’s probably saying, “Eggerton, you’re a stupid idiot. Why are we having fairy cakes?” And they’ll just go on and on like that forever. And I’m tired. I’m tired of having to move them along because that’s always what I do. So we’re just going to sit here. We’re just going to sit here and wait. It could be hours. It could be days.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, hey, guys.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you’re back.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I was having a hard time choosing so I got one of each.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(slurps loudly)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(winded)

There was a guy with passes and then when I said I wanted to pay for his treats with passes, he got very upset and he struck me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, there’s actual little birds flying around Blat’s head. I’ve never seen that before outside of a fae village.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But you’re back. You’re ready to go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I’m having problems opening this eye, but other than that, yes, I’m ready to go.

Does this make me look like a teenage girl who’s recently been beaten up?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fantastic. We’re on our way.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Can I borrow a scrunchie, Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I don’t have a scrunchie. I don’t even have long hair!

They get into Moira’s plane.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay. What’s up first? Where are we going for your recruiting efforts?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, definitely not the guy who just struck me. I don’t think he’d be into helping us.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it was Gerald. If we have Gerald on the list, we should probably cross that off.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, well, we’re leaving the mall.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, yeah, but I’m just saying we don’t need to come back if Gerald’s on the list. We don’t need to come back to get Gerald. So if he’s on the list, you should cross him off.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, I can sort of see why some of the Morias are a little, you know, like, “Really, these are the three? Ha ha ha!”

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s pretty surprising that the three brilliant people that we are all got together.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, yeah. Really surprising. What did you say, Darcy? Really surprising, huh?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Very, very surprising.

Moira starts the engine.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, so where’s first on the list? Let’s get old Betsy up in the air. It’s going to be a hard lift. We’re coming right off the van here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Also not Cheryl.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Right. Okay, so I need a positive, like a…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, weren’t we going to go find the Blatavan?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, yeah, we’ll take you to the Blatavan, but I thought, you know, before we go to the Blatavan, maybe we should start some recruiting.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, our friends. Yeah, we were going to look for friends.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

People may need a little time to assemble.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How do we find our friends? Aren’t we in some weird, Wisney, multi-single verse here?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yep. So let us just get this thing in the air. Here we go! It’s going to be a hard lift! And…

Moira guns the engine and they lift off.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(shouting)

Okay, so if you look over to your right, you’ll see there’s a big pirate ship floating in the air. We got Italyland. Is that Italyland? It sort of looks a little like Mexicoland, but I think it’s Italyland.

There’s a bunch of like weird frog people all around a… they’re in a circle around a fire.

Look, there’s a train. That looks like a little village out of Ireland.

There’s a soup… wow, they sell soup. I didn’t know they sold soup here. You know, there’s just like a lot of places, like anywhere you could think of.

Like, oh look, there’s the museum from Balgomar. Didn’t you start there, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, I did.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

So you know, anything you can think of, we can stop in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, those look like the Slaad down there, don’t they?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The Slaad are our old friends.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They would help us.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, the frogs! The frog people!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The Slaad people.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to… okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s very strange that this section of the park just seems to be filled with stuff that’s a variation on things that we’ve seen and places that we’ve gone.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No, it makes a lot of sense, because you see, Wisney was trying to stop you, so he was trying to suck up all the places you went. So we may have sent you on a few errands just to buy us more time in other universes and dimensions. Sorry about that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Huh, huh.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Heh. Isn’t that funny…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

But look, we got there in the end! And now you got a squadron of Moiras ready to help you out.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The ironic thing is, we’re going to be going to places where we’ve been, but the people there may not know us, because they’re the alternate versions of those people.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, there might be some confusion, but they probably know some version of you!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s true, that’s true.

THE SLAAD

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Sorry, we don’t know who you are.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

We were just sitting here eating our sandwiches without mustard, and then you walk up and expect us to just get on board with you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, see, we know alternate versions of you from another reality, so we were hoping that maybe you knew alternate versions of us from that reality.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

So you the a—-holes that gave the mustard to the alternate versions of us, but not us? Because our sandwiches are really sad.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

They’re very dry.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

One of us did provide mustard, yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I think there’s probably enough mustard for all of you, though, if you…

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Oh, you can offer it now. It’s a little late. It would be nice if you offered that before being guilted into it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But what if, instead of mustard, I give you the slightly more viscous drinks that I got from the mall?

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Drinks?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah! There’s all kinds of flavours like cinnamon and cardamom, and there’s not much chocolate left, and virtually no vanilla. It wasn’t very good anyway.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

If you have a flavour called happiness, maybe.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know what? They all have happiness in them.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

…All right, hold on.

Assemble the circle!

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Okay, everybody get in the circle. Sit down for circle.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Yeah, circle.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Circle, okay.

