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59: Out The Window

Blat, Darcy and Eggerton flee the forces of evil into a whirlwind of paradoxes and nightmares.

Game Master: Sean Howard
Players: Carter Siddall, Michael Howie and Marisa King
Story Consultant: Laura Packer
Game Consultant: Stephen Smith
Music and Sound Design: Eli Hamada McIlveen

Content warning: Panic, hallucinations, falling from heights, murder, trauma, gory comedy deaths.

LAST TIME…

Fast-paced music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Last time on The End of Time and Other Bothers:

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I thought I was fighting evil all of this time!

SEAN

Outside are pyramids, trees, castles, alien spacecraft, a mishmash of things from all time.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Look, that’s where the second key is! We have to get to that place!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There’s like 40 floors in this building which are “off limits”.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We’re here to talk to Mr. Wisney because we are foreign investors.

SEAN (AS THE SHATTERING)

This is your final chance to join me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Is the Shattering you?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

We call it the Wisney Vortex. It’s what’s creating what you see around us. The ultimate theme park. A whole future where everyone pays for a day pass.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

You’re telling me that all of this is built on what used to be Balgomar?

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Oh, we had to break a few eggs and—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Break a few eggs?! We’re talking about centuries worth of universe… stuff!

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Well, you are certainly free to not sign and to leave and all you must do is take the stairs. But I promise you, you will not reach the ground.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat, good news! I think we are fighting evil!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! We’re gonna smash through this window, you’re both gonna grab onto me, and we’re flying off to the tree! We’re getting the second key! Screw you, Mr. Wisney!

FALLING

SEAN

The glass explodes outwards as Blat and Darcy and Eggerton launch themselves out the side of a 45 story skyscraper.

Now, they are only on floor 43, so there is that. And as Darcy is clinging to Blat’s side, she catches the eye of Mr. Wisney, who is looking a little perplexed. And she thinks she hears him mutter to himself, probably loudly,

SEAN (AS MR. WISNEY)

Most unexpected.

SEAN

And the three of them begin to plummet.

Blat, Darcy and Eggerton scream in terror.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Oh wait, I’m not sure why I’m screaming… and we flap the wings!

SEAN

And Blat begins to bank and slowly drop… I assume you’re heading down.

CARTER

Sure.

SEAN

So Blat spreads his wings and begins to bank, slowing their descent.

Eggerton, your eye is caught by something on the other side of the glass on the level or two below where you were. And you see something massive move on the other side of the window, something too big to be on a simple floor of a building. Like… Galactopoid size.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, no, we’re fine. We’re flying. Everything’s fine, right? We’re good.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Um, we’re getting away from the building, yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And we left the Galactopoid in that other galaxy all those years ago, right? Like they were dealing with it. That wasn’t a thing anymore.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, this is a weird thing to bring up right now. Yes, that was a long time ago. We left the Galactopoid in another universe and I thought we weren’t going to talk about that anymore.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, and we certainly would not then find ourselves face to face with the Galactopoid inside the building from which we just escaped.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, that would be impossible.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, right, right? It’s just the thing in my mind. No chance it’s real.

SEAN

The mouth opens and you see it swallow three people who are quite tiny and look like they’re screaming, but you can’t hear anything. And it looks like a little Eggerton and a little Blat and a little Darcy… as they are swallowed whole.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, so now I just want to make sure that I’m me and you two are you two and we’re all here right now and I’m not seeing us somewhere else right now.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, we’re all here right now! I think Mr. Wisney’s stories have got to your head.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But you’re you.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes, I’m me. Darcy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, and Blat, you’re Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I am me.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

And I’m Eggerton, right? We’re all verifying I’m Eggerton.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I hope you are, yes.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, and this is reality.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well…

Theme music plays—a breakbeat arrangement perhaps slightly reminiscent of Mad Men.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers: an improvised fantasy role-playing game set in the world of Alba Salix. Your Game Master is Sean Howard, with players Michael Howie, Carter Siddall, and Marisa King.

Episode 59: Out the Window.

THE FINAL INN

SEAN

Darcy and Blat, you are standing in front of a run-down inn. An inn that you haven’t seen for a very long time. An inn where you met Celene.

Only now, the inn is in even worse shape, and you hear the moaning sound of zombies that are approaching.

You are both hurt. Darcy, you are limping. Blat, one of your wings is ripped. You guys are winded. And you are regretting the choice to go down the stairs.

And one of you thinks you see a movement, like in a flash of a mirror, of something flying, but then it’s gone.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t think we’re going to make it. These stairs were a bad idea!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Who had the stair idea? I don’t remember having the stair idea!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I feel like it was our only option.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I got an option for you.

Bazooka.

SEAN

And a kumquat falls into your hand.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, son of a Loxsyn, this again.

FALLING

SEAN

Blat, you are spinning down, and Darcy has clenched onto your arm very tightly all of a sudden.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Uh, faster Blat, faster. I’m having really weird sensations and I think I’m seeing things.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Did you have a fairy cake?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No! I didn’t have any of your stupid fairy cakes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I think what you might be experiencing is falling about 40 stories at a great rate, but don’t worry, everything’s fine. Once we’re away from the building, we get to head to the beach and the water and the tree, and somehow that seems like a vacation… within an amusement park that people go to for vacations—all right, as a metaphor it’s a bit slim, but you understand my meaning.