So if we get the desserts, and they’re very good, and we freeze them, we can make them into more things.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

No, that’s not what we’re gonna talk about. This is the fifth time these three have come to us with some insane scheme!

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

I know we said we were gonna pretend we’ve never seen them before to try and get more stuff off of them, but, you know…

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

I want to know what happiness tastes like!

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Okay, George. George is a vote for happiness.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

I want to try the happiness too.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Really?

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

I’m curious.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Well, then maybe he just says it. He could say, “Here, look, here’s a rock. It has happiness in it. Why don’t you taste it?”

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Maybe it does have happiness. Why don’t you taste it and find out?

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Well, let’s give it to George.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Okay, George, try this rock.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

It hurts to eat it.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Do you feel happy though?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

No…

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Wait, wait. There’s a song that says, “Happiness Hurts”!

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

There is a song that says, “Happiness Hurts”! Why don’t you sing it for us?

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

(cracking up a little)

I don’t think I remember it.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

I’m pretty sure you do. You sang it last night!

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Oh, you know… “Oh, happiness, it hurts!”

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

That was pretty good.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Thanks.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Okay.

SEAN (AS OTHER LAZBO)

Okay, so maybe it is happiness in the drinks.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Maybe it is. Well, I think the only way to find out is to try the drink.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

It’s not in the rock. It’s not.

MIKE (AS OTHER HELEN)

Do we have any dentists?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

I’m in a lot of pain. All I wanted to do is taste happiness. Someone help me.

MOIRA’S PLANE

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, well, you got some frog people now. That’s a good sign. Right, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, I mean, I hope they’ll be good warriors? I’m not sure.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, don’t you remember that time that Blat bought them and it was very, very close?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, okay…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

All right, well, you know, it’s a start. A good start, right? Good start. You got a yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Did you see all the blood that was coming out of that one guy’s mouth though?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It looked like he bit a rock or something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why would you do that?!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I have no idea. That seems insane. Even the idea.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, Eggerton, you’ve done that about eight times.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but the difference is I thought they might be cake.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that’s probably what he thought.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

He thought they were cake? Do you think they have cake? Can we go back and see if they have cake?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Rock cake!

MIKE AND CARTER (AS EGGERTON AND BLAT)

Rock cake! Rock cake! Rock cake!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Wow, you were so right, Darcy.

Okay, where’s next? Where do you want to stop?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(lowers his voice)

…I’m sorry, um, is there a bathroom around here that maybe we can try real quick?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Is someone mumbling back there, Darcy?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t hear anything.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Again, just maybe a quick pit stop. I should have gone during the t‑shirt buying expedition, but I was struck in the face—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Are you saying you need to go to the bathroom, Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes! I’m saying, can I please go to the bathroom? I was afraid to go where the guy assaulted me!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You should have gone before we left.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

He struck me in the face!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

You had every opportunity to go, where we were.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, well there’s the town of Paradox. Why don’t we stop there? They probably have some bathrooms if there’s… ha ha… well, the Nexus did.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…Paradox?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, remember you opened the apple and let the Shattering in and destroyed and killed everything?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No… I don’t…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I remember it very clearly because I was there and you thought you were going to help, but you actually made a terrible, terrible time and life altering mistake the guilt of which probably will wrack your soul until your dying breath.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you remember the person goo that was just all over you?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Landing!

PARADOX

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

(humming gloomily to himself)

Hmm hmm… Setting up the stall. Another bad day of sales, I’m sure. Apple… the one peach I have…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Hello. I was wondering two quick things.

Number one, would you like to join our army?

Number two, do you have a bathroom I might be able to use?

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

…Martha? Martha?

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

Yes?

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

Lock the door.

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

Why? You have to sell the peach.

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

The three… are back.

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

The three?!

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

They’re back.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So you know alternate versions of us…

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

Please don’t hurt us!

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

Shut the door! Shut the door!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no, no!

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

Please! Don’t destroy my house!

The couple slam the door in Blat’s face.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, no, no! We’re not looking to hurt anybody! We just… really, at this point…

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

Wait. Open the door, Martha! Open the door!

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

Oh, all right—

SEAN (AS FRUIT SELLER)

I’m taking that peach!

Okay, close the door, Martha! Close the door!

MARISA (AS MARTHA)

Closing the door!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I didn’t want your peach. I’m not here for a peach…

So that’s a no on the bathroom?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hey, Blat, I just peed into the waterfall. You should try that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Eh, forget it. I’ll just go against their house.

MOIRA’S PLANE

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Well, they can’t all be winners. You know, you gotta strike out a little bit. Here, let’s bank this way.

Uh, I don’t know. You wanted to use a bathroom. Why don’t we go to Italyland? Even though it says it’s Mexicoland now.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Really? They changed it? I didn’t realize that Mexicoland was the old Italyland.

Well, the reason they changed was because of a suggestion that I made. So maybe they’ll be so happy, they’ll be willing to join our army. Maybe we should try recruiting them!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay! Ha ha, sure thing, buddy! Okay, landing the plane!

MEXICOLAND

A mariachi version of the same melody we’ve heard in Italyland and Germanyland.

MIKE (AS COOK)

Uh, would you like to try a burrito? They’re, um, Mexican, I guess?

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Hey! What are you doing out?

MIKE (AS COOK)

What?

SEAN (AS WAITER)

I’m in the front. Get in the back!

MIKE (AS COOK)

I wanted to be in the front.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Get in the back!

MIKE (AS COOK)

(sighs)

You always make me go in the back.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Let’s not get into our sexual preferences. Just get in the kitchen.

MIKE (AS COOK)

Fine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Gentlemen!

MIKE (AS COOK)

What? Is that the guy that… he came out that one time when we…

SEAN (AS WAITER)

He stiffed us! Get him!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What? What?

Aaaaaa! Aaaa! Oh! No!

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Think you can run and not pay!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

(gasping)

No, I have day passes! I have day—take as many day passes as you want!

SEAN (AS WAITER)

That’s a lot of day passes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s… Okay, let’s get those inside. Let’s just…

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Okay. Drag him inside! Drag him!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Aack! Gack!

The restaurant workers drag Blat in and shut the door.

MIKE (AS COOK)

All right, so what do you want? We’ve got your day passes. We won’t get you, I guess.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Fellas… Hasn’t your business been doing better?

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Weren’t you with someone nice when you were here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes! They’re outside, I…

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Oh wow, you’re still together? I totally… I lost. Here’s two passes.

MIKE (AS COOK)

Thank you. All right, in the pocket…

SEAN (AS WAITER)

You’re right. They broke up.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What? No! We weren’t ever together… never mind.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Wait, they weren’t ever together?

MIKE (AS COOK)

Hold on, we need to clarify this. No, hold on. You’re together.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

No, no, wait. I think I get the passes back.

MIKE (AS COOK)

No, wait, hold on. So it’s not that you’re not in a couple, but you’re together together, right? You two, you go in the kitchen together, right? You know what I’m saying.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Go into the kitchen together?

MIKE (AS COOK)

You go into the kitchen together, yeah. You bang some pots and pans.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

You know, you go into the vegetable drawer. You both reach into the vegetable drawer at the same time.

MIKE (AS COOK)

She’s looking for an apple, you’re looking for a banana. You know what we’re saying.

Those are fruits, but you know, same thing.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

We’ve… eaten together, if that’s what you’re intimating—

MIKE (AS COOK)

Okay, yeah, all right. I told you. I told you.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Ha ha ha! Right. Right. Eating in the kitchen. Okay, you get the passes.

MIKE (AS COOK)

I’m keeping those day passes.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

All right, fine. All right, what do you want?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, we were wondering if perhaps you’d like to join our army against evil?

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Hold on, wait a sec. Join an army… Wait, wait. What benefits you got?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Well, you took all my passes.

MIKE (AS COOK)

Do you have dental?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, how about this? If this park that you worked in became less evil, maybe they’d offer you dental.

MIKE (AS COOK)

That’s a pretty good point. We could use the dental.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

No, no, no. We need like a short thing. Okay, so no dental. What about time off?

MIKE (AS COOK)

Oh, time off. Loo time.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Yeah, loo time. What about loo time?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, if you came with me right now, you wouldn’t have to finish your shift here.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Done. Okay.

MIKE (AS COOK)

Let’s do it!

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Hang it up!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Sir, yes, sir! Off we go to war!

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Yeah! Woo hoo!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So is this stuff better than the noodle food?

MIKE (AS COOK)

It’s the same.

SEAN (AS WAITER)

Yeah, pretty much the same.

MIKE (AS COOK)

We use the burrito machine instead of the spaghetti machine, but it’s the same paste. We just form it differently.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s very disappointing. Okay, off we go!

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

Hey, hey, it’s Eli here with the announcements for the antepenultimate episode of this arc. I hope you’re all having a good summer, or winter as the case may be.

It’s July now, and yes, that means that in just a couple weeks, Sean and Kristi and the whole cast of Civilized will be back on stage at the Hamilton Fringe Festival here in Hamilton, Ontario. Special guests to include Carter Siddall and Michael Howie. Check the schedule for details. It’s going to be improvised sci-fi comedy mayhem, and I’ll be there doing live sound.

We hope you can make it. Civilized Live runs July 20–30, 2023. For tickets and other details, just go to civilizedpod.com/live.