SEAN

Blat, you see something as you pass the next floor. What is it?

CARTER

Blat sees himself getting an order from a dry cleaner.

DRY CLEANER

The shop door opens.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

I’ll be right with you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, that’s fine. Take your time.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Okay, uh, sorry, I was just in the back. What can I do for you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m here to pick up my order! It’s B for Blat.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

B for Blat. Let me take a look through… I’ve got an A for Antiquities and an A for Atonomodich, and a C for Coccyx…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…So I would be in the middle there somewhere.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Okay, let me look again. Nope, just straight from Acivithy to Coccyx. No B’s. Are you sure it was under B?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Can I ask you why you have dry cleaner orders under “Antiquities” and “Coccyx”?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Do I ask you about your business?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, no.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Then I suppose it might be a bit rude for you to ask me about mine, young man. Now, what else might your name be under?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Are you intimating that I have more than one name?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

I’m suggesting that “Blat” isn’t in my file box, which means that you don’t have a dry cleaning order here.

SEAN (AS ANOTHER CUSTOMER)

(ditzy voice)

Excuse me, are you going to be a while?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

No, we’ll just be one moment.

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Okay.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

What other name might it be under?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, it’s under B for Blat and Blat for B. You have six of my shirts.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

I don’t think I do because if I did there would be a card here with your receipt and phone number and the orders and there isn’t one. But if you wouldn’t mind stepping aside, I’ll just help this other customer.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, sure. Certainly. Let’s see if you can actually find this person’s order.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

What’s your order under?

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Cocksgill?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Coccyx, perhaps?

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Oh, sorry. Yes, ha ha. I’m such a dimwit.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

It’s all right. It’s a confusing Latin word for the bottom of the spine.

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Oh, they tell me over and over every day, “Don’t forget, it’s under Coccscream or whatever.”

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

And here it is! Here it is.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, thank you.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

And there’s 14 orders for you all freshly pressed.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Thank you. Okay. Just put it on our account.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Of course.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry. What is the “Coccyx” account?

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Oh, the emperor’s account.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

The emperor?

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Yeah. The emperor.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Under the name “Coccyx”?

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

Yes.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

You have a lot of questions for someone who doesn’t have any dry cleaning to pick up here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I do have dry cleaning to pick up here. It’s just not under the name “Coccyx”.

SEAN (AS OTHER CUSTOMER)

It’s not like your life depends on picking it up. Oh, I gotta go!

The other customer rushes out.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

…So, you’re not in the system. I can’t help you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Listen. How many half-demons do you have picking up laundry at your establishment?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

I’d have to check the files, but I’d say 150 to 200?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

150 to 200?! The only half demon I know is myself!

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

It’s a great location.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

It’s a great location? The location is not the point! Yes. It’s a convenient location. It’s why I come here. I am the only half demon that I know. How do you have 150 to 200 other half demons?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

How do you not know any of the other half demons?

Another customer has entered in the meantime.

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

I’m a half demon.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…You’re a half demon?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Antiquities! I’ve been waiting for you. Here’s your gown.

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

Sorry. I meant to be here on Monday.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Well, these things happen.

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

There was a half demon ball. Didn’t want to miss it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

There’s a half demon ball that I missed?!

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

I could have used the shirts, but no.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

You know, you dirtied them during the softball tournament for half-demons.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Softball tournament for half-demons?!

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

Well, what’s for the half demon… the kids without homes, what are they called? The orphans, I think? Yeah, you know, the half demon orphans.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Yeah, the half demon orphans. Okay, so…

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

Sorry, how much do I owe ya?

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Oh, it’s just four credits.

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

Oh, okay. Here you go.

MIKE (AS DRY CLEANER)

Thanks very much. And here’s your gown.

SEAN (AS OTHER HALF-DEMON)

All right. Thank you. Excuse me.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh, yes, excuse… me…

FALLING

SEAN

Darcy, something’s wrong. You’re flying straight towards the building. You’re getting closer and closer.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat. Blat. Blat!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m the only half demon! I’m the only half demon!

Oh, my lord! Oh, I freaked out there for a second!

Okay, we gotta get away from the building. I think the building is starting to mess with our heads.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Is it saying things that, like, you don’t think are real but might be real so then you start questioning what’s real?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Absolutely yes!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, like you don’t look good in green?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eh, sort of like that?

SEAN

(laughing)

Cut to Eggerton in green.

THE NEXUS

Ominous, pulsing music.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sniffling)

I just thought it would look good. And now everyone here is telling me it looks bad. I…

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

But I think you do look good! I don’t know!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Thank you so much, Snegal, but it’s all these other people in the marketing department that are saying that green is ugly and whorish.

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Well, you know, the Nexus marketing department meetings can be a little harsh.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Ever since Darcy killed all the nice ones, it’s just these mean bullies left!

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Don’t talk about Supreme Leader Darcy like that!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, I know, she—

SEAN (AS SNEGAL)

Oh, here she comes!

Atten-hut!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(desperately)

Hi! I look good in green!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sobbing)

Oh, no!