Time for shoutouts to our long-running Patreon patrons, including some superstars this week. Thanks and much love to Chiara, to Kayla, Claire Denham, the fabulous Amy Johnson, Silent Umbra, Reuben Nelson, Jonathan Bell, Susan Wolber, and Ren, our stalwart Supporting Producer.

Thank you, thank you so much to them, and to all our supporters on Patreon, and thank you, yes you, for listening. Bye for now.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: DELIVERY

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Hello? Hello, is anyone here? I’ve got your Stuper order.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes! You have the order.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah, do you—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

That is my order, then.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

You do not have someone else’s order.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I don’t. Are you… I can’t really read the label that clearly. It looks sort of like a C? Or is that a…

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes, C is correct.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

C‑U, no C‑E-N…

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

C‑E-N, yes.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Cen… Centaur?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Centaur.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Are you a centaur?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

No, I am not a centaur.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

You’re not a—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

My legs are my own and do not belong to that of another species.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Um, I don’t think that’s what a centaur is, but let’s keep going. I’ve learned to just roll with those ways from the older delivery people. Uh, Centurion?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Centurion is correct.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

That’s right, okay—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes, I am the Centurion, yes.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Okay, do you want to just come down a bit and I can give you the bag?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

No, I have to stay up here on my parapet and guard this building against the invaders that are sure to come. But I’m glad you have my order.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

So—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Hurl my order. Hurl my order upwards.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

You’re 20 stories up.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Hurl it! It’s not my fault that the app has presented a weakling to me with my order.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I don’t think I’m weak. I just pedalled all the way over here.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Oh, so then hurl it with your legs.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I can’t do that.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Put it between your feet and launch it like a catapult, mightily into the air. I will snatch it. Snatch it, for I am very hungry.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

But that’s not how the human body works.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

…Are you a centaur?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

No, I’m a human.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Ah! That is why your legs are so much more powerful than the rest of you and why you confuse me for a centaur, because you are a centaur.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

No, it’s because I’m on the bike all the time and it’s really good cardio, actually. My heart health is—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Ahhhh. So you are not part animal. You are part bicycle. You are some sort of man-machine hybrid!

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

No, that’s actually—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

You are the way of the future, my friend. And so I salute you.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

But you see…

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Now, I am very hungry. You do not probably need to eat because you are a half robot.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I actually stopped on the—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

But if you hurl, hurl it into the air, I will snatch it in my mighty hand.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Okay, so—

SEAN (AS BUILDING RESIDENT)

Oh, hi. Hello.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Hi. What?

SEAN (AS BUILDING RESIDENT)

Sorry. Are you here with the centurion’s order?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yes! Yes, I am.

SEAN (AS BUILDING RESIDENT)

Oh, yes. Would you like to use the elevatron?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

There’s an—Oh, perfect. Yeah, I’ll use the elevatron.

SEAN (AS BUILDING RESIDENT)

Okay, yeah. He gives a hard time to all the new delivery folks, ha ha.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Oh, yeah, ha ha! It was funny.

So I’ll just—You can use your card and I’ll step in.

SEAN (AS BUILDING RESIDENT)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to take it up.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Okay, yeah, okay, yeah.

Elevator music.

Ding!

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Mr. Centurion.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Oh, wait. I cannot talk to you. I’m trying to talk to the person down here below, but I see that they have vanished.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Uh, no, that—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Where did they go? They were talking to that woman.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah, that’s me.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Where did they go?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I’ve got your food.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

You’ve got my food.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yes.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

You’ve got my food. So that person gave it to you? Who are you, living in my elevatron?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I don’t live—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

That you are taking my food from the people that come because of the app.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Do you control the music?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Did you see him? He’s half bicycle, you know.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Really?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

That’s interesting. Okay, wait. Half bicycle? Like which half?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

The bottom half, obviously. What, you want a bicycle for a head?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Well, that’s what I was wondering—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

How would you get around in life?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I don’t know.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

People saying, “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the symphony?” And it would just be a wheel spinning.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Very complicated. But I’ve got a—Okay, so I’m gonna maybe just leave the food on the ground here for you.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes, leave it there.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah, let’s keep a bit of distance.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

I’m guarding the parapet.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

The parapet is well guarded.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Yes.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

There’s a coupon in there.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Oh, a coupon!

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah, if on your next order you really want to support some local thespians, you can go to OtherBothers.com and click on the Patreon link. You get access to a Discord, special episodes, early things. It’s really awesome and helps support the show.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Thespians!

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Thespians.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Ohhh, I think there are many of them in this park.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Yeah, there are actually—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

They are dressed like other animals, you see!

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

They’re wearing costumes.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

Animals that are used in children’s entertainment.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

Well, it’s all families, I’d say.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

I think it’s twisted. It’s twisted. It’s not of this earth. Being a person in a costume inside of a costume.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

There is—

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

How many costumes are underneath there?