FALLING

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(freaking out)

Blat, Blat, Blat! Are you okay? Okay, no, we’re okay. Okay, we’re gonna land, right? We’re gonna land soon, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, I think we need to get closer to the beach and the tree! And also, I’m not sure why you think you’d look good in green. With your stature, you’d resemble a Brussels sprout.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

It is real!

CELENE’S CASTLE

SEAN

You’re circling, your coming, maybe around floor 35, when Darcy, trying with all your might to not look at the building, you swear you see a vista from your memory, of ice, and this giant ice castle.

There are two figures that appear to be on the bulwarks arguing.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Brother?

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

What are these people doing?

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Brother, we have to, we need to get down there. We need to flip those tables!

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Those tables are standing on all four legs and that’s not okay!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Oh, wait, here comes Mumsy!

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

What are you two doing?

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

We’re looking and the tables are down there.

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

I told you to stop flipping tables! You went to rehab for flipping tables!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

She’s right, we did go to rehab. Remember our motto?

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Yes, our motto…

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

You have to breathe…

SEAN AND MIKE (AS ROTHKAR AND GOH)

“Breathe… when… we… want… to… flip!”

MARISA (AS MUMSY)

Okay, it was cheap rehab, not very effective, but you have to just think through things before your impulses come in.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Or… we flip other things! Flip Mumsy!

MIKE (AS GOH THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Flip Mumsy!

The ice zombies roar with laughter.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

…Maybe that was a bad idea.

FALLING

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Blat, you have to get us away from this building. It is really messing with my mind. I don’t think Eggerton is actually making this stuff up.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m dropping as fast as gravity will allow.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t care about dropping! Move laterally, laterally away from the building. Anywhere but here.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, we’re gonna need to get some sort of an updraft going for me to get any real speed away from the building.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Fair enough. You know about flying physics, it’s true. I don’t know a lot about it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Also, we’re gonna need to find me a shirt.

FAETON

SEAN

Eggerton…

Level 28—I don’t know how you know the number—catches your eye and you see a fae village burning.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(gasps)

SEAN

There are mushroom houses smoldering. There are fae bodies everywhere as giant shadow demons march through the town chanting Lady Veth’s name.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

No…

FALLING

SEAN

And we’re down to floor 27.

Blat, you catch a lift of air. You think you hear Eggerton sobbing into your side?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(sniffling)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Right in the armpit. Yeah, that’s helping me fly.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

(blows his nose loudly)

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, Lord.

SEAN

And you start to move away from the building. Darcy, you catch a glimpse of the vision—it looks just like out of your vision: The giant tree with the sand and the water.

Only there’s an army around it. It’s hard to pick out all the shapes, but it’s large. A very large army around that building.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Abort! Abort! Away!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Abort? Away?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m seeing a huge army. We gotta land farther away. We can’t go in like this.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why would there be an army around here? We’re in the middle of an amusement park!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

There’s always an army wherever we go. Haven’t you learned this?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, so I can’t go to the building, but I can’t go to the tree. Where do you want me to land?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Middle. Middle somewhere. What about over there? That kind of looks like open land.

SEAN

Blat, it looks familiar. It’s a parking lot you visited every day. The parking lot right next to the back entrance to a building where you were supposed to go in through the back entrance down to a certain filing room.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh my Loxsyn. Now I understand why there was an alternate Darcy.

Because I think there might be an alternate me.

THE FILING ROOM

Clunky, mechanical music from Blat’s first appearance.

SEAN

Blat, you have just arrived. You have hung up your jacket and your hat as you always do. But you are perplexed. You are… something’s off. You don’t feel right.

Because you have still not found file D47AF. And it’s been months. And you’re running out of excuses for why you’re not able to send that file up the line.

You look up at the filing room, normally spic and span, and there are drawers open everywhere, boxes have been moved and opened. And you still haven’t found file D47AF.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, well it’s possible I could just recreate file 47DF. If I just start writing random things, maybe I’ll be able to write down what’s in that file.

Maybe the file starts something like, “It was the best of times, it was the worst…” No, that’s probably not it. It’s a government file.

Um. Let’s see. Oh, I know. I’ll just write something very vague that would be in any government file. Um, “Money good, people complaining bad.” And we’re going to put that in a brand new file, and then we’re just going to write down “File 47AF”…

(whispering)

And no one needs to know. It’s the perfect crime. Why am I talking to myself?

SEAN

And you hear the door open, and you hear commotion, and you hear voices talking. Like, people are coming. No one comes in that entrance.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, lord. I’ll just file this quickly away where it would be… And, uh…

(sings tunelessly)

La de deee de do… doing filing work as I do beside the boiler. And I’m working, and everybody’s happy. I have a perfect record. And I’m very content… with our pension being lowered, as I did not need that much to live on. Don’t want to be greedy, just happy filing. Who needs dental care?

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

(cheerful)

Blat, are you singing our work anthem?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes! Yes, I am!

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

That was lovely. I sing that every day, too.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, excellent. Very good. I’m glad we’re in agreement. Is there anything I can help you with? I don’t usually get that many visitors here in floor negative 12.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Oh, yes. I was just here because I have to pick up a file from you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, absolutely.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Just let me check the number.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Certainly.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Okay, it’s, uh, D, I think D, uh, well, I know it has 47, 47B, oh, no, sorry, 47AF. Yes, I think I need to get 47AF from you.