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

I don’t think there’s any.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

They have their clothes, but then they have the clothes of a cartoon character and they’re wearing the cartoon character’s flesh.

MIKE (AS DELIVERY PERSON)

No, I—wait, are you the one who’s been chopping off people’s heads?

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

I’m guarding the parapet! At all costs! Centurion, centurion, centurion…

Laughter.

SEAN

Scene.

MIKE

I think it was brilliant.

Music sting.

CARTER (AS CENTURION CENTURION)

How did I get in this park?!

A DIFFERENT PARKING LOT

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Hey Darcy, um, while they’re in there, like, look. I know it sometimes feels like you’re just up against this never-ending wall, but we sent a lot of your teams in.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you mean us? Alternate us-es?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, right. Look how many—look at this fleet of Moiras. This is just the ones who survived. Every universe, every metaverse sent the team of three in. You’re the only team of three that’s made it this far.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

We’re your last hope?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yeah, well, heh, maybe don’t say it like that, um—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Have you met Blat and Eggerton?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

More times than you can—

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But I mean, this Blat and Eggerton?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

…Trust me, there’s worse Blats and worse Eggertons… and there’s a lot worse Darcys.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

And I… I think you’re the linchpin. When Darcy gives up, that’s it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I—I don’t know really how I can help—

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Look, here they come.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, I convinced two guys in this restaurant to meet us there by the beach once we’ve amassed our army, so that’s… two more! How many more people do you think we need?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

One thousand seven hundred and thirty-two.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So we got, what, like two people?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s two.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And the Slaad.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Those two and the Slaad…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

The twelve Slaad.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So that’s fourteen out of—

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

No, no, I’ve already taken them into account.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, um—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So we need, um—

Oh, I know—I know where we can go.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, okay, good. Good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, let’s—

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

But before we go anywhere… Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh huh?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Did you use the little boys room?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I did that before—I’m fine, thank you.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

We’re not stopping this plane.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…All right, I’ll go again.

MOIRA’S PLANE

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

(shouting over the engine)

Okay, Eggsy, tell us where we’re going!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

All right, it goes—so you see down there, you see the pirate ship anchored off that little sea shanty down there?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yep, yeah, we’ve been circling it for a while.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but do you see it?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Yes, Eggerton, I see it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, we need to be there, but we’re up here. How—can you resolve that? I don’t understand the physics.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Aye, aye, captain.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

General.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

General captain, and landing on a ship! This is gonna be fun. Hold tight!

PIRATE SHIP

Seagulls and roaring waves.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yarrrrrr. What be thee doing upon our ship?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, hi, um, my name’s Darcy, and we’re going to be fighting a big battle against—

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

A battle!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

For booty!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely, I’m sure there will be booty, and we thought maybe you should come along and be part of the action, you and your parrot.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

We do like the booty, me and the parrot here.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And hopefully your other, uh, mates over there?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yeah, well it’s mostly about me and Samantha, we’re in charge.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But we’re gonna need a lot of help.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Well yes, but of course we are the leaders of the pirates here, me and Samantha.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Of course, that makes sense, you and Samantha.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yeah, we are the pirate king and pirate queen, as it were.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Absolutely, absolutely.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Right, Samantha?

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA THE PARROT)

Graawk!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

See, Samantha knows.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, uh—

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

So, what’s this booty that we are going to be questing after?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, uh, it’s treasure.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Treasure? Doubloons?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Doubloons?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Gold doubloons?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Triploons?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

A treasury, you could say.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, hey, a treasury.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

A treasury. The queen’s treasure chest.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It could be, yes.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Mm-hmm.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And, uh, it’s gonna be a lot of, uh, enemies to fight through to get there.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Enemies that we need to stab!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And swab the deck with?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

We don’t do the swabbing, me and Samantha. We’ve got lower level pirates.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, good.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

They’re intern pirates. They do the swabbing.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graaawk! Pirate minions!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

See, Samantha gets it.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Excellent. We’ll need many minions. Many, many minions.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Oh, we’ve got many of those.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Excellent.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

As long as we don’t need to pay them.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…No.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Excellent. Just the experience will do.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s right.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! Pirate interns! Experience is more important than doubloons!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Samantha’s very wise.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wow. She really is.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

She took the Wisney management course and has really used it to fight back.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! Streaming is the new theatrical!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

See? I don’t even know what that is.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Do you think he knows booty is a big butt?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know. As long as he joins our side.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay. Okay. Sorry. I’m not going.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I would think you have a lot more ships as well that you could…

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Nope. Just the one!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Just the one.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yeah. There’s 352 pirates. One ship. Me and Samantha in charge.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Explains the smell.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. I feel like it wouldn’t even stay afloat. There’s so many pirates on one ship. That’s uh…

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

It’s impressive. They stack themselves vertically. Well, they lay down horizontally and then stack vertically.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that means that they’re really good at taking orders, I would think.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Oh, they’re the best at taking orders. My pirate minions and unpaid interns. We put them through the wringer, don’t we, Samantha?

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! Booty has more than one meaning! Colloquialism! Colloquialism!

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I’m starting to like the parrot.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, usually I might have some issues with how you run your organization here.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

You have issues with my organization? Who are you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m nobody.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

What, are you from the other side of the Wisney Park? You off on the west coast?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No. Not at all. No.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

You’re gonna hug a tree and tell me not to slaughter innocent people? And pillage?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I would never do that.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Good. Then we’re on the same page, you and me.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay. All right.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

You west coast thing that you are, you’re a person, I guess?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I am indeed a person. And we are going to a tree.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

A tree!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah. We may not hug it, but we’re gonna see a tree.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Are you okay with that, though? That won’t be difficult for you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I think I’ll be okay.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Are you sure?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I think so.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

I do smell granola.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

…I did have that for breakfast.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Yes, I know you did. Me and Samantha, we know a thing or two about a thing or two.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! Crackers!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Well, and crackers. Samantha likes crackers. Do you have any crackers?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Actually, yes, I do.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

She can probably smell the crackers. If you wouldn’t mind giving her a cracker.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

What’s it worth for you?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Well, most—

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Seeing as you’re a capitalistic type.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

But, but, most—

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Big, strong—

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

I am big and strong.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Capitalistic—

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

It’s mostly that Samantha’s claws start to really dig in, though.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, look. I’m just dangling it right here.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Why are you doing that?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

This cracker—

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

It’s tantalizing. Oh, no.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! Sexual tension!

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Oh, jeez. Okay, she’s gripping me and you’re dangling that and oh. Okay, this is, this is becoming the thing I said that I would only ask to do if we win all of the booty, but now I think it’s happening anyway—

Okay, keep dangling it. Can you raise it a little?

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

There, how’s that?

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Raise the cracker. Oh, okay. That’s a good cracker.

Okay, Samantha. Samantha, when I say bite the cracker, you bite the cracker and bear down with your claws.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Bite the cracker. Bite the cracker.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Let me take Samantha off your shoulder. Oh, what a pretty bird.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

That’s, oh my.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

What a pretty bird. Here’s a cracker.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

I don’t know how I feel about this now.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Well, I just want to make sure you don’t have any problems working for a granola west coaster.

MIKE (AS PIRATE CAPTAIN)

Well, I don’t have problems working for them so long as I can maybe have some granola, too.

Secretly, I’ve always just wanted to hug a tree and have granola, but it’s not the pirate’s way.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I think we’ve come to an agreement here.

CARTER (AS SAMANTHA)

Graawk! The park is a melting pot!

MOIRA’S PLANE

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay. I think we’ve got time for one more! Where do you want to recruit next, everyone?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I do remember that there was like a league of animals that were really supportive of Darcy when we were in that mountain before we got here.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, yeah, they’re already taken care of. Yeah, look, they’re camped out already.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, there they are.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

You can see Snowball down there. I would tell you, Snowball will not shut up about you, Darcy. Really impressed.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, we did get kind of close. Yeah.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

It also doesn’t stop talking about the other two idiots, but you know…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I wonder who they are!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s very uncomfortable to know that Snowball has such a low opinion of people that we’ve probably met and spent time with!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s embarrassing for them.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Very.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

So where’s next?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I gave a suggestion and you went the other way and said no about it, which my understanding…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I didn’t say no!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You said that you already did it, which is not “yes and let’s go get them”…

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Well, I say if you want to go visit the people that have already committed, then I’m happy to take you there.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Maybe we can buzz them and wave and rally the troops.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Okay, here we go. We’re going to buzz. We’re going to do a flyby, everyone.

And three, two, one…

EVERYONE (AS EVERYONE)

Hiiii!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That’s funny. Snowball just started waving at me with just one finger.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ha! Weird.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Odd. Dragon culture.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Wait, wasn’t there that… Remember that train conductor and how maybe they could come with a whole train of people who could help us? What about that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s a great idea! And look, I could look down and I can see the trains parked outside of that little cabin with smoke coming out the chimney.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Oh, that’s Antarcticaland.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, yeah.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

All right. Take you down there.

ANTARCTICALAND

MARISA (AS RITA)

Oh, God. Is it you again?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s me again!

MARISA (AS RITA)

No, no, no, no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

How you doing, Rita?

MARISA (AS RITA)

I would rather not have you here in Penguinland.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

MARISA (AS RITA)

You created a lot of problems for me last year.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, I didn’t create the problems. I was a symptom of a greater problem. I think we can all agree.