…Blat?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I don’t think that’s right. I think you, um, I think you must have misread that. You must be looking for a, um, another file.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

No, no, I have it right here from the higher ups. You see, look at my form there. The requisition is for 47AF.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, yes, yes.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Apparently there’s about 43 sheets of paper in it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

43 sheets of paper. Uh, that’s very detailed.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

They weighed it.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They weighed it.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

They recorded that here. I think they recorded the number of words down at this part. You see it’s signed in triplicate.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh-huh.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

So, uh, does it say what is exactly in, uh, the file?

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Let’s see. Oh, it looks like it’s noted “scientific jargon, very detailed technical terminology used”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Uh-huh.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Yes.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do you think there might be a new version of the file where someone dubbed it down a lot?

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Well, that would be file 47AG.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, oh, oh.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

And they’re not asking for that one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, let me get you file 47AG. I can get that for you right now!

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

I don’t need that. That’s in the Dumbing-Down Department.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

(chuckling)

You know you’re not the Dumbing-Down Department, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I wish I was the Dumbing-Down Department.

MARISA (AS A COLLEAGUE)

Yes, so 47AF. Now you, you know where every file is. Surely you can put your hands on this one.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Yes! Yes, I can!

SEAN

We cut to the head of security stepping out of the two doors with the plaque that says “FILING CLERK”, putting a strange smoking device away behind them.

We see a body on the ground growing cold as she closes the door and starts talking into her ear as she heads down the corridor.

SEAN (AS CONTROL)

(over earpiece radio)

Agent 45, report.

MARISA (AS A SUPPOSED COLLEAGUE WHO IS ACTUALLY AGENT 45)

Yeah, I wasn’t able to get the file. Even with the nice lady voice.

SEAN (AS CONTROL)

Did you clean up any loose ends?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Yes, all loose ends tied up.

SEAN (AS CONTROL)

All right, get back to headquarters. They’re not going to be happy.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, hey, I did the mission. I took care of things. They shouldn’t be unhappy with me.

SEAN (AS CONTROL)

You’re fine.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Okay.

SEAN (AS CONTROL)

But we need to find that file.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

All right, heading up.

MIDROLL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Music sting.

ELI

It’s the beginning of the middle of The End of Time and Other Bothers.

ELI

Hey everyone, it’s Eli here with the announcements and wow, it’s been too long. The past year has been a whole lot. We moved house, we moved offices, we got wrapped up in a few too many projects and we fell way, way behind on a lot of things. And for me, that has included production work on all our shows. So, mea culpa, thank you for your patience and it’s good to be back.

The big news is, yeah, we’re back and we are actually wrapping up this arc of other bothers. This is Episode 59 and after that we have four more episodes before we bring the tale of Darcy, Eggerton and Blat to a close. Those are already recorded and once those air, we’re going to figure out what comes after that.

We are likely going to try out a few short adventures with different themes and settings, new characters, but the same freewheeling kind of improvvy feel. Turns out we like world building and inventing on the fly, so who knows where it’s going to go, but there’s a lot of fun on the way before then. So stay tuned. These four and a half remaining episodes are some wild stuff.

Time for some shout outs! We’ve had a bunch of new folks join the Patreon since I last spoke to you all, so I want to send out a warm welcome and, as always, I hope I’m getting your names at least approximately right.

Hello and big, big thanks to MK, to Roxanne Baechler-Gill, to KateNeedsANap, tiredDrecc—I’m sensing a theme here and, ooh boy, same—Janet Werner, FantasticWolf, and the wonderfully named HECRaiser.

And to our patrons who have been supporting us for many a year, we might just get caught up on these names by the time this arc is done. Fingers crossed. Our heartfelt thanks to Michael Yanski, Andi, Bryan Fullerton, Kristian, and Jessica Parr. Thank you all for your support.

Again, my apologies for the long absence, but golly gosh, it’s good to be back. I will catch you next time.

Music sting.

MIDROLL: THE EXECUTIVES

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

So profits are up 14%. I think that’s good overall. People seem to be enjoying the train and—oh, look, Jimmy’s back. Jimmy?

SEAN (AS THAT ONE ILL-FATED EXECUTIVE FROM LAST EPISODE)

Hi, everyone. Sorry I’m late. You notice anything?

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

I see that you’re holding up your pants.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah!

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Did you lose your belt?

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

It’s the latest style. I may have spent a little bit of time with one of the board members.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Board members?

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Board members? Is that what the board members are doing? Well, I could take my pants off right now if…

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

No, I don’t want everyone to be a copy, you know.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

We’re not copying. No, we’re not copying.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Look, I’ve now got my pants on my head! That’s different from what you’re doing, but maybe the board would like it.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah, I think that’s a great idea.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Look, it’s like I have tentacles on my head. Tentacles—like our customers.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Mmm, immersive.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I think we’re a little off.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Do you really think he met a member of the board? Have you ever met a member of the board?

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Well, no, that’s why I assume they just might like my new pants idea.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

They’re not going to like that on your head. Nobody likes anything on your head.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

I’m grasping at straws! I’ve never met anyone from the board.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

They may have dropped a tip. In passing, one of the members of the board may have made a suggestion about Italyland.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh, oh my lord. I’m going to write this down immediately. “Italyland…”

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Profits are down there.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Profits are down in Italyland. That’s true.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

They were saying, you know, maybe less noodles.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Less noodles?

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

In Italyland?

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

That’s what Italyland is.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Research showed noodles. That’s what research turned up.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah, your research department has really led to great profits in Italyland, hasn’t it, Clarisse?

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Well, I don’t think the research is the problem. I think it’s maybe the employees. Weren’t they using packaged noodles? I said homemade noodles. That’s what research said.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah, well, research may be wrong because the board thinks we should put hot peppers.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

Hot peppers?

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Hot peppers? In Italyland?

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

There’s nothing here in the research about hot peppers being used with the noodles.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Which is why it’s brilliant.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Is it?

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

All right, I’m pulling my pants down.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

…No, you’re just supposed to hold them up with your hand.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh, oh, sorry. Yeah, right.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

So I rang up catering and, oh, here they come now. Look. Let’s bring them in and you can all taste noodles with hot peppers.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, everybody. Now, I was told to do this, but this is not my idea. And I’m going to warn you. I think this is terrible. Give it a try.

Tasting and smacking of lips.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

That’s an interesting flavor profile…

(starts to cough and choke)

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

No, no, I don’t like it.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Any water in with that?

(gagging)

Actually, it’s a little too spicy.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

I think… wouldn’t we all want to buy a bottle of wine right now?

Mutters of agreement.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Well, that’s true. Yeah, that’s true. We could sell the wine.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I hadn’t thought of that. That’s right. To wash the taste of this crap out of your mouth!

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

Wine sales would—

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

That would definitely help.

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yes, and bread. More bread! Well, we’d have to start charging them for the bread, though.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

That’s… I wouldn’t say brilliant, but…

MARISA (AS EXECUTIVE)

You were going to say brilliant. I saw it forming on your lips. “Brilliant.”

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

It might be something worth considering. Charging for bread.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Okay, I’ve got another idea.

CARTER (AS EXECUTIVE)

“Charge for bread”…

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

What if we take this whole conversation we’re having, we record it and then put it at patreon.com/albasalix. And we ask people. We ask them to support it.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

We don’t ask.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Oh, we tell them.

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

We tell them. We’re Wisney Corp.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Yeah! Wisney Corp needs you to go to…

SEAN (AS EXECUTIVE)

We don’t need you to do nothing. You will.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

You will go. Disney Corp knows you will go.

SEAN

Did you say “Disney Corp”?

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

I did not!

Laughter.

MIKE (AS EXECUTIVE)

Why is there a red dot on my chest?!

PARKING LOT

SEAN

The three of you land in this parking lot.

Blat, it’s so eerie. It is exactly as you remember it.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Do you think they have any of those food stands around here?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, they might possibly have a food stand. But aren’t you a little amazed that there’s an actual building from Balgomar here? There have to be multiple buildings from Balgomar here because that explains how we got the other Darcy, who didn’t know anything about any of our adventures. Because they must have come from yet another alternate universe where buildings have just been snapped up and brought here to the park. And if there’s an alternate Darcy here, and if this building is the building that I used to work at, that must mean there’s an alternate Blat here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…I worked at this building.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

That must mean there’s another me here, just like there was another Darcy around.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

There was another Darcy around?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, you were unconscious in the cart after you got… Yeah.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

They tased him.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

They tased him. That’s fair.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

But wait, why does there have to be an alternate Blat? I mean, couldn’t this be the building that you actually came in, as in you, just you Blat? Maybe this was your building. Maybe there is no other Blat.

SEAN

The back door of the building opens, and a strange figure steps out and is walking very briskly towards you all.

And they stop suddenly when they see you, Blat.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, but don’t you understand? If there was an alternate you, then there has to be buildings from an alternate Balgomar. So that would be an alternate Blat.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Calling Agent 431. Calling Agent 431.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

This is Agent 431. This is unusual. What is happening?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

I seem to have witnessed the target alive and well, and speaking with people, I don’t know how that possibly could have happened. He was definitely down when I last saw him.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Well, you filed a report.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

The report was correct.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

That you took care of loose ends.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

I, I, you know what? I will take care of the other loose ends, and report back.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

…Yeah.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Hi, I’m Eggerton!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Hello—

(catches herself and adopts her perky persona from earlier)

Hello!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What are you doing?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

I’m just coming out for a breath of fresh air.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, that’s nice. My friends are talking about stuff that’s confusing me, so I thought I’d come over and see who you were.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, well isn’t that nice? I’m Nancy.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Nancy! I’m Eggerton, as I said.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Uh-huh. And—

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

How are you—

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

O. I’m sorry to interrupt. That’s very rude of me. But I was wondering, who’s your friend, the tall one over there?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s Blat.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

That’s Blat?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

From filing?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, he likes to file, yeah. I also do a lot of filing.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

You do?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I do mailing, I guess. I do paperwork that gets mailed to be filed.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, they are different.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