MARISA (AS RITA)

I absolutely agree.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so I’m not the problem. Something else is the problem. And let me tell you about an exciting penguin-based opportunity ahead of you.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Okay.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Have you ever wondered how good penguins would be in a time-ending battle for good and evil?

MARISA (AS RITA)

I have never wondered that.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, you’re about to find out because let me tell you, we need your penguin army and you, Rita, to join our bigger army, of which I am the general, and fight to the end to find keys or something. I am not really sure why we’re doing this anymore. But we need you! We have to have you and the penguins!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Wait a minute. So is this some sort of Wisney event? Is that it? They want us at the fireworks display?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, there might be fireworks, but no, this is against Wisney. We’re opposing Wisney! We’re going to bring down Wisney!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Interesting. But I can’t endanger my penguins.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, they won’t be in any danger at all. What we’ll probably do is use them as front line soldiers…

(Mike starts giggling)

And no harm will come to them, I’m sure!

MARISA (AS RITA)

I absolutely cannot endanger these penguins. They’re like my own children.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, what? Okay, I’ve got a new idea. What if they’re like logistics officers on the supply line and they’re bringing in mustard and sprinkles and stuff? That way they’re out of danger, but they’re still helping.

MARISA (AS RITA)

So they’re a supply line?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, there are supply penguins.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Well, we’re still not going to use them. For that, we’ll use… the war penguins. I’ve got 300 of them.

SEAN AND CARTER (AS WAR PENGUINS)

(low, dangerous-sounding honks)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s… that’s surprisingly convenient.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Well, you know, I thought someday this might come and I have always taught my penguins you’ve got to be ready to fight for your freedom.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And look at them break down those firearms and reassemble them with blindfolds. That’s impressive.

SEAN AND CARTER (AS WAR PENGUINS)

(honking)

MARISA (AS RITA)

And they always look so handsome while doing it, don’t they?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They do. They’ve got great posture.

MARISA (AS RITA)

They do.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, they are positively postured penguins.

MARISA (AS RITA)

Yes. Now you said you’re the general?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m the general.

MARISA (AS RITA)

The general help?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, no, I’m the leader of the army.

MARISA (AS RITA)

The general… dogsbody that does all the other jobs for the army?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No, I’m in charge. So I don’t have my hat on. That’s probably why it’s confusing for you. I’m going to get a hat on the way there. But…

MARISA (AS RITA)

Okay, you’re the haberdashery.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, yes, the haberdashery. That’s right. That sounds right.

MARISA (AS RITA)

You are the hats.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I wear the hat. That makes me the general. I’m in charge, yes.

MARISA (AS RITA)

The general haberdasher. Okay. All right, I can accept that. Yes. And then so when we get there, you can take me to your leader and we’ll have a talk.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, you will come with me as leader to talk with the other leaders.

MARISA (AS RITA)

So we’ll come along at the assigned time and I’ll talk to your leader. All right.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, I am the leader and you will talk with me there. Thank you.

CARTER (AS THE TRAIN DRIVER)

Hey, Rita! I just need to stop here for a moment. My customers here on the train, they want to see the war penguins!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Oh, well, you can’t just see the war penguins. You know that. There’s the show penguins and there’s the war penguins.

CARTER (AS THE TRAIN DRIVER)

They want to see both kinds of penguins. I’ve been talking up both kinds of penguins!

MARISA (AS RITA)

You’re never supposed to mention the war penguins!

CARTER (AS THE TRAIN DRIVER)

I didn’t know war penguins were a secret!

MARISA (AS RITA)

No, look, now they’re getting testy…

SEAN AND CARTER (AS WAR PENGUINS)

(angry honking)

CARTER (AS THE TRAIN DRIVER)

I assumed they were always testy! They’re war penguins!

MARISA (AS RITA)

Well, your people should stay on the train. That’s all I’m saying.

MIKE (AS A SMALL CHILD)

Mommy, mommy, I want to touch a war penguin!

SEAN AND CARTER (AS WAR PENGUINS)

(snarling and biting)

MIKE (AS A SMALL CHILD)

Aaaaa!

CARTER (AS THE TRAIN DRIVER)

I can see now why there are rules about war penguins.

MOIRA’S PLANE

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

All right. Well done, everyone. Pretty impressive. I never heard of war penguins.

All right, here we go. Here she is. Good old Blatavan. See her down there?

It’s a little rough for wear.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It’s been so long.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It looks so small.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re up high.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

Bringing us down!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Compared to the army we’re about to face, it’s also very small.

Back on the ground:

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

All right, I’ll give you all a little space. First time back at the Blatavan.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So many memories.