They are, but they’re similar.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, they’re similar, yes. We like to be very specific here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Very organizational in nature.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Mm-hmm. But he’s the file clerk here, at this building?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I don’t know, because it sounds like there’s a lot of this building. Like, this building is this building, but it’s also another this building.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

No, no, it’s just this building. We don’t have any twin buildings.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know, that’s what I thought. And now they’re talking about how there’s like multiple everythings.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

They are?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yes, Blat and my friend Darcy. There’s just two of them right now, but I’ve been told there’s more of them.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

And are you sure that one of them isn’t a twin of another? Twin siblings? Anything like that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s probably what it is, is twins, right? It’s one of those things where you’ve got a bunch of twins of yourself that you forget about, and then you just see them somewhere, and you’re like, “Why am I seeing myself being consumed by an intergalactic being that I thought was left many generations behind in a different place?” It just makes sense now! Thank you so much, Nancy!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Do you have caretakers?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I like to take care of people, yeah.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

No, someone who’s taking care of you. I feel like you’re a bit lost.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I am! I’m trying to get to that tree.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

What tree?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

The big one over there.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

No, I don’t… Over there?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Over there.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

It’s hard to see around the building.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, why don’t we go for a little stroll?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, I have something I should be doing.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

We all do, but they’re talking. My friends, they do this. They start talking about stuff that doesn’t matter—

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

And you say he’s a twin.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

That’s the best guess, yeah. I mean, if we were going to be scientific about it, I’d say he’s probably a quadruplet. But I think just overall saying twin will work.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, that actually makes sense. If they’re quadruplets, then that really does make sense. And I think I’m fine.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, good. Okay, so let’s go take a little wander and see if we can see this tree. Maybe you know, like, a back access route, or is there a train, or some kind of a mass transit system we can take over there? Do I need tickets? I’ve still got a lot of tickets.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, why don’t we just take a wander?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Okay.

MEANWHILE…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Now, you see, this supports my hypothesis. You see, I don’t recognize that woman who’s walking away with Eggerton. One would suppose that she works at the building where the alternate Blat works. But since I’ve never seen her before, that lends the theory that this is from an alternate reality.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, did you know everyone who worked in the building?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

My dear woman, I filed for many a year in that place. I knew every scrap of paper about every single person that worked there. Well, except for one…

But that’s long in the past, a different reality. It’s fine. It’s fine. I…

Wait, where is he going?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yeah, why is he just wandering off with that woman you say you’ve never seen?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

He makes friends easily?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Eggerton? Eggerton!

SEAN

Blat. You go cold.

And you feel a touch you haven’t felt in a while. And a voice in your head.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

O warrior. It is time.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no. You see, here’s the thing. I don’t even know if you’re real anymore. I’m thinking maybe you’re a… Wisney construction that’s been placed into my noggin. I don’t know if you’re actually a god or a demon or whatever you claim to be.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I’m real. I’m Darcy. I’ve been… I’ve done this whole thing with you.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, I understand that you’re real. I’m just talking about…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I mean, sometimes I think I am a god compared to you guys, but…

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, let’s back it off a little, sister. I’m talking about the voice that’s in my head.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Ohh, she’s back?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I don’t know why.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you have to get rid of her.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, well, that’s a great solution. Just get rid of her. What do you think I’ve been trying to do all this time?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Maybe we have to use harsher methods.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I love harsher methods. Bring it on.

You are my chosen.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. I’m just going to be referring to you as “Wisney” from now on, because that’s all you are to me. Some sort of Wisney technical—

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Don’t you dare.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh, no, you’re a Wisney technical gizmo that’s shoved up into my cranium.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I stand against everything—I even worked with that Celene. Don’t even get me going about that all-light pastry-eating one. I have suffered so much to fight these Wisney bastards.

And now it’s time for you to do what you were meant to do… and to go find file D‑47AF.

But I’m going to warn you, it’s not going to be pleasant.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Why do you want me to find this file that I couldn’t find in my previous life in a different reality? Why would that be important to you?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Because you are the one who took the file.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I took the file? Why would I take a file? I’ve never taken a file.

A sudden eerie rushing sound.

SEAN

And you feel a yank in your brain, like a hidden memory that you’ve been hidden from you. And suddenly all this stuff comes flowing up.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I’m sorry about this, I can’t be very particular.

SEAN

Some of it involves Celene’s bedroom, and some of it involves when you were going around doing sometimes not great things to try and get people to worship Celene.

And then one memory rushes to the front, and it’s night. And it’s here. And you’re in the parking lot. And you’re trying to pick the lock to the back door of this building, which you’ve always had a key.

And then you’re in, but now you realize there’s black tendrils coming off of you. And you’re walking down the hall, and you hold up your hand and the doors blow in.

And you walk into the room, and you walk right up to a filing cabinet… then shake your head and walk to another cabinet, open the drawer, and you pull file D47AF.

And you put it… where in the room?

CARTER

Underneath a potted plant that people have forgotten to water many years ago.

SEAN

And then you’re about to leave when you stop, you turn, and you take the broom and you set it near the pneumatic tubes, nod, and then exit.

And you come back to reality realizing Darcy’s been talking, and you haven’t been hearing her.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Hello? Hello? It’s like listening to a one-sided telephone conversation. What’s she saying to you? I can’t hear.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I couldn’t hear anything either.