SEAN (AS MOIRA)

I’ll be here at the plane if you need me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I was never able to drive this correctly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you know how to drive?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Not well, no.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay. That would make it harder.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah, yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You know who was great at it, was Snegal.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Snegal was great at it. Oh, I wonder whatever happened to poor old Snegal.

Well, let’s see what’s inside the Blatavan.

SEAN

So you open the door. It’s a little hard to open. It’s been dented. And obviously someone tried to repair it and it squeaks open.

And you see the same hallway. You see the door to the kitchen where it’s still blown out ‑the wall was blown out from the explosion.

And yeah, there’s the same hallway with the six doors, one of which is the kitchen. And you don’t see any sign of Snegal.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, I guess I’ll get baking. I mean, nothing ever happens in this kitchen when I bake.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I mean, I thought maybe we’d be able to use the Blatavan maybe to drive off in the battle against the army. But this is our actual Blatavan, not an alternate version because of the giant gaping hole in the side of it.

SEAN

Your foot hits something, Carter.

You look down and it’s Snegal’s hat and it’s bloody.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

Found a hat.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s Snegal’s hat and it’s bloody.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you for pointing that out.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that doesn’t mean anything. He might have just got hurt and dropped his hat. You know, I’m sure lots of people drop hats after, you know, hitting their head a little bit or something.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Getting hurt…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Minimally hurt. Minimally hurt.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Or horribly hurt. That happens too. And then people lose not just their hat, but their head.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Thanks. Thanks, Eggerton.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You’re welcome.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, thank you for that.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, you can’t make an army without breaking some eggs… or whatever that expression is. We lost a lot of people on the way. We gained alternate ones. Guess it’s silly of me to think that we’d still have a tiny little imp around. Survived all the stuff that probably happened to him…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it’s very likely that he died, I think. The bloody hat, not seeing him anywhere. He was not necessarily the brightest imp. He got himself into trouble a lot. There’s been a lot of wars. A lot of really dark, disturbing violence. So, yeah, I think you’re probably right, Blat. It would be a surprise if he survived and wasn’t horribly, horribly killed at some point.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, are you going to start on those fairy pies?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m going to get started on the fairy pies!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, very good.

Maybe there’s something we can use to patch up the giant hole.

SEAN

A door opens and you see Snegal backing out of it, dragging another door, struggling to pull it out into the centre of the caravan and does not notice you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Snegal!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Huh? Snegal?

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Huh? Oh!

OH! OH! HOHOHO OH! OH! OH! I KISS YOUR LEGS! I KISS YOUR KNEE! I CAN’T KISS ANY HIGHER! OH! OH-HO-HO-HO OH YOU’RE ALIVE! Oh, oh sorry! Oh! Brush off your knee—it’s a little damp. I’m sorry…

Oh! Darcy!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Snegal! It’s so good to see you!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, thank you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

How are you alive?

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, um, well, one of me isn’t. Well, okay. 137 of me are not alive, but I am!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

So you’re another alternate Snegal?

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh no, I’m the Snegal I think. But wait, which Darcy are you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know anymore! I’m the Darcy that was in this Blatavan when the side blew out of it.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Did you open the apple?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, it’s that Darcy! It’s the Darcy that opened the apple and killed everyone in Paradox.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

IT’S DARCY! Ohohoho! Darcy, it’s good to see you!

Oh, Eggsy! Oh, which Eggsy are you?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’m the same Eggsy that I always was. I’m Eggerton, it’s so nice to see you again, Snegal.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

I’m not even gonna try and figure it out cause it won’t happen.

Oh, uh, Blat, um, It doesn’t matter which Blat you are. I’m just glad you’re back and alive.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I am the original Blat that you knew, Snegal.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

And loved.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

And ah, ah—that was when I thought he was dead. Let’s try and keep things professional.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Did we ever sing the friend song, you and I?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, but—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

(screams)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

—I still don’t think you know what that was!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Ohhh! I kiss your knees! I kiss your knees!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Darcy, you owe me five credits. I told you they did that.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay, all right.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s literally just a song!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Heh. Yeah.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s not a metaphor!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Mm-hmm, no problem. I’m with ya. Wink!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers with your Game Master Sean Howard and players Michael Howie, Marisa King, and Carter Siddall.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Becky Arenivar and Ren.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE: SUPPORTIVE

SEAN

Okay, so we’ve done this in the past, where we’re gonna do a bunch of cutscenes—

MARISA

No.

Laughter.

CARTER

“I’m not interested and wish to go to sleep.”

SEAN

I do want to use this so someone can hear…

MARISA

Sorry.

SEAN

‘Cause like in the show Darcy’s so supportive, keeps it moving…

But now you get to hear what happens when we try to—

MARISA

I’m not interested in this and I don’t want to subscribe to your newsletter.

Laughter.