Um, I don’t know what’s going on. I got a flashback to when I was evil, but I wasn’t evil when I lived in this time. But evil me took the one file that I lost during all the years that I worked here when I wasn’t evil.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, that doesn’t make any sense.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No, it doesn’t make any sense, but I think maybe now we need to find this file.

EGGERTON

SEAN

Eggerton, you’re having a nice walk and talk.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

So it said, “Find the sixty keys dead end find the three keys and the Nexus read it back stop writing I’m”—and people get really upset when I read that for some reason. It just seems like something that you would probably want to share with people.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

My goodness, you are just full of information, aren’t you? It’s quite fascinating, this odyssey you’ve been on.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know! I’m thinking of calling it “Eggerton’s Igrarious Odyssey”.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Igrarious?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Igrarious. It’s a new word.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Yes, you must have made up your own word.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I make up a lot of words.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, I feel that’s true about you.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

(over Agent 45’s earpiece)

Agent 45.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Ah, just a buzzing sound here.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, what’s that? A fly?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Just one moment, please.

(into her earpiece)

Yes, hello?

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Just listen. I got a call. It’s straight from the top, so I thought it was the worst. You can breathe easy. It’s not that.

They’ve sent a file, and they just want me to read a line from the file to you. Something about… three. A human, the target—and some kind of fae, and something about a key. So, I don’t know what that means, but they said you need to know that information now.

But they also said, if you fail, that’s it. Lights out.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

For… who?

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

Both of us.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh! What excellent news that is.

SEAN (AS AGENT 431)

All right, that’s it. Over and out.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, goodbye. I’ll get back to you about that.

(to Eggerton)

Sorry about that. Slightly upsetting news.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Oh, no, I’m so sorry. What is it?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

They’re not going to be, um, redeeming my coupons.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What!

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Yes, I know. I was really, fingers crossed, you know.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Okay, but did you read the language? Does it specifically have a void line in the contract? Because every coupon has a little bit of legal stuff on the back. Can I see it?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, that’s what’s so frustrating. I didn’t think they could have expiry dates.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

But you’ve got an… You know what? Sometimes things in this universe just don’t make sense to me.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, that is so true. And I know it would be true also to a… fae?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, because I’m a fae.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, you are?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, I’ve got the wings.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Yes, of course! Ha ha.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I’ve got the fairy cakes too. Have you ever had a fairy cake?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Silly me. No, no, I haven’t had a fairy cake.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

You should really try one. They’re our specialty.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh!

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Yeah, if you’re not familiar with fae, you’ve got to try a fairy cake.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Well, if I were to try a fairy cake, would you take me back to your friends and we could maybe all have dinner together or something like that?

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Of course! And you know what? It’s really great when you’ve got such a selection of people—a fae, a half demon and a human.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

That is very interesting. Yes, what a perfect combination of both.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Right? Okay, let’s head on back. Come on. But here, you just have a nibble of this on the way.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, okay. Looks very good.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

I know. I’ve been working on the recipe for a long time.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

Oh, all right. All right. Let me just have a little nibble here.

SEAN

Roll for fairy cakes.

And we’ll come back to find out the result.

BLAT AND DARCY

SEAN

Blat, you are standing there. You see the door was left open by the person who exited, which is not appropriate. That door should never be left open. And you and Darcy are standing in the parking lot.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay. I just feel like real quick we could just go downstairs to the filing room beside the boiler. And I’ll just find the file because I’ve got a picture of my head of where it is. We’ll put it on the shelf where it belongs and then we’ll just get out real quick.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I don’t have a problem with that. But shouldn’t we leave a message for Eggerton where we are? I mean, if we’re gone when he comes back, you know that he’s never going to find us.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, look, I don’t think this is going to take very long. And also, he knows we got to head towards the beachy tree eventually. I think it should be fine.

And all the real evil stuff seemed to be happening at the big main building. I think if he goes to, like, I don’t know, Mexicoland or something, he should be fine.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Oh, you have a lot more confidence in him than I do. I don’t think we should leave him alone. But it won’t take long to get this file, will it?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m simply going to take a file from where it’s been misplaced and put it where it belongs. And who knows? Maybe this is something that’s going to help alternate Blat in the long run.

SOON…

SEAN

We cut to Darcy and Blat standing in the doorway. Blat’s hand is just moving down from having touched the plaque when his eyes caught sight of the body, bleeding out on the other side of the desk he sat at for so long.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Isn’t that you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s you?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! The shirt!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m me!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

The shirt!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m me, you’re you!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

It’s perfectly tucked!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m me, you’re you, Eggerton’s Eggerton!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Half-demon!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Something’s—Blat, this is—

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Name tag! Lanyard! Says “Blathoxil”!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! No! Nooo!

MARISA (AS DARCY)

This is bad. This is really bad.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Oh! Yeah, but—no. Whoever this guy is, bad for him. But, uh…

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Do you think this has something to do with this file?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

This file? I lost one file? I lose one file through all the years I worked here. And you think that’s the reason this poor guy got his… head shot through?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I… I… this… I… I don’t get it. Is this part of the whole Wisney thing? Is this part of the Wisney experience? “Hey! Come to Wisney! Experience your own death! Woo hoo! So much fun!” I don’t get it!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Kinda does sound like Death Chef, doesn’t it?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Yes! Death Chef, exactly!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well look, here’s what we’re gonna do. First I’m going to, uh, ahem, step over him and, uh, go over to this…

All right. You see, I bought this plant the day that I got hired. Completely forgot about it. Yeah, I don’t think it’s gonna make it. I haven’t seen a drop of water since.

But look, ah! Underneath it, here’s the file. Was missing AF and now it’s found AF. So we’re just gonna put it right here beside file 46 AF. That goes…

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

No!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Blathoxil, you must take the file.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I was just thinking, if that guy died because of that file, maybe you should take the file and not leave it.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I hate to agree with her, but you should take the file.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

What am I taking the file for?

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Read it, you moron!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right! Opening it up and reading it!

SEAN

Page one, at the very top, says “WISNEY CORPORATION—Incorporation Paperwork and Corporate Key”.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Okay, well this is just a bunch of confusing scientific jargon. I don’t know really what this is.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, let me see.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, it says something about acorporate key or something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

A key?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Well, yeah, like corporate key.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

No, I know, but maybe that’s what the whole key thing is about way back to Moira. Maybe that’s important.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I really should be in someone else’s head. Maybe hers!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I would love it if you took a vacation to someone else’s head. Believe me.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

(huffs)

MARISA (AS DARCY)

That’s to her, right?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yeah. Would that make sense if I was saying that to you?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I don’t know. It’s all very confusing now. Also, there’s a dead Blat over there.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

No! No! No…

EGGERTON

SEAN

Eggerton, you’re walking back towards the parking lot, talking away, when you realize that your friend is walking a little behind you.

And can you let me know what your fairy cake roll was?

MIKE

That was a 4.

SEAN

You hear a strange gurgling from behind you.

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

(gurgling)

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

What? What? You okay back there?

MARISA (AS AGENT 45)

I feel very strange…

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Well, that’s, you know, it’s maybe just because we were out, like we walked around the corner and we’re in the light, and now we’ve walked around the corner and we’re in the shade—

SEAN

And she explodes, covering you in gore.

A messy explosion, then silence punctuated by dripping sounds.

MIKE

…Oh!

Laughter.

SEAN

Sorry, Eli.

BLAT AND DARCY

SEAN

You guys hear a muffled pop sound, but you’re still staring at this corporate incorporation paperwork and the corporate key.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

What? Did you hear that?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Yes, I heard a faint popping sound.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, it’s kind of strange in a corporate parking lot. I don’t know, just funny sound.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sorry, the strange sound is the weirdest thing that’s happening to us right now?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Well, I’m just on edge, okay? There’s a dead Blat who you won’t acknowledge, and now you’ve got, you know, in your head, and there’s just—

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I do have a name, you can tell her my name.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Your name is Wisney Puppet for all I care.

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

Grrr! It is not!

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’m sure whatever you’re going to do is—

SEAN (AS MORRIGU)

I’ll give you puppet!

SEAN

His hand shoots into the air while he’s talking.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…All right.

SEAN

And now he starts doing disco moves while he’s talking.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

All right, despite the fact that I’m dancing, I’ll let you know that the faint popping noise is probably fine and not a big deal, and not something that’s going to affect us in the next couple of minutes.

SEAN

And he spins.

CARTER (AS BLAT)

…Annnd I can’t stop.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

Okay?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

I’ve got the music in me, Darcy. Please do something.

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I can’t do anything. You have to negotiate that with you know who.

Would tasing help?

CARTER (AS BLAT)

Do you have the ability to tase me?

MARISA (AS DARCY)

I’m sure we can find a taser, and there’s gotta be security guards.

SEAN

And that’s when Eggerton clears his throat, and he looks like right out of the movie Carrie.

Dripping.

MIKE (AS EGGERTON)

Um… does anyone have a moist towelette?

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

The End of Time and Other Bothers, with your Game Master Sean Howard, and players Marisa King, Carter Siddall, and Michael Howie.

Dialogue editing by Michael Howie. Transcription by Michael Howie and Marisa King. Music and sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen. Story consultant: Laura Packer. Game consultant: Stephen Smith. Supporting producers: Becky Arenivar, Ren, and Ember Kabbes.

If you enjoy the show, check out our Patreon. Supporters get access to our trove of bonus material and an invite to our wonderful fan community on Discord. Look for the Patreon link at OtherBothers.com.

OUTTAKE: ON THE BALLWORKS

SEAN

And there are two figures that appear to be on the ballworks arguing.

MIKE

…The hell’s a “ballswork”?

Laughter.

MARISA

(laughing)

I think he means the bulwarks.

SEAN

Ballworks? Bulwarks? What are they called?

MIKE

Bollards?

SEAN

Ballworks? What’s the uh, bulwarks? Ballworks.

MIKE

The, the, the, like, the spiky things.

SEAN

Yeah! The bulwarks!

MIKE

That’s the bol… all right.

SEAN

I think it’s the bulwarks.

MIKE

Well, I don’t know!

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Flip the table!

Laughter.

MIKE

Sounded like a sex thing, that’s all.

SEAN (AS ROTHKAR THE ICE ZOMBIE)

Flip the ballworks!